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 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 101
He was attentive to another womanPage 5 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
I was certainly not goiing to stay and watch the disaster continue when i got the picture of what was happening.

It doesn't sound like it was such a disaster for him and the other woman.

Perhaps but my original question was about my dates ettiquette

Apart from drinking too much, I can't really see a problem with his eriquette. If I took a woman I wasn't interested in dating (and you really aren't interested in dating this guy), I'd hope she mingled and met some guy she wanted to go out with. Why would I care if I didn't have anything going on with her? Given the circumstances you described, you can't reasonably expect the guy to think you're an item. I've been more of an item with a woman an hour after meeting her, without coming anywhere close to having sex with her, than what you're describing.

And yes i will be sharing my thoughts with him

Given what you've already said, that ought to put the final nail in the coffin if there was still one missing.

Totally agree,you do not flirt with another when on a date.

I have difficulty clling what they did a ``date.'' By the time he spent 5 minutes flirting with someone, he'd already established a relationship with someone else that had gone further than this one has in a year.
 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 102
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 11:57:16 AM
face it..u got traded in for a 'newer' model....let it go..and move on..he just wasnt all that into you...(read the book)..lol..
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 103
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 12:10:03 PM

Oh well! I guess alcohol is an excuse for bad behavior... go figure.


Who said that? Please provide the post number.

OP presented her obviously biased side of her story, since she is portrayed as Little Miss Perfect and he is the Reprehensible Ogre. She let it slip that she’s been treating him like crap and stringing him along for the past year. Oops.

One night he behaves in a way OP hasn’t approved for him, so she decides to flounce out of his life and vilify him in the forums. What a healthy, productive relationship plan.

If he aggressively pursued some young girl, why the heck would he bother coming back to OP? She’s just that irresistible, I suppose.

Can you think beyond contrivances? Some of us can see the other side.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 104
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 12:25:09 PM
Perhaps but my original question was about my dates ettiquette


OP: I question your etiquette more than the guy's. There's no romance in your relationship with him, so it's like a brother/sister relationship. I think what concerned you most is the "Keeping up with the Jones'" appearance. Let me guess what the event was like: everybody there was paired up with a spouse or love interest, and you didn't want to feel like a fifth wheel by going solo, so you invited this guy along as a "date" so that you would fit in with everyone else, even though you have no romantic feelings for the guy. With the guy flirting with a woman there, that blew your cover of being involved in a loving romantic relationship. I think you were more concerned about your image than the flirting. In any other setting, you probably wouldn't care if he was flirting since you aren't very interested in him anyway.
 Xc0de
Joined: 11/29/2011
Msg: 105
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 12:28:57 PM

If he aggressively pursued some young girl, why the heck would he bother coming back to OP? She’s just that irresistible, I suppose.


Can you think beyond contrivances? Some of us can see the other side.


Wow you aren't too bright. He was drunk. lol
People who are drunk don't think clearly. When I was drunk once I didn't know how to get home when all I had to was turn left and go straight. That was it.
 Viper1E
Joined: 11/30/2011
Msg: 106
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 1:48:41 PM

I was hurt but left the event saying good bye to everyone and him included. I am glad to have seen what I saw so:

As someone's date, what're your obligations to that person?


He wasn't your date.

You stuck him and the "Friend's Zone", and now you're shaken that some cutie tried to pluck him out.
 AnotherFreshstart3
Joined: 5/6/2011
Msg: 107
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History
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 2:02:56 PM
The guy is a jerk and you deserve better.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 108
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 2:12:44 PM

If you bothered to read my posts, youd know that i was next to him the whole night trying to be my entertaining self.

I was certainly not goiing to stay and watch the disaster continue when i got the picture of what was happening.

Was the other woman at fault? Perhaps but my original question was about my dates ettiquette

I have my thoughts about her but its not relavent to this post.

And yes i will be sharing my thoughts with him

OP?? Clearly you aren't catching what many are saying. Whether or NOT you were next to him makes NO difference. You're buddies, pals, friends, social partners. Nothing more. Were his actions tacky in nature? Of course. Does that negate the fact you clearly had little to no real interest in him? NO. A year into a "dating" relationship, it should have been WELL established verbally, emotionally and physically what the boundaries were or were not. And you clearly state you only saw him sporadically. You can't mark your territory when you don't have a claim to said territory. It just doesn't work that way. Next time? TALK to the man you spend a year of your time with. You might get an entirely different result when someone else shows interest. JMO
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 109
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 2:55:51 PM
Count your blessings now and move on. Nothing wrong with talking with other people, but the way he went about it all was, like the above poster mentioned, tacky.
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 110
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 3:04:29 PM
A year into a "dating" relationship, it should have been WELL established verbally, emotionally and physically what the boundaries were or were not.

Should it? Who says? Neither of them set those boundaries, or seemed to care to. But, it was still a date and he agreed to escort her.

So you don't want him, but you don't want him to have another woman either.

Where do you get that? They were (by mutual assent) non-exclusive and on-and-off. If she didn't want him with anyone else, she would have had the committment and exclusivity talk (as he would have had with her, if he cared about it).

All I can see here is a guy who got drunk and put the make on someone else AT the event he agreed to escort her to, without gun held to his head. Who cares if it was a first date or an on-and-off/sometimes thing? That behavior is tacky, sloppy, and gross behavior- although only to some, it seems.

As to the above, the "princess", "Little Miss Perfect" "ogre" annd "treating him like crap" comments-- Oh, come on. He has been free to date anyone he chooses for a year. Is it "treating someone like crap" to not have sex with them when they ask? Or do you know this guy has been sitting by the phone pining and begging her for a committed exclusive relaitonship? Wait, she said THEY (ie neither of them) never brought that up.

But there sure are alot of folks here who get up in arms about a woman (and man) deciding to have an on-and-off, non-exclusive dating relationship that went on for a year without sex.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 111
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History
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 3:15:07 PM
I read the OP up to "off and on"....seriously, it makes no sense. When someone does this, it means they'll accept something that's not a genuine relationship or just can't accept that they're not right for each other. It's just not rocket science, people who have long term relationships know when to "fish and cut bait"....ehh..as much as I dislike cliches. They MAKE a decision and stick with it, if you can't do that, then you don't really have anything going on anyway. Of course he's going to be attention to another woman, he's been off with you enough you should know he's not going to commit. The "on" just means either one is tired of looking or some other lame excuse.

As long as you're willing to accept an off and on, expect the same result. It's not rocket science, really!
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 112
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 3:25:42 PM


A year into a "dating" relationship, it should have been WELL established verbally, emotionally and physically what the boundaries were or were not.

Should it? Who says? Neither of them set those boundaries, or seemed to care to. But, it was still a date and he agreed to escort her.

And that in bold was exactly my point. There are NO boundaries unless boundaries are set. And neither of them cared to do so.

But there sure are alot of folks here who get up in arms about a woman (and man) deciding to have an on-and-off, non-exclusive dating relationship that went on for a year without sex.

I had one of those. It was great at that time in my life. Unlike this OP? He and I clearly spelled out our boundaries. Sex was not of interest to me but I was logical enough to realize that didn't mean it wasn't something he may wish to have in his life ~ therefore? He was free to live that part of his life with someone other than me. Which he did. Honest and up-front. To each their own ~ I'd not spend a year of my life dating anyone without some sort of verbalization about where we each stand on things such as other women, but others may not find that important.
 yourstillhere
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 113
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History
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 3:47:50 PM
you`d been dating on and off for a year, and-


He tried to sleep with me a while ago and I explained that we weren't there yet.


you`re just friends. you have NO relationship.

he owes you nothing and had every right to pick up and screw anything that he wanted to, whether in front of you at a party or not.

you didnt want him anyways, at least not until you observed him checking out and smoothing on other women.
 ForumsGee
Joined: 2/26/2009
Msg: 114
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 5:01:53 PM
He went as your friend/escort only.. He knows that there is nothing romantic between the two of you (even though he kisses you EXACTLY HOW LONG DOES HE HAVE TO WAIT FOR MORE?) He saw a woman he was attracted to and tried his luck...you didn't like it because the attention was not on you. He may've been a little crass but I dont blame him for going for it.. You are his friend why should it bother you? Situation was a little awkward for him. He called you after you left probably to see if you got home ok (my friends would do that).

If you have romantic thoughts for him then let him know. You've already confused the hell out of him.
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 115
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 5:06:44 PM

Oh my Lord. I have a hard time believing there are males like that. Forget about self respect or logical thinking, this dude does not possess basic common sense. If such creatures exist I hope it does not father sons.


Right dude. And that`s exactly the kind of all knowing, I`m right and everyone else is wrong kind of attitude that will eventually make people say the same thing about you.
I mean come on, sure, the guy is OBVIOUSLY a moron, because he puts faith into a pseudo relationship that isnt one with a woman who isnt bright enough to ask herself if she`s torturing someone she`s not sleeping with, not dating with and apparently just caring enough to wonder if he is, between parenthesis, half-cheating on her with the girl 15 years younger than she is. I did get the gist of this screwed up thread right in a nutshell, right? And of course, OP aint much better if she`s at wondering that, I`d buy her a pair of glasses, a moral compass, and maybe a couple of barrels of whiskey. Apparently getting drunk opens perspective.
But saying of anyone, anyone, who`s situation you aren`t in that they are stupid disgusting creatures who shouldnt sire children........for all you know that`s the guy teaching your kids in high school all about procreation, he`s a LOT brighter than you, better looking and sleeps with your wife behind your back! Guy probably lost all sense of perspective like it happens to a lot of people, hell to everyone, who`s too close or too into a situation to see it very clearly.
So ease off on the free psych and extermination advice. I think if the guy wants to off himself for being a moron, he already has pretty good reasons to do it... but that was just plain, mean and cruel. And pretty damned full of judgmental bs....
 ForumsGee
Joined: 2/26/2009
Msg: 116
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 5:07:34 PM
btw, I just got back from having a drink with an ex bf who I know still has feelings for me..had he been hit on by a woman (which happened a few weeks ago), I'd be happy for him as I have no feeling (in that way) for him any longer. We go out for meals/drinks but I've made it clear that romantically I 'm not interested.

You should do the same with this guy you use as an escort.
 A_Gent
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 117
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 6:04:10 PM
"As someone's date, what're your obligations to that person?"

To treat that person as if s/he were the centre of the universe.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 118
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 6:37:25 PM

"As someone's date, what're your obligations to that person?"

To treat that person as if s/he were the centre of the universe.


I agree….OP should have treated her date that way.
 Luvincuddles
Joined: 11/20/2011
Msg: 119
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 7:10:39 PM
Your guy/date to the party was rude..good thing you saw this side of him now before moving forward. Theres jerks everywhere and he has no class. Stop wasting anymore time on him and find a good man
 bhri
Joined: 9/22/2007
Msg: 120
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 11:54:34 PM
The obligation falls on the OP. She invited him to a function where she knew the crowd and he was the outsider. So she should have taken care of him. Been attentive to him. He was obviously left alone or ignored for long periods of time. That is why he was talking to someone else. To someone who paid attention to him. It sounds to me like she abandoned him at this party. Maybe he did have a few extra drinks because he had no one to talk to and was bored. A mistake. But it sounds highly unlikely that this guy, who was a gentleman for an entire year (a real man who understands no means no), started to hit on a woman with the OP paying attention to him and including him sitting right next to him.

The obligation is on the OP to make the date feel comfortable and included. She should not have had to hold his hand. But she should not have left him for such long periods of time that he would have had too much to drink and that he would be chatting someone else up. I suspect that he was feeling abandoned and ignored at this party and finally got completely fed up with it. Most likely the OP was the rude party in this whole debacle (by ignoring her date).

OP just wanted to vent. That is what your girlfriends are for. They are there to tell you that you were right and he is jerk. But from what I have read, no matter how skewed you make it, most of this appears to falls on you. Yes, even if he was left alone for the entire party, he should not have gotten drunk. Very poor form. But, if ignored long enough and left to fend for yourself long enough, when someone shows interest in you, it is very enticing.

There is not one post by OP where she acknowledges that any of this may have been partly of her own doing. That she was at all culpable for anything that happened. You really have to look at your behavior, lack of communication, and expectations. You want a man to be a man. What the hell does that mean. Should he be trying to rip off your clothes when you say no? Once you told him to stop, the ball was then in your court. It was on you to make it advance. You would have to give a hint by progressing it forward. Which is not a hint. It is a deliberate act. Yes, he could have tried again at a later date - which a lot of men would do and do politely. But the most respectful and gentlemanly thing to do would be to wait for you to make some forward motion.

Men do not always do the wrong thing. His actions could have been a little better. But, again, I suspect that you are painting him in as much of an unflattering light as you can.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 121
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/10/2011 5:37:29 AM
OP: when you two got to the function, how did you introduce him to the people you knew there: as your boyfriend or as your friend? This is a gray area from what you posted. If he was introduced as a friend, he had every right to pursue whoever he wanted to.

I don't agree with the masses who said the guy should've played the role of boyfriend at this function and act like one, even if there is no love connection with the OP. Many people here (me included) have friends of the opposite sex that we socialize with and have no love connection with. Whenever we go places and do things with our opposite sex friends, do we have to put up a facade to look like we're a couple who are romantically involved? Answer: No. We are ourselves and if we go somewhere together, we are both free to flirt with other people if we're in that position. What gets me is there are so many people who are ready to crucify the guy, but there is no blame put on the woman who was playing along. Who knows: maybe SHE initiated the flirting.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 122
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/10/2011 8:36:10 AM

Is it "treating someone like crap" to not have sex with them when they ask?


It’s treating someone like crap when you admit you “make out” with him…but don’t have the guts to advance it for A YEAR. OP complained about his lack of sexual advancement after she had rebuffed his advances. What’s he supposed to think?! Obviously there is a huge lack of communication. But to complain about HIS lack of advancement, when admitting HERS is nonexistent, is crappy. And childish. I hope I’ve clarified my point fully.

My sarcastic comments were in answer to a specific poster’s sarcasm, which I conveniently and conspicuously quoted.

bhri, you said just what I’ve been thinking.


you didnt want him anyways, at least not until you observed him checking out and smoothing on other women.


 Luvincuddles
Joined: 11/20/2011
Msg: 123
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/10/2011 12:39:31 PM
I reread the post to see if I missed anything the first time. The guy was still considered her date for the night by the poster whether they had advanced in the relationship or not and sexually. I still stand by what I wrote a few lines up. Hes a jerk for what he did and also goes to show how much he valued the relationship he was in.
 AnEvilgenius
Joined: 11/8/2011
Msg: 124
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/10/2011 12:54:35 PM

I reread the post to see if I missed anything the first time. The guy was still considered her date for the night by the poster whether they had advanced in the relationship or not and sexually. I still stand by what I wrote a few lines up. Hes a jerk for what he did and also goes to show how much he valued the relationship he was in.


Ditto!
 Xc0de
Joined: 11/29/2011
Msg: 125
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/10/2011 12:56:18 PM
Sorry but two wrong doesn't make a right there are both wrong. Each lacking respect for each other. OP just wants to vent that's all.
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