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 StraylightRunn
Joined: 11/1/2011
Msg: 2
What does this mean?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)


I feel like a REAL man will say his intentions and what he really wants and how he feels originally.


My response is this, not even by a long shot.

I can't possibly determine what it is about you that has men saying "let's just be friends" while at the same time saying they...uh..want to have sex? Maybe they want friends with benefits?

Time is a necessary piece of information. In what length of time does this occur? Just starting to date? Months down the road? When?


To further expand on the original point.

This is a societal issue. Not just a male vs female one. If a woman wasn't attracted to mystique and intrigue then men wouldn't have any problem being upfront in honest. The men do something that is dishonest sometimes is because that's what works. If it didn't work we wouldn't do it. So...if you continue to get in these relationships where they say "Let's be friends" and you're magically still attracted to them and are interested in them after they introduce this line...stop blaming "MEN" and start examining what it is about your emotional needs that responds positively (towards the men) to this.
 StraylightRunn
Joined: 11/1/2011
Msg: 5
What does this mean?
Posted: 12/7/2011 1:11:52 AM

I do not continue to pick these people...


Uhh


This is a constant and repetitve thing.....


hrm?
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 6
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What does this mean?
Posted: 12/7/2011 1:55:56 AM

What does this mean?

The eternal question from women. Or at least, it seems like that. OP, the common denominator here is you. It means that you're choosing the wrong guys for what you want with them, you're attracted to men who want a different lifestyle than you do. Re-evaluate what you want, and who you expect to have it with. Keep going out with the same types of guys, and your experiences will be the same.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 7
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What does this mean?
Posted: 12/7/2011 4:16:28 AM
It sounds to me to be a very simple, and very obvious result of your particular life choices in your search for a mate. Not blaming you, just suggesting you recognize the human dynamic, so as to better deal with it.

The dynamic is, that they are attracted to you physically at first, as we ALL are when it comes to initiating a mate search. As soon as they begin to get to know you, you let them know clearly that your personal convictions mean there will be no premarital sex.

To calm you down, they suggest friendship, hoping you will change your mind, or that they will discover that you ARE in fact someone they could marry without having sex first.

Then, in the course of the relationships happenings, they have to deal constantly with their own sexual desire for you, versus the ticking clock of their OWN lives, and their own convictions. Thus one day, they will be able to convince themselves to wait on sex, and stay on YOUR course; on other days, they will doubt that the waiting will be worth it, and that you will prove to be relatively anti-sexual AFTER marriage as well; or they may simply doubt that they CAN wait that long.

In other words, you are seeing them openly and honestly trying to deal with THEIR desire for sex now, versus YOUR conviction to wait until marriage. When their frustration or desire is higher than their patience, they will tell you they want to shift to being friends. After they back away a little, that same desire for you causes them to rethink, and try to recommit back again.

Remember, they are surrounded by a society where waiting is NOT common, and where a guy who DOES wait, is thought to be setting himself up for problems later.

If you can see through their confusion (quite a challenge), and you perceive them to be of the quality you seek, perhaps you can be patient with them in their struggle to meet your chosen requirements. If you don't, it doesn't matter how they behave, of course.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 9
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What does this mean?
Posted: 12/7/2011 7:19:33 AM
If you can see through their confusion (quite a challenge), and you perceive them to be of the quality you seek, perhaps you can be patient with them in their struggle to meet your chosen requirements. If you don't, it doesn't matter how they behave, of course.

Igor-What does that mean, that a woman should give in after a few months with no indication of commitment?
 soo-girl
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 10
What does this mean?
Posted: 12/7/2011 7:40:51 AM

pay attention to what a man is DOING, instead of what he is SAYING!
ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS


Absolutely! I have witnessed this myself and found it to be very true.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 11
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What does this mean?
Posted: 12/7/2011 9:17:16 AM
The OP read like multiple personalities contributing 25% of the text each to be honest

Whatever the reasons for the "whatever" (it was so disjointed I wondered if you were "jointed" whilst writing it) they got to know you well enough to want to back out of seeing you

That often happens with relationships as it takes time for someone to show their real personality and aims

Basically you and they arent REALLY compatible

And to be perfectly honest the idea of someone who already has a kid wanting to "wait till marriage" for sex is something I find pretty comical to say the least

Its one thing for two virgins to agree to such a mindset as both are likely to be equally crap in bed. But for someone who has already (obviously) had sex to choose that path massively increases the chance of a LOT of negatives like them being near frigid, non sexual type people that see it as a chore rather than a cornerstone in a relationship

Thats fine if they track down and date other people with an equally low sex drive as they deserve each other. But from what you have said that probably isnt the case here

As youre a muslim isnt there a specialised muslim dating site you can join where there will be more people with your marginal views on sex and relationships? Surely that would up your chances of finding someone compatible rather than continuing to have failed interactions with people who have a more mainstream normal outlook on relationships, sex and marriage?
 purecountrypinkcamo
Joined: 11/17/2011
Msg: 12
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What does this mean?
Posted: 12/7/2011 9:19:40 AM
I think wisemonkey guys has it RIGHT, you have to understand a lot of us men and women may be marriage minded. But you have to date someone awhile to see if that is the person you may want to marry in the future. You shouldn't decide that right away. It takes months sometimes. If they just want to be friends, well then that to me tells you that you're just not the one they wanted to marry. No harm just honest.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 16
What does this mean?
Posted: 12/7/2011 3:10:34 PM
I think it's mostly a religious issue with the non-Muslims you've dated. You say you read the Quran daily, and I'm assuming the celibacy until marriage is a religious decision. You say you want to marry and have family. Let's say you were to marry a Catholic and have kids together. What religion would they be raised in? Would you be OK with your kids being raised Catholic?

Another problem I see is you seem too anxious to get married and have a family right away-almost desperate sounding. That turns a lot of men off if you start talking marriage and kids as soon as you meet them. Like you said, most guys your age are more concerned about having a good time and living a little before doing the wife and kids routine. And many men in their 30's that you're after have kids-kids who are not Muslim. How would that work if you are so devoted to your religious faith?
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 17
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What does this mean?
Posted: 12/7/2011 3:21:20 PM
This is kind of obvious but I dont recall anyone else pointing it out yet

But you are talking about what seems like quite a few DIFFERENT men, with different backgrounds, different life experiences and even completely different cultural and religious beliefs

And yet they ALL do the exact same thing

And the only common thing in the entire equation is you

So I suspect that rather than pondering over whats wrong with all of these totally unconnected different men you might be better off focusing on what it might be about you, your situation, behaviour, expectations or traits that might cause dissimilar people to behave in a similar fashion

A restaurant blaming customers for all getting food poisoning would be a bit silly and that feels like the kind of thing going on here

That doesnt mean youre necessarily doing anything "wrong" or "bad" per se. But it could be something more subtle like smothering them, going from easy to get on with to a weddingcrazed nutter in 2 dates or just slight things in your behaviour or way of life that is either inconsistent to your words or which only a very small percentage of people would be able to put up with

It might not be something you would need to change, but if you could identify what "it" is then it would make you more able to find people it was less likely to affect in the same way

As for the sex thing, theres a LOT more options than no sex at all till marriage OR sex on the 1st or 2nd date which I am sure you know. So that response was a bit inane to say the least and that bipolar type of outlook alone might actually be where the problem lies as its suggests a very narrow minded and blinkered outlook which would hardly be a good sign of a "healthy" sex life AFTER marriage

It would also be an idea to examine what you say about WHY you got divorced and how you actually say it too

As quite a few women would easily put off any sane or even marginally literate man once they start talking about how their last marriage ended without even realising it

So thats a likely candidate
 StraylightRunn
Joined: 11/1/2011
Msg: 18
What does this mean?
Posted: 12/7/2011 6:53:47 PM

Young men are not marriage minded, don't know what they want yet


Uhh..not true. Even if that might be true most of the time don't state it as if it's 100% fact that all young men are not marriage minded.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 19
What does this mean?
Posted: 12/7/2011 7:09:52 PM

Young men are not marriage minded, don't know what they want yet


You are 23 and divorced and in your profile. you say you play soccer with your son, meaning he's not an infant anymore. Assuming you were married when you had your kid, since you don't believe in pre-marital sex, you were probably in your late teens when you got married. I'll make another assumption that your ex is in the same age bracket as you-early to mid twenties. This blows your theory that young men aren't marriage minded.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 20
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What does this mean?
Posted: 12/8/2011 5:17:15 PM
mjinict:


If you can see through their confusion (quite a challenge), and you perceive them to be of the quality you seek, perhaps you can be patient with them in their struggle to meet your chosen requirements. If you don't, it doesn't matter how they behave, of course.

Igor-What does that mean, that a woman should give in after a few months with no indication of commitment?


Not at all. Quite the contrary, in fact. I meant first, that if they fail to measure up to the OP's requirements as human beings, that she would want to discard them for THAT reason, hence she has no reason to tolerate their vacillating behavior.

Second, in the case where she DOES find the man to be acceptable to her in all other ways, she might want to recognize that he IS struggling honestly to comply with her standards. I was suggesting that she accept that it IS a struggle for him, and allow him to do so, not that she surrender ANY of her own standards. In short, don't DISCARD him for his vacillations, rather accept that he IS struggling, and let him stick around and struggle. IF he seems to be worth HER time in other ways.

In other words, I see that she is concerned here about the fact that some of these males are saying one thing one day, and another thing the next. It is quite possible that they are doing that because they are trying to deceive, but I saw another possible explanation as to WHY someone would do as she described.

Lots of people, when asked what they want in a relationship, will be remarkably "here and now" in what they tell you. They will say what they think and feel is true AS THEY ARE ANSWERING. If you ask them during a moment when they are frustrated and feeling physically lonely, and want sexual contact, they might answer that they think you should be friends only (so that they can go freely in search of said physicality). If you ask them again when they are calmer, and more focused on how much they do respect and want to be with you, they might then say the opposite.

Since the OP is living within a larger society wherein HER standards are not the predominant ones, her potential mates will be trying to cope BOTH with her standards, AND with the standards of the rest of the society they live in. Such a split situation is difficult for anyone to work out quickly and easily.

Anyway, just offering an alternative explanation of their behavior, other than what everyone else was saying. What ever suggestion she feels resonates with what she is seeing, she will be able to utilize and apply.
 sinistermidget
Joined: 2/7/2007
Msg: 22
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What does this mean?
Posted: 12/10/2011 4:22:34 AM
I have been dealing with this same problem for the last 4 people I have talked to...and its the same thing...it all sounds wonderful, and I am happy, and excitied to meet with this person...then its, well all over...I have been lied to so many times, and I know part of the problem is I am too honest myself, and I can't discern what is true or false. Like this last guy..he was just nuts about me..then its, well, I just know it won't work out and I am sure you'll find somebody who is right for you...now, mind you, I haven't been on a date even. I had a date once 4 years ago. I have been alone since 1989. I have spelled out exactly what I want...what I am looking for. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Well....I have yet to see it. I am being hurt so bad so many times, I am now questioning my judgement on everything...I have been depressed, because each time, I think I am not being lied to, and I am. And then I get well...I didn't take you out or anything, so I didn't really hurt you...we don't have a relationship, or..I didn't use you because we aren't together....then what's up with calling me every day...saying this and that....I want to be with you...on and on.... Christ!
 Golfer4u2011
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 23
What does this mean? suddenly they say the 'lets just be friends' line....
Posted: 12/10/2011 5:09:37 AM
you're obviously dealing with young boys...20 yrs old or so..their mind changes as much as the wind.
 smsweendoggy
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 24
What does this mean? suddenly they say the 'lets just be friends' line....
Posted: 12/10/2011 5:14:33 AM
It means they got what they wanted and now its time to conquer another quest.
 SireKane
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 25
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What does this mean? suddenly they say the 'lets just be friends' line....
Posted: 1/12/2012 3:52:54 PM
It's hard to tell someone who you are having a romantic relationship with that from here on out we can only be friends. To do so requires a man to summon up a great deal emotional strength that we normally don't exercise. It's a big deal for us. When he says to you that he just wants to be friends with you, he means it. He may recant it because of the impact the words have on you, but he said it because he meant it. Regardless of the reason why, he has made his intentions clear. If you choose to remain with a man who has expressed to you that he just wants to be friends that's on you.
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 26
What does this mean? suddenly they say the 'lets just be friends' line....
Posted: 2/18/2012 6:33:42 AM
re: "The people that disappoint me the most were muslim men"

I've heard they do that.
 talltexblue
Joined: 11/3/2008
Msg: 27
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What does this mean? suddenly they say the 'lets just be friends' line....
Posted: 2/18/2012 6:54:56 AM
If it where me I wouldn't focus too much on the words but rather the actions. Being able to go places together as friends such as to dinner, dancing, movies and not trying to much to be instant lovers is important. Observing there reactions and how they treat you should be the main thing to look for. If you watch these shows about con men taking advantage of woman they say "I'm a CIA Officer and I have to be undercover for several months" should send a warning sign out. Do you believe them because your heart says so? In reality this is his back door to meet someone else placing you on hold. In short rather than focus on feelings too quick focus on his body language and his actions and intentions. Take some time and don't rush into it.
 AllAboutSports
Joined: 8/10/2010
Msg: 29
What does this mean? suddenly they say the 'lets just be friends' line....
Posted: 2/25/2012 1:31:25 AM
Finally!somone with the truth.If a man tells you he wants a platonic relationship,he has already put you into the "friend zone".Is it something you did wrong?depends on a point of view.
It sounds to me like there is common interest there,or he doesnt want to leave you hanging when you have been so supportive of them.My opinion?they must have looked past the eyes and didnt see spark there.but didnt want you to feel less than or inadiquate if you will,so they said they wanted to be friends.beauty can only go so far...if the personas dont mesh then there is no way a relationship will.i think they nip it early,you ask them bout your attraction level,and they say they would go to bed w you but friends is the best option.its pure speculation at this point,but who knows??orrr the one thing that wasnt addressed,and dont take offense to this.YOur kid,could very well possibly be a spoiled brat,like most children now days.And if your like most good women,you dont bring your child around until you know its a serious commitment,and it may very well be.until they meet the kid.If the ki is disrespectful to the mother,and she does nothing to curb this,and usually men wont say it right away,but eventually the subject will be brought up,and if she says anything such as 1.They are really a goo kid,they just miss their dad.2.Disipline doesnt help anything.3.Dont tell me how i should control my kid,its my kid!...and the guy sees its a loss cause,he will be out,this i promise you.but doesnt want to hurt your feelings so says we are friends....not saying thats the cse for you,i just didnt see it spoken of here so wanted to throw that thought out there.
 DarthPhoenix
Joined: 9/5/2010
Msg: 32
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What does this mean? suddenly they say the 'lets just be friends' line....
Posted: 8/28/2012 12:15:19 PM
Your just an option and your sex has lost value pretty much TO PUT IT BLUNTLY!!!!
 TheArtistEric
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 33
What does this mean? suddenly they say the 'lets just be friends' line....
Posted: 8/29/2012 2:24:17 AM
If you are not having sex, then perhaps that is the reason for the change of heart?
 AnAustralianWoman
Joined: 4/26/2012
Msg: 34
What does this mean? suddenly they say the 'lets just be friends' line....
Posted: 8/30/2012 8:20:50 AM
OP Your profile say's quite clearly you are married and not looking for a relationship.
You say you are not niave...sorry honey but you are.....Very.
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