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Joined: 10/31/2010
Msg: 69
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avoiding controlling menPage 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
"i would ask how can attract the right kind of ppl? nobody had an answer for me ppl who know me personally know i am dominant and will tell you off in a heart beat and won't blink an eye doing it! im with someone who isnt controlling and is super nice thank god! "

You may not like my answer. As I understand it, control is an illusion, unless someone allows you to have it over them, or you refer to self control. I don't see control as strength, because without that control over others, one does not have that interaction of dominance, and submission. Again, this is only my experience, and how I see these dynamics, as they are played out. Others may have different opinions; I don't speak for them.

I have nothing against you, no previous interaction with you, nor do I know you. I have known controlling people who can't stand being alone, because they have no one 's life to run, other than their own. My first hand observations are that it's a fear of not having that control, any longer. In other words, a fear of losing that control. You may find some truth in this that applies to you, or you may not. You could also do some internet research, and come up with your own conclusions.

There have been threads, and some serious contributions about nice guys.

OP, I avoid toxic interactions with controlling types of people, whenever possible.
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 72
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Posted: 4/26/2012 8:54:56 AM
Joined: 7/3/2012
Msg: 73
Joined: 7/17/2007
Msg: 74
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 8/26/2012 7:16:30 AM
There are books you can get in the library or bookstore on this subject, I recommend you read at least one on Domestic Violence. Men or women who feel the need to be controlling are often abusers. Learn about them and yourelf, what attracts you to these types of men and the warning signs.
Joined: 9/5/2010
Msg: 75
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 8/26/2012 10:20:39 AM
You start off saying your outgoing and caring person so right there thats a red flag. Your trying to get the sympathy vote while at the same time play victim. We honestly don't know if you are what you say you are. You say the men have tried to put you down or in your place and have aggressive behavior. Alpha males do this but only because to counterbalance you being controlling or you being arrogant i know this move well. IT'S CALLED KNOCK A WOMAN OFF HER HIGH HORSE BACK DOWN TO EARTH! Again you say your independent but we really don't know. Its my belief that if you are all of these wonderful qualities why are you attracting THESE TYPES OF GUYS??????
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 76
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 8/26/2012 10:59:59 AM
Just don't date controlling men. You can see it right from the beginning. SOmeone who is controlling doesn't stop and wait a few months into knowing someone to start, they're like that from day 1.

You know how lots of women tell men to think with their head and not with their****.. well, the same goes for women.
Joined: 1/25/2012
Msg: 78
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 8/26/2012 1:22:00 PM
It happens to everyone, sweetie, not a way to avoid this. Take faith in that you recognized it and acted on it. I find if I can listen to my body. If somethings wrong, my tummy feels weird. Go with your gut instinct. It doesn't steer you wrong. You're smarter and more together than you realize.
Joined: 12/1/2011
Msg: 80
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 8/26/2012 1:33:46 PM
If you are consistantly in controlling relationships, theen you ARE " Co-Dependant" plain & simple. Co-Dependantcy is the nature of your personality that attract & allows these kinds of people in to your life, wether it is a partner, co-worker, friend, or family member. It always leaves you drained no matter what kind of relationship it is. Best advice I cna give is.......... Get & Read " Co-Dependant No More" by Melanie Beatty..... great book. Great book as it was authored by a normal, un degreed person. No degree in any kind of Psych. at all, written from her own personal life issues, & yet is recopmmended by Psych's. of all levels of college degrees, & specialities.
Also how we percieve ourselves & motivations, are not , in fact hardly ever percieved, the same way by others., including, family, friends, & yes, even spouses. There is a very fine line between say doing things of benevolence out of love, & and the same being percieved as doing things to control. Or being truthful on particular behaviours, or being controlling. Being financially prudent, or being controlling. So much depends on the relationship & shared responsibilities. Are you dependant on some one, or are you interdependant? BIG difference.
HUGE indicator of a controlling person is their language..... are they an "I, me, Mine" person.....
Or are they an "Us, we, Our" person?.......\Inclusive language, or exclusive language..... so much of a persons personality can be gleaned from the words they use... yes vocabulary & kind heart can mean so much, or be construed so out of originale intent or context, to be viewed as controlling. Another indicator , is the person asking you to do certian things, already instituting them in their own life? IE: cutting spending as finances are tight? Does not go out drinking/partying regularly , as a DWI/DUI was cause loss of job & family benefits? And never wants you to be part of the work place festiivities? Have the attitude that my $$$$ is my $$$$, & your $$$$ is "OUR" $$$$? And "OUR" $$$$ still pays all the bills, & family erntertsainment LMAO....Then get pissed when there is not enough of "OUR" $$$$ to say take a weekend to Vegas, go camping, comedy club, dinner out, ect....Gets verbally &/or physcially abusive when confronted on these & so many other issues of personal/falmily/ relationship responsibilities.
Another great book speaking of the heart is " The Five Love Languages", can not remember the author. But we all are different in how we need validation in Love, what works for us, & what does not leave us full filled in a partner. How each of our personalities need validation, acceptence, & love in return from our partner.
I have also learned that 99% of the time the accuser is generally the abuser/cheater, it scars the living chit out of them to even concieve that some one could be doing to them what they are doint to another, so they accuse, demean, get jealous, ect... to try to ensure their own security, all the while doing & full filling their own accusations... the human mind & personna is trueling
any way just my lil .02 cents on the matter....
Joined: 7/10/2012
Msg: 81
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 8/26/2012 1:38:11 PM
Control has to be granted. No man can control a woman who doesn't want to be controlled.

Where do you people get these silly ideas?
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 82
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 8/26/2012 1:44:22 PM
Control has to be granted

Enough said...with few words!
People are drama queens...If a person doesn't like something and there seems to be no resolution...leave!
Joined: 8/27/2010
Msg: 83
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/14/2013 12:26:07 AM
Best answer to this post so far! Thank you so much for the detailed examples I have been dating someone and have gotten more and more suspicious of his behavior, you just confirmed a lot of it and yes I am running for the hills!
The only thing I would add is be warned some of them are very smart and manipulative and can hide it for quiet some time!
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 84
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/14/2013 7:54:19 AM
I don't know, 'controlling' and 'narcissism' are labels that seem to get loosely thrown around and used to describe someone's behavior. Any relationship is going to be give and take, compromise and sacrifice. Perhaps these guys wanted to share schedules and plan activities with you? Would they then be considered 'controlling' because they were 'requesting' your schedule or 'suggesting' things to do?
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 86
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/16/2013 12:24:27 PM
Patricia Evans, author of “Controlling People,” suggests a quick fix on controllers. Just say, “what?” So if someone says what you should do, how you should feel, what you should say, just say, “what?” and see how they respond.

I’ve tried it a couple of times with controllers and they tend to give you reasons why you should do/be/feel what THEY want, or they get mad as they hear themselves being jerks.

Other responses that are effective are, “Huh. That’s interesting.” “I didn’t know you felt that way.” “I’ll think about that.” “That’s an interesting perspective.” Drives ‘em crazy and then they go away all on their own, usually believing that you're difficult! hehe

OP could be right that they’re attracted to her independence and self-sufficiency. That could be a challenge for them. Maybe one thing to watch out for is people who claim to have been superior to their prior mates or who gripe that they’ve always been attached to women that weren’t intelligent enough, were too clingy or needy, mentally ill, or some such thing. It might indicate that they have a tendency to want to change people or that they see themselves as right and superior?
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 87
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/16/2013 3:09:55 PM

femaleconnection wrote:

For me a good indicator is when an adult shows open signs of jealousy, and it is unfounded. IE you gave them no reason to act/feel jealous.

A man who gets annoyed that you draw other mens eyes by just being yourself...USUALLY has control issues and instead of taking it as a compliment, walk away next time.

I couldn't agree more. I've never understood why any man would get his shorts in a knot when the woman he is with draws the eyes and turns the heads of other men. To me, that would be a huge compliment.
Joined: 7/9/2012
Msg: 88
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/23/2013 1:22:46 PM
There is a saying by a very wise man.... that if you want to discover yourself, look through the mirror of relationships. Its entirely possible that you are reacting negatively to the controlling part found in yourself, that is coming out in the form of meeting guys who like to have a degree of control.

Being independant takes a large degree of control over yourself and your interaction with others. Maybe its a sign to give up control with an appropriate person of course lol.

Tell the truth guys.. we make women into what we need, whether or not they know it.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 89
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/24/2013 7:27:49 AM
Any man who approaches me with the idea that he's just going to talk me into going out with him with little regard to whether I'm actually interested is an early sign of that. When I say no thanks and I get "aw, c'mon" or "sure you do" or try to find out why I'm not interested so he can then list a bunch of reasons why I should be, or anything other than serious consideration of my input - that's a sure fire sign of it.

If I do have interest and he's a controller it won't be long before I get some pushback on my schedule, my friends, or other things that take away from his wanting attention and compliance. While I will certainly make room in my life for someone and consider his interests and schedule - someone who's over the top won't want me to do anything that doesn't include or concern him.

I do agree that you can't be controlled unless you allow it. If you do allow it - what on earth for unless you enjoy it?
Joined: 11/4/2012
Msg: 90
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/24/2013 7:54:51 AM
Sometimes controlling behavior is confused for passion, flattery, ardency, being valued, masculinity and decisiveness. The fairy tales we are taught about love are never about the independent woman who thinks for herself. It's usually about fast acting knights in shining armor protecting maidens and love meaning sacrifices and codependence.
Joined: 4/13/2013
Msg: 91
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/24/2013 2:19:11 PM
It seems to me that most women who claim they do not want controlling men are simply women who want to do the controlling in the relationship themselves. Every ship needs a captain and a mate, not too captains.

In my years of post divorce dating I have come to one realization about the women I have dated. They have all been crazy.
Joined: 7/9/2012
Msg: 92
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/24/2013 5:45:08 PM
Like2dance got it..

Some women want to be the boss... mainly because they havent met a man, that made them feel second, and were able to accept it. There cant be two captain, and the man is captain by default...
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 93
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/24/2013 7:12:11 PM
People who put you down are belittling you. This is emotional abuse that only gets worse. Emotional abuse hurts your self esteem and often escalates into physical abuse.

Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 94
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/24/2013 7:13:11 PM
yup some females want to be the boss and they will fight a man to prove that they are a boss. Like a lot of posters said Control is when you allow it. My gf and I got into a discussion about control and and always being in control has to do with some trust issues. We both notice that we love being in control and sometimes we need to back off being in control all the time and just trust in each other.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 95
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/25/2013 12:03:58 PM

It seems to me that most women who claim they do not want controlling men are simply women who want to do the controlling in the relationship themselves. Every ship needs a captain and a mate, not too captains.

We're not fishing for lobster to make the rent - these are relationships. It's possible for both to form a team and take equal parts in the relationship and navigate together. One does not necessarily have to be in charge of everything. Sure there are times when one or the other is leading the way, but one taking the roll of "boss" all the time is kind of an outdated concept (but it served it's societal purpose for the era it was practiced in).

the man is captain by default.

How so? Unless the woman wants him to be and he's OK with doing everything there is no rule that says this is the dynamic. He's free to be captain of his life and his side of the relationship - and he should be, as should she about her side. That's about it.
Joined: 5/12/2010
Msg: 96
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/25/2013 1:58:56 PM
^Sounds like a wannabe-dom thing to say: "the man is captain by default". The rest of the profile supports that. Some guys get it into their head that taking a dominant role means swinging their penises around while insulting women and hoping to get the attention of naive young ladies who think this could ever lead to a healthy relationship. Some will grow out of it, some won't. A man does not "take the lead", he is given it by his partner - if she chooses, according to how much trust and commitment is involved in the relationship. And many times it is the woman who is the leader. Or the power balance is more or less equal. There is no one right way to conduct a relationship, just whatever works for that couple.
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 97
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/25/2013 2:45:52 PM

A man does not "take the lead", he is given it by his partner

Yes leadership as a husband is given by her, because she wants him to lead. Not just any man that just runs up and starts telling her what to do. And Leadership roll starts off by being the servant. Meeting the needs of your mate. Being the Head does not mean master as in a master-slave relationship, nor does it mean a relationship like a general to a private in the army. It is more like a partnership where one is the leader, guide, director. Now consider this. Can you think of any decision that a husband should make WITHOUT consulting or considering his wife and her wishes? I cannot!
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 98
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/25/2013 7:31:33 PM
^^^How did this turn into a marriage thing? And since one wouldn't (shouldn't?) do anything that affects the relationship without consulting their partner - why does one have to be the "leader, guide, director"? Essentially both are in it, so it's in their best interest to do their share to make it work.
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