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 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 97
avoiding controlling menPage 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

A man does not "take the lead", he is given it by his partner

-------------------------------
Yes leadership as a husband is given by her, because she wants him to lead. Not just any man that just runs up and starts telling her what to do. And Leadership roll starts off by being the servant. Meeting the needs of your mate. Being the Head does not mean master as in a master-slave relationship, nor does it mean a relationship like a general to a private in the army. It is more like a partnership where one is the leader, guide, director. Now consider this. Can you think of any decision that a husband should make WITHOUT consulting or considering his wife and her wishes? I cannot!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 98
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/25/2013 7:31:33 PM
^^^How did this turn into a marriage thing? And since one wouldn't (shouldn't?) do anything that affects the relationship without consulting their partner - why does one have to be the "leader, guide, director"? Essentially both are in it, so it's in their best interest to do their share to make it work.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 99
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/26/2013 7:25:06 AM
In my years of post divorce dating I have come to one realization about the women I have dated. They have all been crazy.

Has it crossed your mind, that the common denominator here is YOU?
Cindy O
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 100
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/26/2013 7:37:54 AM
Just to add to the mix, how many times do we read the whining from some women that a lot of men DON'T take "control" of the situation(dating)????

One of the reasons I do raise an eyebrow when I read about the "strong and independent" proclamation in some profiles here in these waters is because, I honestly don't believe some of you ladies have got it all figure out just yet. I've always thought "relationships"(including dating) is a "partnership", which is one of the reasons I don't show a whole lot of "controlling" initially in the early times of dating. Many women find this as a sign of disinterest. But, here, we have a few pages about guys being "too" controlling??????

One day I may figure it all out but, I highly doubt it.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 101
view profile
History
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/26/2013 8:46:12 AM
Controlling is one of these loaded words.

Most people are somewhere along a continuum of personality. If a woman has been involved beyond a couple of dates with more that one 'controlling' individual, or a man with more than one witch from Hell, then the wrong end of the telescope is being looked through. The issue is more the lack of social awareness and skills of the complainer.

These type of broad questions are really about 'I had a crappy relationship, feel bad and it was 'his' (or her) fault and I want to be validated.' Then there is a pile-on-fest of seemingly hard done people with anecdotal whining. The 'it was them and not me' analysis just sets up the next relationship to fail.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 102
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/26/2013 9:50:50 AM
op1: So my question is what are the warning signs to look out for…


also op1: ‘…became controlling, trying to put me down or in my place, and aggressive behaviour.

I think those are excellent warning signs, op. They're not always plainly apparent on first meeting but often there are clues.


…or how do I attract someone that's not like this?

You could contemplate the opposite of those traits… not manipulating others, allowing them space and freedom, appreciating and affirming their good qualities, communicating in a non-violent manner…

…then notice those traits in others and cultivate them within yourself.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 103
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/26/2013 10:36:48 AM
There are controlling men and women all over the place. Seriously, who cares? The reason I say who cares is because this can all be avoided by who each one of us to begin with, what we accept to begin with. Usually, this "controlling trait" is already in an individual and if that is the case, guess what, you may as well blame yourself for allowing yourself to get in that relationship. So many people gloss over things that need to be seen, signs that show red flags etc. So, when I hear the thing about being controlled by someone, sorry but you should never have been in that position to begin with.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 104
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/26/2013 1:19:43 PM
Just to add to the mix, how many times do we read the whining from some women that a lot of men DON'T take "control" of the situation(dating)????
--------------------------------
Walts,
You nailed that on point. I hate the complaining from some women that get resentful when the man does not take control and start questioning him manhood and complaining about or them females feel that they can do a better job themselves. If you want the man to take the lead, Trust him and let him lead, Let the man be a man. Don't complain
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 105
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/26/2013 8:58:02 PM
^ One difference is…

In one scenario (op’s), a man has apparently controlled his partner through manipulation, perhaps chronically so because he has a controlling personality. In the other a man takes charge of a given situation (in bed, or arranging an outing let’s say) for a period of time, in a way that serves his partner’s needs. And he’s willing to relinquish control or share control as it benefits the relationship.

Neither behavior is restricted to one gender or the other, though the second is traditionally male. Belittling his manhood because he hasn’t taken charge fits in the former category – controlling a partner through emotional manipulation. Alas, telling her she can’t complain might also come cross as a bit controlling. She has a right to speak, even if she hasn’t found the most respectful manner of doing so.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 106
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/26/2013 9:06:44 PM
There's a thin line between independence and arrogance. People can have their opinions, but that doesn't mean it's OK to be a Diva or a Prick about it. Some people see reacting passive as permission to take control - an endorsement to let the Prick out. It's not. It's an avoidance maneuver. Being too passive or too decisive doesn't provide balance to a relationship - it makes it worse. Geez, there is SO many aspects of a relationship that require some shared input - everything from how you fold your laundry to leaving the toilet seat down - and not saying anything is pretty much equally as poor of a choice as not listening to anyone else.

An arrogant person will toss a stick of dynamite into an outhouse to get it clean. A passive person will let them do it. When it explodes, it doesn't matter who was wrong or right - they're both covered in sh1t. If they had worked together they both might have had to get their hands dirty, but they could've cleaned the outhouse without creating a sh1tstorm.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 107
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 12/30/2013 2:40:25 PM
soulsmilin- Controlling types are also excellent liars and deceivers.
Try not to beat yourself up too much, what matters is that you leave when you recognize it and don't look back.
There aren't always signs, but sometimes there are, some things to look for:
Moving too fast-One date and you are the best thing that happened since sliced bread, they want all your spare time and call/ text a lot because they care just oh so much.
Rude/dismissive behavior- they are short with others and treat people in public service jobs like dirt (pay attention on dinner dates how they talk to waiters/waitresses).
Self centered- No one is as "me centered" as a control freak. Everything is about them. They expect you to listen to them and be there, but when you need them to do the same, they bail.
I hope that helps. Better luck in the future.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 111
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 1/11/2014 7:47:08 AM
I have hit this quite a lot as well, and so far there has not been anything that has helped me to avoid this altogether, but I have learned to pull the plug a lot faster if I voice my appreciation of their wanting to take charge but asking for their respect and consideration of the fact I might actually want a voice in what we do as well.. if they aren't receptive to that I bail immediately.

I know not everyone is like that, so I try and keep an open mind while keeping clear boundaries.

If you do find a way to avoid altogether, let me know :)
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 112
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 1/12/2014 1:53:29 PM
this is pretty simple. for every control freak, there is someone who is willing to be controlled, and whatever you say while you're complaining about it but tolerating this kind of behavior is without substance or conviction and therefore unbelievable, most of all to the person you're blaming for whatever crap you're willing to accept. these things don't happen in a vacuum.

i'd tell him to get the fuk out and don't come back or i'll send the dingo after him, and that would have to be the end of it. how easy is that?

it blows my mind what some people will put up with while blaming someone else for treating them like sheep while they stumble around passively bleating for better treatment.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 113
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 1/12/2014 2:00:00 PM
You avoid a controlling man or woman by knowing who you are yourself first. Then you aren't in those situations. You attract what you attract, no one else can control you.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 114
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 1/21/2014 4:40:44 PM
There are two types of men that come across as controlling. One is full of bravado and a Napoleonic personality. Deep inside they hide their insecurities by having control of everything. Then there are the Alpha type of men. It's not so much that they are controlling, but that they lead. There's also an overlap between the two.

So if you like guys that are outgoing in control of their own life. Go getters that make things happen, realize that they do things in a particular way, have a very low tolerance for excuses and are very driven.

Women love this type of men.

So should you stay away from them? Not really. Unless you want a boring guy that cater to every whimp you have, and yeses you to death.

So what you may want is a guy that gets things done, but also understands and appreciates compassion, that nobody is perfect, that every problem has a solution, but rather than dictate it to you, chastise you when you did not do as he said, you were willing to do it and yes, fail. And he had the balls to also give you enough room to do it and learn.

So if you are fiercely independent, find a challenging man, and equal man.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 115
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 1/22/2014 8:43:02 AM

soulsmilin- Controlling types are also excellent liars and deceivers.
Try not to beat yourself up too much, what matters is that you leave when you recognize it and don't look back.
There aren't always signs, but sometimes there are, some things to look for:
Moving too fast-One date and you are the best thing that happened since sliced bread, they want all your spare time and call/ text a lot because they care just oh so much.
Rude/dismissive behavior- they are short with others and treat people in public service jobs like dirt (pay attention on dinner dates how they talk to waiters/waitresses).
Self centered- No one is as "me centered" as a control freak. Everything is about them. They expect you to listen to them and be there, but when you need them to do the same, they bail.
I hope that helps. Better luck in the future.


This is really good.

One thing I’ve seen is that the bad eggs- men or women- don’t react well to disagreement or differences of opinion, even on general topics of conversation. They get a sour face or bristle if you disagree or have a different perspective, or they actually argue with you if you have a different your opinion. They're emotionally brittle. Whereas the good eggs are interested in how the two of you are different and are curious and conversational, not oppositional or combative.

The trick is not attaching too quickly and overlooking the signs because he seems to have enough “other” positive traits. I've made that mistake, and it is really just desperation and being willing to compromise yourself. Gotta stop that quickly if you start doing it.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 116
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 1/23/2014 10:53:00 AM
1)if women really wanted to be lead by men, more men would be getting laid as a result of their "hinting around". Women only enjoy being lead to where they wanted to go in the first place.

2)if you don't like being controlled, you'll avoid controllers, just as if you truly believe failing to be punctual is a personal reflection of disrespect, you'll spot latecomers from a mile off, and refuse to have them in your life. but if coming late to an event doesn't annoy you (except when it makes you late for something) b/c you're already at the event and not waiting on them to show up with the food...then their procrastination is something you can live with.

if you aren't firm about what you want to do or get, then someone who leads doesn't automatically make you think they are a controller...until they take the lead too often.
 NDTfan
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 117
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 1/23/2014 4:51:12 PM
The one way I've been able to spot them is when they don't take an answer for an answer.... or when they start saying that you're being "controlling" or "passive-aggressive" when you don't give in. It's gotten so "Are you sure?" turns my stomach. Of course I'm sure, that's why I say what I say.

I make decisions for me, and it's up to my partner whether or not he wants to play along. If I don't want to do something, I just won't.

For instance, my ex's mother absolutely despised me and he wanted us to commit to a family meal at her house every single Sunday. I told him that I wouldn't attend but if he wanted to (and take our daughter) then I had no problem with it. He considered that controlling, manipulative behavior designed to make him look bad.... simply because I didn't want to commit to 3-4 hours a week in the same room with someone making digs at me constantly.

Eventually it got to the point where he turned everything into a power struggle, getting more and more desperate as I refused to give in. A simple "I'm going to go take a bath now" resulted in a fight because he would flip out because he had planned a "surprise movie night".

When he finally crossed the line, I told him that I wouldn't put up with it and that I would walk if he did it again. He did, I walked and then I was "controlling" because I didn't allow "him" to make the decision to end our relationship.

He still hasn't given up... even to the point of asking a family court judge to order me to stay at home at all times in case he wanted to drop by to get the kids, or to make sure I'd be there if he wanted to drop them off early. The real intent behind it was to make sure that I had no life of my own, independent of him. If I was to do anything, it was because he "allowed" it. He even openly admitted in court that he would never 'let" me rest.

I didn't try to control anything but my own life, and if he takes issue with you making decisions for yourself then dump him. That's how I avoid them now.
 NDTfan
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 118
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 1/23/2014 5:41:25 PM
^^^

Why would I do that when it's not the topic of the thread?

Although if a fat, short, unemployed man is hitting on 20 year old models because he's trying to control them he has even less of a chance.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 119
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 1/23/2014 7:14:11 PM
^^^^^ lmao

2 of those variables can change (fat, unemployed), then the 3rd (short)....I heard today that there is a method of breaking your bones and making you grow, it's expensive and done in questionable places.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 120
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 1/24/2014 10:07:40 AM
Aanarchist,

Yes, questionable places, like not an approved clinic, hospital, etc. Places that are clandestine.

If you break your wang, you break your wang, lol. It doesn't have a bone, so you can't apply the same method to the wang, sorry.

Yes, that's what I'm talking about, breaking it and then putting it close together. I don't recommend you do this on your own, you don't want to end up with bones out of place or overgrown. Look into and and find out.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 121
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 1/24/2014 10:51:34 AM
Well, at one time it was not uncommon to treat horses with tendon injuries(in their legs) by "firing"(cautery) and it was held that the healing process from the cautery made the tendons stronger.

I don't know as I 'd recommend pin firing for a wang, but hey, maybe somebody will give it a try and let us know?
Cindy O
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 122
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 1/24/2014 11:20:03 AM
1)should you break your Wang, call tech support. or better yet, buy a newer computer.

2)yes, there is a process for the height-challenged, where the leg bones are broken, the legs are pinned in an extended way, and new bone material grows into the gap. When my broken leg didn't heal straight (as seen on the Xray) after the first few days, my bone doc resnapped it and realigned it (and made fun of me changing colors while he did it the **stard), so I got to hear about the process (likely as a distraction) before hearing about it on CSI Vegas.

I can't imagine going thru that, but then I haven't walked a mile in a midget's shoes, either. I wouldn't recommend it, work w/ what you were born with. go watch a Sean Stephenson video.

3)sometimes, you have to deal w/ your first controlling person, to recognize their behavior. After that, yep, you can spot them right from the start. even the ones who hide behind charm, you can still see the itch they got to get you under their thumb so they can feel sooo much better about their patheticness.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 123
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 1/24/2014 12:24:45 PM

I heard today that there is a method of breaking your bones and making you grow, it's expensive and done in questionable places.


From an online story about the procedure...

It involves breaking the leg bone in two and implanting a "telescopic rod" in the middle of the broken bones. The rod pulls the bone apart very slowly at a rate of about 1 millimeter a day. As the rod is pulled apart, new bones and tissue such as nerves, arteries and skin regenerate.
The procedure is expensive at about $85,000, also very lengthy. It takes about three months to complete the procedure. It also requires very physically demanding and painful therapy.


From another online article... from the American Society of Plastic Surgeons

The average cost of breast augmentation surgery is $3,543. That is the national average surgeon/physician fee according to 2012 statistics from ASPS.... Breast augmentation recovery includes a post-surgical recovery period of 24 to 48 hours and an additional reduced-activity period of a few days. You will likely experience soreness and swelling for a few weeks.


Kind of puts that procedure in a different perspective, huh?
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 124
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 1/24/2014 12:52:54 PM
lol, I see what you did there....but

If something is seriously cramping your style, so to speak, and that something has a solution.....why not?

I heard about it today, from someone who is 4'11, and she was the one who told me she was curious about the procedure. I don't really know what her gripe is with her height.

vvvvv
That's what I'm saying, if something bothers you enough and there is a solution to it, do it.

The day that I cannot take it anymore, I will reduce my breasts and my a$$. That's my main motivation for getting into the gym nowadays, but it turns out, the more I work out, the more pronounced these features get. I'm gonna see what I look like with 50 pounds less, if there is no reduction in these areas, I'm going in for surgery. I mean, what the heck am I going to wear if these proportions persists and I get 50 pounds lighter?
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