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 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 89
Am I narrowing my chances?Page 3 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
it is funny that a girl will be told to keep her standards,
and a guy will be told - and I have yet to see the exception - to lower his....

eventually if you are dating, were you the one he wanted,....
or the one he could get ?.....
I didn't think I was being too picky - ...but search showed me every time - that indeed I was
no kids, college education, never divorced/married, doesnt smoke, active.
- nothin but crickets - unless I left the country.
on a clear day I could see Canada from the house deck
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 90
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/8/2011 1:30:03 PM
If you think my criteria is equal to "0" compromising...what would you change? Remember, I don't ask for anything I can't offer.

I guess that depends on how flexible you are with respect to things like age based on whatever reason you use age as a criteria. I personally, picked an age range rather arbitrarily based on the fact that I think younger women don't think ``old'' and I'm more likely to find younger women more physically attractive. After realizing that it was a lot easier to get a date with someone who was 35-40 than it was to get a date with women older than that, what's the point of not setting an age limit? On the other hand, I know why I picked my range of ages, so the age itself wasn't the deal breaker. So, when my fiancee came along, but was a couple of years older than what I set arbitrarily, I wasn't compromising on my age preference, because I was getting what it was I really wanted. I mean, am I going to shoot myself in the foot by losing sight of the reason I set the limits in the first place?

The second is education and I know you've already said something about not restricting the measure of education to a degree, but I'll mention it anyway, because most people mean ``degree'' when they say ``educated.'' I have all of the formal schooling anyone could possibly ask for, but I made it a point to say that I didn't equate ``educated'' with ``having one to school,'' so that I could determine things like education and intelligence directly from talking to someone. So, I had high expectations for intelligence and education, but I determined that for myself rather than take a piece of paper as proof of anything but successfully attending some classes.

A third example would be a person's status as single, married, divorced, whatever. What I wanted was someone who was avilable and without baggage, not a label. I admit to being dubious when my fiancee told me she had been separated for two years, rather than divorced, but health insurance, the fact that her ex lived 200 miles away and she had no desire to see him again, made it pretty clear she was as available as anyone else. And, a few months later, when she obtained health insurance through her new employer, the papers were filed and everything was done. That's another case where it might be prudent to see if the person is offering you what you expect or merely offering you a label as a shortcut to finding out on your own.

I wasn't expecting anything I didn't offer, but I didn't want to miss anyone who was offering what I expected by trying to satisfy some critera and losing sight of what I was using my criteria to obtain. My criteria were an attempt to find an efficient means of obtaining the qualities I wanted in someone, not the end in itself. That's why I think the red flag nazis will be perennially single. They reject people for symptoms without ever finding out what the symptoms point to, or in some cases anything beyond someone else told them such-and-such was a red flag.

it also makes a difference since while males are quite selective about their partners they don't vest the same right on the ladies.

I have no objection to anyone setting any criteria they choose. I set my criteria and I knew why I set them as I did, so I didn't have much diffiulty making an exception for someone older than my age preference, because the age itself wasn't the criteria. There do seem to be a lot of braindead people who haven't really given much thought to what they want and how to go about getting it though ( the red flag nazis, for example.) If you've thought it all through, you know what you want and you think you are going about finding it the right way, go for it. That's why you're here. I have no reason to convince anyone of anything. I've been off the market for 2 1/2 years. The fact that I have been off the market for 2 1/2 years, though, means I obviously did something right.
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 91
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/8/2011 1:58:06 PM
Just my opinion the more criteria you have the more you do narrow your chances..

I tend to keep mine simple someone that is stable financially, he must not have a criminal record, he also must be unmarried.. Lastly we are both nuts about one another and he thankfully he is not around the same age as my son..

nativerock
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 92
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/8/2011 8:36:59 PM

It seems OP did not start this thread to open up discussion but to be validated in her opinion.

Absofreakinlutely afreakinmazing. I think thats' the first time anyone has ever done that. I'll alert the media.

Seriously,and on topic, OP, it's YOUR life. I don't find your criteria all that unreasonable, but you might want to consider leaving a little wiggle room.

Perhaps you might meet a guy that you really connected with,couldn't you at least give some consideration to working around any committments he has to children or grandchildren? Why is it so important that his life meet YOUR convenience?

Of course, every stipulation that you, or I or anyone else puts on our list of criteria for a relationship partner, is going to narrow down the field. Is that inflexibility or is it courage to stand by ones' criteria? Is having very few, or highly adjustable criteria any better? Wouldn't some call that "settle for anything you can get" mentality?
Cindy O
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 94
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/9/2011 7:19:24 AM
Seems like anyone who has the desire for only certain type of men/women to be considered for dating should simply realise that yes, it narrows the chances and not have to ask if it does?

Anyway…

because is MY life


One thing I’ve noticed, in my years coming to PoF and reading the forums, is people seem to want someone to fit into “MY LIFE” and somewhat forget that they may need to do a bit of wiggling to fit into the other person’s life also.

It all has to be “my” way.

I know that it’s explained off as “why should I change?”

A bit of changing – evolving – experiencing new things – taking on new dynamics - is often quite good for someone’s life.

But aside from that, it IS something that has to happen when a new ‘mate’ is considered.
It’s really a fairy tale to think someone will just slide perfectly into my life without me having to do some sliding too.

Tiny example…
I don’t want to deal much with kids anymore in my daily life. I’ve lived with small children for over 30 years. I’m not interested in having them around full time or even half time anymore. I'm 'retired' from that, literally.
Ocasional is okay.. and I enjoy the ocassional.

Now if I met a man whom I got along with nicely and let’s say he had some grandchildren he ‘babysat’ 3 days a week, I’d compromise and do something with he and the kids one day a week and take myself off to do something else, or stay at home, or whatever, the other 2 days.

He’d have to compromise also, in understanding that I don’t necessarily want to visit/see him on those other 2 days.

But oh what a horrible word “compromise” is on this site, lol.
Some call it “settling for less” and cry out against it.
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 96
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/9/2011 9:59:58 AM

He’d have to compromise also, Which, usually, doesn't happen.


I think this is true on both sides really..Why else would so many people be enjoying being single.. You see I am a believer that not all that come to the party want to necessarily be coupled..
nativerock
 SandyP123
Joined: 8/27/2010
Msg: 98
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/9/2011 12:37:18 PM
Hay people! Their is no perfect, or any guarantees in life. I feel that everyone wants to be excepted for who they are, not what they posses. Just saying!
 professora
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 99
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History
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/14/2011 7:06:55 PM
I have tried different lists---sometimes one list works this week and then it does not seem to work the following month.

My 'must have' list has changed so much that now I go for the "good guy" blue collar,white collar or no collar. kids or no kids. money or no money.

I never go with sociopaths (am good at detecting them), drinkers, men who tell me they cheated on the Mrs, etc

Hope this helps.
 SeaCatcher
Joined: 9/11/2011
Msg: 100
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/14/2011 9:27:15 PM
Yes, but there's nothing wrong with seeking an intelligent, educated man of your age. I am seeking this too. I've tried dating men who are intellectually deficient and who don't have a good education and there is not much to talk about, in the final analysis. If you're like me, you value good conversation and the sharing of ideas. It just gets very boring. Not a good recipe for a long term relationship.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 102
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/15/2011 9:10:21 AM
^^^ ah, the joys of an OP when they find someone who agrees fully.

It's true, there's nothing "wrong" with seeking someone you can have lots of good conversations with!
I'd imagine that's pretty much on everyone's wish list anyway.
For me.. I'm quite open to go a few levels above/below my intelligence, though.
Still lots to talk about and lots to teach each other.
For others (and OP) who want to stay in their own 'level'.. cool, we all get to have our 'preferences'.
But yes, it does "narrow changes", which was the question of this thread.
 MarkN48
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 104
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/15/2011 11:46:09 AM
Hahahahaha.......

IMO, there is nothing wrong with narrowing the playing field....

Why go out on 15 dates and waste each other's time with finding out your expectations first hand?

Life is to short!!!!

Lay it on the line!!! Sooner or later the right little fishy is going to nibble.


 Iascaireachta_arís
Joined: 7/28/2011
Msg: 106
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/15/2011 8:51:57 PM
And your perfect intellectual match is home reading a book too...how ya ever gonna meet?

next bump...
 Alovelyblackwoman
Joined: 12/8/2011
Msg: 109
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/18/2011 8:29:08 PM
Mr. Right is never going to be the one that is right in your face. It takes some weeding out to get to him. I am saying stick to you guns girlfriend! You are worth it!
 Mike71949
Joined: 12/14/2011
Msg: 110
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/18/2011 8:39:08 PM
Why would you ask advice from people you don't know anything at all about. I'm sure their all wonderful people but you don't know them. Make your choices and prepare to live with them.
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 112
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/22/2011 10:16:51 PM
Hi Duchesa, well, having read all of these posts, I'm realizing that those of us from the over 30 crowd are having the same issues as you are in over 45 finding an equitable match. I don't know why, when one has gone to school, stayed out of trouble and led a responsible life it is such a challenge finding an equal match on here. Just know you are not the only one. I personally don't think you should lower your standards at all, for what it's worth Good luck to you, and no need to lower your hard earned standards at all IMO
 Luvtolaugh77
Joined: 11/15/2009
Msg: 113
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/23/2011 12:30:19 AM
you may wanna step out of the box a little and see what catches your eye, after all...we all need the attraction to strike us ....if lightening does strike, will you ask him all the criteria before making a move?
 Dave of Indiana
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 114
view profile
History
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/23/2011 6:37:07 PM
Dear, nobody is saying NO to compromising...but being selective about WHAT to compromise.


I would never ask someone to compromise on morals and ethics. However, we need to have realistic preferences.

Personally I feel when the love bug really strikes give and take isn't usually a big problem. Until then we exist in our own worlds.
 SiRCaSaNoVa
Joined: 8/7/2011
Msg: 117
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/25/2011 3:28:13 PM

According to a friend my decision to date only gentlemen about my age, with similar level of education, a clean record, with children out of the home and a brain that is not damaged is the same as to "narrowing my chances to meet Mr. Right."
Yep pretty much you will die alone & lonely. you ask for to much. talk about narrowing it down.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 118
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/25/2011 4:04:27 PM

Would you agree with me that "realistic preferences" is asking for the same things the person is offering?

I guess that is realistic to some people.

Kinda makes me only 'allowed' to date someone else with wheels instead of walking, eh?

While I wouldn't mind at all meeting someone with wheels, I also know I have a lot to offer to someone who walks, too... AND that a relationship could be wonderful with either.

What I have 'to offer' does not have to be exactly what he has "to offer", and the other way around too.

I've had a lot .. years.. of training and experience in caring for or helping those with mental challenges and those with various disabilities.
Does he have to have that also? Nope.
I'm just fine if he doesn't know what neuroblastoma is! Or any of the other thousand things I know.
He knows OTHER things....that I don't know.

He may be absolutely great with numbers.. doing them in his head with ease.
Sometimes I use my fingers, lol!
So? I can be in awe of him and he can jest at me about needing to grab a pen and paper.

I can offer really good back rubs... have yet to find a man who can offer that in return, lol. But I've had some good relationships nonetheless.

I have a van... maybe he has a motorcycle.
I have an apartment, sold my house 5 yrs ago (horray!). Maybe he has a house.
So?

I can cook.. I can offer homemade meals. Maybe he can't.. but he gets a kick out of offering meals 'out'.

Compromise CAN be fun!

Plus ENJOYING.. sharing.. talking about... even laughing about.. what makes each of us different = a damn nice relationship, in my opinion.
 ladyjanedenver
Joined: 9/18/2010
Msg: 119
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/25/2011 5:46:30 PM
This has been a very interesting read, all six pages of it. I think that our most precious commodity is time. Since we don't have all that much of it left, I've expanded my parameters, and am not so hung up about education, just interested in articulate and intelligent.If someone can communicate, we can find lots to talk about. Spelling counts, too.

And how do you ascertain that someone has a clean record?? "Oh, excuse me, but are you a convicted felon?" Ha, ha.
 Bret23
Joined: 6/28/2008
Msg: 120
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History
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/25/2011 6:43:29 PM
I just think it's kind of sad that people are alone for Christmas, and posting on the POF message board.
 SeaCatcher
Joined: 9/11/2011
Msg: 124
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/25/2011 11:51:40 PM
:[quote I just think it's kind of sad that people are alone for Christmas, and posting on the POF message board.

You're here.

Some of us live in different time zones to you. I enjoyed Christmas lunch yesterday with friends and family and I enjoyed a jolly good rollicking in bed this morning with my friend and now it is nice to sit here in silence reading the forums. And, as Duchesa says, some of us are non-believers. A lot of reasons for being/not being here.
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 125
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/26/2011 4:06:42 AM
Of course you are narrowing your chances but that doesn't necessarily mean that you shouldn't do it.

You are more likely to be happy with someone at your own station in life. While it is true that you might be quite happy with someone outside of your stratum, chances are that you would be led down quite a few blind alleys in your attempt to be broad minded. Most compatible men -- not all but the vast majority -- are the ones at your level. Run through all of those first before you go rolling the dice.
 URXO2
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 126
view profile
History
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/26/2011 4:35:22 PM
Forgive me OP I haven't read the entire thread, I think we could use the Clampetts / Drysdales (The Beverly Hillbillies ) as an example of folks that have the social status educational level ( worried about the wrong things) but they just couldn’t compete with the common folk... I’m not saying you should hookup with Charlie Manson but when opposite ends of the magnet meet the bond can be rather tight...
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 129
Am I narrowing my chances?
Posted: 12/26/2011 7:33:41 PM
Yes you are narrowing your chances of meeting men, but I say it is better to hold out for quality over quantity. Expect long dry spells and don't get discouraged. Believe me, the things you are looking for are worth waiting for.
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