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 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 62
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avoiding controlling menPage 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I agree with other posters that it usually takes some time to figure these types out, it can be very subtle at the start and you don't want to make assumptions or over-react about the person and thats what they play on. I've encountered a few controlling men over the years, it started out with comments meant to belittle and put me in my place, unwanted opinions on how to live my life and how I should handle certain situations, always being wrong if I didn't follow their advice, who I should associate with, isolating behaviour, jealousy was a large one, then the cheating accusations started near the end. I try and trust my gut reaction to people, it usually isn't wrong and I watch how they treat and speak to other people, particularly sales or restaurant staff and how they have dealt with past relationships, really listening to what and how the person communicates can give some clues to their true personalities.
 yawning1
Joined: 3/22/2012
Msg: 63
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/25/2012 8:26:16 AM
Absolutely true. Last year I had to end a relationship with a woman because she "thought" she was going to tell me what "my" priorities were.....and now she's gone. Oh well, on to the next one.
 yawning1
Joined: 3/22/2012
Msg: 64
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/25/2012 8:29:14 AM
Fear? are you kidding? I know some people who I would consider 'controlling' but it's clearly stemming from greed, self-centeredness, selfishness, and just plain old 'being an ***hole', it has nothing to do with fear.
 JSNC7
Joined: 10/31/2010
Msg: 65
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/25/2012 10:33:39 AM
" Fear? are you kidding? I know some people who I would consider 'controlling' but it's clearly stemming from greed, self-centeredness, selfishness, and just plain old 'being an ***hole', it has nothing to do with fear. "

I think that someone who is very controlling has a LOT of fear...fear of losing control. Since they often do not want to work on their own self control, this type often needs to manipulate and position others, as if they were a Show Dog.
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 66
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/25/2012 10:45:22 AM

For me a good indicator is when an adult shows open signs of jealousy, and it is unfounded. IE you gave them no reason to act/feel jealous.


OMG YES!!!!!!!!! I briefly dated a man who knew I am a professional with a schedule that is such, yet he accused me of sleeping with every male client I have.



A man who gets annoyed that you draw other mens eyes by just being yourself...USUALLY has control issues and instead of taking it as a compliment, walk away next time


We would just merely go to Walmart and if we happened to be served by a male employee there, he would automatically accuse me of sleeping with him too.

After about 2 months of that crap, I finally told him to hit the road. - He kept calling and "wanting another chance" but I finally blocked his number and any other means of correspondence.

Haven't heard from him since - Thank God!
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 67
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/25/2012 7:09:11 PM
This is an important topic. There is a BIG difference between, 'show me you're the leader by example' vs 'invalidate me, gaslight me, tell me what to do and try to make me feel small so you can pat your huge ego and feel superior or important'. I WANT to yield to the man, but he does need to show me why I should, since I don't need to be rescued or be dependent on him. I tell people upfront that I can't be controlled, I have to come willingly. I have met my share of CEO's that don't get this very important distinction though. Equally, I want THEM to be self-controlled and self-regulating, not expect me to act like their momma or commander!
 blueceleste
Joined: 6/2/2005
Msg: 68
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/25/2012 10:28:26 PM
to the poster, i used to ask myself this all the time. i have a dominant personality and have the "im the boss mentality." in my old ads/profiles, it attracted tons of controlling fools which i found out were controlling later on. im the type of person who doesnt want no bs, just str8 forward, honest, and opinionated - kinda runs in my family. i hated meeting controlling ppl it never works out they always threaten to kill or rape when they didnt get their way as well. they had all kinds of issues yet criticized me for having issues like wtf?!?

i would ask how can attract the right kind of ppl? nobody had an answer for me ppl who know me personally know i am dominant and will tell you off in a heart beat and won't blink an eye doing it! im with someone who isnt controlling and is super nice thank god!
 JSNC7
Joined: 10/31/2010
Msg: 69
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/26/2012 12:28:21 AM
"i would ask how can attract the right kind of ppl? nobody had an answer for me ppl who know me personally know i am dominant and will tell you off in a heart beat and won't blink an eye doing it! im with someone who isnt controlling and is super nice thank god! "

You may not like my answer. As I understand it, control is an illusion, unless someone allows you to have it over them, or you refer to self control. I don't see control as strength, because without that control over others, one does not have that interaction of dominance, and submission. Again, this is only my experience, and how I see these dynamics, as they are played out. Others may have different opinions; I don't speak for them.

I have nothing against you, no previous interaction with you, nor do I know you. I have known controlling people who can't stand being alone, because they have no one 's life to run, other than their own. My first hand observations are that it's a fear of not having that control, any longer. In other words, a fear of losing that control. You may find some truth in this that applies to you, or you may not. You could also do some internet research, and come up with your own conclusions.

There have been threads, and some serious contributions about nice guys.

OP, I avoid toxic interactions with controlling types of people, whenever possible.
 Drew4u59
Joined: 4/22/2012
Msg: 70
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/26/2012 8:27:01 AM
a PERSONS reality is in there own mind /fantasy... most things happen for a reason and if one isnt humble enough to see the potential opportunity to learn and fine tune ones personality, quirks, self righteousness etc etc then karma will just drag you back through it all until one learns what one needs... Im just saying lol
 Drew4u59
Joined: 4/22/2012
Msg: 71
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/26/2012 8:27:10 AM
a PERSONS reality is in there own mind /fantasy... most things happen for a reason and if one isnt humble enough to see the potential opportunity to learn and fine tune ones personality, quirks, self righteousness etc etc then karma will just drag you back through it all until one learns what one needs... Im just saying lol
 ANTHETITIC
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 72
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avoiding controlling men(A MALE'S PERSPECTIVE FROM DEALING WITH WANT TO BE CONTROLLING FEMALES)
Posted: 4/26/2012 8:54:56 AM
I AM A MALE AND DEAL WITH THE SAME THING WHEN IT COMES TO WOMEN, THERE ARE ALWAYS CLUES, IF YOU ARE WATCHING FOR THEM. A PERSON THAT WANT'S TO BE WITH YOU CONSTANTLY AND DOESN'T HAVE A LIFE AND FRIENDS OUTSIDE OF YOU CAN BE A BIG SIGN. ANOTHER SIGN IS SOMEONE THAT HAS ALOT OF FREE TIME ON THEIR HANDS, IF THEY CALL YOU, YOU GET OFF THE PHONE WITH THEM & THEN THEY ARE CALLING YOU BACK BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T RETURNED THEIR CALL. IF THE PERSON IS PERFECT IN THE BEGINNING, LMAO, EXPECT THE TRUE HELL TO COME DOWN THE ROAD LATER ON.
 ChocoMamicita123
Joined: 7/3/2012
Msg: 73
 sunshine32153
Joined: 7/17/2007
Msg: 74
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 8/26/2012 7:16:30 AM
There are books you can get in the library or bookstore on this subject, I recommend you read at least one on Domestic Violence. Men or women who feel the need to be controlling are often abusers. Learn about them and yourelf, what attracts you to these types of men and the warning signs.
 DarthPhoenix
Joined: 9/5/2010
Msg: 75
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 8/26/2012 10:20:39 AM
You start off saying your outgoing and caring person so right there thats a red flag. Your trying to get the sympathy vote while at the same time play victim. We honestly don't know if you are what you say you are. You say the men have tried to put you down or in your place and have aggressive behavior. Alpha males do this but only because to counterbalance you being controlling or you being arrogant i know this move well. IT'S CALLED KNOCK A WOMAN OFF HER HIGH HORSE BACK DOWN TO EARTH! Again you say your independent but we really don't know. Its my belief that if you are all of these wonderful qualities why are you attracting THESE TYPES OF GUYS??????
 im_a_rockstar
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 76
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 8/26/2012 10:59:59 AM
Just don't date controlling men. You can see it right from the beginning. SOmeone who is controlling doesn't stop and wait a few months into knowing someone to start, they're like that from day 1.

You know how lots of women tell men to think with their head and not with their****.. well, the same goes for women.
 Jntmt
Joined: 2/4/2012
Msg: 77
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 8/26/2012 12:42:44 PM
totally agree with you i was in a relationship where just that happened and frequently this man even had the nerve to tell me he thought i was having an affair with my cousin because we were close and visited when he was in town (hes a truck driver) big red flag ladies and gents.... move on quickly lol
 valerie555
Joined: 1/25/2012
Msg: 78
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 8/26/2012 1:22:00 PM
It happens to everyone, sweetie, not a way to avoid this. Take faith in that you recognized it and acted on it. I find if I can listen to my body. If somethings wrong, my tummy feels weird. Go with your gut instinct. It doesn't steer you wrong. You're smarter and more together than you realize.
 MrOogam
Joined: 12/1/2011
Msg: 80
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 8/26/2012 1:33:46 PM
If you are consistantly in controlling relationships, theen you ARE " Co-Dependant" plain & simple. Co-Dependantcy is the nature of your personality that attract & allows these kinds of people in to your life, wether it is a partner, co-worker, friend, or family member. It always leaves you drained no matter what kind of relationship it is. Best advice I cna give is.......... Get & Read " Co-Dependant No More" by Melanie Beatty..... great book. Great book as it was authored by a normal, un degreed person. No degree in any kind of Psych. at all, written from her own personal life issues, & yet is recopmmended by Psych's. of all levels of college degrees, & specialities.
Also how we percieve ourselves & motivations, are not , in fact hardly ever percieved, the same way by others., including, family, friends, & yes, even spouses. There is a very fine line between say doing things of benevolence out of love, & and the same being percieved as doing things to control. Or being truthful on particular behaviours, or being controlling. Being financially prudent, or being controlling. So much depends on the relationship & shared responsibilities. Are you dependant on some one, or are you interdependant? BIG difference.
HUGE indicator of a controlling person is their language..... are they an "I, me, Mine" person.....
Or are they an "Us, we, Our" person?.......\Inclusive language, or exclusive language..... so much of a persons personality can be gleaned from the words they use... yes vocabulary & kind heart can mean so much, or be construed so out of originale intent or context, to be viewed as controlling. Another indicator , is the person asking you to do certian things, already instituting them in their own life? IE: cutting spending as finances are tight? Does not go out drinking/partying regularly , as a DWI/DUI was cause loss of job & family benefits? And never wants you to be part of the work place festiivities? Have the attitude that my $$$$ is my $$$$, & your $$$$ is "OUR" $$$$? And "OUR" $$$$ still pays all the bills, & family erntertsainment LMAO....Then get pissed when there is not enough of "OUR" $$$$ to say take a weekend to Vegas, go camping, comedy club, dinner out, ect....Gets verbally &/or physcially abusive when confronted on these & so many other issues of personal/falmily/ relationship responsibilities.
Another great book speaking of the heart is " The Five Love Languages", can not remember the author. But we all are different in how we need validation in Love, what works for us, & what does not leave us full filled in a partner. How each of our personalities need validation, acceptence, & love in return from our partner.
I have also learned that 99% of the time the accuser is generally the abuser/cheater, it scars the living chit out of them to even concieve that some one could be doing to them what they are doint to another, so they accuse, demean, get jealous, ect... to try to ensure their own security, all the while doing & full filling their own accusations... the human mind & personna is trueling amazing...lol
any way just my lil .02 cents on the matter....
 SaintLouisMichael
Joined: 7/10/2012
Msg: 81
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 8/26/2012 1:38:11 PM
Control has to be granted. No man can control a woman who doesn't want to be controlled.

Where do you people get these silly ideas?
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 82
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 8/26/2012 1:44:22 PM
SaintLouisMichael
Control has to be granted

Enough said...with few words!
People are drama queens...If a person doesn't like something and there seems to be no resolution...leave!
 isa92314
Joined: 8/27/2010
Msg: 83
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/14/2013 12:26:07 AM
Best answer to this post so far! Thank you so much for the detailed examples I have been dating someone and have gotten more and more suspicious of his behavior, you just confirmed a lot of it and yes I am running for the hills!
The only thing I would add is be warned some of them are very smart and manipulative and can hide it for quiet some time!
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 84
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/14/2013 7:54:19 AM
I don't know, 'controlling' and 'narcissism' are labels that seem to get loosely thrown around and used to describe someone's behavior. Any relationship is going to be give and take, compromise and sacrifice. Perhaps these guys wanted to share schedules and plan activities with you? Would they then be considered 'controlling' because they were 'requesting' your schedule or 'suggesting' things to do?
 sunnydaysss
Joined: 8/26/2013
Msg: 85
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/14/2013 7:56:48 AM
Hi there OP...Well they usually tell you what you think or feel and not ask you...if you say no that is not true they carry on anyway...rill you withdraw and talk to someone that does two way conversations.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 86
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/16/2013 12:24:27 PM
Patricia Evans, author of “Controlling People,” suggests a quick fix on controllers. Just say, “what?” So if someone says what you should do, how you should feel, what you should say, just say, “what?” and see how they respond.

I’ve tried it a couple of times with controllers and they tend to give you reasons why you should do/be/feel what THEY want, or they get mad as they hear themselves being jerks.

Other responses that are effective are, “Huh. That’s interesting.” “I didn’t know you felt that way.” “I’ll think about that.” “That’s an interesting perspective.” Drives ‘em crazy and then they go away all on their own, usually believing that you're difficult! hehe

OP could be right that they’re attracted to her independence and self-sufficiency. That could be a challenge for them. Maybe one thing to watch out for is people who claim to have been superior to their prior mates or who gripe that they’ve always been attached to women that weren’t intelligent enough, were too clingy or needy, mentally ill, or some such thing. It might indicate that they have a tendency to want to change people or that they see themselves as right and superior?
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 87
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/16/2013 3:09:55 PM

femaleconnection wrote:

For me a good indicator is when an adult shows open signs of jealousy, and it is unfounded. IE you gave them no reason to act/feel jealous.

A man who gets annoyed that you draw other mens eyes by just being yourself...USUALLY has control issues and instead of taking it as a compliment, walk away next time.


I couldn't agree more. I've never understood why any man would get his shorts in a knot when the woman he is with draws the eyes and turns the heads of other men. To me, that would be a huge compliment.
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