Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 PinkNeonSocks78
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 29
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the futurePage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

He said he had grown up in an abusive home.


That's what you missed. You posted this as if it shouldn't be taken seriously but it should be.

In my personal opinion he's conditioned to violent outburst being he was raised in that kind of environment. He needs help that you can't give him. Maybe instead of looking for a way out you should recognize that this is a problem and attempt to help him through it.

I'm not like demanding you stay but it's obvious to me that there's a reason beyond his control that he's like that.
 PinkNeonSocks78
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 30
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/20/2011 8:15:50 AM

I didn't take the abusive home thing as seriously because I MYSELF grew up in an abusive home and I did not turn out to be an abuser. I just didn't believe what I always saw as a cop out. People CHOOSE to be who they are. I guess maybe there is some truth to it and just not everyone ends up like that.


You know, just because you didn't end up that way doesn't mean he is choosing to be the way he is, are you dumb? People deal with these things differently, he may have never dealt with it. Beyond that his situation may have been different, he may not be telling you everything about the abuse.

Being you yourself have been in that situation I'd expect you to be more sympathetic and want to help because he obviously needs it. Unless you yourself are pron to running when things get hard. *shakes head* you married the guy work through the problem or at least try to before you pack up and leave.
 114M3
Joined: 4/19/2011
Msg: 31
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/20/2011 8:27:32 AM
Everything else aside, I think the biggest red flag here was that you moved way too fast with this guy for your own good. .... To me at least ONE whole YEAR of dating & relating is the bare minimum it would take for me to consider getting hitched or otherwise with any guy. (I don't believe in cohabiting cos if I were confident enough to move in with a guy then I as sure as hell should be confident enough to be married to him. I prefer to look at it as "all or nothing" but meh, that's just my opinion and a whole other topic in itself.)

Anyhoo .... bad temper was also the cause for break-up in my last relationship too. ... But in my case, it didn't take long for me to realize the patterns. ....... We had our first fall out after just 3 mos of dating ..... And after that, for a duration of 6 more months he kept throwing temper tantrums and crazy mood swings on & off. We sat down and had talks about this. I wanted to give both of us a trying chance before coming to a point where I couldn't take it anymore. ... For a duration of 6 more months, he did not for one bit change at all (shouldn't be any surprises there actually) and I only began to realize MORE patterns in his temper. I.e., got PO'd and wanted to beat his 4 yr old nephew up for being a little mischievous (this coming from a 32 year man). ....

Red flags in his past I should have taken into consideration:

- Just a little over a year sober (drinking since 17 or 18. Confessed to often getting drunk to the point of passing out).
- His parents divorced when he was about 4 b/c of his dad's alcoholic problems.
- Not sure if this has anything to do with it but he was in the service and deployed to Iraq for a year. He says he got treatment for PTSD and didn't it need anymore.

His confessions to these things were a shocker for me cos NONE of the guys I dated in the past were even anything close to this. I was caught in between wanting to just call it quits after hearing this and not being so judgmental to jump so quickly to conclusions. So I gave us a chance.

Long story short - one day, I just decided enough was enough and left. Who was I fooling trying to think he would realize his temper problem and somehow miraculously change?? ... ... At just nine months of knowing one another he'd already shown some angles of how awful his temper could be. What more did I need to see how much worse it could get? One more year? Five more years? TEN more years? ... NO thanks.

So as you can see TIME can reveal a lot of things about people. ...... OP, next time I would suggest you take the time to really learn as much as you can about the other person before deciding to marry, cohabit or otherwise with them. Take off those rose-colored glasses and get over the "honeymoon phase". Don't shrug off the little red flags which may or may not become something more serious down the line. ........ Engage in as many varied activities & situations as much as you can with them. ... Observe yourself too in how you approach these situations ...... If you are going to do anything as serious as marrying someone (supposedly) for the rest of your life -- time can help reveal a lot of truths. Such as time did here for your marriage also.

 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 32
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/20/2011 8:47:23 AM

WHY should I waste one more second having any form of loyalty to the man I am married to? lol. He killed that about a week after the wedding and has done everything he can to keep it that way.


YOU did say this,,,,correct??????

Then,,,,may I ask,,,,WTF does this mean?????


Yes I got pregnant after my marriage went south. I am currently 10 weeks pregnant. Wifely duties and all. I am still married. I never said I was not still married. What I did say is I am planning my exit from my marriage as carefully as possible.


As far as I know, "planning" requires "thinking", which YOU are obviously NOT doing right now in your life. I would also disagree on YOU being "careful". That is, YOU are NOT thinking,before DOING!!!!! As an adult, these types of actions of YOURS does not bode well,for your child or you. Hopefully, you figure out YOUR life,beforeYOU start worrying about the next guy.
It seems you are "missing" more than one or two mistakes that you are making along the way. Again, slow down, and start thinking,,,before the doing part.Something you should have learnt a longggggggggggggg time ago.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 33
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/20/2011 8:55:45 AM
MARRIED & PREGNANT & ON POF??? WTF, YOUR HORMONES ARE PROBABLY ALL OVER THE PLACE- I READ YOUR AD- GET IT THE FVCK OFF OF HERE...HAVE THE BABY, GET YOUR SH!T TOGETHER, THEN DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
I THOUGHT I SAW EVERYTHING ON THIS SITE, THIS TAKES THE CAKE
 114M3
Joined: 4/19/2011
Msg: 34
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/20/2011 9:01:59 AM

As far as I know, "planning" requires "thinking", which YOU are obviously NOT doing right now in your life. I would also disagree on YOU being "careful". That is, YOU are NOT thinking,before DOING!!!!! As an adult, these types of actions of YOURS does not bode well,for your child or you. Hopefully, you figure out YOUR life,beforeYOU start worrying about the next guy.

It seems you are "missing" more than one or two mistakes that you are making along the way. Again, slow down, and start thinking,,,before the doing part.Something you should have learnt a longggggggggggggg time ago.


^^^ Agreed. This is gonna sound harsh OP but from your post here it seems you have a pattern of doing certain LIFE-ALTERING things without really putting serious thoughts into it. Such as with your marriage. And such as with your pregnancy.

Perhaps the biggest difference you can make here is your general approach to these situation Reviewing the possible long-term (good & bad) consequences before making any such decisions might help prevent future mishaps from happening again.
 albanyguy77
Joined: 1/13/2011
Msg: 35
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/20/2011 9:02:36 AM
i dont know...i know ill sound like an A hole....but if i were you.....i wouldnt be having his kid at any cost....you have that kid....he will be entitled share custody of that child....you really wanna put your kid in that situation????? after what he told you????
 Sharzi
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 37
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/20/2011 10:20:29 AM
I know this thread was started over a year ago, but hopefully you did get out, and this is all now a moot point.

There is nothing you could have done. You're smart if you got out. I stayed in a marriage just like yours for 29 years. I hope you don't waste your youth trying to find out what you did wrong. Some people have emotional/mental issues that are not, and will never be your fault... as much as the abuser would like to make you think their horrible rages are due to what you said or did.

You can't fix this. Only he can, and he may not even realize how bad his behavior is because mentally, his behavior seems "normal" and justified.

Make a life for yourself with a loving, caring man. Pay very close attention to how that person treats others though. I saw signs of my ex's rage against his mother. He tried to blame it on her being a nag, but anyone who cannot control their temper with someone else, will eventually transfer that aggression from others, to you.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 38
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/20/2011 10:25:04 AM

I know this thread was started over a year ago, but hopefully you did get out, and this is all now a moot point.

I thought this thread was from today. It is still Nov 20 2011, right? Did I lose some time somewhere?
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 40
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/20/2011 10:41:54 AM



I know this thread was started over a year ago, but hopefully you did get out, and this is all now a moot point.


I thought this thread was from today. It is still Nov 20 2011, right? Did I lose some time somewhere?


No WIP ... you're right.
I think she was reading the OP's joining date.
 Aries_328
Joined: 10/16/2011
Msg: 41
view profile
History
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/20/2011 11:00:10 AM

Yes I got pregnant after my marriage went south. I am currently 10 weeks pregnant. Wifely duties and all. I am still married. I never said I was not still married. What I did say is I am planning my exit from my marriage as carefully as possible.


I saw this thread and your question was valid. I saw the responses and several made sense. The time line was too short, etc... Then I get to this. Once again it's way too early to feel like but I do now.

You have known for how long before you got pregnant?
You do know how pregnancy happens right?
You are aware that you have 99.9% ability to prevent it from occurring right?
Wifely duties? OMG where can I find one of those???

Everything you are leading into here is starting to suggest that you are the source here. You may have got yourself into a tough situation but I'm really thinking that some of this is actually following you. How much of this have you experienced before? Are you the one with abuse in the background? I'm not calling you out or blaming you but I'm getting the sense of 'another story' here.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 42
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/20/2011 11:00:34 AM

OK I met my current husband on Plentyoffish...
I am planning my exit from my marriage as carefully as possible.


Is announcing this on POF a smart thing to do? If he is a POFer, he could be reading this, or don't you care if he reads this?
 Blue-Eyes-Shine
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 44
view profile
History
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/20/2011 11:27:30 AM

I have to question, What in your behavior perhaps provokes him?


Probably just the fact that she signed the Bill Of Sale, marriage license. An abuser doesn't need a reason to abuse, he just needs a victim.
 mrsforums
Joined: 6/14/2011
Msg: 45
view profile
History
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/20/2011 11:30:00 AM
Right now, your question "what did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future" is probably one of the last things you should be thinking about right now.

He is violent. Get out NOW before you become the wall he jams the screwdriver into.

Your "safe exit plan" puts you in danger every day. There will be people in your community set up to help you exit safely, and exit immediately.

Get out now.

MrsF
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 47
view profile
History
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/20/2011 12:59:28 PM
If you lived with him for a year and never saw anything like this in him and no one told you anything about his problems, then how could you know? And the fact that he showed no signs of this behavior in all that time then turned into a monster after you married him means that he has control, he just likes being a monster. There's not much you could have done from what you've posted, except divorce him and stay far away from him.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 48
view profile
History
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/20/2011 3:22:37 PM
Daynadaze, you can't do anything about the past except learn from it. He hid his dark side, and you made it easy for him because: 1) you didn't know him that long before you got married; and 2) you were in love and didn't want to see any signs that were there.

But he isn't typical of every guy you'll meet, and someday -- when you are ready -- you will meet a guy who is right for you, your child, and your cat. Use the experience you gained from this bad situation to your advantage. Take things slowly, keep your eyes wide open all the time, get to know his family and friends well enough to find out any "red flags" they may be aware of, and always give your head veto power over your heart. The right guy is out there, but you aren't ready to meet him yet -- or maybe he isn't quite "right enough" and needs a little more time before he's ready for you.

In the meantime, you can have fun with friends or even perhaps date casually; your friends might even know (now or in the future) someone who is right for you. Don't let your situation pressure you into getting into a serious relationship before the time, the situation, you, and the other person are all "right".
 good_dreams
Joined: 9/14/2011
Msg: 49
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/20/2011 4:35:59 PM

If you lived with him for a year and never saw anything like this in him and no one told you anything about his problems, then how could you know? And the fact that he showed no signs of this behavior in all that time then turned into a monster after you married him means that he has control,



It makes no sense whatsoever that a person would carefully keep up an act for a year and never show their true selves to their partner until immediately after they were married . Why would a person do that to what end? Because they enjoy going through divorce proceedings?

No one can give the OP an answer to her question about what did she miss because no one on this forum knows enough about the situation to really evaluate where the two of them went wrong and what the true problems where.

The OP gets married and within 1 week the spouse turns into a monster but yet she still allows herself to become pregnant with his child, and now she has made a new profile and is already looking for the next relationship while yet married? WTF? is is just me or is that crazy? It's been said that people make their own hell. Yes.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 50
view profile
History
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/20/2011 5:39:55 PM
While I agree that we don't know all the info and are only making comments on what was posted, there are people who have pretend for a very long time only to turn on you once married. I don't know why or what they get out of it but some people are freicking nuts. I guarantee you that some people will go to lots of trouble to play games with others, if you have never been around truly mean or crazy people maybe you haven't seen it, but they are out there.
 palmer f
Joined: 4/3/2008
Msg: 51
view profile
History
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/20/2011 6:54:37 PM
I've been around some truly crazy people. They can hide it for a while, but eventually they relax and show their true self. It's very hard to believe that he didn't show any signs of his violent and controlling behavior. I'm guessing he did, but the OP was too caught up in all of the newness and other stuff to see it.

He probably would hit the walls or yell out loud or do some other type of off behavior things if she looks back. All I can say is she needs to re examine how she picks men in the future.
 Uniqueful22
Joined: 10/13/2011
Msg: 52
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/20/2011 7:31:41 PM
It seems like you didn't get to know him them well first off. Two months of knowing someone then moving in with them is not a long time. Well its really not a good idea to move in with someone before marriage trust me I know from experience. From many people Ive know it seems to always end drama. If you move in with someone before marriage and unnesscar. That could be prevented if we just wait and pray for someone to be in our lives. Its crazy to say but these days you should get a back ground check. Some people are loco these days and you would not even know. So yeah being patient and not rushing to just say that you are in a relationship.
 Theophannia
Joined: 5/7/2010
Msg: 53
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/22/2011 1:51:37 AM
Well the gist is things went way too fast and I did not have enough info before I got married to make that kind of decision with this man. I will not however terminate the pregnancy. It is NOT this child's fault. I don't believe in MURDERING my child to make MY life easier during a difficult time. That is not an option for me.

And I am not on here looking for another relationship. I have that in the first paragraph notice on my profile I think....

I just did not delete it due to the fact that I don't feel like re-writing it later. My focus NOW is getting out of this marriage and focusing on me and my child.
 HeresL00kingAtYou
Joined: 8/20/2009
Msg: 54
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/22/2011 2:22:49 AM
Watch how guys respond and react around children, animals and how they talk about their mothers and their ex. Even if they have a bad relationship with their mother and their relationship end like The War of the Roses you don't want a guy who speaks angrily about them. They may have issues with women and relationships. Watch they act around your friends and family. It may be hard to be alone. But it's better to get out of a questionable relationship and be alone than end up in a nightmare.

I would never chat with someone online for two months. You could be receiving two months of well thought out, canned, perfect responses. As soon as you feel the person is of interest meet them somewhere very public. Look into their eyes and watch body language when you ask questions.
 4everRadiant
Joined: 1/16/2011
Msg: 55
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/22/2011 4:27:42 AM
From Msg: 30
"In my personal opinion he's conditioned to violent outburst.... He needs help that you can't give him. Maybe instead of looking for a way out you should recognize that this is a problem and attempt to help him through it... "

and From Msg: 31
"Being you yourself have been in that situation I'd expect you to be more sympathetic .... Unless you yourself are pron to running ..... you married the guy work through the problem or at least try to before you pack up and leave."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



^^^^^^ No OP... NOT good advice. Those messages are guilt inducing and put dangerous onus onto you. Stay focused on getting out. Indeed, he was "conditioned to violent outburst" and yes, he most definitely needs help "that you cannot give." Given that TRUTH, it would be in your best interest to NOT try to help him but to help yourself and your developing child. Attempting to help a man with these problems may very well put you at greater risk for being beaten (so too, for your child in utero), or worse.

HE needs to take the responsibility to get help, and if he hasn't gotten it over all these years he's not going to get it now. If he's gone for help in the past, it clearly hasn't worked. YOU are not obligated to try to help a man who is violent towards animals, women, people, and in his environment. I doesn't matter if you married the man or not.
He's dangerous. Period.

Despite the mistake of marrying him, you DO NOT owe him anything. You can choose to have sympathy or compassion for his situation given you know what it's like to grow up in an abusive household, but you do not need to stick around to express that sympathy and compassion, nor are you obligated to "not run" or to help him through HIS problem...
I'd suggest you DO pack up and leave, one way or another.

Most likely, your very life (and that of your child and cat) depends upon it.
 A_Gent
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 56
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/22/2011 7:46:37 AM
We bring into a marriage all our baggage and brokenness and hurts and unmet needs. We hope that somehow love will save us.. yet the realities of a marriage often bring those issues to the surface. Sometimes it can take years. A good relationship can be healing if the issues are dealt with maturity and compassion and personal responsibility.

Perhaps your partner refuses to take responsibility for his issues (counselling/therapy) because the underlying reasons are so hurtful and he cannot face his vulnerability... perhaps if he did he may find himself liberated..... your responsibility would be to support his sincere efforts as long as it did not compromise your safety. But if he won't come to terms with himself... you have made the best choice you can to get out.

You seem to have put much effort into exploring him and his life.... Apart from taking more time to get to know a person, especially how s/he handles disappointments, I too wonder what else you could have done.

I commend you for choosing to raise your child.
 ApacheArrow
Joined: 10/12/2011
Msg: 57
What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future
Posted: 11/26/2011 9:48:14 PM
what matters right now, Op, is that you get out safely! Then get into counciling! So that you will know the signs beforehand in another relationship of choice. His signs were from the beginning! You knew he came from an abused family. Also, you didn't know him long enough before you married him, or lived with him. Good luck and get out safely!!!!
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What did I miss so I can avoid same mistake in the future