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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Apparently, I'm psycho      Home login  
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 colez316
Joined: 7/22/2011
Msg: 29
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Apparently, I'm psychoPage 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Only a psychiatrist can determined. Repeating the same behavior over and over, and expecting a different result is insanity.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 30
Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/28/2011 8:13:59 PM
I'm gonna posit an overly dramatic story here, but just imagine... (presuming here his parents are alive and live close):

Lets say 4:30pm (almost end of his workday?), his elderly mom calls him up asking if he could stop by, his dad is trying to move some heavy thing all by himself and is being stubborn (y'know how us guys can be ) and refusing to call him for help, so she called. He figures it'll be quick, stops over to help... within a few minutes of him getting there his dad starts having a heart attack.

Now, thinking quick he yells to his mom to get an aspirin (could be a good idea), grabs his cell phone and dials 9-1-1, probably fairly frantically, for help, and puts his cell phone down next to his dad - they're sending an ambulance, his mom is frantic, his dad is having a heart attack, you could perhaps imagine that calling *you* is probably not on the top of his mind at that moment, right?

Ambulance shows up, his mom goes in the ambulance w/ dad, and he follows in his car... forgetting his cell phone on the floor where his dad was having the heart attack. As they're wheeling dad into the emergency room, he goes into cardiac arrest, they're rushing to break out the paddles to try to revive him, things are happening 90mph, his mom is in tears, as well as probably his emotions... still, you can maybe imagine calling you isn't top of his list just then?

A couple of hours goes by, its now 11pm, the doctor comes out to say his father died (I said overly dramatic)... both him and his mom are devastated, crying, after a while to process it somewhat, the hospital says they should go home and rest (no point in rushing to do paperwork)... he drives his mom home, shaking, emotionally drained. When he gets there he sees his cell phone there, and picks it up...

You tell me, do you really think he would want to see nasty ugly accusatory messages sitting on his phone? "You didn't call me, you're a jerk, a**hole, you need to call at least once a day for me, me, me, me, me..." (repeating that for effect - get the picture?). How would that make *you* feel if the roles were reversed? He knows if he calls you're going to immediately push his buttons and start in on him... and then, when he finally stops you "going off" and explains, possibly crying - how would you feel about yourself then? If you were him, in that circumstance, would you want to call them?

Now take a different tact - what if instead you had messaged him with "Didn't hear from you tonight, is everything ok? Miss you." Think he'd be more apt to call back? He explains what happened, you listening first instead of accusing first you realize what he's been through, are there for him (because he probably needs you then emotionally) - wouldn't you feel better about yourself than having left accusatory/blaming/"me, me, me" messages for him and 'launching into him' on the phone before hearing what happened?

I dunno about you, but I can tell you in most circumstances I certainly would prefer the latter. Mind you, yeah, as I said - being "overly dramatic" here, but trying to make a point - when you launch off on an 'argument/accusations' before hearing the other side of things, you're forcing him to be responsible for your fears, its all about *you* ("me, me, me, what *I* want, what *I* need) - not only is he now explaining why he didn't call, he's on the defensive immediately - whereas if you kept it simple and non-accusatory and he called, ok, maybe after he explains you don't think its a good 'excuse' and you can argue it, now knowing his 'side', but you've gotten the 'reason' first without launching into your own (perhaps unfounded) "fears".

If you keep letting your fears run your life, you stand a good chance of driving away just about anyone over time. You're making *him* responsible for *your* fears, when they aren't his responsibility they're yours (arguably, if someone loves you they *try* to not do things you fear - but we are all only human, nobody is ever perfect).
 BountyHunterMike
Joined: 10/5/2011
Msg: 31
Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/28/2011 8:17:21 PM
I would drop you off at the next block....why would i do such a thing??? Im glad your going to therapy...but your being SO selfish and seeking such attention that your letting your feeling rule your life. i wonder how long will it be before you hurt someone or yourself.

You should not be in a relationship....take sometime for your self...and go get well
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 32
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Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/28/2011 8:27:17 PM
Wow, okay, I have to say I'm more like your boyfriend but I would have broken up with you long ago. That would drive me insane!
 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 33
Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/28/2011 8:50:22 PM
no..you're just needy and insecure..probably due to the abandonment issue...stay in therapy...its a good thing.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 34
Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/28/2011 9:14:42 PM
I have abandonment issues as well, but in my case I make sure my life won't change whether someone stays or not, so that what they do doesn't matter. If I can't continue without missing a beat when you're gone - I'll likely not stay. I'm better at it but when I was younger I was convinced all my boyfriends would leave so I tried to get them to leave sooner by testing them - not to see if they cared, but to see how much I could speed up what I thought was inevitable.

Yes, I finally realized that my actions were making them leave - seems so obvious now, but hey, I was young. Now I try a different tactic. If I really like a guy and don't want him to go, I prepare him so that he knows what's going on when I have my moments. That makes a world of difference for a guy to see it coming, know what's causing it and what to do.

We all do what we need to with stuff like this. Being in therapy is good. What you need to do as well is re-learn to react.

What I mean is you have to recognize the trigger, feel the feeling, and then consciously do something different. Stay in your head at times like this and before you do anything - stop and think about it and try to make sense of it.

One more good thing to do is to really put yourself in their shoes and try to imagine what it's like dealing with you. That one's not easy but it will slap you in the face. Film yourself when you're pissed off and play it back to help understand. Be hard on yourself and get all the way in so you can really see yourself without blinders.

I was never a screamer or one to throw things but I was a runner - when I felt something was happening to me I couldn't control I would stop and leave wherever I was and want to be alone, and I'd sneak off so that no one could follow me and corner me when I needed to think. I'd call a cab or hitchhike or call someone for a ride if I didn't have my car. That never went over well on dates, etc. I don't do that as much anymore.

The bottom line is you're reacting emotionally based on something the person you're attacking didn't cause, and what may happen is that you DO cause what you fear to happen based on your actions. That sucks when it happens, and it will perpetuate the abandonment you fear - so do what you can to avoid it.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 35
Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/28/2011 11:42:40 PM
Good luck, Op...but I do have to question several things, while you want to say the issue is ALL YOURS...I am wondering if it truly is.

See if I was in bed with someone and I knew they expected me to be there in the morning, I wouldn't just leave, I would have left a note or a text or something to explain why I wasn't there. Nothing wrong with him leaving. But think about it, if you had company and they just got up and left without saying...wouldnt you feel it was a bit rude? Don't most of us say goodbye? So you are blaming yourself for feeling upset about something he did...and then reacting to it.

Likewise if you talk every day and then one day you don't hear from him, it does make you wonder what is going on and I think you are actually playing into his hands..he likes the way you get all riled up cause otherwise after the first time you did it, he would work to make sure it didnt happen again.


Thing is, she waited, I called *her*, and apologized first thing - she didn't have to wig out, start a fight to 'provoke a response', etc... it meant *more* to her that I called and was apologizing, that I felt bad about it myself... not because she was *forcing* me to feel bad about it (accusing, pushing buttons, etc).


^^ see the difference is he didnt say he was sorry for not contacting her, he just didn't contact her and it wasn't the first time he did it, he does it continually knowing it upsets her to get her reaction...

Op, hopefully knowing that he is doing this on purpose will help you control and not play into his issues. I am not blaming your boyfriend, I am saying that in a relationship if you love someone then you don't deliberately do things you know will upset them, unless you like the reaction you get when they are upset...maybe you get all passionate and he loves the make-up sex?
 exhilaratedandlively
Joined: 8/4/2010
Msg: 36
Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/29/2011 4:53:50 AM
Again, I appreciate the responses and I can understand those who said it would drive them away.

I suppose that's why it baffles me. My behavior. Because it's driven me away in the past. My ex-husband was clingy. Extremely so. And the more he clung the further away I moved. I don't like clingy, yet here I am doing it.

The need and importance he placed upon me was strangling and desperate and unhealthy. And I began to reject both he and it.

I waited two years following my divorce to date. This one has been my first relationship since my divorce.

I wish I could see the responses as I sit here and type mine because there have been some things I gleaned from them. What Christ said about the "mirror." What Rach said. Those who said perhaps he's just not that into me. And what Out said about rejecting him once I had him.

And I love the way the many women see it's not that I NEED constant contact. There's something else there. Something I cannot pinpoint. Because, honestly, were I really sure of his "presence," I wouldn't even need to hear from him once a day ... that stems from actions such as him getting up and leaving with no explanation and a few other disappearances.

This is cyclical. And I play an active role, to be sure. I'm complicit. I didn't talk to him last night. In fact, I didn't see him last night. And that was my choice. And by "talk" to him, I had no intention of whipping out a list of past "transgressions" and making him feel like he was a scolded child. When and if I do bring it up, it will simply be "please don't take off, without a word. It's rude." The end.

Finally, I see what I was looking for in posting was insight into my own behavior. What was driving me. From people who don't know me. Honest, unbiased and not driven by loyalty to me (as my girlfriends are). Thanks again.

I don't post much to the forums. But I'm an active reader. You guys are pretty good. I enjoy it.
 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 37
Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/29/2011 5:03:05 AM
how long did you date this dude....before banging him?/u may have gotten sexual a bit too soon...not sure that you had the 'exclusive; talk either...do u guys do things together besides having sex?
Where is your father?/is he still alive..are u close??/alot of times what i see are when women are clingy,insecure,etc..they usually have 'daddy' issues from a very early age. Maybe ur father left ur mom early on? Life is complicated, but without knowing ur whole life story, we're all really just taking educated guesses here.
 PinkNeonSocks78
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 38
Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/29/2011 5:08:42 AM
If you know you have all of these issues and you're seeking therapy the best advice I can give you is to let him go while you work through YOUR issues.

You obviously have relationship, abandonment, and some other issues that need to be dealt with before you start up another relationship. Otherwise it's doomed, and you're the one making it that way. This relationship isn't going to last so why continue torturing yourself and him as well?

*smacks you*
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 39
Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/29/2011 5:43:53 AM
I have learned that if a man brings about such an emotional response in me that something is wrong with the match. He likely doesnt and wont show love in the way I am needing it, and this cycle will never end.

Personally, I think there are lots of great men out there for you, and thier way of 'being' wont trigger you this way. My advice is to stop dating this man and try to meet someone who shows love in the way you need. You have already told him his behaviour triggers you...and he is not changing...as it should be really, he is who he is. You cannot force these things when they are not working.

Feeling love for someone is only the begginning. Showing how we love and accepting how someone shows love is equally important. Acceptance being the key word.

You dont accept him the way he is, and that is the bottom line here.
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 40
Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/29/2011 6:11:01 AM

Saturday he spent the night. Or I thought he did. And when I woke up at 5 a.m. he was gone. I looked outside and his truck was gone. I checked for a note. Nothing. I checked for a text. Nothing.

I was finally able to reach him at 8 a.m. He said he couldn't sleep. So he went home.


Okay, this part isnt good, there obviously something not right, either that's bothering him, or he has some serious 'I dont see her as my gf' issues


I don't expect constant contact. I do, however, want to hear from him at least once a day.

That's a self-negation right there. Its actually called constant contact, or being 'clingy'

I love my boyfriend. A lot. Yet, I pick fights with him. (Yes I realize I'm old enough to know better.) I don't pick fights with him until he stops responding to me. When I fail to hear from him, many times, the only way I know I'm guaranteed a response is to text him something confrontational.


That's all not good either. It wouldnt serve any purpose beating the nail again on the head by saying you have issues need solving, such the 'clingning on to' thing. You said so yourself, your in therapy, its a process, so that side is being taken care of. A relationship is always two ways, but when your in there, you dont always see the outside of it. So you also have to ask yourself what drives you to these confrontational ways to him. Whenever someone gets pi**ed off, its usually sparked by something the exterior world does. In this case, you get on his case when he STOPS responding to you, right? Because you get mad because you feel he doesnt give a crap about you right? Which doesnt sound right in a relationship anyways, my view is you love someone you spend time with them. If that really bothers you however, you gotta ask yourself if you are right to BE bothered. What, you think he cheats on you? Or maybe HE has issues?
But my view, either for right or for wrong, fighting solves nothing. When your at that point where it happens all the time, you should quit while your ahead and get your thoughts back together. He probably views this as an abusive relation, you probably view it as him not caring about you. Maybe taking some time apart, no strings attached, would give you better perspective on it?

Anyways, food for thought, dwell on it before I get shot down on here
 ontario_woman
Joined: 4/3/2005
Msg: 41
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Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/29/2011 6:17:04 AM
OP: Continue with your therapy. You obviously have issues that are going to destroy your relationship if they haven't already. You admit that you have issues which is a huge step. Keep working at it.
 chinadol6977
Joined: 6/24/2011
Msg: 42
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Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/29/2011 7:31:29 AM
As a counselor,I can tell you that from the information that you provided in the original post that you've picked an individual that is going to continue to push your issues to the surface.If he can't understand the issues that you are working through,you have to remove him from your life,or all of your session are for nothing,because you will keep coming back into the same wall of fear....
 chinadol6977
Joined: 6/24/2011
Msg: 43
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Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/29/2011 7:33:51 AM
On another note the term boyfriend or girlfriend must have changed in the 10 years that I was married.I tend to speak with my boyfriend everyday....WTF
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 44
Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/29/2011 8:52:20 AM

you have to remove him from your life


Didnt I say that?
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 46
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Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/29/2011 11:40:55 AM
I have to agree, that is one strange profile. Two-thirds of it is interesting, humorous, entertaining. And then some parts are ... maybe a little too far out there?

And what's all this about "shaving"??? Shave what, your face? legs? armpits? pubes? all of the above? And why mention it multiple times? Does shaving (whatever it is that you aren't shaving) have some huge significance?
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 48
Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/29/2011 3:41:15 PM

I have to agree, that is one strange profile. Two-thirds of it is interesting, humorous, entertaining. And then some parts are ... maybe a little too far out there?

And what's all this about "shaving"??? Shave what, your face? legs? armpits? pubes? all of the above? And why mention it multiple times? Does shaving (whatever it is that you aren't shaving) have some huge significance?


I am not understanding why when someone is honest about who they are in a profile, others would try to encourage them to hide whatever they feel is "...too far out there?"

If it wigs someone out better it is in the profile than get to know someone and then find out that aren't interested in you if you have parts that are "too far out there."
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 49
Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/29/2011 4:16:51 PM
When I fail to hear from him, many times, the only way I know I'm guaranteed a response is to text him something confrontational.

None of us were there. You could be a bit "psycho" or just have a few mild problems and he could be the bad guy. If the gone-at-5am thing is the highest level of a "disappearing" act he does, you're a bit "psycho", yes -- especially if you flip out at him because of it. If it's just a small thing that represents greater ways of him frequently disappearing, being mute, non-responsive as a bf, etc. -- then you're not so much (but need to handle it better).

For all I know, he's there, but he's not Johnny-on-the-spot to responding to you on everything, can be a bit sloppy, likes his space here and there, but overall a great guy. OR he could be a passive-aggressive person, knows what hurts you and keeps doing it because he'll feel You're the bad guy because you'll be over the top in your reaction when he "silently" hurts you yet again and that can be his way of letting off steam and think he's a great guy when he's not the whole time.

I'd bet it's somewhere in-between, but who knows. In the end, he should know you have abandonment issues and are sensitive to responses. It's not that hard to do respond. And one having a GF who's over-sensitive about it -- isn't an excuse to not do that, even if she's over the top when ya aren't... as long as She apologetically acknowledges she is that way. You should know that it is OKAY for him not to respond every single time so quickly. Until you realize that, your emotions will feel justified in flipping out. If he's never responsive about stuff, then he doesn't care that much about you when he knows you're sensitive about all that -- plain and simple. But what's good and what's bad relies on the refined details of each situation.
 Ms Cheevious
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 50
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Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/29/2011 4:35:56 PM

ohenry - I have to agree, that is one strange profile. Two-thirds of it is interesting, humorous, entertaining. And then some parts are ... maybe a little too far out there?

And what's all this about "shaving"??? Shave what, your face? legs? armpits? pubes? all of the above? And why mention it multiple times? Does shaving (whatever it is that you aren't shaving) have some huge significance?

=====================================

chuckles - I am not understanding why when someone is honest about who they are in a profile, others would try to encourage them to hide whatever they feel is "...too far out there?"

If it wigs someone out better it is in the profile than get to know someone and then find out that aren't interested in you if you have parts that are "too far out there."



oh, c'mon.......along with the "shaving" comments, you have wonder about someone who would put THIS line in their profile -



I may answer the phone the following day. I may not.



Yet start a thread -



When I fail to hear from him, many times, the only way I know I'm guaranteed a response is to text him something confrontational.

I don't expect constant contact. I do, however, want to hear from him at least once a day. If that doesn't happen, I provoke a response.
 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 53
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Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/29/2011 5:42:07 PM
op
after reading this entire post, i would add that each and every time you are hit with the desire to send him a text and start a fight/confrontation, or when you start to feel anxious and want to do something to relieve that feeling.....just sit with those feelings. let them take you over, but don't take any action. open your mind to what is really going on in your subconcious mind. sit with it, look at it, let the immediate feeling die off as you see that you are not going to die or flip out because of what is going on in your mind.
i don't think your bf has the answers to this. he cannot fix it. only when you sit with yourself, and really get in touch with your mind and thoughts will you get "fixed"
exercise self control.
in the end you may find that he is not for you, but you won't know that until you own yourself and your actions.

good luck,
kaylee
 cutiecaliente
Joined: 9/27/2010
Msg: 55
Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/29/2011 10:22:31 PM
First you need to have your own life... and have your own hobbies...
Second ...man need space....
and Thrid... if you can not trust your boyfriend.?..
why are you with him?


i feel you are insecure and you need to act like a grown, confident woman... focus on positive ideas and have a good attitude...
 liz11106
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 57
Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/30/2011 1:48:17 PM
You are on the right track with therapy. Maybe do what I've been trying, lighten up a little bit. In other words, date different people and see which ones you like.. Don't invest too much in any one guy (right now). Have fun.. your abandonment issues will get settled in therapy.. in the meantime, cut yourself some slack
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 58
Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/30/2011 5:42:51 PM
chinadol6977: "On another note the term boyfriend or girlfriend must have changed in the 10 years that I was married.I tend to speak with my boyfriend everyday....WTF"

Not disagreement there CD, but on the flip side of that you probably both *want* to talk to each other every day, going a day w/o talking wouldn't be a "freak out and leave nasty messages for him", etc, type situation. A confident fully engaged person usually realizes that "sometimes stuff happens", people have friends, family, jobs, etc, that sometimes get in the way of things, and its not a full-on-panic fear if a day is missed on occasion (and is sure they'll get an apology and explanation the next day).

The OP is trying to "control" the relationship - "talk to me every day, or I'll flip out and get angry and threatening". Honestly, most people wouldn't put up with that for long, and of course if she's got a history of this she's probably got a string of broken relationships from it, which would further increase her "fears" that she might lose this one, invoking *more* efforts to "make it what *she* needs". Its akin to a child throwing a temper tantrum every time they don't get something "their way".
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 59
Apparently, I'm psycho
Posted: 11/30/2011 6:05:53 PM

Its akin to a child throwing a temper tantrum every time they don't get something "their way".

Assuming the guy isn't MIA all the time and underneath it all DOES care about her and shows it and he's not someone who doesn't give a sh!t...

.... I think her not wanting "her way" is a bigger deal than having abandonment issues. Being picky/sensitive about a certain thing is one thing. Flippin out when not getting something your way (ie on an occasion that being one of them), is what the REAL problem is. Because if in therapy she'd quell some of her abandonment issues, she'd still have the real problem sitting there -- going ape-sh!t when things won't go her way.

But again, maybe the guy doesn't care about her much at all -- and little things that represent one not caring about her could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Not the best way to handle it... but some people, how that guy MAYBE could be, are stealthy in not caring about someone but pretend that they do to keep a convenience relationship going... and with enough passive-aggressive deception and the like, it'd make anyone pull their hair out, and flipping out would be more understandable.

But if you have a GF/BF who when you hit them up never responds in due time -- they aren't that into you, and you may not be being sensitive about things to at least be irked/upset about them not being that into ya.
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