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 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 110
He was attentive to another womanPage 6 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
A year into a "dating" relationship, it should have been WELL established verbally, emotionally and physically what the boundaries were or were not.

Should it? Who says? Neither of them set those boundaries, or seemed to care to. But, it was still a date and he agreed to escort her.

So you don't want him, but you don't want him to have another woman either.

Where do you get that? They were (by mutual assent) non-exclusive and on-and-off. If she didn't want him with anyone else, she would have had the committment and exclusivity talk (as he would have had with her, if he cared about it).

All I can see here is a guy who got drunk and put the make on someone else AT the event he agreed to escort her to, without gun held to his head. Who cares if it was a first date or an on-and-off/sometimes thing? That behavior is tacky, sloppy, and gross behavior- although only to some, it seems.

As to the above, the "princess", "Little Miss Perfect" "ogre" annd "treating him like crap" comments-- Oh, come on. He has been free to date anyone he chooses for a year. Is it "treating someone like crap" to not have sex with them when they ask? Or do you know this guy has been sitting by the phone pining and begging her for a committed exclusive relaitonship? Wait, she said THEY (ie neither of them) never brought that up.

But there sure are alot of folks here who get up in arms about a woman (and man) deciding to have an on-and-off, non-exclusive dating relationship that went on for a year without sex.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 111
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History
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 3:15:07 PM
I read the OP up to "off and on"....seriously, it makes no sense. When someone does this, it means they'll accept something that's not a genuine relationship or just can't accept that they're not right for each other. It's just not rocket science, people who have long term relationships know when to "fish and cut bait"....ehh..as much as I dislike cliches. They MAKE a decision and stick with it, if you can't do that, then you don't really have anything going on anyway. Of course he's going to be attention to another woman, he's been off with you enough you should know he's not going to commit. The "on" just means either one is tired of looking or some other lame excuse.

As long as you're willing to accept an off and on, expect the same result. It's not rocket science, really!
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 112
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 3:25:42 PM


A year into a "dating" relationship, it should have been WELL established verbally, emotionally and physically what the boundaries were or were not.

Should it? Who says? Neither of them set those boundaries, or seemed to care to. But, it was still a date and he agreed to escort her.

And that in bold was exactly my point. There are NO boundaries unless boundaries are set. And neither of them cared to do so.

But there sure are alot of folks here who get up in arms about a woman (and man) deciding to have an on-and-off, non-exclusive dating relationship that went on for a year without sex.

I had one of those. It was great at that time in my life. Unlike this OP? He and I clearly spelled out our boundaries. Sex was not of interest to me but I was logical enough to realize that didn't mean it wasn't something he may wish to have in his life ~ therefore? He was free to live that part of his life with someone other than me. Which he did. Honest and up-front. To each their own ~ I'd not spend a year of my life dating anyone without some sort of verbalization about where we each stand on things such as other women, but others may not find that important.
 yourstillhere
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 113
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He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 3:47:50 PM
you`d been dating on and off for a year, and-


He tried to sleep with me a while ago and I explained that we weren't there yet.


you`re just friends. you have NO relationship.

he owes you nothing and had every right to pick up and screw anything that he wanted to, whether in front of you at a party or not.

you didnt want him anyways, at least not until you observed him checking out and smoothing on other women.
 ForumsGee
Joined: 2/26/2009
Msg: 114
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 5:01:53 PM
He went as your friend/escort only.. He knows that there is nothing romantic between the two of you (even though he kisses you EXACTLY HOW LONG DOES HE HAVE TO WAIT FOR MORE?) He saw a woman he was attracted to and tried his luck...you didn't like it because the attention was not on you. He may've been a little crass but I dont blame him for going for it.. You are his friend why should it bother you? Situation was a little awkward for him. He called you after you left probably to see if you got home ok (my friends would do that).

If you have romantic thoughts for him then let him know. You've already confused the hell out of him.
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 115
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 5:06:44 PM

Oh my Lord. I have a hard time believing there are males like that. Forget about self respect or logical thinking, this dude does not possess basic common sense. If such creatures exist I hope it does not father sons.


Right dude. And that`s exactly the kind of all knowing, I`m right and everyone else is wrong kind of attitude that will eventually make people say the same thing about you.
I mean come on, sure, the guy is OBVIOUSLY a moron, because he puts faith into a pseudo relationship that isnt one with a woman who isnt bright enough to ask herself if she`s torturing someone she`s not sleeping with, not dating with and apparently just caring enough to wonder if he is, between parenthesis, half-cheating on her with the girl 15 years younger than she is. I did get the gist of this screwed up thread right in a nutshell, right? And of course, OP aint much better if she`s at wondering that, I`d buy her a pair of glasses, a moral compass, and maybe a couple of barrels of whiskey. Apparently getting drunk opens perspective.
But saying of anyone, anyone, who`s situation you aren`t in that they are stupid disgusting creatures who shouldnt sire children........for all you know that`s the guy teaching your kids in high school all about procreation, he`s a LOT brighter than you, better looking and sleeps with your wife behind your back! Guy probably lost all sense of perspective like it happens to a lot of people, hell to everyone, who`s too close or too into a situation to see it very clearly.
So ease off on the free psych and extermination advice. I think if the guy wants to off himself for being a moron, he already has pretty good reasons to do it... but that was just plain, mean and cruel. And pretty damned full of judgmental bs....
 ForumsGee
Joined: 2/26/2009
Msg: 116
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 5:07:34 PM
btw, I just got back from having a drink with an ex bf who I know still has feelings for me..had he been hit on by a woman (which happened a few weeks ago), I'd be happy for him as I have no feeling (in that way) for him any longer. We go out for meals/drinks but I've made it clear that romantically I 'm not interested.

You should do the same with this guy you use as an escort.
 A_Gent
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 117
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 6:04:10 PM
"As someone's date, what're your obligations to that person?"

To treat that person as if s/he were the centre of the universe.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 118
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 6:37:25 PM

"As someone's date, what're your obligations to that person?"

To treat that person as if s/he were the centre of the universe.


I agree….OP should have treated her date that way.
 Luvincuddles
Joined: 11/20/2011
Msg: 119
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 7:10:39 PM
Your guy/date to the party was rude..good thing you saw this side of him now before moving forward. Theres jerks everywhere and he has no class. Stop wasting anymore time on him and find a good man
 bhri
Joined: 9/22/2007
Msg: 120
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/9/2011 11:54:34 PM
The obligation falls on the OP. She invited him to a function where she knew the crowd and he was the outsider. So she should have taken care of him. Been attentive to him. He was obviously left alone or ignored for long periods of time. That is why he was talking to someone else. To someone who paid attention to him. It sounds to me like she abandoned him at this party. Maybe he did have a few extra drinks because he had no one to talk to and was bored. A mistake. But it sounds highly unlikely that this guy, who was a gentleman for an entire year (a real man who understands no means no), started to hit on a woman with the OP paying attention to him and including him sitting right next to him.

The obligation is on the OP to make the date feel comfortable and included. She should not have had to hold his hand. But she should not have left him for such long periods of time that he would have had too much to drink and that he would be chatting someone else up. I suspect that he was feeling abandoned and ignored at this party and finally got completely fed up with it. Most likely the OP was the rude party in this whole debacle (by ignoring her date).

OP just wanted to vent. That is what your girlfriends are for. They are there to tell you that you were right and he is jerk. But from what I have read, no matter how skewed you make it, most of this appears to falls on you. Yes, even if he was left alone for the entire party, he should not have gotten drunk. Very poor form. But, if ignored long enough and left to fend for yourself long enough, when someone shows interest in you, it is very enticing.

There is not one post by OP where she acknowledges that any of this may have been partly of her own doing. That she was at all culpable for anything that happened. You really have to look at your behavior, lack of communication, and expectations. You want a man to be a man. What the hell does that mean. Should he be trying to rip off your clothes when you say no? Once you told him to stop, the ball was then in your court. It was on you to make it advance. You would have to give a hint by progressing it forward. Which is not a hint. It is a deliberate act. Yes, he could have tried again at a later date - which a lot of men would do and do politely. But the most respectful and gentlemanly thing to do would be to wait for you to make some forward motion.

Men do not always do the wrong thing. His actions could have been a little better. But, again, I suspect that you are painting him in as much of an unflattering light as you can.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 121
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/10/2011 5:37:29 AM
OP: when you two got to the function, how did you introduce him to the people you knew there: as your boyfriend or as your friend? This is a gray area from what you posted. If he was introduced as a friend, he had every right to pursue whoever he wanted to.

I don't agree with the masses who said the guy should've played the role of boyfriend at this function and act like one, even if there is no love connection with the OP. Many people here (me included) have friends of the opposite sex that we socialize with and have no love connection with. Whenever we go places and do things with our opposite sex friends, do we have to put up a facade to look like we're a couple who are romantically involved? Answer: No. We are ourselves and if we go somewhere together, we are both free to flirt with other people if we're in that position. What gets me is there are so many people who are ready to crucify the guy, but there is no blame put on the woman who was playing along. Who knows: maybe SHE initiated the flirting.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 122
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/10/2011 8:36:10 AM

Is it "treating someone like crap" to not have sex with them when they ask?


It’s treating someone like crap when you admit you “make out” with him…but don’t have the guts to advance it for A YEAR. OP complained about his lack of sexual advancement after she had rebuffed his advances. What’s he supposed to think?! Obviously there is a huge lack of communication. But to complain about HIS lack of advancement, when admitting HERS is nonexistent, is crappy. And childish. I hope I’ve clarified my point fully.

My sarcastic comments were in answer to a specific poster’s sarcasm, which I conveniently and conspicuously quoted.

bhri, you said just what I’ve been thinking.


you didnt want him anyways, at least not until you observed him checking out and smoothing on other women.


 Luvincuddles
Joined: 11/20/2011
Msg: 123
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/10/2011 12:39:31 PM
I reread the post to see if I missed anything the first time. The guy was still considered her date for the night by the poster whether they had advanced in the relationship or not and sexually. I still stand by what I wrote a few lines up. Hes a jerk for what he did and also goes to show how much he valued the relationship he was in.
 AnEvilgenius
Joined: 11/8/2011
Msg: 124
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/10/2011 12:54:35 PM

I reread the post to see if I missed anything the first time. The guy was still considered her date for the night by the poster whether they had advanced in the relationship or not and sexually. I still stand by what I wrote a few lines up. Hes a jerk for what he did and also goes to show how much he valued the relationship he was in.


Ditto!
 Xc0de
Joined: 11/29/2011
Msg: 125
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/10/2011 12:56:18 PM
Sorry but two wrong doesn't make a right there are both wrong. Each lacking respect for each other. OP just wants to vent that's all.
 bhri
Joined: 9/22/2007
Msg: 126
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/10/2011 5:12:13 PM

I reread the post to see if I missed anything the first time. The guy was still considered her date for the night by the poster whether they had advanced in the relationship or not and sexually. I still stand by what I wrote a few lines up. Hes a jerk for what he did and also goes to show how much he valued the relationship he was in.

Did you read this:

Ps saw him 2 nights previous to this event and he always kisses me big time on the lips to say good bye. Last night I got the cheeks.

Her SO/toy or whatever he is was thinking this was winding down most likely. That does not justify his behavior (getting drunk or hitting on someone else).
and did you read these

I agree, he has no clue...which is probably why he hasn't been able to close the deal with me since that 1 time.


Yes he cooks for me, makes out with me and that's it, what you want me to do ? Ask him for it? Take it ? I want a man, not a boy.

OP does not care about this person and is just using him. She obviously had no real respect for this man for being a gentleman. A nice guy. If she wanted "a man, not a boy", why did she not just get rid of him. Let him find someone better.

and did you read this

To clarify: I was sitting right next to him the whole night trying to have a good time and include him. I asked him a few time to leave with me but he requested we stay longer, finally I left..

Does anyone really believe this? The guy made dinners for her and did not pressure her for sex. He had many make out sessions with the OP. If she was paying this much attention to him and trying to include him in her evening, then why would he be chatting up any other woman? For whatever reason, it sounded as though this guy was in to the OP.

I stand by my original position. That most likely she brought him there and then left him alone. She did not perform her obligation (which was mainly hers) to include him. Then she was upset that someone else was talking to him and giving him attention.

I am certainly not justifying drinking too much. That is just poor form. But one mistake like that does not make a jerk. As far as talking up someone else. Well, I don't know if this other woman showed interest or if he started it. He probably should not have done that. Maybe the OP was ignoring him the entire evening. I certainly do not believe that she was paying attention to her date.

They were both wrong. But the majority of the blame lies with the OP IMHO.

Yes, I write long posts. But that is because it is hard to justify my opinion, which appears to be much less popular, that culpability mainly lies with the OP. That OP needs to take serious stock of herself and her behavior before she labels someone else a jerk and tries to flame him (where he can not even defend himself).
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 127
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/10/2011 5:42:23 PM
I stand by my original position. That most likely she brought him there and then left him alone. She did not perform her obligation (which was mainly hers) to include him. Then she was upset that someone else was talking to him and giving him attention


I think you're probably right.

People who abuse their pets hate when you come in and treat the pet with love and respect.


Maybe the OP was ignoring him the entire evening. I certainly do not believe that she was paying attention to her date.


Probably.

He was there to be there for her when, and only when, she needed him.

and tries to flame him (where he can not even defend himself).


Only way some people know how to win a fight. Have the fight when the other person's not even there.



I think you may have pinned the proverbial needle on the proverbial donkey
 Pasionlatina529
Joined: 8/5/2011
Msg: 128
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/10/2011 5:46:32 PM
IF he did this in front of you...can u imagine what he's done behind your back??? Damn..
 kcladyz
Joined: 8/7/2009
Msg: 129
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/10/2011 5:50:30 PM
A year and no sex? maybe he thinks your not in a relationship but just friends?
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 130
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/10/2011 6:05:09 PM
Looks like OP's date just finally saw the light about her.Just taking advantage of the guy.A whole frickin'year and no sex?Obviously getting laid is of no importance to her....good luck finding a man who will take you seriously,better yet join a knitting club.

EDIT.I see you live in Montreal.It is a miracle you found a guy to date you for a year under those conditions.Don't expect another one.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 131
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History
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/10/2011 7:36:37 PM

As someone's date, what're your obligations to that person?


Seems to me, you two are not even really dating, you happen to bring him to one of your functions.

He has no responsibility other than be nice to you. You got bent out of shape because he did not pay enough attention to you apparently. We are only hearing one side of this story.
There's usually three; yours, his, the truth.
 Sparkledustpajamas
Joined: 12/3/2011
Msg: 132
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/10/2011 8:02:26 PM

We went to an event about 60 people, some I knew. At our table was a young woman who caught his attention and it seemed that she was fighting off the urged to succumb to his attention, maybe because I was there. He 45, me 40, she 28

Around 12 I was fed up and wanted to go, he had had too much to drink and wanted to hang around, drink water and sober up. I saw that as an excuse to sound more time chatting up the new person. I decided to leave. (Towards the end of the evening, he was catering to her more than to me, pouring her glass, ordering bottled water for her etc...) I asked him if he'd be open to staying to sober up even if I left to which he said yes.

I was hurt but left the event saying good bye to everyone and him included. I am glad to have seen what I saw so:

As someone's date, what're your obligations to that person?


Unspoken obligations notwithstanding, if I were in your shoes, I would have given the girl a wink and said, "All yours, Sister."

Good riddance.
 Julietsdestiny
Joined: 12/6/2011
Msg: 133
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/11/2011 7:02:03 AM
So let's see, you have been dating this man on and off for about a year? You have not yet had sex with this man, don't see him all that often, have not had the exclusive talk?.....Your a friend...That's it.
Why do people confuse 'seeing' with 'dating'?
It was rude that he was in fact your date for the evening so his attention should have been on you.
I too would have left the venue only a lot earlier, why wait around until he is too drunk?
A similar thing happened to me only I was living with (8 years) and engaged to my ex man when I caught him giving a 'friend' a goodnight kiss at an event we both went to.
I just asked some people sitting at a table nearby to tell my ex fiance that when he has finished his goodbye to this woman where to find me. Strangely enough he cracked the shi*ts with me when he showed up 15 minutes later!!!
I don't believe in if you go with them you leave with them. Who needs to put up with this type of behaviour?
 Steveentexas
Joined: 11/25/2011
Msg: 134
He was attentive to another woman
Posted: 12/16/2011 8:56:40 AM
Well most older men are attracted to younger women, I think its just normal and if you and he where not a actual couple you are just merely two friends who went to a party. I think people need to realize if you are attracted to someone don't you think other people might be attracted to the guy or girl you are with. People seem to think they are the only ones attracted to that person. The real issue is the guy was drunk and was trying to sober up with showed responsiblity. Also she could have been the same age as you and he could have been attracted to her. Maybe there was just something about her that attracted him to her. Something maybe you didnt have. But if you are looking for a relationship thats something you should have talked about. You can't blame a guy for being attracted to another women when you are not dating him in the first place.
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