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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Anyone seen a key laying around?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Glenoran1
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 17
Anyone seen a key laying around?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I work in what I call (for lack of a better term for it) parahypnotic 'levels'. I ask questions, and record the answers I get. This is a question I asked in March, 2003, and the response I got, which I offer here for whatever use it may be to you:

"Q: Am I going in the direction I should be going in, or am I adrift?

A: You try to catch purpose, never to enjoy the lulls between the events of your life. It is like the pauses between the notes of a piece of music; it has as much meaning as the notes, as much significance, though usually only recognized in retrospect. Be patient. Your times of seeming purpose and achievement are in the works, but they must await their proper appointment in the lyric and music which are the song, the sonnet, the sonata of your life. You cannot rush them without corrupting the piece of music or the story being told in events rather than words.
Enjoy now, today, tomorrow and every event which punctuates the spaces in between, and you will eventually arrive at the end of this lifetime feeling you have accomplished the mission you set out to explore, experience, express. Rush it, and you will overshoot the mark with tragic (from your perspective) consequences."

We are hardwired to go after what we want, do things to change what we don't like. But when it comes to finding the right partner, there is very little we can do to hurry things along, other than attempt to be where we might encounter that person.

If you look back at significant changes in life, you'll probably realize (as I did) that had they occurred earlier, I would not have been ready for them. Like the old saying goes, "no wine before its time". Which doesn't make waiting any easier, but in retrospect, we'll probably understand why we couldn't have met him/her sooner.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 18
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History
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/2/2011 2:31:14 PM
Know exactly where you are coming from......

But I honestly believe.....when that the "right one" comes along, you will suddenly
find yourself wanting more....the blocks will come down and you will allow love to happen again.
 Law212
Joined: 10/2/2011
Msg: 19
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/2/2011 2:34:02 PM
I think that many people feel the only way they can be happy is if they have someone to be with to affrim that they are worth something.

I think morepeople would feel more fulfilled if they went out and did things that build character like volunteer work.

When you're happy with yourself and your life then people will be attracted to that and want to be around you. Not to mention you will expand your circle of friendsa nd contacts.

I would suggest putting "gottafind someone " out of your mind completely andgo out and do somethings you always thought about. doesnt have to be huge, go join a team, get your motorcycle or gun licence. take a course, go keep busy and learn some new skills.
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 20
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/2/2011 2:55:43 PM
Aristan, Not really feeling pain from my failed marriage anymore (which has been about 3 years since it was final) or the failed relationship.

Maybe it's more of a can't give my heart to anyone anymore feeling that I have so I lock everything up emotionally and don't allow myself to give it to anyone. I'm sort of "stone cold" when it comes to dating. I ask myself why I am still on this site pretty often. In fact, I get messages all the time from great guys on here, but I ignore them. Not because they don't interest me, but because of the above issues.

I want to find love, but I don't. I am so weird!
 infinestforum
Joined: 7/21/2011
Msg: 21
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/2/2011 2:56:53 PM
Oh man.. er lady.. I have been so there. Healing is a long hard process, make sure you get yourself out with people and in the sunshine getting some exercise. I finally got to do that a few weeks ago with a very nice gent from here just a a companion. No intent or ultimate reasons.. just go for a walk. It really raised my spirits! However, if the companionship and exercise don't work..

*sets out a box of chocolates* This works wonders.. oh *sets out the bottle of wine too* Puurfect!

(((Hugs)))

It gets better.. really.

Iffy
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 22
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History
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/2/2011 2:57:22 PM
PO no way! You're not the only one. I'd rather be by myself instead of in unhealthy relationships. You took the words out of my mouth.

I'm okay though. I really think it is part of a process we have to go through, for whatever reason. I have hope but I am learning not to depend on it.
 5150Rivergirl
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 23
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/2/2011 3:08:48 PM
You are definetly NOT the only one who feels like this. In fact, that is what I am going thru right this very moment.

I have been divorced now, for almost 9 years (my choice in leaving and no regrets. Im over it.) But it did take some time for me and its also taken its toll. I recently (finally) got my head outta my a.s.s and got out of an unhealthy connection to an ex bf/turned into FWB that went on for 3 eyars. We did alot of "family" type things with our kids who were the same age, so that broke me down and hurt tremendously. Lesson learned. On ALL counts. It was a rollercoaster of emotions and the big "F you;s" were thrown, only to go right back to ea other. Well, it finally clicked....but thru it all; the heartaches, the misleading, hurt, anger, there were lessons learned. Whats left now, are the reminants and realization that I am ok. I have adapted and have become content. Its just my little 2 person family. With working full time, full time parent, police volunteering, its left me with a very busy lifestyle and Ive grown accustomed to being alone.

We all have our moments where we can get down in the dumps, but trust me, dont give up. Even though the "effort" isnt there, Im happy. And I know you will be too, whether there is or isnt anyone.

Its the contentment stage I find myself in. It doesnt mean its good or bad. It just means that we have not placed dating as a priority or something that HAS to be fullfilled to make us happy or whole.

During the contentment stage, our hearts can often become cold, a tad hardened. Its a defense mechnisim (for me at least).

Ya ever see the new movie, "Crazy Stupid Love"? I am the redheaded daughter. The quick witted one who has witty cold comebacks that dont let that hot guy at the bar pick me up because I am questioning his cheesey line motives. Until one day, you take a chance, and wind up letting down those walls.

Take it easy on yourself. I know you are satisfied and come to grips with things, but always stay positive
 Maxie1950
Joined: 8/14/2011
Msg: 24
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/2/2011 3:39:14 PM
I know I'm quite a bit older, but I found myself in a similar situation 14 yrs ago. Had given up on ever finding love again. Wasn't even looking for it. Had not been in a relationship for 5 yrs.
That is when it happens! I know this may seem a silly story to some, but it is an awesome story to me. I met my soulmate at a funeral home. He'd retired from the bank & worked part time for the funeral home. I'd known of him all my life, but always thought he was married.
He made a comment about how I got prettier as I got older.. I told my sister he was a dirty old man...lol... Once she informed me he had not been married for years, my interest peaked. Then we started running into one another in the grocery store. Then he asked for my #, I gave it to him, he called, we went out to eat with a coupon, then to a $1.00 movie....:-)
8 months later we were married. We had 12 wonderful years together. I lost him in 2006, but the years we had together were the best & happiest years of my life. I would trade them for NOTHING.
He never once sent me flowers... he gathered the windblown ones from the cemetery or the back of the flower truck. They would be so mismatched, but he would bring them in & hand them to me.
I wish that for you one day...He was a banker, he had money, but his simple ways showed his love for me more than any amt. of money ever could. I had 1 son, he had 2 daughters. We watched all 3 of them marry, we welcomed each of our grandchildren into this world together.
No one deserves any less than the best. He was MY best.
You will find yours when you least expect it.. :-))
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 25
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/2/2011 3:41:36 PM
OP, you might still be in delayed-grief mode from the divorce, especially if you had the other relationship soon after. It takes a long time to get over the death of a marriage, just like it does with the death of a loved one. In certain ways, a dead marriage is more difficult to deal with than a dead spouse (although being widowed is much worse overall).

You might be experiencing the numbness of shock, even though it has been a while; you now have two relationships to grieve and maybe the whole experience of loss is catching up with and overwhelming you. It WILL get better, but it's definitely a biatch to go through. A support group might help.

And no, you're not weird about this at all.
 5150Rivergirl
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 26
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/2/2011 3:44:13 PM
Maxie,
I loved your story! Its very beautiful and an inspiration for us all. I am sorry of his passing.
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 27
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/2/2011 3:47:57 PM
+1 to what Rivergirl said. Thanks, Maxie.
 SC67
Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 28
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/2/2011 3:48:09 PM

I don't know if I even want a lid for my pot. That's part of my problem.

Me too! I wish I could still get those feelings of hopeful romantic optimism when I get a new e-mail. I miss them. I don't think I know how to date, can't tell if a man likes me, etc. I don't think the forums help 'cause sometimes hearing what SOME men are thinking is kinda like watching sausage being made... I am taking a break from dating so hopefully I can recharge my romantic heart.

Maybe a break from dating would help you too?? I feel like man (as in mankind) wasn't really meant to live life alone, but I'm not sure everyone was meant to be part of a couple.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 29
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/2/2011 4:33:15 PM
I'm not giving up on love despite the situation that I'm in. At times I feel like having that I give up kinda attitude. I don't just look on here, but I also look on other sites or just go out with friends and maybe meet someone new. Keep your head up OP
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 30
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/2/2011 4:40:00 PM
Snow:
THERE'S A LID FOR EVERY POT...
Hahaha! That one makes me laugh every time. People always say it so sing-songy too. I'm like the dented camping pot whose lid got swallowed up somewhere years ago, kinda like the mysterious missing socks.. lol.

Christy:
Maybe it's more of a can't give my heart to anyone anymore feeling that I have so I lock everything up emotionally and don't allow myself to give it to anyone. I'm sort of "stone cold" when it comes to dating.
I remember having that cold and dead feeling before too.. somebody bring out the AED! lol.. I wondered if I would ever feel anything again? And then love just sort of smacked me when I wasn't expecting it.

As others have said, I think it's a normal phase.. and a healthy and necessary one too. I don't understand those who just jump from one shallow relationship to another? You're only accumulating more and more baggage as you travel, never stopping to lighten the load.. I just can't operate like that.

I'm not open to dating at all right now, I know I need to get right with me first. Dating takes a lot of energy, and I need mine for other things right now. I don't believe in putting myself on the market under false pretences. It amazes me how many do just that.

Anyway, learn to love this place! It can actually be rewarding and kinda fun. If I may suggest a book.. 'In the Meantime' by Iyanla Vanzant is amazing for such questions :)
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 31
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/2/2011 5:54:40 PM

I'm not open to dating at all right now, I know I need to get right with me first. Dating takes a lot of energy, and I need mine for other things right now. I don't believe in putting myself on the market under false pretences. It amazes me how many do just that.


Shatki- my beautiful!

You reached into my soul and said what I
couldn't.

I just want to be with me. I feel beat up. Torn
down. Worn out.

I need to get right with myself.

My lid is bent. He just doesn't fit my pot
right now.

Nice thread. Nice to know I'm not alone.
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 33
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/2/2011 6:10:05 PM

I just want to be with me. I feel beat up. Torn
down. Worn out.

I need to get right with myself.

My lid is bent. He just doesn't fit my pot
right now.


Amen sista...Amen. Ditto!


Thanks everyone who responded. I appreciate ALL of your advice. I am amazed to see so many who feel the way I do. I thought I was the only one who had this way of thinking. Maybe I am not as "weird" as I thought I was.

 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 34
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/2/2011 7:06:43 PM
I was with you 100% until the mention of a locked heart.

My heart is not locked it is just not going to be given away again.
If I was to let another lady have it it would be earned.

I am very happy being single and where you are wondering if you want to try again I know I don't.

I am having way to much fun as a single man. I can come and go as I please and my sex life is at least as good as when I was married and probably better.


That is why it would take a very special lady to even make me think of a LTR/marriage.

So why worry about a LTR/marriage type relationship?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 35
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/2/2011 9:14:17 PM
Yep, I agree with this too:

I'm not open to dating at all right now, I know I need to get right with me first. Dating takes a lot of energy, and I need mine for other things right now. I don't believe in putting myself on the market under false pretences. It amazes me how many do just that.

I've been on a self improvement thing for close to 4 years now, and a lot has happened to me that's been out of my control. I was always a loner, and very content with being single but I am in an extreme state of that right now. I am getting closer to achieving what I set out to do, but until I feel I've put some things behind me I am in no place to try and start a relationship with anyone.

Funny, I'll see a guy somewhere and start talking to him and become interested in learning about him. We'll talk a few times, maybe go out once and then I get sidetracked by a bunch of stuff and I can't consistently communicate with him. When I think about trying to stop and make sure I reconnect, the thought of it actually going anywhere seems like too much work, so I put it off until of course it's been to long to bother.

I am amazed to see so many who feel the way I do. I thought I was the only one who had this way of thinking. Maybe I am not as "weird" as I thought I was.

I think you're doing it right, it's just that so many don't that you're questioning it. This society has us thinking that we have to be trying to find someone every day no matter what. Pffft.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 36
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/2/2011 9:22:27 PM
Maybe you just need time alone. The feeling that you "want" to connect could be related to some subconscious expectation that you *should* connect--when, in fact, you really just want to be on your own for now. Do you hold any beliefs that being alone is somehow "less" than being part of a couple? If so, this belief might be tugging at you in the way you describe. If that is part of it, you can really work on the way you see yourself as a single person.

If I'm totally off track, feel free to ignore me!
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 38
view profile
History
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/3/2011 1:40:22 AM

I think you're doing it right, it's just that so many don't that you're questioning it. This society has us thinking that we have to be trying to find someone every day no matter what. Pffft.
Exactly.


My lid is bent.
I’d make an exception for the right bent lid if I came across it.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 40
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/3/2011 8:37:30 AM
with regard to smoking, it may be a big part of your problem, you feel more depressed from the effects of the nicotine. I would focus on kicking the drug habit right now

Absolutely! The KEY is to do everything possible to maximize your health.. Regular exercise, breathing clean air, eating healthy foods and drinking plenty of water..

These ARE things that you can control.. And physically doing things helps bring your body/mind out of that Holiday Blues doldrums slump where you may sit around in torpor drinking, waiting for someone ELSE to bring you some "key" to your own happiness..

The KEY is between your ears, and being an adult, it is YOUR responsibility to grab it and vigorously participate in your own renaissance..
Amazing how self-improvement can begin attracting others into your life, those who can encourage your own progress and share in your goals and enjoyment.. "Two equals half the sorrow and twice the fun".

IF you are S.A.D. clinically because of low light levels, then buy one of those super bright light panels and sit in front of it every morning reading for a week, until you come out of that SAD and get back involved in your improving life again!
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 41
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/3/2011 9:20:42 AM
As others have said, know you are not alone. We've all lost that "key" of which you speak of. It comes and goes with me personally. I know my options are very limited because of the type of person I am,so one of my first reactions to a person whom takes a liking to me is that I raise my eyebrow and question THEIR sanity!!!!
I wish for someone,but not just anyone. It will take one of those that is a little off the wall, and not a follower,which there seems to be less and less of everyday. I accept it, along with being single. But I also believe that someone has that key,I just don't know which part of this world that she lives in. I doubt she will drop in my lap, therefore I always have to keep my eyes open,and the door a little ajar,,,,,just in case.
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 43
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/3/2011 11:23:34 AM
Dear Christyisforreal, sounds like you are in the phase that occurs after having loved and lost. Now you are in another very important relationship-in fact, one that can determine the rest of your life, the one with YOURSELF! Rather than finding fault with yourself for your aloneness, you could also choose to celebrate this time. Why? Because, should you get into another relationship with someone, these times when you have the time/ability/freedom to truly self-reflect will be gone. This is a chance to get to know who you are to yourself:what you like, what warms your hert, what you need, strengths, weaknesses, things you'd like to improve upon. For having embraced this aloneness, should you choose to wholehearedly pursue dating again, you will have much more to offer, for knowing your own autheticity and parameters. You will much more readily be able to spot whether or not a guy is appropriate as a match with you. Even if you don't desire dating again, that doesn't necessarily make you pathological either, just bc others are in relationships. There are very good reasons to guard one's heart these days, and a measure of prudence actually reflects healthier self-esteem and self respect as opposed to automatically implying dysfunction. So... try changing the angle from which you are viewing yourself-is it acc to what 'they' would think or say, or acc to what is right for Christy? Try giving up the need for anyone else's approval and give yourself permission to be totally ok with what makes Christy feel good. Afterall, you are the one who has to face the consequences for every decision and live with YOU for the rest of your life, so why not learn to love and appreciate you
 Akizzej
Joined: 5/1/2009
Msg: 45
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/3/2011 6:51:22 PM
Guess I'll put myself in the 'melting pot' too...
I've been out of my marriage 11 years now, had a few short term 'involvements' over the years but never really meeting anyone who 'gets it'.

then I saw one day, a comment "would you want to be involved with 'you'"?? and I had to step back and see if I was what I myself would want. I wasn't really that nice then.

From that, I have been spending time looking at and working on myself, having insightful moments, have recently begun to treat myself with 'kindsight'... and instead of beating myself with "what were you thinking" thoughts, I'm now reflecting with "what were you learning?" kindness gestures.

My 'key' is out there somewhere, I don't have much personal 'me' time for dating but I do try to at least get out and enjoy one coffee date a week, with a member of the opposite gender and as my life's chaos begins to reduce, I might actually be in a frame of mind to be something that 'I' might want... and then be something someone else would want.
 WiseBurro
Joined: 11/25/2011
Msg: 46
Anyone seen a key laying around?
Posted: 12/3/2011 9:54:52 PM

I don't think I know how to date, can't tell if a man likes me, etc. I don't think the forums help 'cause sometimes hearing what SOME men are thinking is kinda like watching sausage being made...

I laughed out loud at this; I feel the same way about reading what SOME women are thinking - like watching a thing being made, except: something more feminine, like a pillow with googley eyes, or a dictionary whose word definitions were totally subjective
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