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 chrylann
Joined: 12/8/2007
Msg: 26
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How to Rebuild Trust In MenPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
We can trust men?
 JP1111
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 27
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/7/2011 5:31:44 PM
Yes at times these things do happen. When they do, it puts in serious doubt who you are and what you should do in the dating world. To figure that out, it helps yo ask yourself one question:

Who am I?

Yes, yes, the obvious answer is “I'm me” but, who is that?

If it's happened before and that's something that you still carry with you then, you are living in the past... at the current time. This sheds light on what you future is going to be, no?

The idea is not to just put it aside but rather to create the reality you want to live :)
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 28
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/7/2011 5:46:53 PM
yes JP1111....but how can one be sure that the one we choose is going to be honest?
we really never can, can we? its all about a risk we take for love. we can try our hardest and our best to choose wisely, but we never really have that assurance.
at least that is how I feel.
but when I look back at my grandparents,...they had the assurance. So maybe part of the trust issue is due to the times we live in.
and the new things that are now available to us,...things that make cheating more tempting and easier to hide.
 walkingtall38
Joined: 11/16/2011
Msg: 29
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/7/2011 5:58:21 PM

but when I look back at my grandparents,...they had the assurance. So maybe part of the trust issue is due to the times we live in.
and the new things that are now available to us,...things that make cheating more tempting and easier to hide.


This is part of the problem:

1. Increase in desensitivity
2. Lack of direct communication
3. Breakdown of the nuclear family
4. Material gain over emotional gain
5. Lack of accepting responsibility for one's own actions

Lot play into why things are the way they are now a days. Different times indeed.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 30
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/7/2011 6:12:23 PM

So maybe part of the trust issue is due to the times we live in.
and the new things that are now available to us,...things that make cheating more tempting and easier to hide.


Looking at this part of it I should think OP would feel lucky she is not a man.Many women treat men like cards in a poker game or baseball cards.Feel lucky that you are a woman and try to avoid men who consider themselves a catch OP.
 moonraker1000
Joined: 11/20/2011
Msg: 31
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/7/2011 6:30:14 PM
It is much harder to trust again when you get older. When you are young, you have your life ahead of you and lots of time to heal and recover. When you get older (I am talking over 55 here) you start to think that it just isn't worth putting yourself in harms way any more. One becomes very protective of oneself because many things have to be taken into consideration, especially your health. Let downs, betrayals and loss of love take their toll, not just emotionally but physically as well. You literally cannot afford to take that risk any more. It could mean your life. Caution is definitely the name of the game so it reduces your "odds" of finding a compatible partner.
 kevination
Joined: 11/17/2011
Msg: 32
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/7/2011 6:32:53 PM
first question i got.....how is/was your relationship with your farjer?
 one2makeusmile
Joined: 11/30/2011
Msg: 33
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/7/2011 7:54:42 PM
I was in an abusive relationship for a long time. When we finally called it quits, I was left with heavy debt and no money to start the divorce. I got psychotherapy right away. Then I worked on my boundaries, personal boundaries are the hardest thing to learn. When you are young, but not as easy when you are over 45. I decided to enter the dating scene after 5 years. That was hard to do. I simply say to men who want to meet too soon, " let me think about it." Or the ones who want to do the whole dinner date and dancing routine off the bat. "that doesn't work for me" is a good response. A person needs to earn your trust, and you have to be open and honest as well. Once you establish that bond, then you and him (if that's the case) can build from a solid friendship. It doesn't work any other way.
 AnEvilgenius
Joined: 11/8/2011
Msg: 34
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/7/2011 8:33:43 PM
It's not about trust in others, it's being able to trust your own judgements of others.
 1776or1984
Joined: 12/25/2009
Msg: 35
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/7/2011 10:08:52 PM
OP,

Most people have more of a problem with lying to themselves instead of others lying to them. As in the red flags are all over the place but the person chooses to ignore ro justify the warning signs.

Pay very close attention to the words that people use and ask a lot of questions. If you catch yourself justifying their actions or words then you need to get some distance from the situtation so you can work things out.

Trusting is healthy. Trusting people before you know them is not. Luckily people are very predictable and most of them, even the bad ones, will give plenty of clues if you allow yourself to listen and allow yourself to act when you need to protect yourself.

There is an old saying that I've always found to be true. "You can't cheat an honest man." Even professional con men know this so they usually give before they take and allow greed to suck their mark in.
 TINO47
Joined: 7/30/2009
Msg: 36
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/7/2011 10:57:47 PM
no you cant! pigs oink oink
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 37
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/7/2011 11:13:23 PM
we do enjoy the chip on the shoulder !
Trusting men..... remember - every cheater out there had a partner in it - and SHE was probably a girl/woman/cougar/milf/tramp/tart/trollop/'ho/etc.
It takes two to do the infidelity shuffle -
cheer up - I certainly don't trust y'all so much either.
Maybe time does cure all wounds.... but I prefer a change of venue is more my style.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 38
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/8/2011 1:38:19 AM
I dont think it is about trust as much as self esteem, people give up and accept the liars, cheaters cause they feel that is the best they can do or all they deserve.

Inside you know a man is lying to you but you don't call him on it cause you would rather have the time and attention from a liar than no man. The signs of a player are there, the answering questions with a question, the way they have a smooth line for everything, the way they do small things to tip their hand but know you want to believe so badly that this amazing man is really interested in you, when deep down inside you got all kinds of warning lights flashing and bells and whistles, yet you ignore your good old common sense. You are being played, you know you are being played but most importantly you are letting yourself be played!

So until you solve why you accept a liar in your life to start with you wont be able to trust, you have to feel like you are worth it, you deserve to find that special person and to do that you have to fix the broken part of you that accepts having a liar in your life.

My ex called it, calling your own bullshit and realizing what your part in a bad relationship was, when you figured it out and ignored it cause you didnt want to face what was going on.
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 39
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/8/2011 3:54:52 AM

I am curious to know what exactly you have been lied to about. Your guys fooled around with other women ? Be aware that most men are in relationships mainly because of sex. I would say that is about 90 percent of the reason why men are in relationships. I don't know if that may sound shocking (to women), but if there are problems in that area, men start to do all kind of things that hurt relationships.



Well said moonwalkerman (see post 17).......I couldn't have put that better myself. - don't be surprised of you get asked to turn in your man card!

That being said, I don't trust anyone.....for any reason what so ever. I just rely on myself for what I need.

Don't have to answer to anyone....can come and go as I please, and my house is the way I left it when I walked out the door. - Good, Bad, Messy, or Ugly!
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 40
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/8/2011 5:38:11 AM
Before you can rebuild your trust in men, you first have to rebuild your trust in yourself.

You need to be in a position where you can trust your own judgement about a person. In order to achieve that, you need to know what you will and will not put up with. Spend some time away from the dating scene to rebuild your confidence. Consider what personality traits you do not want in a partner and what you do. Determine what behaviors indicate the traits you do not want for yourself.

I read a great line on one of these threads this week - In order to attract healthy people, you need to be healthy.

It takes strength to be able to walk away from the drama seekers - strength of character for not permitting these people in your life and strength of belief that your own core values are good ones.

Spend some time with friends who treat you well. And seek professional help if you feel that will help you.

We teach people how to treat us and until you know how you want to be treated, it will be difficult to know who to walk away from.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 41
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/8/2011 5:42:06 AM
Before you can rebuild your trust in men, you first have to rebuild your trust in yourself.
-----------------------
Bingo :-) Trust in yourself first before you think of putting your trust in other people. Trust takes time to build.
 pureaussie257
Joined: 11/26/2011
Msg: 42
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/8/2011 6:17:03 AM
I can certainly understand where you are coming from. There is nothing more hurtful when you first begin a relationship and are open and honest only to discover that your SO has lied about certain things that are important.
Usually the SO will lie to make a better impression of themselves or perhaps they are ashamed of what went down so they lie.
Some people talk about why they felt the need to lie, other's won't even admit that they lied even though you know for a fact that they did.
Unfortunately this breed of liar almost always gets caught up in a web and start to believe their own lie's.
If you discover a liar and you confront them and they admit to the lie then depending on the crap they fed you there may be a chance of recovery.
If the liar doe's not admit to feeding you crap then the relationship is not worth pursuing.
I asked my exSO who he was having drinks with and staying overnight with and his response was 'Frank'. A few days later I asked about Frank and my exSO asked 'Who's Frank'.....Turned out his mates name was John and a couple of days later when I said his name began with 'F' he said 'Oh you mean Fred' What the?
 CrazyMazy23
Joined: 11/5/2011
Msg: 43
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/8/2011 11:37:56 AM
Well thank you all for your overwelming responce and i have found everyone of you had something very valuble and helpful to say.. to clear some things up..No i was not cheated on ..well not that i knew of anyway but lying can be just as damaging and painful even if it does not involve cheating..

i think my problem is a running theme indeed..i do pick broken men..and so indeed i need to figure out why..

I would never say all men lie... i believe im to trusting with the ones that sweep me off my feet and then turn out to wolves in ther sheep clothing

I agree that in the past people just had an overwelming sense that all people could be trusted and to not be trust worthy was a piblic and privite failure of sorts and now a days id say there is a great deal of decite , this is what in my opinion makes it very hard to date new men..Because to be honest your guilty until proven not..Its not just in dating its the fear that we all deal with in many areas of our lives..and our hearts are our own private secret worlds into love and trust..and to habd it over is terrifing..so
with that being said..Its a risk..and what i have learned here..it the risk is nessesary..it is worth it and before taking said risk... figure out a new way of picking the men and take a look at why i do. I am very thankful for all your words..
im going to be taking some very good steps to a better me because of it .. Cheers
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 44
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/8/2011 11:59:12 AM
It is much harder to trust again when you get older

So true!

One becomes very protective of oneself because many things have to be taken into consideration, especially your health. Let downs, betrayals and loss of love take their toll

Again...true.

I went through a break up with a man just about a year ago and still have not gotten "my mojo back"...but I will take the time to be ready.
We all are different...some people are instantly looking for another...others not.
I don't think it has anything to do with knowing whether I will have trust again in men..but more with myself..,I should've just listened to my gut at the time.
For me....It has really wreaked havoc on my self esteem...confidence..and we didn't break up..over anyone cheating.
 ShadowschildA
Joined: 10/17/2011
Msg: 45
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/8/2011 12:21:39 PM
The average woman by the time they hit their 30's has been lied to, cheated on, possibly raped at a young age, emotionally sucker punched, told she's too fat, too careless, too childish, to perverted, not good enough bla bla bla.

As you experience the pain of suffering, it drills a hole ever deeper. That hole can be filled with love or hate or whatever mixture you can think of. Just remember, that certain things are out of your control & try to keep a positive attitude.
 walkingtall38
Joined: 11/16/2011
Msg: 46
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/8/2011 12:26:34 PM

The average woman by the time they hit their 30's has been lied to, cheated on, possibly raped at a young age, emotionally sucker punched, told she's too fat, too careless, too childish, to perverted, not good enough


Yes, I agree. They also have to deal with emo vampires that glitter in sunlight too. Highly stressful...no doubt.
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 47
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/8/2011 1:20:51 PM


The average woman by the time they hit their 30's has been lied to, cheated on, possibly raped at a young age, emotionally sucker punched, told she's too fat, too careless, too childish, to perverted, not good enough



.....and THEN they started dating guys

Everybody has had one of them at some point in their lives, but it doesnt apply just to women either, some men too.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 48
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/8/2011 2:00:50 PM
How to Rebuild Trust In Men


You date someone like me.



I'll have ya feeling like you own the world, and ready to treat me or more likely, your next fulltime boyfriend, like a doormat in no time.


 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 49
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/8/2011 3:14:41 PM
Trust me you cant trust men.. Yes i know im a man... you should do what other men do start dating Women. You know that a woman you can always trust.
 --Zen--
Joined: 6/29/2011
Msg: 50
How to Rebuild Trust In Men
Posted: 12/9/2011 3:07:28 AM
Most radical and most beneficial approach would be to date someone you wouldn't normally date. If you see a pattern perhaps there is a cause. Trust issues are hard to deal with. Keep in mind there are your issues and it is up to you to resolve them.
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