Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 mysterywoman999
Joined: 3/13/2011
Msg: 27
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I suppose there is grandma's side of the story as well, and perhaps her adult children have not done well by her , either. However, I am pretty sure the fault cannot possibly lie with young children, so why take it out on them? Any kid who is going to be in my home on Christmas is getting a present, relative or no....

I wonder what was the point of opening her home on Christmas when clearly the spirit of the holiday was quite absent from her heart.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 28
view profile
History
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/26/2011 12:19:13 PM
The son does not care enough about family to marry the mother of his children so I am assuming the acorn has not fallen far from the tree. Grandmas is getting exactly what she raised...self centered selfish kids.
How many other Grandparents are in the picture and buying gifts? The real fathers, the mother's and now your friend is supposed to pretend the extra kids are hers too and get them Christmas presents? I realize they are only little kids, and I would certainly buy them presents. But I also understand where she is coming from.

They are not her grand kids and her son is extremely selfish to expect his Mother to feed a large group without contributing as much as a container of ice cream at Thanksgiving. He makes no effort so your friend probably figures why should she?
Again, it is not what I would do. But I get it.
 SunDevil_in_SC
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 29
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/26/2011 12:39:14 PM
I like what Igor and Carol have mentioned. There does seem to be a wave in this country where there is some resentment by those of us in "our" generation about having to take care of our 25 year old kid who plays video games down in the basement. With the economy the way it is, I can appreciate the situation that the 25 year old kid may be. However, there is a part of this that screams within our generation, "Ok, we raised and sacrificed for our kids ... when does it get to be our turn?" Especially when they just show up on the doorstep on Christmas Day and say, "Ok, where's dinner?" And so I get that.

But I also agree with Carol (and others) where this definitely didn't seem to be the best forums to vent such frustration. Also, our generation has to remember that we were helped (in some way) when we were younger ... but it has been over twenty years since then, and so we forget. Besides, the kids had very little to do with this: their parents may be the biggest freeloading ingrates in the world, but the kids can't help that. So, in that situation, figuring that I have the finances to cover the gifts and presents, I would have done it ... and it would have been nice if she did too. If she had paid for this in the past, this just comes across as some sort of financial blackmail.

Finally, the only thing that I would chime in on is that this would be the *WORST* time to leave a friend. Look, it is easy to be with our friends when they are in the right, but what shows a friend is when we are willing to stick with them when they are wrong. I'm not saying that you give her a "high five" for stiffing her grandkids ... but if she has been a good friend beyond this situation, then be there for her. I've found that when I do that for my friends, they've really appreciated it ... and over time always come back to their senses.

Even though I am an engineering by profession, really my job is to be a technical advisor for a manufacturing plant. There are times that I wish I could just speak, flash my credentials (ie. "Look at my Masters degree from Purdue!"), and then my words become law there. That *NEVER* happens and would never work. What I do is if asked for advice, I give my opinion once. Then I leave it alone. If they ask for follow-up, then I give my reasoning why. Also, if I think a better course of action is warranted, I steer conversation to the point that *THEY* are the ones that come up with the idea/conclusion ... and I just lean back and say, "Hey, that's a good idea." (Someone in Sales knows what I am talking about here ... :) ...) But the *LAST* thing that I do is state my opinion and say, "Take it or leave it," and walk out the door. That just doesn't work since it doesn't result in what you desire.

Hope that helps.
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 30
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/26/2011 3:58:35 PM
I suspect there is a whole lot more to this story than the OP's opinion (yes, I call it that because the OP hasn't and most likely won't put the whole story) of her friend.
 cin____dy
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 31
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/26/2011 4:15:31 PM
It is sad, Christmas is about joy and giving what you can. She is a mean old lady with and selfish, unhappy, self centered person. I know of many people like this. You can't change them.
 Rain587
Joined: 7/9/2011
Msg: 32
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/26/2011 5:03:14 PM
Sundevil, leaving a friend like this most likely stems from several other incidents and this is the last straw as in my case.

We don't know everything about grandma and most likely the OP doesn't either - only what grandma has allowed her to see but anyone that can hurt innocent children is self-centered and just hurtful.

In my case it's been the same controlling, deceitful, hurtful mess and I tried to stick it out but you just can't be friends with someone that has no idea how to be and don't care to try. She has always been given anything she wanted and even thinks men only leave her because they fall in love and it scares them.

We can not blame dementia or other age related ailments. We do not know her age and being a grandma does not mean old. I was 36 when I got my first grandbaby.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 33
view profile
History
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/26/2011 5:05:46 PM
I think she is someone her son, his gf and all the kids should avoid. She's damaging these kids, it's not right, kids deserve to be loved and to feel safe when with family, blood related or not. I could never do that, children are just kids they don't need grandma's obvious issues. And I could not be this woman's friend either, I'd have to tell her what I think and cut her out of my life.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 34
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/26/2011 5:08:18 PM
. She is a mean old lady with and selfish, unhappy, self centered person.


Either that, or her family is just" selfish, self cenbtred, lazy, folks who feel entitled to rape grandma continually at will.

There's alot fo that aroudn from the "everyone gets an A" crews.

My aunt cooks dinner; but all the other ladies join in on everything else; AND bring parts of the before snacks and after snacks. Us men get off easy; but we're mules for whichever lady asks and WHENEVER whichever lady asks.



We can not blame dementia or other age related ailments


Bah; that;s just the easy way out without addressing the actual issue. (It's like prescribing therapy and pills......it's the cop out route)


The parents have a temptestuous relationship & are struggling financially so her giving the kids even a token gift would have meant alot.


This I can agree with.

Bust the parents balls; leave the lil cubs out of it. (They're innocent)
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 35
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/26/2011 5:10:56 PM
Grandma is 53...I emailed a few folks privately w/ more details that I was not comfortable posting... sorry...
 SunDevil_in_SC
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 36
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/26/2011 5:33:22 PM

Sundevil, leaving a friend like this most likely stems from several other incidents and this is the last straw as in my case.


Well, Rain, I can appreciate this ... and really what I said was:

but if she has been a good friend beyond this situation, then be there for her.

If this is a pattern, then yeah, people sometimes are just bad and I see nothing wrong with leaving that situation. However, if this is abnormal behavior, then be a friend for sometimes stressful situations like family bring out some weird behaviors within ourselves.

The only thing that gives me pause was that when I was a kid, I don't recall always getting Christmas gifts from my grandparents. I sure hope that the kids parents didn't give the impression that they were entitled to get gifts from their grandparents. However, if I was the grandparent, I would have given some gifts and made dinner ... this is one of those situations where when the kids grow older you wish you acted differently.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 37
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/26/2011 5:50:11 PM
I wouldn't want to walk on the same side of the street as a person that could do that to little kids.It doesn't matter if she has felt a little used at times...welcome to the club.If you can spend your money on slots in Atlantic City with loser bf's you can have some kind of gifts for small children at Christmas.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 38
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/26/2011 5:59:00 PM
while I often remind myself that it takes all kinds to make a world, and that there are at least 3 sides to this story-I note the OPs comment that she is drawing away from this friend due to this and other similar behaviors...and I think that is a smart move, so that the OP doesn't get hurt when somebody drops a house on Granny Grinch.
Cindy O
 hotmerlot
Joined: 11/3/2011
Msg: 40
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/27/2011 6:50:32 AM
Who could begrudge buying food for their family? This is disgusting!

I would have loved the opportunity to fill my house with food and gifts for my children and their families, but they live on the other side of the country.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 41
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/27/2011 7:19:25 AM
I am sure that to some I appear a 'grinchy grandma' this year.. and.. I could care less if that is the case.

I am there for my kids and grandkids all year through, to me it is absolutely senseless to drop thousands of dollars at this time of year to 'keep up with the Jone's' or whatever. To be honest I'd like to get the whole family together next christmas and volunteer at a soup kitchen or something.

I am taking a trip right away so I downsized on gifts a great deal this year. But it is the first vacation I have ever taken in my life and since I have always been there for them, they are more than happy to see me go and to have received less in the way of monetary things.

It all boils down to the relationship. Maybe there is more to the story than you are aware of? If not, than I could see why you are feeling disgusted and would probably back away from the friendship myself.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 42
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/27/2011 9:19:21 AM
Ever since reading this board for the first time; I keep having this song go through my head.



Grandma got ran over by a reindeer........

 NarcissusTemple
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 43
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/27/2011 10:03:08 AM

PS_ I posted this under "relationships" cuz it is about her relationship w/ her Grandkids & her son...

What is the purpose of this thread?
As quoted, this is an issue between her and her family.
What good is it to air her business here?
Do you need a quorum to decide whether to drop her as a friend?
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 44
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/27/2011 10:24:55 AM
I think she was Grinchy to her Grandkids....do you???
I also have been backing off my friendship w/ her, as she is all about herself & I find her very draining. I do not burn my bridges behind me, & I can say she is a fun person, but this is SHOCKING behavior IMO...
PS_ I posted this under "relationships" cuz it is about her relationship w/ her Grandkids & her son...


This interests you because it touches onto an issue of yours you may not be consciously aware of. You don't want to burn bridges for your own benefit of having a FUN friend trumps not saying anything or standing up for the well being of these kids. She confided in you, and most likely not to many others about this situation. That gave you a responsibility to do the right thing of telling her it SHOCKS and disturbs you she could be so insensitive and partial to her grandkids.

If i had been in your shoes i would have told her i'm surprised some loser boyfriend is obviously more important than her own grandchildren and she is hurting the other kids who are not blood related to her. I'd say grow up or go get some professional help at growing up because i don't want to be around you if you continue to treat innocent children maliciously. Start loving all the kids you son lives with or don't ever call me again. Surely there's enough love inside you somewhere to buy an inexpensive toy for all the kids.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 45
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/27/2011 10:29:11 AM
all about herself & I find her very draining.
u can't rationalize w/ an irrational person
that explains how it works w/ alot of people, not just her
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 46
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/27/2011 10:30:20 AM
if she's so irrational how did you manage to go out and have fun with her before? grow some balls and stand up for innocent children. Even irrational people listen when someone gets up in their face about being a bad parent or grandparent. She may not act on it now but it is stored to memory and one day when enough people embarrass her she may change simply for the sake of her ego and appearances.

Blondedevil, my intentions were to bring your attention to the obvious, what others can see and you can not....... for your own self-awareness, and for the well being of the children. There was nothing malicious in my posts for you to report to the mods. Take a deep breath, i meant you no harm, i suggest next time in a similar cirucmstance speak up for what is right.
 SunDevil_in_SC
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 47
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/27/2011 11:01:14 AM

What is the purpose of this thread?
As quoted, this is an issue between her and her family.
What good is it to air her business here?
Do you need a quorum to decide whether to drop her as a friend?


Actually, I think the OP has a valid question here. I don't consider it, "Is grandmother mean," more than, "If you had a friend being this mean, what would you do? What are your limit, and what would make you stay beyond those limits?"

Blondedevil, I think LotusTemple has a point ... and it was something that I was thinking about this morning, really. Look, you don't owe it to stay in a friendship with her, and I do understand that it is thoroughly draining to be in a situation like this. However, as I mentioned it is good to stay in a friendship for a friend, it might be just as valuable to stay engaged for the sake of her grandkids (and maybe her kids).

Sometimes we as friends can touch a chord that relatives can't ... we can give a peer review of the situation. If at the very least, it is worth trying ... after all, if it doesn't work, what is going to happen - she's going to stop being your friend? You're already planning on doing that ...

If you want to walk away, I completely understand ... and there is the mess of getting into her business more than maybe you want to, and I can thoroughly appreciate that. But, really, the only reason why I could see myself get into a situation like this is if there were children involved. After all, I don't think I could just walk by in a shopping mall if someone was thoroughly beating their kids right then and there ... but that is just me.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 48
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/27/2011 11:48:21 AM
I've tried & you only know the tip of the iceberg...google narcissists or narcissism...i've talked to her till i'm blue in the face...she has no concept of anything but herself...i cannot change a person like that...a good therapist & 100 yrs of therapy can't either...it's all "me, myself & I" w/ her, she uses people like objects...I only started seeing this recently & this was just the last straw...

toxic friendships have held me back in the past, no wonder I've taken a respite from dating... i just cannot deal w/ sick behavior anymore, whether it is from a man i date or a woman i am friends with...
 BettyMcFattttyPants
Joined: 12/9/2011
Msg: 49
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/27/2011 12:20:11 PM
The problem with giving our honest, heartfelt evaluations & opinions on most of your threads seems to result in getting them banned/reported when they don't agree with your views and opinions. You seem to take many of the suggestions as a way to bash or insult you.
(And it may just be me, but it seems like most of the people you tattle on are female.)

There are some people on the forums who are going to be frank and perhaps not as tactful as others, but that doesn't necessarily negate the good advice they gave/give.

I agree with the other poster that this thread is a little uncomfortable, especially with you e-mailing others with more details. I'm going to take a wild guess and say that those people are the ones who agreed with you. ( btw-I feel she was wrong as well, but I do not want any more information.) It's akin to slander, in my opinion, and how good of a friend are you if you are wiping her rep all over a website, publicly and privately?!

Making innocent children suffer for her anger at the adults makes no sense. I don't care how much fun she may be, I wouldn't want to befriends with a vindictive, cruel person such as you've made her out to be.

I come from a large, kind of disfunctional family, but no one has ever made the kids suffer for our issues with each other.

Before I get off my soap box, I would also like to add that even if she didn't have the $$, she could have bought the kids fun, inexpensive toys at The Dollar Store or Good Will. The GF's kids should have been included. I can not fathom sitting there at ANY hliday with gifts for some kids, but not all of them. How hurtful that would be.

Oh, and before you report or retort, this wasn't written to hurt you. Maybe you could just step off your pedestal, sit back for a minute and remember that these forums are for opinions, advice and comments that may not always be in your favor or what you want to hear.

Oh, and P. S. I've read some of your rude/flippant comments to other posters. People in glass houses...
 NarcissusTemple
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 50
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/27/2011 12:33:18 PM
Actually, I think the OP has a valid question here. I don't consider it, "Is grandmother mean," more than, "If you had a friend being this mean, what would you do? What are your limit, and what would make you stay beyond those limits?"

I have a lot of respect for your perspective, Sundevil, and normally would concede.

But as other posters are mentioning, OP doesn't seem to want a spectrum of input, only a chorus of agreement.
She cherry picks replies to report to mods and responds privately, then says she's tried telling her friend her POV to no avail.

In that case, then what IS the point of the thread?
Certainly not to gain a perspective that differs from hers if all she does is report those views as abusive when, in my opinion, they were not.

I've been reading this thread since it was created and initially had nothing to add other than agreement that her friend's behavior is abhorrent.
The worst of it isn't the gift non-giving, but unfair treatment among the children throughout the year.

But now as the pages progress, the intent of the thread is questionable.
I suspect grandstanding, not an honest inquiry about a valued friendship.
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 51
view profile
History
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/27/2011 12:53:41 PM

The problem with giving our honest, heartfelt evaluations & opinions on most of your threads seems to result in getting them banned/reported when they don't agree with your views and opinions. You seem to take many of the suggestions as a way to bash or insult you.
(And it may just be me, but it seems like most of the people you tattle on are female.)

There are some people on the forums who are going to be frank and perhaps not as tactful as others, but that doesn't necessarily negate the good advice they gave/give.

I wonder what the proportion is of men/women who post regularly. It doesn't matter what the topic is under discussion, someone is always going to either disagree or play devil's advocate. As for it always being other women that are 'tattled on' - well, nearly any woman who disagrees with or says something negative about a ma (or men) will for sure be accused of being a man-hater or bashing men. BTDT, not going there again, no way no how.

I've alwalys felt that children are a gift to treasure, and Christmas is for children. My own mother was dicey, to say the least, about how she treated her own cnildren and grandchildren. The first grandchild got the outings, the real presents, and so on. The rest - she was 'too tired' to take them anywhere at all, and it wasn't long before all the gifts were broken toys from Goodwill. None of the grandchildren left (the oldest one died some years back) ever paid much attention to her after that. They'd have all preferred some attention or one real toy that worked, to a bounty of broken and used things. Even the somewhat spoiled oldest one figured out what was going on before she started school, and began refusing to go anywhere with Grandma if her younger brother and sister couldn't go, too. So none of them went anywhere after that.

I'd love to see my own grandchild, but it's verry unlikely to happen in the foreseeable future. He's about to turn 1, this is his first Christmas, and while I get tons of photos, it's just not the same as being able to actually hold him. But over the years I've also enjoyed my friends' children and grandchildren, and many of them still keep in touch. I just got a card from one of them, her whole extended and blended family's photo as the card itself.

If I had a friend who actually thought it was okay to disappoint children like the one the OP described, that friendship would be so done. But I can also see how such a friendship would begin, being neighbors in the beginning. Even so, it would never have been a close friendship on my part.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 52
view profile
History
A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!
Posted: 12/28/2011 6:32:08 AM
^^^I agree.

For the others who've also been accused, I cannot see that there has been one incidence of what the OP has recently been alleging. To be sure the OP under previous incarnations/handles here did have some 'dust ups' with some of the 'regulars', from time-to-time in other posts/threads, but nothing written here has been a slam against her on any level imo. The 'friend' or the subject in OP has been the legitimate target.

Kari's post reminded me about my own times in two blended families and because of that, I am completely sensitized to children within these 'new family' settings and how treating all the children as equally as possible is important. Grandiose presents for some and less-so for others, or presents for some and not for others, I've seen it all and see that kids really do have a hard time processing this---their rationalizations for why these things happen to them can be quite upsetting.

I've also noted a couple of rather interesting recent posts to this thread paraphrasing-->my time is now, I've given a lot/done a lot/been there done that for years... If that's true in this case -- terrific! I've no problem with that whatsoever, however it would have been smart to give everyone else a heads-up in this instance.

The time to discuss a new way of engineering Christmas Day ( a day full of expectations...for everyone) would have been to relay that information well prior to it, so that the parents could have then managed the expectations of their kids accordingly. No one I think is begrudging anyone from managing their budget and time as they see fit.

What's most disturbing in this thread is reading that someone could take such glee in anticipating the hurt and shock she thought would happen to her own children and grandchildren....really, at her own hand.

On friendship? I know that so cunning a woman, with such a cold heart to her 'own', could never be a friend to me. If one cannot treat their own blood relatives and do their best towards their own young ones, I certainly have zero confidence in their ability to be there for 'me', a mere friend.

There's always a way to make someone's life a little better and not worse---'Grandma', of all people chose 'worse'. I have no time for an adults with their adult rationalizations for whom it's 'all about them', when tiny beings and their feelings are in the cross-hairs.

edited
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > A Grandma Was The Grinch!!!