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 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 2
informing dates of other prospects Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
If someone ever told me I needed to step my game up if I really liked them, I'd have to pick myself up off the floor from laughing so hard. And then I'd bid them adieu.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 3
informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/23/2011 1:03:36 PM
^^^Gotta agree with that. I'm not sure I could say that, or hear that with a straight face.

Do I tell someone I'm talking to or meeting others? Not specifically. If they ask (and that's odd in itself) I'll tell them I'm talking to different people but so far nothing's come of that - or that I'm not seeing anyone special. I never ask as I assume all people I'm talking to are single and therefore talking to others - it's part of the dating process. For some though, I guess they feel asking will help them in some way.
 Pretty RI Lady
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 4
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informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/23/2011 1:05:38 PM

Hey there fishies! I just have a question....or several. When you are dating multiple people, do you think it's a good idea to let the others know that you're seeing other people?

Not DETAILS about the other person or dates you've been on, but just subtly letting them know that yes, you do have competition and yes, you MAY want to step your game up if you really like me.

I know there's a fine line between letting one suitor know of another suitor (it can either backfire or LIGHT their fire, lol) but what have been your experiences with this? Do you let the other person know? What would be a good way to inform them?


Good question. I'm pretty up front about it; it's even in my profile. How many guys are going to be up front, though? And really, is it anyone's business?

Question for you, slpboo. Do you believe it's ok to have sex with any of the guys that you're casually dating?
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 9
informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/23/2011 1:31:06 PM
I always assume a woman is meeting/dating others starting out,
so don't need to be told that.
If you go on more than two dates with a guy,
mention it then.

and keep in mind if any guy has to "step it up" to date you...
his is the wrong guy.
The right guy will naturally already be "up" there.
So it would be bad form to needlessly string others along.

good luck.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 10
informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/23/2011 1:32:02 PM
but just subtly letting them know that yes, you do have competition and yes, you MAY want to step your game up if you really like me.

Well, if I really really like you (circa Sally Field), and you have all those other guys, then guess I have to offer a trip to Paris for lunch, or maybe the weekend.. Or the Hotel Del.. That up high enough?

Would be nice to know my position on the ladder.. Kinda like tennis ratings...
 Pretty RI Lady
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 11
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informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/23/2011 1:33:25 PM

Pretty RI Lady asked me if I thought it was OK to have sex with men I'm casually dating. If I want to and he wants to then, yeah. Put sex into this equation and yes, I think it is completely necessary to tell the other person so they can take the proper precautions to protect themselves (or stop seeing the person they're having sex with if they're not comfortable with it).


Thanks for replying.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 14
informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/23/2011 2:04:17 PM
when you are going out on "'first dates/second dates" , nah - it isn't anyone's business...

i mean really you should believe that the person you are asking out or taking out is a person of value adn that means others want to date them...


now, at the point where I get to where I want to be exclusive with one person, then I"ll just cut off all others...

when I get asked the qeuestion....""I'm nor MONK if that is what you wanna know- but ya I wanna get to know ya...""
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 15
informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/23/2011 2:48:22 PM
Going on the first couple of dates with someone you meet via a dating site, I believe it's pretty much understood that this is not in any way an "exclusive" dating scenario.

No need to dwell on it or rub it in, as that could very well lead to them (as you put it) "stepping up their game". And that is not really what you want, no? Wouldn't you want them to be as natural, as themselves as can be on the first couple of dates to get a chance to feel out as much as possible about they are about?

If he asks you, sure, tell him, but I would bring it up out of the blue, as, per above, the more naturally themselves the better!
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 16
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informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/23/2011 3:01:42 PM
This certainly DOES sound absolutely dreadful.

The question about how openly one should be about dating multiple people has been asked and answered many times already. That would make this a redundant thread from that angle.

The idea that you want to make your various suitors mud-wrestle for you, or perhaps bid for you as though you are a prize cow, is also as old as gold-digging and the sort of pseudo-prostitution that has masqueraded as searching for the "best" mate for many centuries.

My question for anyone choosing this strategy would be, once you FIND said mate, who "stepped up their game" in order to secure your exclusive dating privileges, how will YOU manage to keep them around? Will you marry them, and then flirt with all sorts of others, in order to KEEP him in his A-game mode? Will you continue to date him, and use other guys as bait, dating a few of them to keep him working hard?

If not, why do it in the first place? To see if he can jump through some hoop of yours, so that later in life you can regale others with stories about how you made him dance like a monkey for you?

In short, I think it shows a fundamental lack of respect, not just for guys in general, but for the guy who you CHOOSE to be with (also for yourself, if you want to get subtly psychological about it). You are making yourself the hostess and the prize in your own personal Gameshow. If you do that, be prepared to be treated as what you've portrayed yourself as, by the "contestants."
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 18
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informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/23/2011 3:15:28 PM
Personally I'd want to know early on, preferably on somebodies profile so I had the option of not wasting time mailing them in fhe first place

I dont have a problem with the idea of multiple dating per se, and wouldnt advocate that people shouldnt do it

But at the same time its not something I would want to do personally, and I wouldnt really be interested in meeting somebody who did. So I would want to be "informed" either early on in email exchanges or preferably by it being stated on the profile
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 23
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informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/23/2011 4:55:16 PM

just subtly letting them know that yes, you do have competition and yes, you MAY want to step your game up if you really like me.

even the least clever player knows you don't even need to be dating anyone else to work this con.

Weed out the ones who aren't all that interested or who are possessive/crazy!

she thinks this tactic actually GETS RID of the possessive/crazy ones.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 25
informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/23/2011 6:08:34 PM
Put in your profile that you intend to date men casually until you meet the one you want to be exclusive with. That will let men know that you multi-date. You can also reiterate it to them in e-mail conversation. This was the way I dated, and I met the perfect man for me.

It might scare off guys who prefer to date sequentially, i.e. one woman at a time, but that's okay, since in all likelihood, these men wouldn't be a good match for you. I personally found many of them wanted to move too fast. Multi-dating allowed me to pace myself, since I wasn't sleeping with any of them until I met the guy who is now my current partner.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 27
informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/23/2011 6:45:29 PM

I think that's completely unnecessary and I think it sends the wrong message.

It would be like a guy saying..I masturbate until I am ready to start having a sexual relationshp with a woman, then I save it up for several days (which I do) so I can be that much harder and blow a bigger load.


I disagree---it never stopped men from contacting me. It really depends on how it's worded. I explained in my profile that I was newly divorced, and that I was just interested in casual dating for the time being, but that I was open to developing a more serious relationship if I met the right person.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 29
informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/23/2011 7:28:44 PM
One who needs multiple dates comes off as insecure IMO- like they can't be alone & need a "stand-in" until the right one comes along

to me someone who doesn't do all that dating is more secure & sincere & much more of a relationship material person

i prefer dating a man from real life who is not on the net trolling...old world men w/ calm, quiet confidence who know what they want-one woman at a time who wants one man at a time
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 33
informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/23/2011 8:17:38 PM


bLondeDeviL12524:One who needs multiple dates comes off as insecure IMO- like they can't be alone & need a "stand-in" until the right one comes along


You're entitled to feel that way but I think you're being rather shortsighted.

Have you dated for a while? If not, once you get out there and start wasting all your time and effort on one guy and then meeting him and realizing he's not for you.. and doing it a few more times.. you'll start to realize.. "hey my time is valuable, there are lots of deceptive people out there and also lots of nice people with whom I just don't click, and life is short and I don't want to be on the dating site forever so the only thing that makes sense is to expose myself to several potential relationship partners at a time and weed out the ones that just don't do it for me".


I fully agree. Let's face it---we aren't getting any younger. Dating statistics show that the average woman will date 127 men before she meets the one. If she dates only one guy for one month on average, dating sequentially would mean she'd have to date for 10 1/2 years to find the one!

In contrast, a woman who multi-dates 4 or 5 men at a time, will meet the right man, and become exclusive with him in two years. This was my experience. I think it applies equally to the men who choose to multi-date rather than date sequentially.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 37
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informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/24/2011 8:43:41 AM
Halycon_Skies, that number you quoted, 127, made me curious. It sounds way too big. I don’t think the average person, man or woman, dates 127 different people in their entire life. I went looking for your source, and found an article in Essence magazine. It looks like you quoted them literally, without giving credit. The problem is, they give no source for this number, and I can’t find it anywhere else with a Google search. I suspect they just made it up. You did know that 87% of statistics quoted on the internet are made up, right? (And yes, I just made up that “87%”) (smile)

Article from Essence:
http://www.essence.com/2011/05/13/6-reasons-to-date-more-than-one-at-a-time-
relationship-advice-paul-carrick-brunson/#dating_takes_time




The average woman will date 127 men before finding Mr. Right. Assuming the average number of months you date each person is 1 (this is a very conservative estimate), dating sequentially would mean an average of 10 1/2 years of dating to find your beloved!

Now, let’s look at the aggregately dating woman. Based on my suggestion of dating up to 5 people at once, and assuming the same 127 line of men mentioned above, at an average of 1 month dating per man, it would take this person only 2 years of dating to find “the one.”
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 38
informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/24/2011 8:50:17 AM
First of all, I would never actually say, "You need to step up your game," that's rude, immature and tactless. My initial post had multiple sentences in it and people took that one too literally. SMH. Perhaps it was worded wrongly but people also read, pay attention to and interpret what they want to.

Thank you for the people who gave thought-provoking, insightful responses and didn't resort to making insults or incorrect judgments of my character (which speaks way more volumes about you than me).


Whether you intended it or not, the suggestion that someone should step it up came off as selfish and arrogant. It wasn't just that statement. The entire gist of your question was whether this tactic could prod the men you're dating into doing more to please you.

My opinion is that this would backfire. First, any guy with half a brain would see right through it. Second, any increased effort you do get would only be temporary. Eventually, they'll get comfortable again.

It goes without saying that anyone who is not exclusive has other options and may exercise them at any time. This goes both ways (you're not the only game in town, either).
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 39
informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/24/2011 9:15:17 AM
Halycon_Skies, that number you quoted, 127, made me curious. It sounds way too big. I don’t think the average person, man or woman, dates 127 different people in their entire life. I went looking for your source, and found an article in Essence magazine. It looks like you quoted them literally, without giving credit. The problem is, they give no source for this number, and I can’t find it anywhere else with a Google search. I suspect they just made it up. You did know that 87% of statistics quoted on the internet are made up, right? (And yes, I just made up that “87%”) (smile)



Actually, I didn't get my figure from Essence, but from another source. A few other sources put the figure at 27 rather than 127, so it might be a typo---however, I've personally had dates with more than 127 men in my lifetime, so I went by the 127 figure.
 valleyguyaz
Joined: 11/13/2008
Msg: 40
informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/24/2011 9:30:58 AM
the problem i always have on this site is i either have no women contacting me or i have 3,4,5, or more contacting me at the same time.

i don't really like to make multiple dates with several ladies at the same time(even though i have done this in the past).

sadly i usually end up not going out with anyone(that has been the pattern i have followed the last couple months)

i would personally not care either way if a woman did this to me but i can see things from the other point of view as well.




 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 41
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informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/24/2011 9:48:12 AM
Until you are talking and becoming exclusive, privacy is the best way, or it looks like you either do not care, or are trying to potentially use jealousy as a tool with your relationships.........

I will say though, that honesty is the best course of action if you are sleeping with more then one person, and they should know that you are sharing bodily fluids with others and all their lovers too. It does not matter if one is using a condom or not, if one is being sexually active with others, those others should have the choice of wanting to join you or not!

So.....date away, that does not bother me, but do not sleep away with anyone without letting me know, so I can make my own decisions about sleeping with you...

cd.........
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 43
informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/24/2011 12:03:29 PM

My average while dating online was 1.5/week, so had it taken 127 dates to find someone, that would have been 84 weeks or about 1 year and 8 months. However, 127 sounds like a lot for real life dating.


I clarified in post 48 that the 127 figure might be inaccurate and it might actually be 27, however, I have been on dates with over 127 men in my lifetime. This includes those I went out with only once.


Really? As I noted above, I met on average, about 1.5 women/week and I only dated 1 person at a time. I just happen to be decisive and don't waste time on second dates unless the chemistry is there. I can't see how going on more than 1 date with multiple people could be more efficient.


Going by your kissing method, I could see why dating sequentially would work for you. I would give a guy a second date if he didn't kiss me on the first date, since some men don't kiss on the first date. However, if it hadn't happened by the second date, I figured there wasn't enough chemistry, and wouldn't see him again, even if he asked me out a third time.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 46
informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/25/2011 4:45:23 AM
all that mass dating tells me is that the person is not mature enough to be discerning & not smart enough to figure out where to find someone they like
 CapnRHHNY
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 47
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informing dates of other prospects
Posted: 12/25/2011 5:29:44 AM
I suppose that in large cities, one could get away with this kind of narcissitic, uncaring, free and flirty life style - dating multiple people at the same time. That's not for me. I'm old fashioned. I prefer to actually get to know another person before jumping to another. It's sort of being "grounded" in whom I am and not taking advantage of others emotions. But hey, it's a me, me , me - instant gratification world we now live in. Pull up to the McDating Restaurant: "yeah....I'll have a petite brunette, maybe a buxom blonde....oh and a firey red head on the side with extra condoms please.
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