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 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 51
Why does dating seem so much like work?Page 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Also, it's false to assume that if I learn how it works that I am actually going to be able to apply that knowledge. I read How To Win Friends and Influence People. Do I understand it? Yes. Can I apply it? Hell no. Why not? Because that requires experience dealing with actual people. It's too hard to get the practice you need. If you have trouble getting a date, how are you going to practice your skills?


You learn by doing, nor just reading some material and expect that it will change you overnight. The above mentioned book does work. I've seen it at work with sales people, with people that wanted to be more dynamic and social. I've even seen it at work with me. But realize that YOU have to go out there and get the experience. And you start simply by talking to people, and when communicating at work, using the material, so there are a ton of opportunities to make this work.



Yes, the system does suck (I have no desire to kiss everyone's ass and say that it doesn't because I would be lying if I said I thought it didn't suck), but there's not much we can do about it. So, we have to learn to live with what we have.


Another self defeating statement. The system works quite well for some people. But for the majority, it does require some effort. Take for instance me. POF has not been very effective for me in the past. Some other website was. And I could get one or two dates a week. This place zero. Then I contacted one lady from here. The communication evolved rather slow. Then she said okay to a date. Then it cooled off for a couple of weeks because she had to do some business traveling and after that suddenly the relationship took off.

The point is, keep trying, here, there, real life, you never know. It turned out that POF worked for me, when I least expected.
 Maverick325
Joined: 5/1/2011
Msg: 52
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 8/19/2012 8:14:30 PM

Also, it's false to assume that if I learn how it works that I am actually going to be able to apply that knowledge. I read How To Win Friends and Influence People. Do I understand it? Yes. Can I apply it? Hell no. Why not? Because that requires experience dealing with actual people. It's too hard to get the practice you need. If you have trouble getting a date, how are you going to practice your skills?


You learn by doing, nor just reading some material and expect that it will change you overnight. The above mentioned book does work. I've seen it at work with sales people, with people that wanted to be more dynamic and social. I've even seen it at work with me. But realize that YOU have to go out there and get the experience. And you start simply by talking to people, and when communicating at work, using the material, so there are a ton of opportunities to make this work.


It did help, but I just find it INCREDIBLY difficult to apply most it. I mean, I am getting a math PhD, and the math PhD is child's play compared to applying that stuff, at least for me (actually, it looks like I'm going to just barely get the PhD, but the statement still stands). I guess the way a lot of people are with math, that's the way I am with people. Worse, really. I am shocked by the difficulties my students have with math, but I don't think the worst I have seen in math even comes CLOSE to how bad I am with people. For example, he tells you to give people sincere compliments. I can never come up with sincere ones--it always seems completely forced, so I just fail at it altogether. It's just unbelievably hard for me. Plus, with the whole math PhD thing, I have precious little time or energy to put into it.



Yes, the system does suck (I have no desire to kiss everyone's ass and say that it doesn't because I would be lying if I said I thought it didn't suck), but there's not much we can do about it. So, we have to learn to live with what we have.


Another self defeating statement. The system works quite well for some people. But for the majority, it does require some effort.


Alright, it just sucks for most people, then. Same thing. I don't think it's self-defeating. I think it's just true. You're not going to convince me that Chinese water torture is great fun, and similarly, you're not going to convince me that dating, as I am experiencing it, is great fun. Actually, the dates themselves are okay. It's just going on 10 in a row (with months in between them), and having no luck that kind of blows.



Take for instance me. POF has not been very effective for me in the past. Some other website was. And I could get one or two dates a week. This place zero. Then I contacted one lady from here. The communication evolved rather slow. Then she said okay to a date. Then it cooled off for a couple of weeks because she had to do some business traveling and after that suddenly the relationship took off.

The point is, keep trying, here, there, real life, you never know. It turned out that POF worked for me, when I least expected.


Saying it sucks doesn't mean I gave up. Just means it isn't producing anything. When I go on dates, I leave all this at home. I don't bring any negativity to the date. Just be myself. Not working very well.

I have ALWAYS thought real life was the answer to my prayers. I asked this girl out one time, and it was the scariest thing I have ever done by far. It's awful. And my roommate kind of discouraged me from talking to strangers, which is dumb on his part, but it knocked what little courage I had out of me, despite the fact that I disagree with him fiercely on this.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 53
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History
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 8/19/2012 10:43:43 PM

I don't think it's self-defeating. I think it's just true.


It normally is self defeating.

90% of the "sour grapes" posts on this forum come from people that just aren't dateable. And the only reason they aren't are themselves.

It's normally a circular mentality that destroys one's own chances. The way to make yourself appealing to the opposite sex is simply to be someone the opposite sex would want to date. The problem is, self image and mental blocks often ruin this. Many people have a problem with seeing themselves as "deficient to others" so they will ALWAYS see themselves as someone that everyone should want to date.

Look at all the people who say "I'm a nice guy!" Half of the time, in their post history, these "nice guys" will have post histories that seeth with bitter, hateful nonsense, sexist-ly stereotyping all women, or whining with self depreciating attention seeking.

Why would I possibly want to date someone like this? But they don't see all of that; in their heads, they have gigantic blinders on and they see themselves as this "nice wonderful guy with so much to offer on the inside" as opposed to the whiny seething bitter sexist that they really are.

This is an extreme example, but it's pretty much MOST people's problems with dating; they just don't see themselves for what they are to other people, so they never take the steps to improve. Meanwhile, other non-supermodel guys that don't have these issues are getting three and four dates a week (and when they give these guys advice, it's completely ignored). And it's all self defeating because it's something that the people themselves can easily handle.
 Lionesse19
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 54
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 8/19/2012 11:19:06 PM
Men on here have a harder time dating then do the women. It is always best to talk on the phone and webcam before meeting if you dont want to potentially waste your time. However only a physical meet can discern if there is any magic or connection and they are who they say they are. Remember that it should always be just drinks and dutch for half an hour and if she doesnt agree to that, move on. Dont believe all the hype about statistics and percentages. Men vastly outnumber women on cyberspace dating sites and women are wary, which is natural.
 Maverick325
Joined: 5/1/2011
Msg: 55
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 8/20/2012 3:25:13 PM
It normally is self defeating.


Definition of sucking in this context: attempting to do something over and over again and not getting anything out of it.

That is objectively true in my case. The only thing negative I added to it was calling it "suckage". That's a small addition, I think. I mean, if you went to a restaurant and they forgot to serve you and then closed, I think you would be justified in saying it sucked. You might object that you can always expect a restaurant to serve you, but in dating, you know it's a crap shoot. Well, I thought everyone just went and dated and eventually they found someone. I found out that's not true. It's really heavy to think that maybe you're never going to find anyone. To dismiss such a thought as overly negative is just being unrealistic, in my case. I think there's a real possibility that will happen.


90% of the "sour grapes" posts on this forum come from people that just aren't dateable. And the only reason they aren't are themselves.


Where I come from, you don't get to just make stuff up. How can you say that about people you don't know? I am myself. And I have a disability. I am myself, and myself is great, but it can't deal with people to save it's life.




It's normally a circular mentality that destroys one's own chances. The way to make yourself appealing to the opposite sex is simply to be someone the opposite sex would want to date. The problem is, self image and mental blocks often ruin this. Many people have a problem with seeing themselves as "deficient to others" so they will ALWAYS see themselves as someone that everyone should want to date.


Well, obviously, that's not applicable to me. I just said I am terrible with people. If I said I was great with people, it would be like claiming to be a virtuoso on the piano, when I can't even play chopsticks. It would be utter nonsense to the point of being laughable, not positive thinking. I am extremely deficient to others. But, I am a very nice person. My ex said I am the most loving person she has ever known, the best friend she ever had. And she's not bullshitting. I'm not claiming to be some kind of angel. There are certain times, just like any other guy, when I can be a jerk, even. But, my ex didn't just say that. My ex ALSO said when she first met me, she thought I was the most awkward person she had ever met. That is a recipe for a genuinely good guy who is going to have trouble with dating if there ever was one.



Look at all the people who say "I'm a nice guy!" Half of the time, in their post history, these "nice guys" will have post histories that seeth with bitter, hateful nonsense, sexist-ly stereotyping all women, or whining with self depreciating attention seeking.


I'm not mad at women. I'm just frustrated with the situation. The frustration is with myself and the situation, not with women. True, they are a big part of the situation. But it's like when I forgot to bring my music to my saxophone lesson. My teacher said he was frustrated, but he wasn't angry. That's about how it is. Sure, they are responsible for it, but I'm not mad at them. Doesn't mean they did anything wrong, per se.

Incidentally, my guess is your bar for what you would call "hateful" is pretty low. There's a lot of stereotyping going in the other direction. As if anyone who utters the slightest complaint about dating is automatically in the same category with those idiots who e-mail a girl and call her names just because she rejected them. That's BS.



This is an extreme example, but it's pretty much MOST people's problems with dating; they just don't see themselves for what they are to other people, so they never take the steps to improve. Meanwhile, other non-supermodel guys that don't have these issues are getting three and four dates a week (and when they give these guys advice, it's completely ignored). And it's all self defeating because it's something that the people themselves can easily handle.


I doubt it. Some people just have bad social skills. I am bad with people, and I have always been bad with people my whole life, before I even thought about dating. Most of my life I didn't even try to date, and I was always terrible with people. So, when I start dating, what do you expect?

I see what I am to other people. Awkward. If I knew how to improve, I'd do something about it. Imagine if people were judged in dating based on how good they were at math. Suddenly, the tables would be turned. A lot of people would be struggling. So many people struggle with math. If they had to take a graduate level math class in order to get a date, they'd be screwed. I imagine they might not be too happy about it. In fact, they'd probably just give up and become monks. So, that's basically the situation I am in, except it's social skills instead of math. You shouldn't trivialize the difficulty that people like me are having. I think this is a pretty accurate analogy. So, if I just point that out, I know it sounds negative, but it's the truth. It's not something I can easily handle. That's like telling one of my students they are really a math genius, so they should sit in on some advanced algebraic topology classes. It's just oblivious to reality. And I'm optimistic about people's abilities, but it just isn't going to happen without a huge fight on their part.
 CaliforniaAries85
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 56
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 8/21/2012 8:23:37 AM
"Why does dating seem so much like work?"

lololol This question runs through my mind all the time. But really, it's ONLINE dating. Normal dating is soooooo much easier than online dating. At least as a female. In the real world, you're usually somewhat acquainted with someone before you go on any sort of date. And you know they're already into you, so you just put on a cute outfit and turn up the charm and you're good to go. But when you meet someone from a dating site, that first meeting is under extreme pressure. Gotta say the right thing, do the right thing, wear the right thing. And you really do "gotta" because online dating is all about making a great first impression.

I just say screw it and don't stress about it anymore. I'll be me, which I'm pretty confident is fairly awesome, and the guy is either going to be into me or he won't. It's that simple.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 57
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 8/21/2012 8:53:23 AM

I am getting a math PhD, and the math PhD is child's play compared to applying that stuff, at least for me (actually, it looks like I'm going to just barely get the PhD, but the statement still stands). I guess the way a lot of people are with math, that's the way I am with people. Worse, really. I am shocked by the difficulties my students have with math, but I don't think the worst I have seen in math even comes CLOSE to how bad I am with people.


Alas. Very interesting point you make. I've seen this to be the case many times with intellectual people. The only exception would be Abelian, who has found a balance between logic (intellect) and creating attraction (emotion). In your mind you process information as mathematical equations that if they do not feel true to you, your intellect stops you in your tracks. It's like asking my accountant to give me a ball park figure. She never could do that!! Even if it was within 50 bucks.

The other problem I see a lot with highly intellectual people is that they don't seem to be able to do one of the most essentials things that would move attraction forward. As Cowboy in his post has said many times and that is to engage in "Small Talk". Nothing important, nothing of consequence, just an easy feeling about life.

People in general want and have an incredible need to be acknowledged as a person, as a human being. The irony is that take for instance an incredibly gorgeous woman. She knows that she is attractive, but she does not want you to tell her that. Actually she hides her insecurities behind her beauty, that way the usual shallow men that want her only for sex, will say, Hey, you are hot!! While some other guy, simply ask her about the belt she is wearing or some other casual thing that validates something that is inside of her that has value.

One guy will come here b it ch ing that all women are shallow and impossible to connect and gives up. The other says, this is great, and yes, it can be work, but the challenges, the discoveries, the fun of getting to know and share are just awesome.

Also, if you follow the laws of attraction, what you see is what you get. What you think, is what comes back. Change what you think, and you will change your outcome.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 58
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 8/21/2012 12:30:05 PM

Definition of sucking in this context: attempting to do something over and over again and not getting anything out of it.

One might argue that doing anything to get something out of it is a good recipe for frustration and disappointment.

That is objectively true in my case. The only thing negative I added to it was calling it "suckage". That's a small addition, I think. I mean, if you went to a restaurant and they forgot to serve you and then closed, I think you would be justified in saying it sucked. You might object that you can always expect a restaurant to serve you, but in dating, you know it's a crap shoot. Well, I thought everyone just went and dated and eventually they found someone. I found out that's not true. It's really heavy to think that maybe you're never going to find anyone. To dismiss such a thought as overly negative is just being unrealistic, in my case. I think there's a real possibility that will happen.

It's only a big deal if you care. So why do you? Sure, dating is nice, but it's not a life requirement, nor is it the end of the world if it's not happening now or generally. Only in that type of mindset does not "finding" someone cause frustration, or cause dating to feel like work.

Well, obviously, that's not applicable to me. I just said I am terrible with people. If I said I was great with people, it would be like claiming to be a virtuoso on the piano, when I can't even play chopsticks. It would be utter nonsense to the point of being laughable, not positive thinking. I am extremely deficient to others. But, I am a very nice person. My ex said I am the most loving person she has ever known, the best friend she ever had. And she's not bullshitting. I'm not claiming to be some kind of angel. There are certain times, just like any other guy, when I can be a jerk, even. But, my ex didn't just say that. My ex ALSO said when she first met me, she thought I was the most awkward person she had ever met. That is a recipe for a genuinely good guy who is going to have trouble with dating if there ever was one.

There are only two reasons someone is terrible with people. They either have no experience interacting with them and don't put themselves in situations where that will change, or they don't want to interact with them overall, and are in no rush to try. I've been in both places, so I get that. If you actually want to be good with people, it's a matter of getting used to it, which you really can't do unless you repeat the process a bunch of times. We were all bad with interaction at some point. Some just got thrown into social situations earlier - and even people with a social deficiency can work around it with enough experience.

I'm not mad at women. I'm just frustrated with the situation. The frustration is with myself and the situation, not with women. True, they are a big part of the situation. But it's like when I forgot to bring my music to my saxophone lesson. My teacher said he was frustrated, but he wasn't angry. That's about how it is. Sure, they are responsible for it, but I'm not mad at them. Doesn't mean they did anything wrong, per se.

Women don't do much outside of exist in the environment - sure some can be rude, but that's a reflection on them mostly, they can't insult you personally without really knowing you.

I doubt it. Some people just have bad social skills. I am bad with people, and I have always been bad with people my whole life, before I even thought about dating. Most of my life I didn't even try to date, and I was always terrible with people. So, when I start dating, what do you expect?

You expect to be not so great at it until you get used to it, same as social experience. Again, we've all had bad social skills at some point, and we learned what to do and what not to based on what we got for reactions, what we were told, what we watched others do.

I see what I am to other people. Awkward. If I knew how to improve, I'd do something about it. Imagine if people were judged in dating based on how good they were at math. Suddenly, the tables would be turned. A lot of people would be struggling. So many people struggle with math. If they had to take a graduate level math class in order to get a date, they'd be screwed. I imagine they might not be too happy about it. In fact, they'd probably just give up and become monks. So, that's basically the situation I am in, except it's social skills instead of math. You shouldn't trivialize the difficulty that people like me are having. I think this is a pretty accurate analogy. So, if I just point that out, I know it sounds negative, but it's the truth. It's not something I can easily handle. That's like telling one of my students they are really a math genius, so they should sit in on some advanced algebraic topology classes. It's just oblivious to reality. And I'm optimistic about people's abilities, but it just isn't going to happen without a huge fight on their part.

I think math is more important than dating, so if I needed math skills to date and not having them cut me out, I'm not sure I'd call it a major loss. I'd be more worried about applying math skills in profession than I would when it came to dating. It's not something any of us HAS to do. It's not a priority. Making it a high priority in your life is a sure fire way to make it a hardship because it's such a crapshoot - it's not consistent and doesn't depend on any one thing, not to mention it takes a whole other person to make it work. So it should be expected that it's not always going to pan out, and looked at as a bonus, but not a must.
 beneboo
Joined: 6/8/2012
Msg: 59
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 8/21/2012 7:14:56 PM
It seems to be "so much work" because you aren't getting desirable results. If you're dating people you're actually into and who are into you as well, it won't seem like "work". If you're focused on one person and with them, you're on a your way to an actual relationship as opposed to dating multiple nobodies, it would be actually be more *gasp* fun. However, since you aren't getting what you want (like the majority here)....the fun is sucked out of it and it feels tedious, like a chore....like WORK.

To get to the relationship portion DOES involve work though. Meaningful, fulfilling relationships don't just HAPPEN. Put minimal effort into your dating approach and stay single.
 Maverick325
Joined: 5/1/2011
Msg: 60
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 8/21/2012 8:20:21 PM

Alas. Very interesting point you make. I've seen this to be the case many times with intellectual people. The only exception would be Abelian, who has found a balance between logic (intellect) and creating attraction (emotion). In your mind you process information as mathematical equations that if they do not feel true to you, your intellect stops you in your tracks. It's like asking my accountant to give me a ball park figure. She never could do that!! Even if it was within 50 bucks.


I can handle ambiguity, imprecision, ball park estimates and all that. Actually, I think the most important thing in real math is intuition, not logic. If you don't have any ideas, the logic is useless, and the ideas don't really come from logic. Logic is just used to check things. Maybe it's partly the other way around. Maybe just being bad with people made me over-compensate and develop my intellect and that's why I ended up being into math and stuff. But what really prevents me from being able to relate to other people is inhibitions and too much self-awareness. Even if my intellect can understand what needs to be done, it seems like I need super-human courage and will-power to actually make myself do it. Or I just find that I find it very hard. Take smiling. I hate fake smiles and I can't make myself do a real smile, most of the time, unless I think of a joke, but jokes only work once or maybe like 5 times tops, if it's really funny.



The other problem I see a lot with highly intellectual people is that they don't seem to be able to do one of the most essentials things that would move attraction forward. As Cowboy in his post has said many times and that is to engage in "Small Talk". Nothing important, nothing of consequence, just an easy feeling about life.


I can do that to some extent, but I'm not particularly good at it.

I just don't have any charm, I'm not funny, I don't know what to say, don't know how to say it.




People in general want and have an incredible need to be acknowledged as a person, as a human being. The irony is that take for instance an incredibly gorgeous woman. She knows that she is attractive, but she does not want you to tell her that. Actually she hides her insecurities behind her beauty, that way the usual shallow men that want her only for sex, will say, Hey, you are hot!! While some other guy, simply ask her about the belt she is wearing or some other casual thing that validates something that is inside of her that has value.


I have a rule: never compliment a woman on her looks, unless you aren't interested in her or are already in a relationship with her, perhaps.



One guy will come here b it ch ing that all women are shallow and impossible to connect and gives up. The other says, this is great, and yes, it can be work, but the challenges, the discoveries, the fun of getting to know and share are just awesome.


I see challenges, but I don't see discoveries. Challenges are empty if you learn nothing from facing them. That's the problem. If I was making progess, it might be a little better. But I am not making progress because I don't know what I'm doing wrong, and I never find out what I am doing wrong. Those times when I learn something about dating are the exception, rather than the rule. Actually, I like actually going on dates. I just don't like feeling like I have no control over the situation. To give another analogy, if I had to become a grand master at chess in order to get a date, it would be hopeless. I'm never going to be a grandmaster, no matter how hard I try, realistically. But I would be happier about having to become a grandmaster to get a date than what I actually have to do to get a date because at least I would know how I can improve. I could get feedback, see how much progress I was making, and so on. But with people, it's just such a struggle, it's nothing like that. My progress is 100 times slower than it would be with something like chess. There's a theory of flow in psychology. You can enjoy yourself when you are just out of your comfort zone in terms of the challenge. So, it's not necessarily the case that attitude alone is making the difference. The guy who b it che s may just be doing something that is way beyond his current skill level, whereas the guy who thinks it's work, but it's great, and so on may be facing something that is just a little out of his comfort zone. That's only natural. If I gave you a math assignment that was way beyond your abilities, naturally, you would think it kind of sucked. If I gave you one that was challenging, but doable, you might enjoy it. Just telling yourself that you are having fun isn't going to change the very real difference between those two scenarios.





Also, if you follow the laws of attraction, what you see is what you get. What you think, is what comes back. Change what you think, and you will change your outcome.


Until this law is proven, I will not believe it. I get knocked down, but I get up again. That is the way it is for me. I'm not going to deny that I get knocked down. That's just denial. But when I go on the next date, I forget about it. I get back up again. I remember on a recent date, she specifically asked me about how my dates usually went. Not a typical date question. THAT made me vulnerable. I didn't have a defense against that. But, if they don't ask, I really don't think they could ever guess that I am having this much trouble with it. I mean, it's by choice. I just have normal guy's standards, even though I am not a normal guy. If I was normal, I'd probably have a beautiful wife, as of like 5 years ago who met all my standards.

I mean, women say they don't like desperation because they are afraid that the guy is going to settle for them or something. So, I'm not settling. And that's why it's so tough. It's somewhat self-imposed. But you could argue that I have no choice, but to keep my standards high.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 61
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History
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 8/29/2012 5:21:52 PM
^^^^^
If you hate masculinity and hate being a man, it's time to turn in your testicles and man card. Time to revoke your privileges.

vvvvv I'm old enough to be your dad and I'm saying man up son! You need Tom Leykis!
 hockeyfan82
Joined: 10/30/2011
Msg: 62
view profile
History
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 8/30/2012 10:05:34 PM
I dunno. A lot of girls just want a free expensive meal and a free movie. Don't fall for that crap. I'm willing to spend a little money on the first date. But there's nothing "un"romantic about a walk in the park, watching the sunset, staring at the stars, going bowling, having a cup of coffee, going to a museum, I don't know.

I've learned from experience not to take a girl to a fancy restaurant and/or a movie on the first date. You're just being played. I don't mind going to a non-expensive restaurant, but there really isn't a reason to have to spend money on a date. If a person really wants money to be spent on them on the first date, use that like an FBI agent to detect "ulterior motive"...

Source: experience. I've given away so many free movies and nice dinners to girls without so much as a thank you or even a successful attempt to communicate with them the day next or ever again.

Don't repeat my mistakes.
 masterotaku
Joined: 7/20/2012
Msg: 63
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 8/30/2012 10:53:57 PM
I think in some sense dating *IS* a numbers game. And it is a lot of work. Relating successfully to someone on this intimate a level is not easy. If it were no one would be single. LOL

One of the things you have to realize about yourself...is that your single. And it's not about blaming yourself or others for the fact being true, but rather taking responsibility for it.

I know intrinsically that the reason why I'm currently single is entirely 100% due to me. Sure I've thought at times that I've been under appreciated, misunderstood, taken for granted...etc... But exiting the relationships that were like that was my choice. I think a lot of people remain in relationships they'd otherwise not, simply because it's better than being single. And that's not necessarily true very often, but there's a fear of being single that does manifest. I can honestly say it was one of the factors that kept me in a VERY dysfunctional marriage far longer than I should have stayed.

It's sort of weird too, but I suppose it's a natural progression of things as you get older. My list of "must haves", or at least the way I look at the whole point of such a thing has changed. It's drastically smaller than it ever was in my life before.

My list of "gotchas", though it hasn't grown a great deal, it has changed, and become VERY SPECIFIC. But this is something that came to me via experience I suppose. That list of things someone else can do or say or believe that you reliably have discovered will be untenable.

Conversely, the way I choose to live my life and believe tends to bump hardcore against many women's "gotcha" lists. I'm an extremely atypical 45 year old business professional. Odd and unique hobbies, odd and unique friends, a definitively non-mainstream worldview (being an atheist in the bible belt sucks...but it is what it is).

My external image does not fit it's stereotype at all LOL.

These things coupled with the fact that it's near difficult to impossible to truly glean someones nature from a scant few paragraphs, or even a collection of messages or phonecalls, makes this even more challenging.

This is why I tend to go into "lets go out" mode almost immediately. And it's not ego that drives me to do this. I am a hardcore extrovert to be sure, and I have a lot of self confidence. Still I'm as capable of being hurt and disappointed as the next person. And I haven't become numb to disappointment, I've just internalized and accepted that if you're gonna make an omelet, you gotta break a lot of eggs. :)

Dating is a process. It's a trying and sometimes grueling process. But I honestly can't ever recall a time when it's been easy. The internet makes it no easier...

Just more convenient to consider...
 RockinRollMan
Joined: 7/19/2012
Msg: 64
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 9/2/2012 7:10:33 AM
Man you certainly are behind the train running after it as its leaving the station , look... online dating isnt the same as real world dating.


I'd disagree with that point. Women are still shallow and most men are looking to get laid, it's the same online as it is in the real world, at least for people my age anyway. Be an average or even ugly looking dude and go to a bar and attempt to chat up the good looking girls, odds are they ignore you or try to pass you off to one of their fat single friends.

It's just the way it is. You can try and say that there is something about my personality that makes me unattractive, but to be quite honest, I am probably one of the most unique and interesting people to be around. At the end of the day it comes down to one key characteristic that makes a woman want to date a man, physical attraction. Kinda funny how it works, the gals I am attracted to are not attracted to me and wouldn't want to date me for that reason alone. Women who are attracted to me, I am not attracted to and therefor I would not want to date. It's a hilariously cynical cycle.
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 65
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 9/2/2012 7:37:16 AM
At my age I found all the baggage they wanted to dump on me exhausting, so I stopped online dating in 2007-2008. I did real life dating after that. I am sort of on hiatus now...

When u r w/ the right person it is not work. Maybe people have to stop wasting time on the wrong ones!
 qualityl
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 66
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 9/2/2012 8:00:57 AM
Blonde Angel that is so true. Dating in real life is a blessing, and give you a happy feeling inside. To find true love is a reason that would you never feel like its work. Dating with the right partner should give you moments to take your breath away. I think todays world of dating suck at times, until you find the man that makes you smile always. Little things in life matter, but not calling, or not making you feel that you are special in his life is for the birds. These are the men that you eliminate, and move on to better relationships. I think I am giving up on dating online.
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 67
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 9/3/2012 8:37:43 AM

Blonde Angel that is so true. Dating in real life is a blessing, and give you a happy feeling inside. To find true love is a reason that would you never feel like its work. Dating with the right partner should give you moments to take your breath away. I think todays world of dating suck at times, until you find the man that makes you smile always. Little things in life matter, but not calling, or not making you feel that you are special in his life is for the birds. These are the men that you eliminate, and move on to better relationships. I think I am giving up on dating online


ah a kindred spirit who gets it!
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 68
view profile
History
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 9/3/2012 4:11:11 PM
^^^^^
The above statement quoted is so true. I could not agree more.

Dating seems so much like work if only one person is trying hard to impress the other. If both people are into each other, it's a lot easier.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 69
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 9/3/2012 5:34:16 PM
I'm agreeing with the last couple posts. It only feels like work when two people aren't into each other, or when people date backwards - meaning they date random people hoping to like one instead of waiting until they meet someone they like and might want to date, and then going on the dates.

If you are both on the same page, either it is work that's a pleasure to do or it isn't really work at all - I'm not sure which.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 70
view profile
History
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 9/3/2012 5:43:00 PM
I'm in agreement with many others, so won't bother trying to quote them all. My second marriage, a stark contrast to my first, was truly effortless. We both had children and trust me, literally, crazy exes, but those were the only areas of conflict. I know what total bliss is, because I lived it, and it was anything BUT like work. I've also met others since I've been widowed, that were pleasant to be around, but there were areas of incompatability to where it wouldn't be a successful merging of our lives, even though we enjoyed each other's company.

I don't understand why anyone would willingly do something that expends that much effort? I've had some fairly early conversations, other contacts where I felt mentally spent. That was it, over, done. Why the heck would I go on to actually date someone where an interaction leaves me exhausted? I like myself WAY too much for that!
 Edward4523
Joined: 10/2/2014
Msg: 71
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 4/17/2015 12:36:37 AM
"Enjoy the work" What do you mean the humiliation and countless rejections. Ya that's fun right?
 Eternityboreme
Joined: 3/18/2015
Msg: 72
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 4/17/2015 4:06:04 AM

"Enjoy the work" What do you mean the humiliation and countless rejections. Ya that's fun right?


How many people have YOU rejected to whom you weren't attracted?
 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 73
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 4/17/2015 5:36:49 AM


How many people have YOU rejected to whom you weren't attracted?


Some folks are attracted to everybody. Remember CubanBeats? The Suburban Lothario?

He's raiding the hearts of apartment complexes during the day and has never rejected anyone.
 Axis555
Joined: 3/29/2015
Msg: 74
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 4/17/2015 5:51:34 AM

Enjoy the work" What do you mean the humiliation and countless rejections. Ya that's fun right?

Oh I loved this :)


Why does dating seem so much like work?

Because it IS work, or well becomes like work when you aren't enjoying it or getting anywhere. Best approach is to do it when you want and don't over exert yourself when trying to date. Just like anything else, you can get burnt out. I'm a bit on and off when it comes to online dating. When I get bored or have plenty of free time I'll pop on and talk a bit. If I get frustrated I stop and give it a break. If I think I'm too busy I also give it a break.
 Eternityboreme
Joined: 3/18/2015
Msg: 75
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 4/17/2015 6:52:44 AM



Some folks are attracted to everybody. Remember CubanBeats? The Suburban Lothario?

He's raiding the hearts of apartment complexes during the day and has never rejected anyone.


Exception duly noted!
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