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 AUTHOR
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 34
avoiding controlling menPage 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
How to avoid controlling men/women???


Turn around and walk away as fast as you can the moment they start with their controlling ways.
 Bkrast
Joined: 2/9/2011
Msg: 35
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 11/22/2011 11:45:37 AM
Backdrop = Background, as in part of the scenery. So you did get it right. Don't know if I'd let the stars tell me a lot about my preference in partners. "The fault lies not in our stars, but in ourselves".

These lists are making me think back on past partners that in the end had controlling natures. I'm digitally shivering right now.
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 37
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 11/22/2011 12:28:53 PM
My last LTR was with a self proclaimed"independent woman", and she was to a fault. She was so protective of her independence she became paranoid and distrustful fof friends and family as well as me. She would get angry if I wanted to or tried to surprise her in any way.
She saw it as controlling. Couldn't make plans of any kind without be accused of trying to control her time. It was impossible to have a relationship any more.
To tell the truth, between and her and my ex wife before her, I find that woman that extoll themselves on their independence are the control freaks.
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 38
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 11/22/2011 2:31:17 PM
It might be helpful to see how he interacts with the female members of his immediate family. Guys who are older brothers sometimes just assume that his little sisters need guidance. Or sometimes guys who grow up in mostly male households are used to having to jockey for position within a group of males. In the first instance, it's a protective instinct, in the latter it's more a survival mode. And they might not realize that they are coming off as controlling to a woman with whom they wish to be close.

You may want to explore with these guys the HOW of their manifestation of caring. It may not be as AWFUL as all these posters are painting it!
 Snowflower07
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 39
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 11/22/2011 2:34:11 PM
Girl you hit the nail on the head on that one! I couldn't have put it better.javascript:smilie('')
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 40
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 11/22/2011 3:58:32 PM

Nice way to view other people, kind of a sexist statement really. Men are beneath women eh...

Nope - what I meant was in the context of girls night out, it's usually about the girls. Men are usually not the focus of the evening nor do we pay them much attention - so we'd barely notice whether or not two guys were outside having an argument.

How anyone views/treats strangers is a good sign of how they will treat their spouse once they've past that initial lust/honeymoon stage of dating... you eventually become just a "backdrop" to them.

I don't plan to get married, so I won't worry about this, and neither will my future non-spouse.

I've read enough from you to know I'd never date you... although I'm surprised you're single, shouldn't you have been holding onto your last bf till you found a new one?

Hold on to him for what purpose? Between work, and school there's not much time for boyfriends - and I'm usually not one to go from one to another - I spend more time single than not, as to me men are nice, but I don't feel I have to be someone's girlfriend to matter. Not sure how a personal assessment of me has to do with the fact that most women who go out with friends to a bar, club, restaurant don't particularly notice what men (or other women outside their group) are doing. They are usually paying attention to where the bathroom is, the DJ, the bartender and who's in their way on the dance floor.

I think OP was looking for ways to spot personality traits before getting seriously involved. You've been quite helpful so far ;)

Not sure what that means, but seriously, back OT - if someone's uncomfortable with the way someone else is dealing with them, it's good to step back and watch them to see what their deal is. What usually outs people who won't have your best interest at heart is time - if you don't give things time you tend to miss a lot of important information.
 MelElle
Joined: 6/26/2010
Msg: 41
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 11/22/2011 4:32:41 PM
Im not really sure there are "beginning of the relationship" warning signs. "Controlling" natures are mostly obvious further in the relationship. What's worse is that controlling people for the most part will not admit to being controlling. So it's not as though you could ask them .
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 42
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 11/22/2011 7:17:23 PM

Tim0066: as a true Scorpio, you reacted quite with a temper to WomanInProgress, who is Gemini.
Oops......let the stars tell about your compatibility in dating:

"Scorpio and Gemini love compatibility
Gemini's imagination and Scorpio's dynamism can make a good combination if only these two are able to get along together. They are close in the sexual relationships, but that is not enough. Gemini is the type who tries to live a full, busy life but not so with Scorpio, as Scorpio is more centered on the idea of self improvement. Scorpio is sensual, passionate, demanding, jealous, inflexible. Gemini is fickle, flighty, superficial, lighthearted, changeable. Gemini is a social creature, Scorpio likes privacy. The representatives of Gemini'sign take everything too easy for the Scorpio. The Scorpio is purposeful while the Gemini are always doubting. It will probably be a kind of relationships that is not easy to cope with with difficult marriage as a result."

Bottom line, both of you may be Great People, just not necessarily together!

Yes, astronomical hogwash, but accidentally very true. I have a couple Scorpio ex boyfriends. Handsome, passionate, ambitious - but too emotional, serious, took everything personal. You can't be like that ALL the time. I find that Scorpio men (IME) tend to project everything from themselves. So a conversation about "people" always turned into reassurance about them in particular. Kind of an annoying trait.

Being not a native English speaker, what is actually a "backdrop"?
Tried to look up in the dictionary, is it something like "background in the theater"?

Sort of, yeah. Like furniture.

My last LTR was with a self proclaimed"independent woman", and she was to a fault. She was so protective of her independence she became paranoid and distrustful fof friends and family as well as me. She would get angry if I wanted to or tried to surprise her in any way.
She saw it as controlling. Couldn't make plans of any kind without be accused of trying to control her time. It was impossible to have a relationship any more.
To tell the truth, between and her and my ex wife before her, I find that woman that extoll themselves on their independence are the control freaks.

Yep, I'm like this. If I have plans with you for the night, go ahead and surprise me - if we're dating I trust you know what I like and what I won't so I'm not worried. If we don't have plans and you want to surprise me at random, yeah it'll likely not go over well. Even if I'm expecting to be home all night alone (which is usually planned as well) - I'm not good with that becoming something else without some sort of notice and mental preparation.
 makeshiftxlove
Joined: 10/10/2011
Msg: 43
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 11/22/2011 7:52:28 PM
It's difficult to not preliminarily attract someone whom might be aggressive later on. Time will tell & there are some red flags that you can look out for.

I'm coming from a younger generation since I'm 22, but I dealt with a crazy (ex) fiance who became psychotically controlling 3 years into our relationship. There were some mild underlying control issues the whole way through, but when he came home from Iraq, it definitely flared.

In my opinion, some red flags that he may be a control freak or become aggressive later on are:
Grabbing your phone to spy through your texts/wanting your log-in info for websites like Facebook
Giving you ridiculous ultimatums that are no where near concise.
Assuming that you're cheating on him when you don't call him or "check-in" every 4 hours or so.
Putting you down (basically noting that you're stupid) in front of your friends/his friends.
Getting overly upset in social places in which a random male asks you a question like "Do you have the time?" & you respond back to said random male.
Trying to cut you off from your own friends/family by saying they are "bad influences".

I have a million other examples, but yeah. I'll get back to this.
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 44
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 11/22/2011 8:40:20 PM
"Trying to cut you off from your own friends/family by saying they are "bad influences"."

This goes way beyond controlling. This a classic behavior of the physically abusive person,male or female.
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 46
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 11/26/2011 1:21:53 PM
Hi OP, despite several respondent's trying to subvert your topic and talk about women controlling, which was not your question, I feel like I understand this one at least a little bit. I have run into a few case studies like this-To a controlling man, there is no greater ego boost than feeling like you have a strong accomplished beautiful woman under your spell and dominion. Controlling behavior in both sexes grows out of insecurities or dysfunctional childhoods. When a super controller can see you are one of these types of women, you are the ultimate challenge. I can also understand how when you ARE a strong woman, it can be a challenge to meet someone at or on your level. The healthiest relationships are between people who respect each other's sovereignty are able to have strong fences for non-negotiables and malleable ones so they are able to hear each other out. As some posters have described, it is good to be able to spot aspects of control and arrogance up front, so you don't play with those types. Best of luck to you Op,
 A_Gent
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 48
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 11/26/2011 2:55:25 PM
According to A. Bernstein, it is rare to find the head of a large company or organization that is not a narcissist. Their strength of vision, single minded purpose, and inherent belief that the world DOES revolve around them is part of what enables them to be as successful as they are. And most of us benefit from them by being carried along in their wake.

And yet, their egocentric needs also brings along their need for recognition and adulation.

And they sincerely believe that they are doing the world, or more so those they chose to care about (those that can suck up to them) a service by elevating them to their status.

It's not just individuals... even countries can be narcissistic.

But to ride along with them brings a high cost of satisfying their ego needs. And they will consume and dominate and demand obedience to the point of obeisance from those who are not wise or strong enough to stand their ground and manage them.

They can be very rewarding... but very demanding as partners.

And please, I am not in anyway justifying outright physical or emotional abuse...but at the root of even those things is an over inflated sense of self importance to the point of objectifying "lesser" people.

Wisdom is in knowing when to work with them, or get them out of your life.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 49
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 11/26/2011 3:14:11 PM
This is definitely not gender specific and the OP wasn’t saying it is.

Controlling behavior comes from fear. The red flags for me are level of respect, tolerance, and maturity. Is he defensive or open-minded? Does he see me as an individual or or does he generalize women? Is he judgmental or a critical thinker? Is he easy to to point fingers or does he go beyond the surface of issues? Is he interested in self growth and self reflection or does he consider those characteristics to be psycho babble?

Most importantly, does he listen to what I say and respect my preferences or does he ignore them and insist on doing things opposite to what I expressed? Does he understand that no means no? I could go on....

Good thread.

Edit: Oh wow there are some great comments here. I read some after I posted mine. I love this here cause it's so true:

Sometimes you can test the mindset by starting an easy casual conversation about something they're not knowledgeable about. Then, if they show zero interest or discomfort, that can be an indicator that they're more interested in showing superiority or authority than in learning or conversing with you or about you.
 ladyseekinggent
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 51
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History
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 11/26/2011 5:00:08 PM
Alot of counselors etc will probably say that every person is attracted to certain qualities...and that every person you meet that you are attracted to is because of this...so in the end you date the same person over and over again....and that to change this habit, you have to change yourself....

My belief, is that 'being reclusive' and 'transference ' are a big problem'. You may think you are being honest, kind, polite etc....and if you are....suddenly your date changes...but you don't know why....'rethink your past behaviors, conversations...etc....' what you say, do etc will influence what the person will say or do...in a transference dictated and controlled world....and if they become controlling ...this means to you that they feel offended and become defensive....but what you possibly don't realize is that you were only being reclusive...but they don't know you were reclusive....
I don't know if you are reclusive....but this is my opinion...
So the next date you have...just tell your date that you are more of a reclusive person not dictated by influence...and that the time you spend together...you want him to be himself...and you will be yourself.....then afterwards....go back to what they consider normal.... 'leave the world behind.....then go back to it'
 amalefriend
Joined: 2/11/2012
Msg: 52
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/23/2012 4:57:04 PM
Nobody has mentioned this. However, it happens to me regularly. By the second or third day I am chatting online with a guy, they start saying, "I saw you online. Do you talk with a lot of other people?" I am guessing this is a beginning sign of controlling. I feel like I am not even dating the person, we are only chatting, have not met, so why do they need to question me on this? I should be able to do what I want at this point. Are there men out there who do not ask this?
 marcus_biggs
Joined: 4/2/2011
Msg: 53
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/23/2012 5:48:07 PM
what do you mean by controlling?? because some women confuse control

with providing guidance, which is something a man does naturally as well.

have you ever thought that maybe your just an unruly**** that has no regard for the man your with? **** all that independant talk.. you want independance? stay alone.

at the end of the day, people change, evolve and grow. usually, relationships are the mirror so that you can see what needs to change. stop blaming outside forces, and look within yourself, as to why some guys, feel the need to suggest or forcefully say or do things to change you.

on the flipside.

they can also be insecure about you, and all this independence you speak of. actions like paying your bills, etc are good things, nothing wrong with that.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 54
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/23/2012 7:54:52 PM
Some Men are not the only ones controlling too. There's some of ya females as well. Controlling starts with insecurity and Jealousy. Once those movements start, get out fast.

I had a co-worker tell me she admit to being controlling with her husband, and I'm like he's okay with that? and she's like yes but I make sure I hear him out if he doesn't like something. I'm like fair enough, that's fair.

Controlling is bad when people start acting like they want to restrict you from doing something or barking orders at you.
 J_bird61
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 55
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/23/2012 8:18:19 PM
This is what you look for from the start at DATE 1.
1. Does he take a genuine interest in your ideas, beliefs, observations. Does he want to hear them? Does he ask you about any of them?
2. How does he talk about the women in his past relationships? Were they completely nasty? Does he admit to any of the things he might have done wrong?
3. Ask him what's his plan for his life. And sit back and listen. Is he arrogant vs confident. Body language.
 leagueofextraordinarymen
Joined: 4/12/2012
Msg: 57
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/24/2012 7:07:36 AM
Someone I know who is controlling and why their relationships fail.....once this person meets a potential partner.... he/she always isolates them from family and friends and sex only happens when he/she wants it ....
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 58
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/24/2012 8:01:48 AM
I agree that there are various levels of controlling and it's hard to know what you're wanting to avoid without a bit more detail. I know that I am naturally quite a controlling person (i'm a perfectionist, tend to have a polarised view of the world and can overreact emotionally to certain things) however it's something I make a conscious effort to be aware of and often just need a few minutes of space to work things out in my head and calm down. There are definitely people who make that easier and people who make that more difficult.

I'm not saying you should put up with a relationship you don't want to be in, but if the rest is otherwise worthwhile, then look at your reactions and see if there is a pattern to why things escalate. Raise the issue with the person you're dating and see whether improvements on both sides could be made.

On the flip side, I've experienced relationships where the controlling began with small snide comments about the way I looked, my leisure activities, my friends, being too "loud" or Over excitable etc and ended up with being both isolated and constantly aware that in their opinion you're never good enough, and you're right- that is not a healthy relationship. I would never now be with someone who didn't seem to really LIKE me. If they don't like how you dress, how you communicate with people, and won't get along with the people who love you then those would all be warning signs to me.
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 61
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/24/2012 8:58:14 PM
Since you seem to be such a magnet for supposed controlling men perhaps it's you who has issues. Maybe you see problems that don't exist & create tension by assuming it.
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 62
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/24/2012 10:19:08 PM
I agree with other posters that it usually takes some time to figure these types out, it can be very subtle at the start and you don't want to make assumptions or over-react about the person and thats what they play on. I've encountered a few controlling men over the years, it started out with comments meant to belittle and put me in my place, unwanted opinions on how to live my life and how I should handle certain situations, always being wrong if I didn't follow their advice, who I should associate with, isolating behaviour, jealousy was a large one, then the cheating accusations started near the end. I try and trust my gut reaction to people, it usually isn't wrong and I watch how they treat and speak to other people, particularly sales or restaurant staff and how they have dealt with past relationships, really listening to what and how the person communicates can give some clues to their true personalities.
 JSNC7
Joined: 10/31/2010
Msg: 65
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/25/2012 10:33:39 AM
" Fear? are you kidding? I know some people who I would consider 'controlling' but it's clearly stemming from greed, self-centeredness, selfishness, and just plain old 'being an ***hole', it has nothing to do with fear. "

I think that someone who is very controlling has a LOT of fear...fear of losing control. Since they often do not want to work on their own self control, this type often needs to manipulate and position others, as if they were a Show Dog.
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 66
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/25/2012 10:45:22 AM

For me a good indicator is when an adult shows open signs of jealousy, and it is unfounded. IE you gave them no reason to act/feel jealous.


OMG YES!!!!!!!!! I briefly dated a man who knew I am a professional with a schedule that is such, yet he accused me of sleeping with every male client I have.



A man who gets annoyed that you draw other mens eyes by just being yourself...USUALLY has control issues and instead of taking it as a compliment, walk away next time


We would just merely go to Walmart and if we happened to be served by a male employee there, he would automatically accuse me of sleeping with him too.

After about 2 months of that crap, I finally told him to hit the road. - He kept calling and "wanting another chance" but I finally blocked his number and any other means of correspondence.

Haven't heard from him since - Thank God!
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 67
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/25/2012 7:09:11 PM
This is an important topic. There is a BIG difference between, 'show me you're the leader by example' vs 'invalidate me, gaslight me, tell me what to do and try to make me feel small so you can pat your huge ego and feel superior or important'. I WANT to yield to the man, but he does need to show me why I should, since I don't need to be rescued or be dependent on him. I tell people upfront that I can't be controlled, I have to come willingly. I have met my share of CEO's that don't get this very important distinction though. Equally, I want THEM to be self-controlled and self-regulating, not expect me to act like their momma or commander!
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