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 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 91
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?Page 6 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
As dynamic as your world is you must name things at some point. If not Lover then what? Fracker? Fracking Friend? Benni Fit?

It's just in the same context as calling someone a "Partner". Let's say you go out on a date and are one of those who wants Exclusivity because another date is to be had, that person agrees, and you throw your black book into the fireplace. Would you introduce them as your "Partner" when bumping into a buddy of yours while on your 2nd date? Even someone agreeing to go exclusive off the bat may find that to be "too strong". For a FWB -- usually they're going to be a friend, not a Lover. You're not even making love to them and not expecting ever to, you're just fooling around when mutually convenient, if they're just a friend (w/ benefits on the side). I would say for common FWBs, what do you call them? A friend-but-more-than-friend? A FWB? Does it need a label?

Crudely speaking intent is to rack up numbers and pick best of the group. Common logic I see for a Subject is Date must outshine the Fracker.

Not necessarily. Someone in your black book in which communication lines are still open (FB or FWB) isn't in consideration for Dating. The times I've been out in the dating circuit, while having open lines of communication with someone in the black book, did not affect things one iota, and was 100% the same as when I haven't. A FWB or FB has no obligations or expectations, nor you to them.

Now, when it comes to other Dating Prospects (not just a 'Fracker'), then it's a different story, of course. Classic dating prospects get in the way, where classic FBs or FWBs don't. Of course, if it's a "Fracker" it makes the concept sound dirtier/sleazier despite them not at all competing for a relationship, or sexual or romantic partnerhood in any way... but in the end, we don't know for sure what's going on and it should be taken as competition as far as we know or would expect to believe. Other dating prospects, void of any negative connotation or stigma, though, is definitely competition.

Date is faced with a cold, hard reality they they are not a special little snow flake but nothing but a number.

For someone who expects to only be in position to ever go out on a Date with only one person with a time-frame, sure. I would say they're sensitive. Some people don't feel that way. Does emailing more than one girl at a time on a site like POF make you feel like you're thinking of a gal just like a number? Do you think she's a player if you found out she (gasp) has been emailing a lot of guys and continued to with a date set up?

There is nothing wrong with shopping around. It is the intent that matters.

I agree... the intent, from my position, is the same as many women out there at the same time -- not locking down until you get to know someone well enough, and A date or two isn't enough. It's not to bang-as-many-as-you-can or see how long you can juggle as many as many women as you can at once. It's the same as exchanging emails with more than one woman at once. You know she's doing the same. Going out on a date, things get weeded a bit more by that time, but exclusivity off the bat isn't the main desire during the feeling-out-portion. But I will admit, of course, people want to feel wanted -- so if they Hear about you having other prospects -- that will make them feel less special... but it's not hiding anything by not making a pre-emptive announcement, because they could easily have them too and that'd just make things a bit odd, IMO.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 92
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/25/2011 12:30:29 PM

For such a smart feller with all that there edumakashun, you sure don't know when to stop talking... I'm at least glad that you qualify it as something that wouldn't "personally" bother you, although given your vociferous disapproval of seeing a FwB while dating, or remaining friends with former sexual partners, I have to say that your little snippet quoted above sounds, shall we say, "inconsistent".

Ooh, better leave myself an out: I personally think that you sound inconsistent and arbitrary.

And Arlo? I completely agree with you. It is inconsistent.


*EYEROLL* So it's ok for her to have phone sex.....or sexting but you don't expect a woman to actually have physical sex until she meets you....Oh please... what a joke...You have been soooo judgmental for a woman with a FWB but she can have a phone sex buddy.

That's the kind of thing people say when they have no actual argument to offer.

And this is the type of response generally posted by someone who's been in a compromising situation in which an SO finds out their supposed "faithful" partner has been having an online tryst or trysts (including phone/text sex) without their knowledge. I seriously doubt any unsuspecting SO would be too thrilled to learn that she's/he's not allowed to remain friends with anyone she/he has had sex with in the past, only to learn (or rather, be shocked by the reality) that the BF/fiancee/SO/whatever-you-call him/her's time spent online (declared to be innocent forum-posting-time-wasting) has turned into something much different than simply wasting time posting in forums or checking the Doppler non-stop, but is rather time spent hooking-up-electronically to scratch some itch (whether emotional/mental/physical or a combination of these things.) Hypothetically speaking (or something like that) I'd assume one's personal opinion would change from "Oh hell no." to "I wouldn't be bothered by it." should they have been caught with their pants down (or would that be with their hands on the keyboard???) Regardless, to each their own. It is either something disclosed PRIOR to doing it, or it shouldn't be being done. At least in my opinion.

~OT~ FWB threads are always the same. There is the "No way." camp and then there are those who are in the "It's not my business til it's my business." camp. Makes no real difference who's side of the camp-ground you are on. Just make certain to go fishing with those who share your side of the camp-ground and the potential problem is eleviated. JMO
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 93
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/25/2011 1:31:02 PM
*EYEROLL* So it's ok for her to have phone sex.....or sexting but you don't expect a woman to actually have physical sex until she meets you....


I'm a bit curious how you'd expect a woman to have "physical sex" before she meets me, unless its with someone else ... she could have "phone sex" with me, or anyone, but I think its kinda hard to have 'physical sex" with someone you are not 'physically' in the presence of.

Last I knew, I can't get any "physical" uncurable diseases from "phone sex"... but if that's changed, please let me know... I am thoroughly unaware of any uncurable diseases/STD's that apparently I can get over the phone.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 94
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/25/2011 7:39:49 PM
Last I knew, I can't get any "physical" uncurable diseases from "phone sex"...

It's not about diseases. Cheating doesn't require sex. Sex just puts the nail in the coffin (no pun intended) of the concept of cheating in a Relationship. I wouldn't want a gf or wife to be exchanging love notes & emails at work... or mutual masturbation via web-cam with a dude she corresponds with on POF. "Ehhh, he's inconveniently a bit too far of a drive away... that's cool," would not be my thoughts nor most other people's.

I don't think his post saying he's okay with online/phone sex & chatter is necessarily inconsistent -- if he wants an open relationship outside of physical contact, fine. I think it's not consistent with most views in which people want exclusivity, but hey, some people have their odd rules, exceptions, etc. But perhaps he can clarify. Maybe he's okay with paid-entertainment (like 1-900 #s) online/phone sex, where it's not different from going to a strip club, but would not want her chasing some dude on a dating or sex site for a sexual pen-pal situation.

Makes no real difference who's side of the camp-ground you are on. Just make certain to go fishing with those who share your side of the camp-ground and the potential problem is alleviated.

I think one doesn't truly know what "camp" the other one is in, is the problem. The other FWB thread is about if one should announce it, and if so, when. It's about the assumption as to what default area of the camp-ground a Date is to be. Sometimes you can figure it out with a high degree of probability, but many times not.... but either way, IMO:

- If you're not exclusive, it's not the other person's business to know outright what "options" you have or may have. The only thing that should be outright is if you're not single or living with an ex (or other things along those lines as far as other people are concerned).
- If you're not exclusive but want to know more than that, it's up to you to ask -- not for the other person to pre-emptively announce -- unless for some reason you've made it clear that your belief is that the other person is 100% celibate & other-date-free and will be as long as you're in contact with them
- If want to be exclusive, it's also up for you to ask (which if agreed upon, would/should erase anyone in any black book)

Other people who differ from me, think that it should be announced if you have anyone in your life to any degree in which sexual relations could potentially be had in the present or near future before exclusivity occurs.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 95
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History
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/25/2011 7:46:17 PM
I'll have to add that it does thoroughly confuse me that one can repeatedly state in thread after thread that he will not accept woman in his life being friends with someone she has had sex with.....yet turn around and state that he would be okay with her having phone/internet sex with a man.
How do you rationalize that it is okay for a partner to engage in an online sexual relationship with what amounst to a stranger......yet not okay to converse,non-sexually, occassionally with an ex boyfriend??
Me thinks someone's "lines" blur to rationalize personal behavior......


It keeps being said someone with a FWB wouldn't be emotionally available to a potential date........so how can someone that is engaging is sex chat really be fully emotionally available when their mind is on their last yank off session with their internet "friend"?
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 96
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/25/2011 11:32:23 PM

so how can someone that is engaging is sex chat really be fully emotionally available when their mind is on their last yank off session with their internet "friend"?


Because they are able to compartmentalize, and view the sex chat as just another form of pornography, albeit a bit more interactive. As long as their mate allows it, I don't see the problem.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 97
view profile
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She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/26/2011 8:39:42 AM

Because they are able to compartmentalize, and view the sex chat as just another form of pornography, albeit a bit more interactive. As long as their mate allows it, I don't see the problem.

But if it happens frequently.......wouldn't that be a type of relationship?
And what if it was being done behind their mate's back?

Halycyon....There is no way in hell I will ever believe that you would be okay with your boyfriend having sex chats with another woman from POF on a regular basis...
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 100
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History
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/26/2011 11:10:03 AM
Wouldn't a friend you are sexting on the internet with...be considered a FWB?
it is a friend - you are getting sexual gratification from your talks - and it could potentially affect your search for..... or already in... LTR.
Seems completely relevant to the topic to me.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 102
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/26/2011 2:10:59 PM
it is a primordial feeling to release stress and tension through sex..Men do it all the time and yet expect their woman to be goody two shoes. Is that not a stupid double standard?

I don't think there's a double-standard going on, though. Guys aren't "allowed" to do it while women aren't. The problem is whether anyone is allowed to have other people on the line while you are setting up a date or going out on one with someone... which leads to, is it assumed as proper & right that one is to be Exclusive when agreeing to go out on a date with someone? If so, why not when communicating via email and phone beforehand? And why haven't most people out there not gotten that memo? :)
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 103
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/26/2011 3:53:33 PM

I don't always want the full course meal or the Thanksgiving dinner...that would get old and make them lose their specialness...sometimes I just want a snack


Well---I suppose if all you want is a snack, a FWB could work. It would certainly be much cheaper than a seven-course meal. Just don't overdo it---all those rich snacks can result in a feeling of heaviness.





Because they are able to compartmentalize, and view the sex chat as just another form of pornography, albeit a bit more interactive. As long as their mate allows it, I don't see the problem.


But if it happens frequently.......wouldn't that be a type of relationship?


Nope. It's apples and oranges. Having sex with a FWB is a relationship---sex chat is not.


And what if it was being done behind their mate's back?


As long as my mate didn't hide it from me, I wouldn't have a problem with it. On the other hand, I would have a problem with a FWB calling my mate at all hours of the day and night, hysterical because her boyfriend dumped her.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 104
view profile
History
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/26/2011 8:04:25 PM

And what if it was being done behind their mate's back?

As long as my mate didn't hide it from me, I wouldn't have a problem with it


so the answer to the question is yes......because "behind their mate's back" would mean
hiding it from you


Having sex with a FWB is a relationship---sex chat is not.

sex chat with the same person for an extended period of time would definately fall into
a type of relationship......maybe we should call it FWM(masterbation)


On the other hand, I would have a problem with a FWB calling my mate at all hours of the day and night, hysterical because her boyfriend dumped her.

Is your mate still in high school?
or is this how you handle a breakup?
cuz I don't know any grown women that still act that way.....
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 105
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/26/2011 9:27:49 PM
No one is questioning whether or not the woman 'gets her needs met' BEFORE she starts dating the 'new guy'.... It's once she starts seeing the 'new guy' that seeing her FWB is a problem...

I agree. However, you pointed out the pivotal point of the disagreements though. Some people define "dating" or "seeing someone", which would by default indicate Exclusivity, not beginning with that marker until after a few dates have been had (mileage varies). Others however, see it being at that point ("dating each other" or "seeing each other"), once a date is confirmed or having had gone out on a date.

It's that "point" where one would assume that one would need to outright confess about any other dating prospects or "options" they may have.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 107
view profile
History
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/26/2011 10:14:39 PM
So...it seems folks are going to need to put in their profiles what type of "dater" they are!!

~ I prefer to date more than one person at a time

or

~ Once I have coffee with you......you are mine, mine, mine and if you meet another person of the opposite sex for so much as even coffee I will never go out with you again!

or

~ I am a reasonable adult and realize until we decide to be exclusive, you are free to
make your own decisions about who you have dinner with or spend time with.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 112
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/27/2011 9:56:19 AM

So I really don't get what all the fuss is about?


I'm with you on this one shakti.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 118
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/27/2011 7:26:56 PM


Sure, if you trust someone you have never met to be honest about such things, absolutely.

How much you need to trust someone to give you an honest answer depends a great deal on exactly what you talk about. If you flat out ask someone, then you're right, but who would be so naive as to do that.

So what you are stating is that because your fiance did NOT directly ask you about your extra-curricular activities via this particular site (ie: phone sex with a "friend" situation) she was the one at fault for not directly asking??? Or was the "friend-with-phone-sex the naive one???) Just asking because you talk in riddles about his topic ~ and to be honest? For a person who's anti-friend-post-relationship ~ it really perplexes me as to how one person can have SO many different opinions. Then again, maybe my perplexed states is that I'm fairly "black and white" when it comes to these things. Either you are open/honest/up-front or you are not. But that is pretty simplistic I suppose.

(I wonder how long this post will last before "a certain mod" goes all delete-happy on it?)

As long as we stay "on-topic" ~~~ my guess is that it'll be a while. Maybe not, but that's my guess. ***shrugs***

~OT~ Once again. How long to wait to disclose an FWB? Well, I was dating a man and it was disclosed early on that neither of us had been "active" with anyone else for x, y , z, time very early on. Now however? I am single, free to do that which I wish to do and if I feel that there is someone I'd like to be intimate with without the constraints of an exclusive relationship....I'm going to do so. I am currently "multi-dating" after 8 years of not doing so, but today is a new day and I have the option to and the interest to do so, so I am. Should I venture into a sexual relationship with any one of these men, I will make it clear that it should not be misconstrued as some sort of "tie that binds" and I'd hope that should it happen, the man would be that honest with me. After a tough break-up early summer, I have no interest in being tied to one person, but I am totally enjoying my freedom to date if/when I want to do so. Sex? Meh....not so interested, but you never know. To each their own ~ I'm an adult, and I don't believe sex (in any shape or form) means "relationship." But that's just how I see it.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 119
view profile
History
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/27/2011 7:49:46 PM

To each their own ~ I'm an adult, and I don't believe sex (in any shape or form) means "relationship."

exactly...........and 1 single date doesn't equate to a relationship either!
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 120
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/28/2011 12:05:38 PM


To each their own ~ I'm an adult, and I don't believe sex (in any shape or form) means "relationship."


exactly...........and 1 single date doesn't equate to a relationship either!


Hmmm... very interesting. You claim you don't consider sex to be a relationship, yet in an earlier post you said:


sex chat with the same person for an extended period of time would definately fall into a type of relationship......


So chatting with a person you've never even met IS a relationship, yet exchanging bodily fluids with them ISN'T a relationship? Either you're unable to keep your relationship definitions straight---or you feel you need to change them around to score a point---depending on whose tail you're trying to yank at the time.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 121
view profile
History
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/28/2011 1:20:20 PM
nice try......but a failed one yet again....

a friendship is a relationship......whether you are having sex or not.....

1 date with a stranger....not a relationship
sex with a stranger.....not a relationship
sex chat with an internet friend on a regular basis behind your fiance's back......
well let's just call it "the wrong type of relationship" to please the keeper's of the golden puzzies......
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 122
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/29/2011 2:50:05 PM


(MsMicki) a friendship is a relationship......whether you are having sex or not.....

1 date with a stranger....not a relationship
sex with a stranger.....not a relationship
sex chat with an internet friend on a regular basis behind your fiance's back......
well let's just call it "the wrong type of relationship" to please the keeper's of the golden puzzies......


It's amazing, the lengths some people will go to, to be "right" through definition...


And it's also amazing that "sex with a FWB" is conspicuously absent from her list of relationship definitions, being that is the topic of this thread.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 123
view profile
History
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/29/2011 8:04:58 PM

And it's also amazing that "sex with a FWB" is conspicuously absent from her list of relationship definitions, being that is the topic of this thread.


what is really amazing is that your reading comprehension skills seem to be clouded by your personal opinions.
Try reading the very first line of my post again and then get back to us on why you failed to comprehend how "A friendship is a relationship....whether you are having sex or not...."
does not include FWB.....

Shall I make it simpler for you.....

friendship with sex.....is a FWB(this would be the "whether you are having sex" part)
friendship with no sex.....is just a friendship (this would be the "or not" part)

Thanks for playing.....do not pass go and do not collect $200
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 125
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/29/2011 9:13:29 PM

Try reading the very first line of my post again and then get back to us on why you failed to comprehend how "A friendship is a relationship....whether you are having sex or not...."
does not include FWB.....


A FWB is a sexual relationship of convenience---usually the convenience of only one party. You can call it a "friendship", if you'd like.

I prefer to call it Fcuking With Benefits.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 127
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 1/13/2012 6:01:06 PM
I don't understand it, but many are in those...not relationships, whatever you call them. I wouldn't get involved w/anyone who has a FWB, I don't agree w/the morality of it, why is it so hard to be celibate while in between relationships? I'm not that desperate to be degraded & used for sex. It's convenient, the guy gets a free piece of azz to f*ck, without spending any money on a date..but that's another thread.
OP, Is she going to continue to have sex w/him while she is dating you? Is she going to continue to have sex w/him up to the time you 2 become sexual? What about if you have an argument & don't talk for a few days, or you're out of town for a few weeks, even of she said she's going to end it, he's always a phone call away. Is her FWB going to turn down a free piece of azz from her? I hope you find the meaningful long lasting relationship you're looking for, keep fishing, there are many of us on here looking for the same. Good luck, & don't give up!
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 128
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 3/29/2012 6:45:15 AM
I hate to sound stupid...but what is a FWB??

Friend With Benefits. Basically, it's NOT a "Booty Call" or "F*ck Buddy", but it's someone who you are actual/real friends who you'll hang out with in a social circle or maybe 1-on-1 here and there, BUT you also have sexual relations with. Communication is key in being on the same page, whether one gets a little weary of it over time, meets someone, or has strong feelings and wants more. If lack of communication, the friendship is in jeopardy. Booty Calls on the other hand, are people who are merely folks in your phone book who you call up when "in the mood" to boink -- mere sexual outlets. Totally different.

Friends With Benefits basically has three different categories, IMO (In My Opinion):
(1) Geo-Distance Friends: The safest, easiest form of FWB. They live too far away for a relationship to occur, and most people fully understand that LD relationships can't work. BUT there is sexual attraction. When one of them comes back in town to visit, and both are single, they'll hook up. Emotionally safe because it's easy to not expect anything more than friends via Inet and occasional conjucal visits.

(2) Light Friends: Someone you don't hang with one-on-one, except for sexual relations, because you don't know them that well, and you weren't relatively close friends to begin with. Of course the sex is going to bring you closer after a little time. But your friendship particularly close at all. You're friends among friends or weren't friends beforehand and didn't really start bonding too much after first hooking up, and a breakage of a friendship wouldn't be the worst in the world, but would cause issue in any social circle if that applies. This situation is probably the most common.

(3) Close Friends: You've been one-on-one friends, and not just within a social circle. Once you start adding the benefits, basically this emulates much the same as a casual, open relationship people may have. This is definitely where feelings are most involved, because you've known them one-on-one, so it's LIKE a relationship. Communication is a huge must here, because the friendship means more, and the feelings are more likely higher.

In the end, it's all about communication. You're not going to get what you want/desire most likely in the end if you really like them, but at the same time, if they are a true, understanding person & friend, they'll make sure everything's cool in the end and not play games with ya.
 Krissie59
Joined: 10/15/2010
Msg: 129
view profile
History
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 3/29/2012 5:29:01 PM
Let's face it. How many women or men do you know that cast their marraiges on the side in the hopes that they MAY meet someone new? No, in reality the divorce happened because there is someone waiting in the wings that they have already been involved with. Same with FWB. But this woman is more honest than most. Now that you know that about her, if you can't accept it, move on.
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 130
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 3/29/2012 5:58:02 PM
So she has to stop her life just for you? and your not her boyfriend, A chat or a date from someone doesnt mean you are exclusive. Get over it, if you like her show her your the one, if not dont worry about what she does.
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