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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Girls go first?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 72
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Girls go first?Page 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Dave_of_Indiana:
For men this is the norm. In the last two years I've written, possibly, three dozen women with two responses. Yes, I look at the photo, read the woman's profile and if we have a few things in common will comment. At this point I have ceased trying to initiate first contact .....


Come on Dave, you've been around long enough to know better than that. 36 initial messages in 104 weeks? That is, what, 1 message every 3 weeks? And you call that making an effort?

It only takes me around 10 minutes to read a profile, and write an intelligent message, 4 or 5 sentences including one good question based on the profile. I probably average 10 messages a week, which takes me about an hour and a half of my time. That would be 1,000 initial messages in the last 2 years, and those 1,000 initial messages have led to 40 or 50 actual meetings. Of which I have actually dated about 4.

Don't be a quitter. Put more effort into it, it will pay off. I'm old, overweight, and not good looking, if I can do it, you can. You just have to believe in yourself, and put some effort into it.

Cowboy (a former moderator), and Abelian (a present moderator), have written many times here in the forums, explaining exactly how to do this, how to play the numbers game and make it work. It ain't rocket science.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 73
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Girls go first?
Posted: 12/18/2011 9:34:48 PM
I rest my case.......

cd.......
 TryAgan
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 74
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Girls go first?
Posted: 12/19/2011 1:37:41 AM

...being made single in my 40's has not compromised my moral center...

Can you elaborate?
At what age is the moral center compromised? How is one made single at that age? Any other areas were compromised?
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 75
Girls go first?
Posted: 12/19/2011 6:28:51 AM
If you see a profile that interests you, send him a message. When I was still looking, I often messaged men I found interesting and I have met some outstanding men because of it. Also, in TRW, I never hesitated making the first move when I saw a man who I found attractive. I've found that, in the vast majority of the cases, the men were pleased to have the woman make the first move. It's flattering to them and it's a pleasant change for them not to always be the one taking the chance on being rejected. Besides, most men really like a woman who is confident enough to make the first move. You don't have to come on like gangbusters. Just tell him you read his profile and found it interesting and mention something specific that he'd written. If there isn't much to the profile and it was strictly his looks that attracted you, tell him that you thought his eyes were mesmerizing or that his smile just captivated you. Be honest... don't blow smoke. We all know when someone is giving us a line but a sincere compliment make anyone feel good.

Good luck!!
 54hollywood
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 76
Girls go first?
Posted: 12/20/2011 2:54:18 PM
I like being approached by the ladies. It make me feel good that I am attractive to them! If you see a man on here that you want to know more about ,go for it.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 77
Girls go first?
Posted: 12/22/2011 12:45:46 PM

I'd like to add a note of caution to ForumFilly's post (most of which I agree with). Don't go too gung-ho on saying a gent's looks captivated you unless you are emotionally prepared for the risk of rejection if he doesn't feel the same about you. Keeping a first message on the level of "friendly interest" is the safest course to take when you are iniating contact with a complete stranger whose reaction you can't predict. JMO

Excellent points, ShoreLife! You are sooooo right!!
 NJGuyDC
Joined: 2/25/2010
Msg: 79
Girls go first?
Posted: 12/22/2011 1:42:42 PM
If a guy see's that you viewed his profile and you like him you should let him know simply by saying hi-would you like to chat or email further to get to know one another? A guy does not want to feel like a stalker and figures if you do not contact him how interested could you be?
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 80
Girls go first?
Posted: 12/22/2011 1:42:47 PM
Good for you, nativerock!
 idahogalpal
Joined: 12/23/2011
Msg: 81
Girls go first?
Posted: 12/28/2011 7:02:41 PM
It's been said at least 50 times in this thread, but I'll say it again -
"What have you got to loose???"
 Faithnhope1955
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 82
Girls go first?
Posted: 12/29/2011 7:01:16 PM
Ok so I took your all's advice and I've been contacting men whose profiles catch my interest and it's working out well so far.
I've found that if they aren't interested the majority simply ignore my message. And guess what, I have survived with my self esteem fully intact

I'm also finding out just how shallow and meaningless those flirt messages are (not so much here, but on other sites). One of them (which shall remain nameless) gives people a whole bunch of leering, stupid smileys with canned messages attached. And the men use them! I actually cancelled my membership there, it got so offensive.

I mean seriously...you can't take a moment or two to type out a brief hello and mention something about my profile? Then I can't be bothered to reply to you or or either.
 Rik1961
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 83
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Girls go first?
Posted: 12/29/2011 8:30:48 PM
As far as "Favorites" lists, I highly doubt that most folks realize that the person they've added to their favorites has been notified.

There's very little risk in sending a quick note to someone that says "Thanks for adding my profile to your favorites" (assuming you're interested in them). If they respond with a conversation starter, then you're off and running. If not, you've risked virtually nothing.

As for "why they've not written" there's likely a thousand reasons. I'd recommend dropping a simple note if you're interested and just say "glad you liked my profile". Then see where it leads. If they respond, you win. If not, then you've got your answer and risked nothing.

Good luck, stay safe and have fun.

rik
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 84
Girls go first?
Posted: 12/29/2011 8:36:57 PM
what about those who have put you on their favorites and have not written to you?
should I message them or no?
and I wonder why they favorited me and have never written
any ideas?


You should message them if you like their profile.
Some of us use the "favorite" feature as both a bookmark tool, and as an "icebreaker" since this site has no flirt or smile "icebreakers" to help gauge interest without resorting to a lot of emails that get ignored or never read.
 Faithnhope1955
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 85
Girls go first?
Posted: 12/31/2011 8:55:10 AM

what about those who have put you on their favorites and have not written to you?
should I message them or no?
and I wonder why they favorited me and have never written
any ideas?


I was wondering this too. I do place some men in my Favorites because I'm aware that they will get an email from POF. That is enough of an icebreaker for me most of the time. I would suppose it feels non-threatening to a guy who would like to make the first contact, too.

I've contacted a couple more men this week, and gotten a little conversation going with both. So far it's working out ok, but no fireworks yet
 FloridaLady46
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 86
Girls go first?
Posted: 1/3/2012 7:31:10 PM
[/"More recently, I've found in my "Viewed Me" section several other very-long-distance anglers. Perhaps it's just idle curiosity at work."] (OK this section was supposed to be in one of those little boxes and apparently I still don't know how to do that!)

Sometimes I view profiles from people in the forums and they are very long distance from where I live and this could be a reson why this is happening to you, Shorelife.
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 87
Girls go first?
Posted: 1/4/2012 3:13:09 AM
You need to do first emails for two critical reasons:

1) You have to overcome the short hair in your picture.

2) The kind of men you describe in your profile tend to be the most disreputable and senselessly cruel people around, so you at least should exercise some measure of control over the particular individuals that you communicate with. If you do the selecting yourself then there would be less chance of a random authoritarian control freak slipping past.

You don't want to do it because some milquetoast would be flattered or times have changed. They are too timid to do it themselves and it doesn't sound like you would like that sort very much. As I interpret your wishes, you actually are traditional in that you not only expect him to make first contact but also are more comfortable with a he says and you do kind of arrangement. Beware though! The ideal situation would be to wind up with someone who expects you to obey him but also doesn't issue very many commands. Those are in short supply. You have an overabundance of both dictators and those who shift all decisions to you.

In most instances your kind of guy would contact you first. Online is not most instances. Here is what you actually do:
1) Send the initial emails to whomever you select.
2) Note those who reply and ditch them -- they would all be the ones who are "flattered" Your intended audience are those who don't reply right away.
3) Send a follow up to those who didn't reply within a few days that says something like: "What no reply? Unprecedented! You had better get on the stick before I lose interest." That second message will draw your type of men. Why? It is pure moxie and puts you squarely in his field of vision. No women do that, not ever. Your type likes that sort of thing in measured doses. Since you are the only one doing it, it would be a measured dose.
 KAKI3152
Joined: 5/24/2008
Msg: 88
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Girls go first?
Posted: 1/4/2012 6:22:36 AM
Since the begining of the year, I've (1) Was advised through POF automated E-mail that a woman I found attractive was interested whom I e-mailed (2) E-mailed a woman from South America whom I found among new users and (3) Received a one line E-mail from someone local"Hi".

I've E-mailed them and have not heard a word. So what now? While I can see that the first two may be overwhelmed by hundreds of males clavoring for attention (they would hope), I think a simple reply would be polite.

I've thought about E-mailing each one "No answer, no Interest?"

Also get nice E-mails from women in other states,these are always pleasant.
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 90
Girls go first?
Posted: 1/6/2012 9:38:29 AM

You must get all the hottest girls with that approach!


Actually, I do but that is beside the point because I use an approach engineered for myself. This one was meant for you and your particular circumstances.


But seriously, guys like you are why I hide my profile, you are playin' games


Hiding your profile is often a good idea. Back before I was attached, I did it also but for different reasons. You need not worry about a guy like me emailing you. We wouldn't under any conditions. You appear to be too politically conservative for our tastes. The whole point of doing it first right? Emailing only those you think you can get along with?
 lookin4fun571
Joined: 12/16/2011
Msg: 91
Girls go first?
Posted: 1/6/2012 12:25:06 PM
Go ahead and message someone if you think they might be interesting. I like it when a woman messages me and will reply back to anyone. I have people click on my profile in the meet me section but don't send a message. I don't know whether they may be interested or just surfing around on the site and click yes to get to the next person on the search. sometimes I message first and then get no response back. I would say if you are interested in Knowing more about the person then go for it. (ps: I like adventurous women LOL)
 wvwaterfall
Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 92
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Girls go first?
Posted: 1/6/2012 7:15:23 PM

what about those who have put you on their favorites and have not written to you?
should I message them or no?


As noted, if someone has put you on their favorites list and you find them interesting, there's no reason not to make contact. That's what I do when that happens to me.

But one factor not noted is that many people put so many constraints on their profiles that only people who live within 25 miles, are within two years of their age, and are looking for dating and not any of the other options we might list can initiate contact. Or whatever. There have been times I've put someone on my favorites list I was unable to initiate contact with hoping they might find me sufficiently interesting to waive whichever constraint put up the communication wall for me.
 TryAgan
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 93
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Girls go first?
Posted: 1/6/2012 7:54:45 PM

I have people click on my profile in the meet me section but don't send a message. I don't know whether they may be interested or just surfing around on the site and click yes to get to the next person on the search. sometimes I message first and then get no response back.

At one time, I replied to "Wants to meet you" email, and after a few exploratory emails, she expressed bewilderement why did I contact her. Since then I ignore all those emails. I don't think some pople realize that by clicking on a photo they initiate an email.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 94
Girls go first?
Posted: 1/7/2012 3:03:02 PM

There have been times I've put someone on my favorites list I was unable to initiate contact with hoping they might find me sufficiently interesting to waive whichever constraint put up the communication wall for me.


Ditto.
 Faithnhope1955
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 95
Girls go first?
Posted: 1/12/2012 2:18:00 PM

You need to do first emails for two critical reasons:

1) You have to overcome the short hair in your picture.

2) The kind of men you describe in your profile tend to be the most disreputable and senselessly cruel people around, so you at least should exercise some measure of control over the particular individuals that you communicate with. If you do the selecting yourself then there would be less chance of a random authoritarian control freak slipping past.

You don't want to do it because some milquetoast would be flattered or times have changed. They are too timid to do it themselves and it doesn't sound like you would like that sort very much. As I interpret your wishes, you actually are traditional in that you not only expect him to make first contact but also are more comfortable with a he says and you do kind of arrangement. Beware though! The ideal situation would be to wind up with someone who expects you to obey him but also doesn't issue very many commands. Those are in short supply. You have an overabundance of both dictators and those who shift all decisions to you.

In most instances your kind of guy would contact you first. Online is not most instances. Here is what you actually do:
1) Send the initial emails to whomever you select.
2) Note those who reply and ditch them -- they would all be the ones who are "flattered" Your intended audience are those who don't reply right away.
3) Send a follow up to those who didn't reply within a few days that says something like: "What no reply? Unprecedented! You had better get on the stick before I lose interest." That second message will draw your type of men. Why? It is pure moxie and puts you squarely in his field of vision. No women do that, not ever. Your type likes that sort of thing in measured doses. Since you are the only one doing it, it would be a measured dose.


This post is so ridiculous and insulting I have to believe it's a joke.
 FreschFisch
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 96
Girls go first?
Posted: 1/15/2012 8:56:36 AM
You know what...

I like it when a lady will contact me... and I will ALWAYS respond in some fashion.

There are a lot of fish in this sea and its easy to get over-looked. So I'd say if you are interested.. then you should ask! You just never know!!

Don't EXPECT a response and if you do not get one so what. Guess he wasn't worth your time :)
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 97
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Girls go first?
Posted: 1/15/2012 3:30:40 PM
Women seem to have a better sense of when, where, and how to make that contact and move, then most men do.....and for that alone, I really do appreciate it when they do....

Many, if not most men, are taught by society, family, friends, movies, and social culture, to be aggressive, assertive, and just hit hit hit, show your masculinity, and hit some more.......The chase, the chase, the chase........

I get so tired of seeing it, and watching men that have no clue how to be subtle, how to be reserved, and how to use the same moves most women know, in order the let those of the opposite sex, know that they are interested.

I continue to enjoy letting "girls go first", and I will be happy to share equally with those that let me know that they want me.....

cd........
 FreschFisch
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 100
Girls go first?
Posted: 2/16/2012 3:39:20 PM
Nativerock. I see your point and am tempted to agree however...

I have met women who I had made an initial contact with and gotten no response. A period of time (months) will elapse and they will contact me! Not knowing or remembering that I had attempted prior. I never mention it but something I have been told is that you girls sometimes get so much mail that you will blanket delete them all!

In that regard.. Yeah a response is nice. It is courteous and people on a dating site shouldnt be offended by a "no thank you".

This one concept makes me not like the internet, email, voicemail, and text messaging.. People consider avoidance a response. People will also consider having left a message in one of these formats as being sufficiente. People just dont communicate.
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