Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 185
Hidden meanings behind giftsPage 8 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
I wouldn't describe your friend as a "gold digger", my feeling in reading it, and from others is she is simply not happy with his gifts, which might be described as ungrateful.

The problem with threads is that when people write them, they expect X, then get Y and add more information to achieve closer to X.

To me your additional information merely accentuates the lack of communication between them. IF they have dated for 3 years, IF the gifts benefit him, then WHY have they not discussed the moving in together BEFORE this? Now that is not your friends total fault, he bears responsibility as well. The fact that she knew nothing of him paying his rent 3 months in advance further shows the problem.

To me it sounds as though, she is looking for one thing and he for another. Whether he benefits from the gifts or not, they still belong to her.

Bottom line, this couple needs to sit and seriously layout, where they believe this is going, between them. People choose what's best for them, he has an apartment, she has a house, one would think that's how they each want to live. For instance, I live in an apartment, new to atlanta, I couldn't decide on a house for several reasons. First prices were falling, next I didn't want the upkeep of a lawn and other maintenance issues a house would bring.

Ascribing motives, with only one side being heard from, is no different than accepting her POV, with no consideration to his.

JMHO
 SunDevil_in_SC
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 186
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 7:39:28 AM
Well Drestin, if she is suspicious of his gifts, then this may say something too.

However, it goes back to a couple of pages ago ... this has *NOTHING* to do with gifts. There's something really wrong with this relationship. The gifts are a symptom ... the actual issue is communication and/or lack thereof to address the real reason. Maybe the real reason is that they are both just too manipulative for one another.

As for shooting off her mouth once, just once ... can we agree that it should be added with the caveat "when you were around?" Who knows what they said while being alone.

And note that I'm saying that he may get over it ... but this was a big mistake on her part, and she would have to show over time that this just isn't her. And I'm sorry ... if I was him, this whole incident would plant questions into my mind. Think about it ... she exploded when she didn't get the expected proposal. I'm sorry, but thinking as a guy, if you are a woman wanting one, that is the absolute *LAST* thing you want to do. This isn't because someone put ketchup on her hamburger.

Whether he is being manipulative ... or she is ... it just doesn't matter. The issue is that they're at this point in their relationship, and I personally think that it is terminal. You might really want to help her write a profile for this site and be there as a friend.
 SunDevil_in_SC
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 188
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 8:16:35 AM
I think with the three year anniversary approaching she is begining to wonder where they are headed.

And there you go ... that is your real reason.

The thing is that we're (as posters) lacking information about him. How was his prior divorce? What is his overall opinion on marriage?

As it pains for me to say it, as we reach "our age", there are reasons why we aren't married now and haven't remarried yet. This simple answer is always, "Well, the right man/woman hasn't come along," but that is just a Potemkin village, and if you ask more probing questions (and they are willing to answer) then you find out why they aren't married again.

(And to back to getting it to topic ...) That is the reason why I don't subscribe to using gifts in this manner. What you are trying to do is use the gift as surrogacy to communication, then you might as well look to the stars or tea leaves for guidance. And when I mention communication, not just, "Well, where do you see yourself in 5 years," ... that crap is fluff. What you need to do is seriously talk about things. How do you perceive marriage and commitment? What are your fears? What are your dreams?

Your friend is either not asking that question or he isn't answering it. That is why, after three years, I'm saying the relationship will not last ... if it took them three years to get to this point, that frankly is pathetic. (Note that I'm not taking sides here ... I'm thinking that they are equally as pathetic if we are keeping score ...) It wouldn't have taken me three months to get to the point of asking the above questions.

edit:
Sun....you're correct there is something wrong with their relationship, not sure what it is, with the exception of them not communicating. I have a feeling there is more to it than I know. She is not happy with him, yet he gives the impression that everything between them is just wonderful.

You see ... in a way, I disagree: don't you think that if he hasn't asked her about marriage, or hasn't tried to move the relationship along - isn't he already communicating something "loud and clear?" I'm just thinking that your friend isn't liking the message ... or with her comment about the Christmas gift was finally starting to smell the coffee.

As for perceptions on relationships, they are smoke and mirrors. I had people coming up to me after my divorce saying, "I thought if any marriage was going to last, it would have been your ..." But trust me, there were reasons ... we just didn't advertise them.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 189
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 9:11:45 AM
SweetlilGTP lingerie is more for him than herIf that were so, why does every guy seem to want the lingerie off quicker than the time it took to put on?




I will happily stand corrected.

P.s. Lingirie to ladies is like whipped cream n cinnamon to Baileys coffee. :)

Every time he buys her a gift there is story about how hard the gift was to obtain & how he went way out of his way to get the perfect gift just for her.


That's low too.

Keep talking. Tell us about their kids and parents; so we can start to look down on them also :)

The next day he showed her plans for an outdoor bar he was planning on building in her backyard for her for Valentines. Sounds like he is diverting the attention away from their relationship future & again this is a gift that will benefit him more than her.


Bullshit

She brought the “together forever” subject up again, saying they should talk about him moving into her place the first of the year. He said he had all ready paid the rent for January, in fact he paid three months in advance. This is strange, considering he has not done this in the past & also, why now, especially this time of year? I can see why she is frustrated. I’m beginning to think maybe there truly is a hidden meaning behind these gifts he is giving her. Idk, what do you all think


I think he should consolidate soon; before all those things he's doing for her home, for THEIR home, become sunk costs!

Maybe Sun, but she too is having some serious second thoughts about his gifts also. It's beginning to look like he is using her, leading her on & has an expiration date on this relationship. Buying all those presents for her home, gives the impression he plans on living there, but I doubt it, I'm begining to think he is manipulating her.


Reverse psychology has nothing on this situation.

This sounds like the typical relationship, where both parties are pretty darned good to eachother, and actually really do love eachother. However; the fear of committment, of CHANGING that which is percieved to be working by one party is now coming to the intersection where what seems to HAVE been working is now turning into fear of LOSING a relationship to the other party. The age old intersect where fears and comfort zones collide. <---I hope they work it out; they sound like a decent and fun couple really.
 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 190
view profile
History
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 9:55:04 AM


Every gift he has given her was a benefit to him. He’s the one that likes to have dinner parties & cook-outs for friends. She’s the one that pays for the food & drinks & does the majority of the work (while he mingles & socializes with the guests).
.
Every time he buys her a gift there is story about how hard the gift was to obtain & how he went way out of his way to get the perfect gift just for her. This makes me wonder if this is true or if he comes up with these stories to guilt her into not complaining about what he bought “himself”.


I am confused.... previously you said that he bought her gifts that she had mentioned needing..... which is true??? he bought them to benefit him?? or they are gifts she mentioned needing???

either way... they have no communication... if she doesn't like having the parties... she should say no.... if she didn't want to provide whatever she is providing for the parties... she shouldn't have..... she should have given him a list to shop....

also... I feel like the older I get... the less likely I want someone to move in with me.... I am pretty set in having my personal space.... and private time.... maybe he is just feeling unsure.. also if her home is paid for.... it would financially benefit him to move there as there wouldn't be the rent costs..... so I don't see him as having any ulterior motives..... he could be living rent free with her..
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 191
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 10:09:08 AM
OP, I don't blame the guy a bit for wanting to keep his own place for a while. I think it says a lot of great things about him that he is willing and able to "feather her nest" for her by buying and building things that make her life better, and make her property values go up. IMO this is his way of showing that he cares regardless of her demands.

If I were him I would be having serious thoughts about ever marrying her after her public outburst of complaint, especially in front of close friends, and she needs to apologize to him in front of those same people. He's probably evaluating whether he wants to get tied to someone who could do that to him again in the future.

I really hate the term "gold digger" but according to what you describe, she made herself look like an ungrateful, demanding person who doesn't appreciate what she has in this guy.
 SunDevil_in_SC
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 192
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 10:39:25 AM

This sounds like the typical relationship, where both parties are pretty darned good to eachother, and actually really do love eachother. However; the fear of committment, of CHANGING that which is percieved to be working by one party is now coming to the intersection where what seems to HAVE been working is now turning into fear of LOSING a relationship to the other party. The age old intersect where fears and comfort zones collide. <---I hope they work it out; they sound like a decent and fun couple really.


Well, if this is the case, then I stand corrected: her boyfriend is flat out wrong! Over time, relationships show grow, not stay static. You can't just live hoping today never changes. I would have thought that by his age he would have learned this.

I'll agree with you on one thing: he fears commitment. However, he fears it for something that has happened in his life prior than from his current relationship. The thing is that after three years, I would have communicated it to my significant other ... and actually it would have been more like three months into the relationship. The thing is he's doing everything *EXCEPT* talk about it ... actually I feel for her girlfriend because he's doing everything to avoid talking about it - he's putting up barriers.

He knew that she wanted a ring. She's no doubt has been giving him hints of where she expects the relationship to go. However, he countered with an expensive gift that will be perceived as being thoughtful, but he knew that it wasn't what she wanted. He's going through avoidance. Ten to one when she sits down with him to talk about things, he's going to clam up.

Heck, I'm frankly on her girlfriend's side ... it has been 3 f ucking years! What is he waiting for, aliens to come and engrave "Marry Me" on the Moon? Crap or get off of the pot!

But that is just my opinion.
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 194
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 11:19:14 AM
Let's put aside the gifts for now. We can endlessly speculate about motives and benefits, lets examine what we know for sure.

They have dated for 3 years. By not buying her personal gifts, she attributes this to some more serious problem of 'what she wants' meaning in the relationship. They have failed to communicate to the very heart of the issue "where are they going?"

As another poster mentioned, me thinks she just smelled the coffee or the rose colored glasses have finally come off!

Without knowing more about him, his past, his views of relationships in general, any divorce he may have gone through, it would be impossible to understand where they are, or where this could go.

He would not be the first man, to substitute things for feelings.

For example, I will fix your home, make it more comfortable, but don't ask me to live there. There was a thread, quite contentious, on here 18 months ago, about a guy wanting to live in his apartment, and the women he saw, he wanted them to be in a monagamous relationship with him, but live seperately. A handful of women saw this as acceptable, most favored either living together or getting married.

Neither approach is right for all, but this man was straight forward about his concept. Perhaps this man has a similar idea, but is loathe to explain it for fear she will break up with him.

As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water...

In this case, the horse seems to want none of that. Then your friend frustrated by him not closing the deal, is addressing the issue through the presents, instead of recognizing he ain't drinking the water!
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 195
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 11:26:35 AM
I don't think he has any attentions of being with her forever & neither does she.


Doesnt seem like he has any intentions of leaving either.

Like our friend from SC above said; it seems like the relationship is static. He sees it as being exactly where he wants to be, and to change it could ruin everything. She sees it as something that "could" blow up or change if it doesnt move forward.

I'm with the boyfriend on this one, for personal reasons. (I can see where his heart is) If it's working, and they are happy; why change? However; that all means nothing if HER fears keep growing, and she is becoming unhappy and more afraid of losing him; as seems to be the case.

They really need to share their fears, and work to eliminate them. After all "secure and comfort" ARE words in many marriage vows......no?



I dont want dem to break up; dey sound like "nice"

The more I think about it & the more posts I read, the more I realize there is a hidden meaning behind these "mommy" gifts. He buys her these great presents so he can invite his friends over, eat drink & be merry while she cooks, serves drinks & cleans up


^ Sounds like many marriages.

He does it for her, then she does it for him. (They're invested in each other huge too)

You're thinkkng too much, and talking from a point of "decision" here in these later posts. (You are stepping outside of your role in all of this) Someon tie this lady to a bed and keep her active energies busy before she gets too involved, and does something she regrets
 Imclassique
Joined: 12/2/2011
Msg: 196
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 11:29:50 AM
a gift certainly is either appropriate or inappropriate,
the reciever has the right to feel let down or to feel the gift is inappropriate as we all do,
If someone gave me something innapropriate I would not open it at all, and I would either shelve it or dump it.
If it was lawn furniature from my wonderful lover I would feel that rather in personal, if lawn furniature is bought it should be bought during the year, or as well as, a personal gift which is appropriate with the feelings recieved, same with utilitarian items as mentioned so sad I would feel the same way personally.I recall being given an omelete maker, what a let down that was - so I fully comprehend if she is looking for an engagement ring or lingere or beautiful things that ladies like I imagine she was devestated.
Its not about being un grateful at all, its about someone trying to change who you are.
 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 197
view profile
History
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 11:33:01 AM
so would these "mommy" gifts that she ASKS for be fine if they weren't for a holiday??? because seriously... she asks... he gives.. maybe she needs to learn to ask for what she really wants.... and see what happens.... if she asks for earrings will she get a microwave??? then I would MAYBE think there was another motive....
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 198
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 11:35:39 AM
Is a stripper pole, with heart shaped bed and disco ball a bad idea for Valentines?

(Just sorta got to brainstormin)

 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 199
view profile
History
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 11:44:36 AM
haha.... the right girl wold love the stripper pole and disco ball....

I took a few pole classes.... they are crazy hard...
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 201
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 12:05:57 PM

But that's not the point, he bought her presents that he wanted, she could care less, if he wasn't around she wouldn't even have dinner parties.


Aha! So I retract what I said earlier (to a degree) and second/third/fourth/whatever what all the folks have said about communication.

Why is she throwing these parties at her house if she doesn't want to?
Why is she doing the cooking, cleaning, etc. etc. if she doesn't want to?
Either she really does enjoy it...
or she is sooooo passive-aggressive that she goes along with it and then just complains about it instead of talking to him about it...
or she doesn't know what she does want and would rather vent to you than talk to him...
or she tries to talk to him, gets nowhere and then continues to go along with him, and her frustration comes out in a public attack on him...
or all of the above?
 NJ_Phil
Joined: 10/1/2011
Msg: 203
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 12:25:56 PM
Tell your friend to mention the kitchen appliances are getting old, the rugs are looking a little shabby, the windows are drafty and the roof is leaking...that should cover Valentine's Day. Look at the bright side, maybe no ring, but she will get the house remodeled.
 dreamingoftwo
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 204
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 12:38:58 PM
Shame men are so silly as to purchase something she has hinted she needs.

we are not the brightest of lots when it comes to that, sometimes an indicator such as I do not want such items as gifts is required. If they live together then it is an issue but if he holds a residence other than hers I suggest not hinting I want lawn furniture, rather hint I would like you to pick out some lingerie you would like me in or perfume you like the scent of.

I think the hidden meaning is she hinted she would like and he surprised her and bought them when a nice bottle of perfume would of gone further and been a lot cheaper shame on him.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 205
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 3:52:13 PM
it's almost like he is using her as his hostess, restaurant, caterer & the gifts are just as much if not more so for him...i understand she wanted something PERSONAL, directed for her only
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 206
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 5:18:31 PM
"it's almost like he is using her"

No one can be used, unless they allow it! I have said this on these forums to both men and women. If she doesn't enjoy the parties, BBQ's and get togethers, she should not host them. If she feels used(communication AGAIN) she should express she is unhappy with the division of work, especially if they are HIS idea.

Look I get the idea, she's not happy with the presents. She desires something more personal, something more intimate. Like I said earlier, some folks are more practical, others more romantic. If she can't express how she feels to him, then their communication sucks!

Let's put this another way, I doubt most women or men on here, have a problem expressing themselves if their needs are not met. Usually the way they express it is by moving on.

This woman will NEVER get this man, to do what she wants, it has to be what HE wants to do. If she wants more than what she gets now, or different presents(I doubt the presents are the issue), then she must communicate that to him. If he STILL doesn't give her what she seeks, she will either have to accept him as he is or move on to someone who will.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 207
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 5:29:28 PM
"it's almost like he is using her"


And she's using him, to keep her house up to date and stocked.

Isn't that sort of what relationships are about? (mutual use?)

What good is being useless to eachother?
 instride
Joined: 12/14/2007
Msg: 208
view profile
History
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 6:34:54 PM
I got my ex wife, before we were divorced, a new girlfriend.
That was a hidden message that I wanted a threesome.
She didn't catch on.
 BettyMcFattttyPants
Joined: 12/9/2011
Msg: 209
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 7:03:12 PM
I must be retarded because I still think the guy sounds like a catch. Send him over to my place as my deck needs refinishing. He does my deck, I'll do his.

He's not buying her a ring because he DOESN'T WANT TO.
 Morgangirl
Joined: 5/9/2011
Msg: 210
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 7:07:41 PM
No he probably thought he was doing great!!! Poor guy!!!
 SunDevil_in_SC
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 211
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 7:39:08 PM

If it's working, and they are happy; why change? However; that all means nothing if HER fears keep growing, and she is becoming unhappy and more afraid of losing him; as seems to be the case.

They really need to share their fears, and work to eliminate them. After all "secure and comfort" ARE words in many marriage vows......no?


Dude, I'm not a woman, but for her to explode in front of her friends like she did ... this was boiling up for quite a while. Now if she was a drama queen that would be one thing ... but Drestin noted that this is uncharacteristic of her to do. Major warning bell there. She's not happy and she's not thrilled about the status quo. The status quo is cool when everyone is on board ... she's not on board, or now no longer wishes to be.

And I'll go one step further: this guy isn't willing to say (and mean) the words that will reassure her "security and comfort." I don't know what it is ... maybe he's been burned in some way in the past, or maybe he has some Peter Pan complex where he's gots to stay eligible until he dies ... lord knows ... but he just can't say it.

And I don't think this is a fear ... she just want to see progression and commitment. It has been three years ... I'll say it again: three years ...


This woman will NEVER get this man, to do what she wants, it has to be what HE wants to do. If she wants more than what she gets now, or different presents(I doubt the presents are the issue), then she must communicate that to him. If he STILL doesn't give her what she seeks, she will either have to accept him as he is or move on to someone who will.


I agree ... and as I look into my crystal ball here, I see that she has left him by the end of March 2012. She wants commitment and progression ... and he doesn't, has enjoyed calling the shots, and has no plans on changing. Frankly, I think that she's been the salt of the earth to work with him for three years (although she can't complain ... it was her choice to stay with him all of this time), but now if she exploded in front of her friends like that, she's ready to leave.

She's put up to it for who knows why ... maybe part of it is that she thinks he's a nice guy, maybe he's been good about giving the perception that things will progress (words but not actions), and maybe she just didn't want to be embarrassed in front of her friends by letting them know how difficult her relationship really is. However, she's done and she's not going to put up with it any longer.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 212
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 8:14:59 PM

...is there really hidden meanings behind gifts?


Well, I'm not sure, but maybe someone could help me figure out why my parents bought me a large Samsonite suitcase for my high school graduation gift.....

 instride
Joined: 12/14/2007
Msg: 213
view profile
History
Hidden meanings behind gifts
Posted: 12/31/2011 8:18:46 PM

Well, I'm not sure, but maybe someone could help me figure out why my parents bought me a large Samsonite suitcase for my high school graduation gift.....



Did they get it to hide the body in if you didn't move out of the house?
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >