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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?      Home login  
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 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 45
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
drop the dinner & movie thingy from ur profile...on a first date. It gives the apperance of wanting a free meal..and how can anyone get to know u during a movie?
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 46
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Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/5/2011 12:00:51 PM
I think foot fetishists might because its all about defeat for them innit
 Johnnie Freeze
Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 47
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/5/2011 12:25:55 PM
Yep, this is why dont "date". I just *hang out* with friends..and if we click and want to *hang out* again, we'll do so..if we decide we like each other beyond platonic friends that it'll happen naturally.
 Linda136
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 48
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/5/2011 3:28:09 PM
I would think that you would know what you're walking into on that first "date", "encounter". Don't you email, text, talk on phone to see if there are some connections that a first encounter would expand upon?

I have not been on many "first encounters", but the ones I went on I knew enough that I was very hopeful things would work out and our relationship would just grow and deepen over time. We knew what we both looked like, we liked some of the same things. I liked his voice. We both were looking for the same thing - or so I thought, but apparently not since they didn't work out.

I guess I'm naive enough to think that what a man says to me is what he means. I say what I mean and mean what I say so I assume others do the same. Oh well, I digress...
 No_Fancy_Name
Joined: 11/18/2009
Msg: 49
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Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/5/2011 7:41:57 PM
MikeWM:

Foot fetishists "shoes" defeat over "sock-cess".

I'll go get some professional help now - I obviously need some after that statement.
 VirtuallyLove
Joined: 9/8/2011
Msg: 50
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/5/2011 8:56:38 PM
Mustard -

"Wow, I don't even know how to respond to all this. The funny thing is, that some of you are saying I haven't met enough people, while others are saying I've met alot compared to them. I guess it's all relative.

This is the deal. I'm not going to message and text someone for weeks only to meet them and not hit it off. That is a lot of blown time. If you can tell by the pic that there may be some attraction there, and you seem to get along messaging and texing, I say go ahead and meet. Why spend countless hours talking to someone with whom there may be absolutely no chemistry?

One other thing is that many people embellish their profiles with hobbies and interests that really don't hold true once you meet them. Many times the pics they post of themselves are inaccurate. I've been told by many men that they are tired of meeting women who are a good 40lbs heavier in person than in their pics. And no, looks aren't everything. But fake pics are a form of lying. I think that's the bottom line on POF. Lots and lots of lies and misleading information. I think it's rather sad. How does anyone expect to have a genuine relationship when they can't even be truthful in a dating profile? That is the stuff that is making me "cynical".

You sound kind of caught between the horns of various dilemmas.

I think your strategy probably should be based on what's frustrating you the most. It sounds like you've tried the strategy of communicating relatively briefly with people and then arranging to meet them, and that hasn't panned out well for you. So it seems that some change of tactics is called for.

The "why spend countless hours talking when there may be no chemistry" is a good argument that you hear a lot on these lists. And there certainly are horror stories about people who developed deep virtual feelings only to find no chemistry on meeting or that they'd been corresponding with a junior high school student. I haven't heard a lot of good reports about dates that occur after a couple of email exchanges, either. I imagine one has to base one's strategy on one's personality and ambitions. I know I have zero interest meeting someone that I'm not quite confident would be possibly a good, serious match (I'm only interested in serious matches).

This was what I did. I emailed and messaged lots of women, very swiftly reducing it down to two or three. I continued writing them for perhaps another week or two, by which point it was obvious that one lady stood out. I then upped the ante to phone conversations. We conversed fairly heavily and exchanged a variety of recent photos for two to three weeks (we lived a fair distance apart, or our meeting would've occurred sooner). Then we were ready to meet.

We met and soon fell in love. We were together for three years, breaking up relatively recently.

That approach worked for me, and it's one I'd continue to use. But then, it's worth noting that I don't live near a large population, so more preparation may make more sense for me than you.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 51
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/5/2011 9:15:37 PM
When I was dating, I went through phases on this. I would get out there and go on dates with an open minded and positive attitude, only to have things not work out a few times in a row and then begin to feel drained and negative. At those times I would take myself off the market and recharge.. and the cycle would begin anew..

I find the whole process to be exhausting to be honest and the prospect of dating again is looking far from tantalizing at this point.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 52
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/5/2011 9:25:52 PM
An underground queen? Not sure what that is supposed to mean, I must have misplaced my decoder ring somewhere...

Let me assure you that if what I truly wanted was some ego assuaging experience, that could quite easily be attained.

I'm not interested in meeting anyone right now, dating or otherwise. Thanks for your very illuminating comments though.
 ZsaZsa23
Joined: 11/20/2011
Msg: 53
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/5/2011 10:07:38 PM
I just know over the last ten years I have had two long term relationships and had the same feeling that I would not meet anyone. It is self sabotaging and it would help if I did not think that way.
 LegendaryD
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 54
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Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/5/2011 11:14:39 PM
After so many failed attempts, I've thrown in the gauntlet.

Heck, 99.9% of users can't even give a simple response.

Ah well, there's still hope.
 FitAt55
Joined: 10/11/2011
Msg: 55
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/6/2011 4:37:52 AM
My goodness...y'all sure don't paint a very pretty picture here. Still - it's just one tool in the toolbox. I still think that the "old-fashioned" way of meeting people that you come across in the normal course of the day to be the best. You can pretty much gauge mutual attraction instantly and then take it from there.

It is kind of strange though - having been involved with various fitness sites where you can chat up just about anybody and can bank on getting a warm & friendly response to a message - the non-responses to friendly, well-mannered messages that one gets here are a little hard to get used to.
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 56
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/6/2011 4:45:27 AM
If I am so lucky to even GET a first date, I got into it with ZERO expectations, and that has served me well.

While I have made some friends on here I chat with from time to time, I don't even bother with the prospects of dating any longer. Too many times I personally have not been given a "fair chance" when I have given them to the other party.

So I am through with dating and relationships and just hang out on the forums and chat with my friends.

 htownmilkman
Joined: 8/29/2011
Msg: 57
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/6/2011 4:59:25 AM
I really dont think you should go on a date with anyone until you have talked to them through email or phone conversation for at least a month.You have to get to know the person see if you have a common interest. I wouldnt go out on a date unless you were just bored and didnt have anything better to do that particular day,but to go out just to see if that person is going to have a love coonection with you is a set up for disaster.Be careful out there.
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 58
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/6/2011 5:35:35 AM
I go through sorta similiar.... this is what causes me to NOT date. I approach dates expecting to be rejected. So, I form an opinion on the date even before it starts. I've only went on dates with maybe 7 from this site and really 2 have not worked out in any kind of way so I have no clue why I feel this way. Maybe because none of them have really worked out FULLY. So, i basically go into it thinking that "it's not going to be a great date and they won't like me" mindset.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 59
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/6/2011 5:44:54 AM

When I was dating, I went through phases on this. I would get out there and go on dates with an open minded and positive attitude, only to have things not work out a few times in a row and then begin to feel drained and negative. At those times I would take myself off the market and recharge.. and the cycle would begin anew..

I find the whole process to be exhausting to be honest and the prospect of dating again is looking far from tantalizing at this point.

I have had the same experiences, on & off...I did meet a few decent guys over the years though...

when I go through the re-charge- this is what I do:

#1- evaluate my choices in as far as who I agreed to meet & refused- maybe my picker was off???
#2- evaluated myself...was I overdressed, too chunky, too thin, too underdressed, etc. did I stay when I should have left & vice versa???
#3- extraneous factors...or stacking the odds in my favors...I am a FIRM believer in "Halloweenie Season" that from prior to Thanksgiving through Valentines Day, the majority of ONLINE attempts will not materialize, so use that time to "recharge" especially where I live-cold dark winters, etc. Another extraneous factor, sort of, is weeding them out...no pics, one word emails, too many pics, epic novel emails, etc.
Also focus on IRL. Alot of people who got fed up w/ the internet turned to singles dances, meetups or just pursuing their own interests.
#4- evaluate your own ad, pictures, even choice of site. There are many sites that are off-beat, geared towards folks w/ specific interests...biker sites, geek sites, S&M B&D sites, christian/catholic sites, BBW, inter racial, etc. Maybe you would be better connected in one of them...and, for booty call, there's always AFF, LOL
 mustardmoon
Joined: 9/10/2010
Msg: 60
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/6/2011 6:45:14 AM
Virtuallylove, I find it fascinating that women are willing to message and talk on the phone with you for a month or more. Recently, I've had guys asking me for my phone number after I respond to them one time. Then they are asking me what I'm doing the following night. Of course I'm not moving that quickly. I usually block guys like that, but I've found that most people want to move fast on this site. For one thing, you can just tell so much more about a person upon meeting them. Their facial expressions, mannerisms, how they treat other people in your presence. Seeing someone in person if very different from talking on the phone or texting and quite frankly, I lose interest in doing a bunch of messaging for lengthy periods of time.

Anyway, alot of you have given some interesting insights and advice. I will definitely consider all of it as I'm moving forward:)

 VirtuallyLove
Joined: 9/8/2011
Msg: 61
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/6/2011 6:52:33 AM
Shakti:

"An underground queen? Not sure what that is supposed to mean, I must have misplaced my decoder ring somewhere...

Let me assure you that if what I truly wanted was some ego assuaging experience, that could quite easily be attained.

I'm not interested in meeting anyone right now, dating or otherwise. Thanks for your very illuminating comments though. "

It could've been worse. You could've been called an "overground queen." They're so much more ditzy, which I don't think fits you well at all.

I detest the very idea of dating. Performing certain rather formalized rituals seems at odds with getting to know someone - which I think should proceed in a more natural manner. Get to know someone, then do fun things with them, has been my motto. To that end, I prefer more intimate settings for the "getting-to-know" period - a walk, picnic in a park, home-cooking, that kind of thing. And lots of bikram yoga and tantric sex, of course.
 VirtuallyLove
Joined: 9/8/2011
Msg: 62
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/6/2011 7:00:51 AM
Hi, Mustard -

Heh...well, if you live in a fairly populated area, I can see where it seems prudent to meet someone sooner rather than later. But let's say you were interested in someone further away? I think you'd want the vetting process to go on a bit longer to make sure it's worth the drive or plane flight. The woman I developed strong feelings for while conversing lived in Canada, five hundred miles away. Since I would be driving/flying, I wanted some assurance that she would be worth my while. And I strongly dislike messaging, by the way.

Also, for me there would be no danger of lots of dating, because I find only a minuscule percentage of women appealing enough to date. But that's me - certainly not most POFers.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 63
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/6/2011 7:27:50 AM
VirtuallyLove:
It could've been worse. You could've been called an "overground queen." They're so much more ditzy, which I don't think fits you well at all.
Lol.. thanks.. I think? But don't forget to worship me like a God, that is what I want after all

I detest the very idea of dating. Performing certain rather formalized rituals seems at odds with getting to know someone - which I think should proceed in a more natural manner. Get to know someone, then do fun things with them, has been my motto.
I totally agree.

The whole fast food concept of dating is a bit lost on me.

To that end, I prefer more intimate settings for the "getting-to-know" period - a walk, picnic in a park, home-cooking, that kind of thing. And lots of bikram yoga and tantric sex, of course.
Tantric sex might be jumping the gun just a tad, lol..
 jennarosa
Joined: 9/8/2011
Msg: 64
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/6/2011 12:18:24 PM
Hi: I am the opposite, I am very much hoping to meet the right man. Most of the time, it doesn't work. I think they want a 20 year old and I am not it. Thanks for listening.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 65
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/6/2011 1:41:48 PM
I never went with the idea of defeat; but I certainly didnt pin my world on the event either.
quickly found that I just didnt mesh here at all. just here for the forums - all to aware of what is out there, that I don't even bother doing it any more. ALL my efforts are overseas.
 mustardmoon
Joined: 9/10/2010
Msg: 66
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/6/2011 5:35:32 PM
Virtuallylove, I'm going to be a bit nosy here. Why would you even want to start a relationship with someone who lived 500 miles away? Being in a relationship is about having someone special in your life that you can see and touch on a regular basis. I'm sorry, but I just don't get the concept of long distance relationships. I don't think I would be at all fulfilled with that life style. But each to his own, right?
 Sniper308
Joined: 10/21/2004
Msg: 67
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/6/2011 6:01:18 PM

Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?


Absolutely.
 VirtuallyLove
Joined: 9/8/2011
Msg: 68
Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/6/2011 8:14:56 PM
Mustard:

"Virtuallylove, I'm going to be a bit nosy here. Why would you even want to start a relationship with someone who lived 500 miles away? Being in a relationship is about having someone special in your life that you can see and touch on a regular basis. I'm sorry, but I just don't get the concept of long distance relationships. I don't think I would be at all fulfilled with that life style. But each to his own, right?"

Well, think of it this way: it's a big old world full of people out there, and there's absolutely no guarantee an ideal mate lives within a few miles of you. How would you choose if you knew your soulmate lived 500 miles away, but there was a pretty decent guy in your immediate area? The pretty decent guy could never give you what your soulmate could, but he would make a decent companion.

A long-distance relationship must be transitional in order to work. You can't live apart forever. It does present some unique difficulties for sure, but finding the right person for life has a way of smoothing such problems over. True, for casual dating, LTRs make no sense at all. But if you're looking for The One, the chances of him or her living next door are pretty scant.
 Tiina
Joined: 6/23/2005
Msg: 69
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Do people approach dating with an attitude of defeat?
Posted: 12/10/2011 10:11:32 AM
I completely agree.
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