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 moonbeamlover
Joined: 5/3/2014
Msg: 56
Unsolicited profile advicePage 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I have not sent advice unsolicited, but if someone messages me and their profile is overhwelmingly toxic or negative or they assume rejection before the first response I will give advice on "lightening" the tone of it.

I recently heard from a guy who had very positive emails, but INCREDIBLY toxic I hate people who do a b c d e f g h i j k l m n's...

so all women who do a b c d e f g h i j k l m n, keep the f away from me.

and he wondered why he was getting hostile email from "judgmental women".

I said maybe they felt attacked based on his portrayal of their type in his profile, and that the judgmentalness was not just them towards him... since his profile, (unlike his email which was very positive) was incredibly derisive, isrespectful and judgmental. I said I was just observing a possibility as a friend, not judging or attacking, but if he said what he liked rather than what he didn't he would not get that defensive of emails possibly, IF he wanted to avoid them.

I then proceeded to get called a judgmental bleep and a bitter disappointment as a person... I guess life will have to go on LOL
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 5/24/2014 4:05:28 PM
I don't think that I've ever sent (unsolicited or otherwise) advice or even critiques or reviews of someone's profile. If I see something that's critque-able or dumb in some way, I might laugh or shake my head or something, but I don't send them a message telling them that I approve or disapprove of something...

However, in certain cases, every once in a great while I will ask a clarifying question. For example, I'll see a profile which says at the top anything to the effect of "don't want a relationship of any kind/nothing serious/only casual/no commitment/etc" and the profile will begin by re-emphasizing "no commitment, don't want any kind of relationship, nothing long term, nothing serious" etc. But then the profile provides all of the descriptors about wanting just one man so they can stay together a long time, who she can depend on, to live and share and love...and all kinds of things which sound quite "serious" and long-term-ish and commitment-oriented, let alone describe a "relationship" pretty definitively.

So I might send a message to just ask a clarifying question. "Hi : ) your profile says that you don't want anything serious at all [or whatever applies in each case], but in the rest of your profile you say that you want [copy-pasted abbreviation of the applicable points in her profile]. I don't understand how you mean all of that...what is it that you'd like to find?" (And this isn't necessarily to be rhetorical to her either. It's sometimes to genuinely maybe gain more understanding of how people are.)

But another example, which might be more "rhetorical" in my motivations, is when I seen a profile which says "I want a man for who money is no option." So I messaged, referring to this line in her profile, and asking "How do you mean that? Money is off-limits? It is not an option that I or we can choose...or something? I'm wondering if you mean 'money is no object' instead."

She responded with "I mean that he doesn't have to worry about money." So I replied with "Oh. You mean that you're really wealthy then, and you'd take care of him (?). Ok cool."

On a related note...I do wish that I could still create threads still, because I'd submit for profile review. I don't care so much for "help" with my profile, but for some reason mine apparently is one of those which just provokes thought and reactions from different extremes or depths...and I've since figured out that it'd be entertaining but also discussion-provoking to put my profile in the review threads.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 58
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 5/24/2014 6:12:10 PM
For ME, bottom line is that unsolicited profile advice is a waste of time IMO. If anything, giving it would tend more to attract unwanted attention than to be productive/useful. I've probably posted as much on the review thread as any other member and the SOLICITED advice...for the large part is either discounted, argued with...after a little experience under your best, you get the sense of those that actually want "advice"/help and those that either want some attention or affirmation...pat on the head...yeah, yeah...your profile is wonderful, I wouldn't change a thing.

I've become a lot more jealous of my time (resource) and how it's spent (invested). If I wanted to be entertained and on the internet, tons of options for that, I'll go through my DVR for Comedy Central or other shows I've recorded.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 59
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 5/24/2014 10:45:09 PM
Oh yes, I've gotten unsolicited "advice" or "critique" from both men and women, saying that my pics were "suggestive" or "slutty", and that I was pointing at my crotch (I'm not, I just placed my hand on my hips or thigh, for the love of Christ. I had one up in a very modest bikini (for European standards anyways) and oh my, you'd think I'd posed as a Hustler model. Good grief. Also apparently taking selfies is "cheesy". I have no clue why some people have to spew their opinions without being asked, but I have my theories.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 61
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 5/25/2014 10:31:01 AM
It has happened to me before. The majority of the time, it was about one of my pictures. I took it with a grain of salt.
 Nj2ut
Joined: 11/5/2012
Msg: 62
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 5/25/2014 10:58:18 AM
I've only done it once and it was more about a pic than the content. One woman had a pic of her and a friend sitting on a couch at club in skirts. You could see the friend's panties in the pic. Not sure how she missed it. I felt weird about mentioning it because it made me look like a perv. I wanted to be a gentleman about it. The pic is gone but I didn't get a response.

There's another one who has five pics up and five are here in tops where her cleavage is quite pronounced . She's even tilted forward to put the focus on them. The kicker is sex is listed as an interested but she doesn't want messages from guys about sex. I've wanted to point out the obvious but it's not my place.


And the "I'm back again", "not looking for sex, no players", "if you're looking for a Barbie". ...there's been a few times where I've wanted to send them a link to profile review.
 gingham7
Joined: 7/26/2014
Msg: 63
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 9/7/2014 7:43:58 AM
On Match, a woman made a comment to one of my friends about not answering the astrology question.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 64
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 9/7/2014 4:25:27 PM

On Match, a woman made a comment to one of my friends about not answering the astrology question.


When I was on Match, I rarely looked at that question.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 65
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 9/7/2014 4:49:44 PM
I once received an unsolicited email that said "you don't scare me"-
is that some kind of advice?
LOL.
Cindy O
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 66
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 9/7/2014 6:59:20 PM
It's interesting when a poster comes into the forums and complains in another thread about how men often ask her for additional photos showing more skin. When I suggested in so many words that this could be because she was posing in a provocative manner in all of her many photos---giving these men the idea that she was sexually uninhibited, I was accused of giving "unsolicited" profile advice.

Nope. It was "solicited" profile advice. If someone is going to constantly complain in a public forum about how disrespectfully they are treated by men and how men are only after one thing---they need to understand that in doing so, they open themselves up to public scrutiny and judgment. Some of it might sound harsh---but there are usually kernels of truth to be found there---IF one is open-minded enough to see them.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 67
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 9/7/2014 8:49:42 PM
I've only provided unsolicited profile advice after receiving a message from someone that turned me off.

1) She's wearing saran wrap (tight fitting something) and boasting she wants a man of the world. A leader. I asked her if she had any business attire??

2) She's got cleavage shots in all her photos. I tell her she must be getting a lot of lewd messages. She says she's meeting a lot of players. Duh..

3) Typos. I politely tell her that she has typos in her profile. Not a bad thing per se, but I do it because I care.

4) Any comments whatsoever about guys being cheapskates on dates? Honey, you just opened up the gates to hell. I will write her a personal manifesto about what a gentleman deals with online.When I'm done messaging her? She will have no uncertainty that I am not interested in seeing her.

Finally. I'm not a prude. I know the ladies want to attract a man, but...I am very turned off by lewd lingerie shots and R rated pics.

Assuming all men want you for sex first is shallow. I can only imagine the garbage you get in your inbox, and I refuse to compete with it.

Show some class!

Rant over.
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 68
view profile
History
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 9/8/2014 1:30:29 PM
A few months ago, I came across a woman’s profile in which she mentioned that she was working on her Ph.D and yet her education level was “some college”; upon further examination, it became obvious that she was serious about the doctorate and she had made a mistake when filling out the form, so I sent her a message informing her of the mistake and that it was important to correct it because education level is a searchable characteristic, and leaving it with “some college” would lead to the types of men she was most interested in probably leaving her out of their searches.

She responded with a very enthusiastic “Thank-you,” and I replied, then she replied, then I replied, then she replied... it eventually became obvious that she was interested in meeting me, but I had not originally written her with romantic interest in mind -- I was just trying to be helpful . She was definitely attractive and had a great profile other than the mistake and sounded like somebody very dateable to me, but I felt like the dialogue was going nowhere as her responses were very sparse, and she lived an hour away, at a time when I was all wrapped up in film festivals, and sometimes she’d go days without responding, which usually is a sign of lack of enthusiasm or a woman juggling too many men, so I eventually just gave up on her. That was one of only two dialogues (that is, more than a couple of responses) I’ve gotten out of anyone on this site this year, and all because I tried to help her with her profile.

A long time ago a woman sent me an email that was obviously a form letter – the only one I’ve ever received. I responded by telling her such things were discouraged on this site. She responded with “That wasn’t a form letter, I wrote it specifically for you.” I was like, whatever, and let it drop. (Obviously I was not attracted to her at all, or I would have responded initially very differently.)

No woman has ever sent me “profile advice.” In fact, there is almost no proof that any woman who has sent me a first contact email even read my profile – nearly all of those emails (besides that form email) have consisted entirely of “Hey.” I’m actually even surprised to hear there are women who do that. I thought most women on this site feared contacting any man for any reason if they aren’t interested in dating said-man.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 69
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 9/8/2014 1:47:50 PM
Interesting. With this last version of my profile, in which I have stated that I am not looking, then when to state that I am here only for the forums, I have gotten women to give me advice, or that I need to be more positive, or have a photo with a smile. And so on. So I had to block them, because I got tired to explaining any of these things to these people.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 70
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 9/8/2014 2:04:04 PM
Interesting. With this last version of my profile, in which I have stated that I am not looking, then when to state that I am here only for the forums, I have gotten women to give me advice, or that I need to be more positive, or have a photo with a smile. And so on. So I had to block them, because I got tired to explaining any of these things to these people.


You're more likely to run into these issues when you state something in your profile that isn't congruent with your current status or intent, and your profile isn't hidden from searches.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 71
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 9/8/2014 3:46:01 PM
I don't mind advice if I've messaged someone and they are responding.
But I don't like it when someone just feels the need to send me a message
specifically to give me advice on my profile....I just don't respond, I already
don't like them.

Come to think of it, I can't think of any circumstance where I enjoy
"unsolicited advice." I might take constructive criticism in the workplace..
depending.

I figure if I send someone a message and they're reading my profile, then
any comments and/or advice they feel the need to share is something I opened
myself up to.

How I take anything anyone says to me is directly related to how I feel about
the person. When advice happens in person, I usually don't have to say anything.
If I don't like it, it's almost like "F OFF" is tattooed on my forehead...conversely,
if I do like it...you'll know by one of my other animated responses.
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 72
view profile
History
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 9/8/2014 4:09:45 PM
I've been advised to show more cleavage. Um, NO, that will not get me what I'm looking for!
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 73
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 9/8/2014 4:34:29 PM

You're more likely to run into these issues when you state something in your profile that isn't congruent with your current status or intent, and your profile isn't hidden from searches.


Yet, I press the button that is supposed to hide your from searches and still shows.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 74
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 9/8/2014 6:41:42 PM
Yet, I press the button that is supposed to hide your from searches and still shows.

------

I've hidden mine too, yet people still send me messages or forum posters comment on it. I thought hidden meant hidden, like on OKC.
 NDTfan
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 75
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 9/9/2014 5:45:14 AM
I get messages like this allllll the time. They're second only to the hi/hey messages.

The other night I got "Have some respect for yourself and stop showing your body"
"Your legs look like weiners" , "You think too much of yourself" and "Your standards are way too high"

The hilarious thing is that I left the pics up for this very reasons. The control freaks, sl*t shamers and horn dogs reveal themselves pretty much right away.

Interestingly, most of those men are in their 50s, have huge pregnant bellies, sport outdated goatees, look 5-10 years older and ALWAYS list themselves as "average" body type

Naw dude. Not even close.
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 76
view profile
History
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 9/9/2014 6:08:02 AM
"You're more likely to run into these issues when you state something in your profile that isn't congruent with your current status or intent"

I would say that pretty much describes the first situation I just mentioned, though it was obvious the inconsistency wasn't intentional and neither of us was rude about it -- the most important thing with sending unsolicited advice is to not be rude about it, though some people will always assume any unsolicited advice is rude, so maybe I just got lucky. (Though not lucky enough.)

One thing I would never do is send someone unsolicited advice that I was actually interested in dating (and thought I had a remote chance with). Because that's stupid on so many levels -- you can end up offending them, or you could actually end up helping them get a date with another person.

"Interestingly, most of those men are in their 50s"

You are 36. POF has a +/- 14 year maximum age difference for messaging. That would mean the oldest guy that can contact you is 50 -- so nearly all of these men contacting you in such a manner are exactly 50 and this has been happening only since you turned 36? Unless you're saying, they're lying and claiming they are in their 30s or 40s but are actually in their 50s (and look 5-10 years older still).
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 77
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 9/9/2014 7:15:27 AM
The situation never presented itself when I was using POF for dating.
By that, I mean that I never received random "advice" or thoughtlessly blurted recommendations myself.

There were POF messages where I was approached by a nice woman. We would chat back and forth for a few messages. I would then advise a childless woman that I did not wish to have kids since her profile indicated YES to that question and my profile indicates NO for the same topic. My experience has been when one person wants a child and the other partner does not wish to have offspring...it tends to not go well.

Some would respond that they didn't wish to have kids, yet felt the need to respond YES to attract a man. My subsequent advice is that they should put whatever is the most truthful thing they believe. Paradoxically...I couldn't become interested in someone in their mid-40's who is wishy-washy on such an important topic. That would obviously be a two-way street as it equally impacts both genders.
 NDTfan
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 78
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 9/9/2014 7:20:36 AM

Unless you're saying, they're lying and claiming they are in their 30s or 40s but are actually in their 50s (and look 5-10 years older still).


That's exactly what I'm saying. Either Newfie men age a lot faster than the rest of the world, or there are a lot of 40 year old geriatric patients.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 79
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 9/9/2014 10:04:20 AM

if you are are looking for women the youngest you can search for is your age -14 this rule is only in effect if you search for women under 35. Women 18 to 21 can only be contacted by men under 30. (not fully implemented yet)

Women who are 18 come to the site to find people to date, they don't come here to find "friends" with men in their 50's. Over all for young women its just a horrible user experience as for some of them over half their messages are from men double their age. This change only effects 1.7% of first contacts between users on the site but it will make a huge difference in terms of female perception of the site.

This is in the "message restriction" thread, and it is from Mr BigFish, Our Flounder, Markus.
As I interpret this, the age restriction only applies to women under 35?
In which case NDTfan would not fall under the "protection" of the "-14" rule-IF I am understanding it correctly.
Cindy O
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 80
view profile
History
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 9/9/2014 10:22:58 AM
ladyc4: That was the original rule, but if you dig through that 500 mile long thread, you will discover that Mr. Big changed his mind several times (especially after the cries of sexism), and eventually settled on +/-14 for all people (both genders), which really annoyed quite a few female forum regulars as they could no longer contact each other on the site. However, the rules are a little different for 18-21-year-olds in that they cannot be contacted by anyone over 28, nor can they contact anyone over the age of 28. At least last time I checked. But that said, some people have claimed recently that they were contacted by someone outside the +/-14 age range but they could not respond. No one could verify that, and we believe they may have thought a "Meet Me" or being added as a favorite was contact, when they are not, but it could seem that way to the site novice.

Actually, you can test this yourself -- attempt to send me an email and see what happens. And you do have to get to the point of clicking "send" -- it will allow you to compose a message, it just won't go through (the biggest annoyance of this rule -- you shouldn't even be able to compose a message before getting the warning that you can't message that person).

BTW, I accept NDTFan's explanation on what she was talking about. The way it was worded could be interpretted differently.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 81
Unsolicited profile advice
Posted: 9/9/2014 10:39:48 AM
Hawking
There are several fairly recent references-by a mod-to "message 16", so perhaps it was reverted back to the original
set of restrictions?
I did try the email test and it didn't go thru, so perhaps it is an across the board thing, although I can recall getting emails from men more that 14 yrs older than myself AFTER the restrictions were put in place.
Or, perhaps NDTfan is being contacted by men who are stating themselves to be younger than they are. I heard there was quite an outbreak of 40 yr old men who turned out to be 50, even 60+, after those restrictions were instituted.
Cindy O
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