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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 106
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?Page 7 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
I agree. However, you pointed out the pivotal point of the disagreements though. Some people define "dating" or "seeing someone", which would by default indicate Exclusivity, not beginning with that marker until after a few dates have been had (mileage varies). Others however, see it being at that point ("dating each other" or "seeing each other"), once a date is confirmed or having had gone out on a date.

See how far being a language lawyer gets you with a woman you decided would be good relationship material, but who decided you weren't because your definition of dating didn't match hers. What counts is that your definitions match before you f*ck things up. You can argue defintions until you're blue in the face, but that's not going to stop someone from telling you to get lost for being deceptive (as she sees it).

It's that "point" where one would assume that one would need to outright confess about any other dating prospects or "options" they may have.

If you don't want to f*ck things up, you'd better be on the same page about when that point occurs right from the start. It's too late to discuss it if you pass the point the other person decided you needed to bring all of that up.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 107
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She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/26/2011 10:14:39 PM
So...it seems folks are going to need to put in their profiles what type of "dater" they are!!

~ I prefer to date more than one person at a time

or

~ Once I have coffee with you......you are mine, mine, mine and if you meet another person of the opposite sex for so much as even coffee I will never go out with you again!

or

~ I am a reasonable adult and realize until we decide to be exclusive, you are free to
make your own decisions about who you have dinner with or spend time with.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 108
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/26/2011 10:53:43 PM
So...it seems folks are going to need to put in their profiles what type of "dater" they are!!

I did and I never lacked for dates. Profiles are supposed to filter out people as well as attract them.

~ Once I have coffee with you......you are mine, mine, mine and if you meet another person of the opposite sex for so much as even coffee I will never go out with you again!

or

~ I am a reasonable adult and realize until we decide to be exclusive, you are free to
make your own decisions about who you have dinner with or spend time with.

Putting either of those two in your profile would filter me out, so if that's what you think, by all means, include it in your profile and save yourself from being contacted by people who wouldn't date you. What's the problem with including such a preference? Too informative? Too much chance of meeting someone who's on the same page?
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 109
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She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/27/2011 7:23:01 AM
Whichever end of the spectrum you lean towards shouldn't matter - it's your preference and you're entitled to live your life and date the way you wish. Problems only arise when you fail to make your preferences clear (especially if you have strong ones), or when someone tries to hide their own from someone whose preference differs.
 crzyleo
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 110
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/27/2011 8:24:44 AM
I agree with the STD comment, however, how many guys already have a FB/FWB? How is it different? At least the woman was upfront about her situation. Isn't that what we all ask for? Honesty??
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 111
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/27/2011 8:46:35 AM
I don't understand why this topic is so popular, I mean either you are open to it or not. I guess it is the secretiveness that bothers people?

But really, when you first meet someone, you kind of have to accept that you know nothing about them. They may have just had sex a half an hour prior to showing up for coffee with you.. and you may end up marrying them without ever knowing.

If they are honest with you, you get to decide whether that is something you would like to sign up for or not. So I really don't get what all the fuss is about?
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 112
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/27/2011 9:56:19 AM

So I really don't get what all the fuss is about?


I'm with you on this one shakti.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 113
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/27/2011 11:01:14 AM
I guess it is the secretiveness that bothers people?

Well, yes.

But really, when you first meet someone, you kind of have to accept that you know nothing about them.

I don't know about you, but I (and I think most people) have some idea of what we want in a person and would like to meet those who come closest to fitting the bill. I can't think of too many things other than this that can be so easily and objectively addressed prior to meeting, nor can I think of many things that would so easily filter out people who have very different ideas about dating. This is certainly one thing you can know when deciding to meet someone.

They may have just had sex a half an hour prior to showing up for coffee with you.. and you may end up marrying them without ever knowing.

So far, I don't think anyone has said that would be an issue and that has been stated repeatedly, so I'm not sure why you think that has anything to do with this discussion. The issues is continuing to see the fwb after meeting someone one wishes to see again.

If they are honest with you, you get to decide whether that is something you would like to sign up for or not. So I really don't get what all the fuss is about?

The fuss is about being honest with people.

I'm questioning it and won't date a guy fresh out of a fwb.

In that case, you would need to make it a priority to share sexual histories with someone you want to date, since having sex with someone before meeting you is part of a person's sexual history. That's perfectly legitimate, if you're willing to divulge yours and then ask your date to divulge his. If that is not what you had in mind, you should forget about asking for any sexual history, although you might be able to get away with a one-sided discussion if you ask.


 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 114
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/27/2011 11:15:55 AM
Abelian:
This is certainly one thing you can know when deciding to meet someone.
Sure, if you trust someone you have never met to be honest about such things, absolutely.

So far, I don't think anyone has said that would be an issue and that has been stated repeatedly, so I'm not sure why you think that has anything to do with this discussion. The issues is continuing to see the fwb after meeting someone one wishes to see again.
Personally I don't find this topic interesting, so I haven't been keeping up with the 'prevailing views' on the matter. I'm bored today, what can I say.

My point is that you can't know someone's fwb behaviour unless they choose to be honest with you. Whether that be before or after the big date with YOU.

The fuss is about being honest with people.
Which you have precisely NO control of. Regardless of what you decide to tell yourself on the matter.

Please, don't allow my little digression on the matter to dissuade ya'll from debating it into perpetuity...
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 115
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/27/2011 12:00:06 PM
Sure, if you trust someone you have never met to be honest about such things, absolutely.

How much you need to trust someone to give you an honest answer depends a great deal on exactly what you talk about. If you flat out ask someone, then you're right, but who would be so naive as to do that?

My point is that you can't know someone's fwb behaviour unless they choose to be honest with you. Whether that be before or after the big date with YOU.


I can make what I find acceptable clear before I meet someone and in doing so make it clear that deceiving me is not going to offer any advantage. If a woman was going to date me with the idea that a relationship might develop from it, what advantage is there in doing something that would change her status in my mind from relationship material to casual sex only material, no matter how long we'd been together? Most people aren't very good liars and are even worse at it when they feel guity for doing something they knew wouldn't be acceptable. If someone gets away with it, sure, there's nothing I can do about it, but before someone tries, that person ought to be pretty sure of being able to pull it off.

Which you have precisely NO control of. Regardless of what you decide to tell yourself on the matter.

I never said I had any control over people's hinest. What I control is how I react to people whom I discover have been dishonest. I'm willing to layout my expectations and take my chances of finding out that I've been lied to, rather than have no expectations and deal with excuses.

I think all this stuff is specific to pof forum cyberspace.

Well, I'd agree that most of this is peculiar to online dating, but not restricted to pof. I have never had this sort of thing come up in real life dating. Online dating is different, at least if one is to utilize it effectively for it's ability to provide a large dating pool. If you want to select someone from a large pool of people you don't know at all, you have to think about ways to filter people that in real life happens more naturally.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 116
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/27/2011 12:49:10 PM
Abelian:
I can make what I find acceptable clear before I meet someone
Of course you can, but that doesn't mean they will automatically change their preexisting habits or decide to be honest with you about them.

and in doing so make it clear that deceiving me is not going to offer any advantage.
The advantage with deceit is never to the one being deceived.. so I'm not sure why you would even mention this? The advantage of being dishonest is to them.. the deceiver, not you.. a stranger that they have yet to meet.

If a woman was going to date me with the idea that a relationship might develop from it, what advantage is there in doing something that would change her status in my mind from relationship material to casual sex only material, no matter how long we'd been together?
How can a woman know if she WANTS a relationship with you prior to even meeting you??

And is this not always a risk when dating? That having sex with another could jeopardize a burgeoning relationship?

I never said I had any control over people's hinest. What I control is how I react to people whom I discover have been dishonest.
Doesn't that all just sort of go without saying.. ?

I am not here to critique your dating habits Abelian. You are engaged now anyway, so isn't it all a bit moot.. ?
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 117
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/27/2011 1:46:25 PM
Of course you can, but that doesn't mean they will automatically change their preexisting habits or decide to be honest with you about them.

So? At least the person knows what I expect and can't claim otherwise when the sh*t hits the fan.

The advantage with deceit is never to the one being deceived.. so I'm not sure why you would even mention this?

There's no advantage to deceiving someone unless you can succeed, so most people (or at leat anyone intelligent enough to have a chance of success) will figure out whether or not what there is to gain is worth the effort of being deceptive to get it. Why do you think people put signs in their yards advertising that they have an alarm system? That does nothing to physically stop someone from breaking in. It does make a potential burgler think twice about what it's worth to break in an set off the alarm. If all that mattered was catching the burgler, one would use a silent alarm.

How can a woman know if she WANTS a relationship with you prior to even meeting you??

She doesn't, but if she's looking for a relationship and she wants to meet me, then obviously the possibility of being in a relationship with me is why she's meeting me. She could, of course, have lied about being interested in a relationship altogether, but that wasn't a problem. I wasn't opposed to having sex with someone I found attractive and I had that possibility spelled out as well. By the same token, if she doesn't know she wants to have a relationship with me, why would she have any motive to be deceptive? The answer to one question is the same as the answer to the other.

And is this not always a risk when dating? That having sex with another could jeopardize a burgeoning relationship?

Sure it's a risk, but some people don't seem to be very good a picking potential partners in a way that does much to minimize it. I'm not opposed to taking risks. I'm opposed to being stupid when I take them.

Doesn't that all just sort of go without saying.. ?

Apparently not, since most people get pissed off when lied to. I really don't and I don't tell people to not lie to me. I tell people what they can expect if they do and let them decide if they can pull it off. I'd give anyone a high five for pulling it off. I just don't want to listen to excuses from people who want to claim I'm being unfair because they didn't know better, if they don't pull it off. If I told a woman up front that I found it unacceptable to ie to me about having sex with someone else after I met her, (assuming she wanted to see me again), then she's no longer in the position of telling me she didn't know if that came up sometime later on.

She knows and if she has an fwb, she has the opportunity to do the right thing and either not date me or drop the fwb or do the wrong thing and deceive me. If she did the latter, then when I find out out about it, the decision about what to do is crystal clear. There's no gray area about not understanding what was ok and what wasn't. I didn't have to do that and I could have gotten laid more often by just keeping that to myself and being vague, but I didn't think that was ethical.

I am not here to critique your dating habits Abelian. You are engaged now anyway, so isn't it all a bit moot.. ?

Not if my dating habits are useful to someone else, which is sort of the point of the forums. I obviously succeeded at doing what many here would like to do (in spite of not really having any inclination to get married or even into a committed relationship) and if the forums are any indication, it's not because of my charm. I must have done something right.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 118
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/27/2011 7:26:56 PM


Sure, if you trust someone you have never met to be honest about such things, absolutely.

How much you need to trust someone to give you an honest answer depends a great deal on exactly what you talk about. If you flat out ask someone, then you're right, but who would be so naive as to do that.

So what you are stating is that because your fiance did NOT directly ask you about your extra-curricular activities via this particular site (ie: phone sex with a "friend" situation) she was the one at fault for not directly asking??? Or was the "friend-with-phone-sex the naive one???) Just asking because you talk in riddles about his topic ~ and to be honest? For a person who's anti-friend-post-relationship ~ it really perplexes me as to how one person can have SO many different opinions. Then again, maybe my perplexed states is that I'm fairly "black and white" when it comes to these things. Either you are open/honest/up-front or you are not. But that is pretty simplistic I suppose.

(I wonder how long this post will last before "a certain mod" goes all delete-happy on it?)

As long as we stay "on-topic" ~~~ my guess is that it'll be a while. Maybe not, but that's my guess. ***shrugs***

~OT~ Once again. How long to wait to disclose an FWB? Well, I was dating a man and it was disclosed early on that neither of us had been "active" with anyone else for x, y , z, time very early on. Now however? I am single, free to do that which I wish to do and if I feel that there is someone I'd like to be intimate with without the constraints of an exclusive relationship....I'm going to do so. I am currently "multi-dating" after 8 years of not doing so, but today is a new day and I have the option to and the interest to do so, so I am. Should I venture into a sexual relationship with any one of these men, I will make it clear that it should not be misconstrued as some sort of "tie that binds" and I'd hope that should it happen, the man would be that honest with me. After a tough break-up early summer, I have no interest in being tied to one person, but I am totally enjoying my freedom to date if/when I want to do so. Sex? Meh....not so interested, but you never know. To each their own ~ I'm an adult, and I don't believe sex (in any shape or form) means "relationship." But that's just how I see it.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 119
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She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/27/2011 7:49:46 PM

To each their own ~ I'm an adult, and I don't believe sex (in any shape or form) means "relationship."

exactly...........and 1 single date doesn't equate to a relationship either!
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 120
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/28/2011 12:05:38 PM


To each their own ~ I'm an adult, and I don't believe sex (in any shape or form) means "relationship."


exactly...........and 1 single date doesn't equate to a relationship either!


Hmmm... very interesting. You claim you don't consider sex to be a relationship, yet in an earlier post you said:


sex chat with the same person for an extended period of time would definately fall into a type of relationship......


So chatting with a person you've never even met IS a relationship, yet exchanging bodily fluids with them ISN'T a relationship? Either you're unable to keep your relationship definitions straight---or you feel you need to change them around to score a point---depending on whose tail you're trying to yank at the time.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 121
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She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/28/2011 1:20:20 PM
nice try......but a failed one yet again....

a friendship is a relationship......whether you are having sex or not.....

1 date with a stranger....not a relationship
sex with a stranger.....not a relationship
sex chat with an internet friend on a regular basis behind your fiance's back......
well let's just call it "the wrong type of relationship" to please the keeper's of the golden puzzies......
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 122
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/29/2011 2:50:05 PM


(MsMicki) a friendship is a relationship......whether you are having sex or not.....

1 date with a stranger....not a relationship
sex with a stranger.....not a relationship
sex chat with an internet friend on a regular basis behind your fiance's back......
well let's just call it "the wrong type of relationship" to please the keeper's of the golden puzzies......


It's amazing, the lengths some people will go to, to be "right" through definition...


And it's also amazing that "sex with a FWB" is conspicuously absent from her list of relationship definitions, being that is the topic of this thread.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 123
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She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/29/2011 8:04:58 PM

And it's also amazing that "sex with a FWB" is conspicuously absent from her list of relationship definitions, being that is the topic of this thread.


what is really amazing is that your reading comprehension skills seem to be clouded by your personal opinions.
Try reading the very first line of my post again and then get back to us on why you failed to comprehend how "A friendship is a relationship....whether you are having sex or not...."
does not include FWB.....

Shall I make it simpler for you.....

friendship with sex.....is a FWB(this would be the "whether you are having sex" part)
friendship with no sex.....is just a friendship (this would be the "or not" part)

Thanks for playing.....do not pass go and do not collect $200
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 124
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/29/2011 9:01:33 PM

Last warning to be civil and stay on topic.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 125
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/29/2011 9:13:29 PM

Try reading the very first line of my post again and then get back to us on why you failed to comprehend how "A friendship is a relationship....whether you are having sex or not...."
does not include FWB.....


A FWB is a sexual relationship of convenience---usually the convenience of only one party. You can call it a "friendship", if you'd like.

I prefer to call it Fcuking With Benefits.
 Cowboy_Dale
Joined: 9/9/2011
Msg: 126
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 1/13/2012 1:57:35 PM

theres many people on here wanting to hve their cake and eat it. most men on this site are just after sex if they dont get it on the first date then suddenly their interest in you is lost i speak from experiance here


With no disrespect intended, if the guy lost interest in you after not getting sex on the first date then I submit there was never any interest at all.

Sex has nothing to do with interest or I'd be married to my right hand.

The Cowboy
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 127
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 1/13/2012 6:01:06 PM
I don't understand it, but many are in those...not relationships, whatever you call them. I wouldn't get involved w/anyone who has a FWB, I don't agree w/the morality of it, why is it so hard to be celibate while in between relationships? I'm not that desperate to be degraded & used for sex. It's convenient, the guy gets a free piece of azz to f*ck, without spending any money on a date..but that's another thread.
OP, Is she going to continue to have sex w/him while she is dating you? Is she going to continue to have sex w/him up to the time you 2 become sexual? What about if you have an argument & don't talk for a few days, or you're out of town for a few weeks, even of she said she's going to end it, he's always a phone call away. Is her FWB going to turn down a free piece of azz from her? I hope you find the meaningful long lasting relationship you're looking for, keep fishing, there are many of us on here looking for the same. Good luck, & don't give up!
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 128
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 3/29/2012 6:45:15 AM
I hate to sound stupid...but what is a FWB??

Friend With Benefits. Basically, it's NOT a "Booty Call" or "F*ck Buddy", but it's someone who you are actual/real friends who you'll hang out with in a social circle or maybe 1-on-1 here and there, BUT you also have sexual relations with. Communication is key in being on the same page, whether one gets a little weary of it over time, meets someone, or has strong feelings and wants more. If lack of communication, the friendship is in jeopardy. Booty Calls on the other hand, are people who are merely folks in your phone book who you call up when "in the mood" to boink -- mere sexual outlets. Totally different.

Friends With Benefits basically has three different categories, IMO (In My Opinion):
(1) Geo-Distance Friends: The safest, easiest form of FWB. They live too far away for a relationship to occur, and most people fully understand that LD relationships can't work. BUT there is sexual attraction. When one of them comes back in town to visit, and both are single, they'll hook up. Emotionally safe because it's easy to not expect anything more than friends via Inet and occasional conjucal visits.

(2) Light Friends: Someone you don't hang with one-on-one, except for sexual relations, because you don't know them that well, and you weren't relatively close friends to begin with. Of course the sex is going to bring you closer after a little time. But your friendship particularly close at all. You're friends among friends or weren't friends beforehand and didn't really start bonding too much after first hooking up, and a breakage of a friendship wouldn't be the worst in the world, but would cause issue in any social circle if that applies. This situation is probably the most common.

(3) Close Friends: You've been one-on-one friends, and not just within a social circle. Once you start adding the benefits, basically this emulates much the same as a casual, open relationship people may have. This is definitely where feelings are most involved, because you've known them one-on-one, so it's LIKE a relationship. Communication is a huge must here, because the friendship means more, and the feelings are more likely higher.

In the end, it's all about communication. You're not going to get what you want/desire most likely in the end if you really like them, but at the same time, if they are a true, understanding person & friend, they'll make sure everything's cool in the end and not play games with ya.
 Krissie59
Joined: 10/15/2010
Msg: 129
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History
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 3/29/2012 5:29:01 PM
Let's face it. How many women or men do you know that cast their marraiges on the side in the hopes that they MAY meet someone new? No, in reality the divorce happened because there is someone waiting in the wings that they have already been involved with. Same with FWB. But this woman is more honest than most. Now that you know that about her, if you can't accept it, move on.
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 130
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 3/29/2012 5:58:02 PM
So she has to stop her life just for you? and your not her boyfriend, A chat or a date from someone doesnt mean you are exclusive. Get over it, if you like her show her your the one, if not dont worry about what she does.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?