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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Help! He wants to move in.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 51
Help! He wants to move in.Page 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
We should be able to depend on our loved ones for help. I see no problem with helping him out. Helping him find a new place or a room mate, helping him find the finances so he can attend school & yes I have no problem listening to him, helping him make decisions or coming up with a game plan. When you are a "couple" you work together, help each other out, you just don't take off when the going gets rough.


I agree with this. I`m the first one who will help a loved one in distress, even at my own expense.
However...you might want to look at OP`s post again. She offered him alternative solutions, very good ones, and he turned them all down. He WANTS cash, and free room and board. Doesnt sound like someone who genuinely wants help, sounds more like someone asking permission to freeload, and playing the emotion game (YOU SHOULD want to help me, if you love me....GOD.) to get what he wants. A loved one tries to make me feel guilty for not coughing up cash when there are other alternatives that he doesnt even want to bother to consider...well let`s just say the loved one might not stay loved that long. But I do agree with the concept of helping a loved one. But when they are being manipulative, and probably have a different agenda then what they say, I draw the line.

Yeah, I'm one of those dumb azz women who stand by their man when the going gets rough.

Not dumbass at all. Noble, appreciated, caring. But you do have to draw the line at some point. Ifhe asks the shirt off your back and makes you feel guilty about not giving it to him....you know?
 ncdamsel
Joined: 10/1/2006
Msg: 52
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 7:49:34 AM
please dont do it... follow your gut ..but.... if youdo give him money dont expect to get it back, if you give any money consider it gone forever... but if it were me i world just let it go..(.the relationship) and find some one more stable... it sounds like thats what you kinda want to do...good luck
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 53
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 7:51:32 AM
WOW, it's shocking how many posters want to kick this guy when he is down. It's sad that some are saying because he is 51 & a MAN he should be doing better, geez how friggin one sided is that! Times are hard & lots of people are having serious financial problems.


I never said that it was because he is a man. This is an adult responsibility and should be a pre-qualifier to dating: being able to manage yourself, provide for yourself, solve your problems. In his scenario, SHE is supposed to be the solver of HIS problems. I do not see his plan allocating any risk or cost to himself.

What’s your basis for assuming or accepting that this constitutes “kicking him when he’s down” or that this is aberrational or exceptional for him? There is no more evidence that he was financially stable for years and years and then hit a patch of bad luck than there is evidence that this is his lifelong norm. After a mere year of dating, in which he has been financially precarious, it is equally reasonable to conclude that this is a lifetime condition for him, not an exception. Drestin, you swallowed his argument whole and thus took the bait for the con. There is no basis to assume either way.

In general, though, we know that conmen and users claim that their crisis of the moment (which they want you to fix for them) is aberrational, and if you just do this or that, life will be great. They sure as hell never say, “Yeah, this is just how I roll, and have rolled for the past 3 decades,” because no one would sign up for that.

Because of this, I say cut him off; he’s running a con. I would not get enmeshed in helping him out of pity, even in finding ANY solution for him- new roommates on Craigslist, or figuring out alternatives. If an adult’s principal solution is that someone fix their problems, they have major growing up to do.
 Viper1E
Joined: 11/30/2011
Msg: 54
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 8:21:18 AM
Yeah, I'm one of those dumb azz women who stand by their man when the going gets rough.


I thought they were extinct?


No, not extinct. They just stopped production on that line around the time Leave It To Beaver was canceled, So there aren't any new models out.

So if you get one, hold on to it at all costs.

It's a classic.
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 55
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 8:29:16 AM
I'll also give kudos to Drestin, few women stick by the guy these days.

A year is a long time(at least on here!), she wants to help and was helpful trying to help him find a way out of his dilema. We all have known folks who can't get their act together.

Trouble is, in many cases, they want to make their problem your problem. Then when we find out who they really are, it is generally too late and they ARE our problem. Best to try and help him with suggestions, not money or a place to live. He will either get the message and try and build a more sound life, or resent you and move on. Either way, it will be better for the both of you.
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 56
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 8:33:30 AM
I'm probably going to get slammed for this.

Its not about him growing up. Obviously he was able
To maintain a job and a home.

Something has changed in his life. He has other goals.
He wants to go back to school. He wants to persue other
Life choices and he has reached out to you- as his girlfriend for
Some help.

I'm thinking he wants you around for the long term.

I don't think he is trying to use you- I think what you have posted
Makes him sound like a use job.

I don't think you are in to him and you are getting great feed back
From others here to dump his ass.

Dump him. Let him go persue his dreams with someone who wants
To be by his side.






I have loaned, taken care of and helped lotsbof boyfriends. I was
In a relationship with them. We were a team with life plans.

Didn't work out but I don't feel used because at the time it was
Our goal to better ourselves and the relationship.

Dump him. He deserves support for making such life changing
Decisions.
 ontario_woman
Joined: 4/3/2005
Msg: 57
view profile
History
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 8:33:56 AM
I'm all for standing by someone who is experiencing difficulties due to no fault of their own and is willing to explore feasible solutions.

However, I am not for enabling someone to behave like an over-grown teenager. You would be surprised at how many people of both genders are just looking for someone to absolve them of their adult responsibilities.

The OP gave him some very good suggestions. He rejected them and provided solutions that would make the OP financially responsible for him for god only knows how long.

At his age, it is highly unlikely that he will be able to successfully begin a new career. He needs to grow up and get his house in order.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 58
view profile
History
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 8:34:46 AM

I knew that was a bad deal (for me), so I offered to help him in other ways -- to find a new roommate, to help him pay for a moving truck, or money for first month's rent. He wanted to know if it was a loan or a gift. He ultimately wanted a couple thousand without having to pay it back so he could get back on his feet. He said as my GF, I should want to help him in any way I can.


Let's just recap what the OP really said, shall we?

She did offer to help in all kinds of ways, exactly in keeping with what Drestin had suggested. However, it appears that the only thing her man was willing to accept in terms of help was cold, hard cash or her sharing her home with him, in other words, a free ride.
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 59
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 8:37:39 AM

The OP says she likes this guy. She has stayed with him for a year, so apparently he has something going for her that she finds appealing. There is no reason to end it just because he is having a hard time.
It appears they have just started talking about this situation. Maybe they can find a solution, maybe not, but to suggest she kick him to the curb immediately is so hard core.


Well, like I said, re-read the original post. Sure, she finds the guy appealing. Doesnt mean he hasn't been playing her for a year. You know, a year is NOT a long time to be in a relationship. I wouldnt get married or live in with someone in under a year, and if she had ttroubles, I'd expect her to be able to deal with it and only ask my help if it is dire. But now the guy is insisting on moving in. She said so. When she refused to give him cash, he tried to make her feel guilty. She wrote all that in her original post. It's not hardcore at ALL to want to kick him down; he already HAS his solution, andf that's for her to give him a few thousand. In her original post, OP mentions all the alternatives she gave him; read it again if you missed it. The guy WANTS her to give him money and have him freeload, nothing else. A loved one doesn't do that. Hell, specially not after a year, I don't care if your Gandhi, he himself wouldnt even ask that. There is something definately very wrong with the picture, and I would not help him if I were in her shoes, in the least. Because he'll end up making her suffer for it.
Here, lemme quote you a part of the original post, see for yourself, Dresdin.Red


I told him flat out, "No I am not ready," but he won’t let it go.


his idea was to pay far less than what he currently pays so he could use the rest to start a personal savings account. He also wants to go to school full time which means quitting his job altogether. That means I would be responsible for everything.


so I offered to help him in other ways -- to find a new roommate, to help him pay for a moving truck, or money for first month's rent. He wanted to know if it was a loan or a gift. He ultimately wanted a couple thousand without having to pay it back so he could get back on his feet. He said as my GF, I should want to help him in any way I can.

See the warning bells? Guy wants what he wants, whatever she offered he countered. And when she offers a loan, he says he wants a gift. I dunno, sounds like a mom complex, dont you think? He wants to be breastfed practically. I dunno about other men, but I'd feel DAMNED shamefull to as my gf to take care of me as if I was a complete incompetent fool. Specially nowadays, when some people have 2 jobs AND go to school full time. I mean, come on...
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 60
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 8:47:14 AM

few women stick by the guy these days.


And some of us did- twice- to our own severe financial detriment. (All my fault. Don't blame them.) And it started this way, hence the warning.

My theory is the red cross lifesaving theory- if you go out to rescue someone, do not let them pull you down with them. That can be emotional or financial. This guy's attitude was and is- give me what I decide you should give me, the slippery slope toward drowning yourself.
 Viper1E
Joined: 11/30/2011
Msg: 61
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 8:50:43 AM
her sharing her home with him, in other words, a free ride.


But when she does it, it's cool?

http://www.theonion.com/video/nations-girlfriends-unveil-new-economic-plan-lets,14339/

"ALL RIGHTY THEN!" -- Ace Ventura
 gingerchick30
Joined: 11/5/2011
Msg: 62
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 9:20:18 AM
Viper, I ABSOLUTELY don't think it's OK for either sex to do this. It really isn't a gender thing.

The guy kicked out his roomie and just assumed that he could live with the OP when he wanted to. I don't expect a guy to take care of me financially and would never dream of quitting my job and moving in with him rent free so I could return to school and just expect him to be OK with it.Especially not when they've TOLD me they weren't ready to move in together.

I believe in supporting one another in your dreams and pursuits, but when you are expecting the other person to be totally responsible for you financially there is definitely something wrong with that.
 911love
Joined: 11/27/2011
Msg: 63
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 9:41:18 AM
If you are looking to get married to this guy down the road then no dont let him move in untill you are hitched. If you don't see getting married then it is time to move on! If you let him shack up he'll never marry you and by the time he gruadates and gets the killer job you will both be ready to move on; hence he gets a free ride! Don't let him guilt you into it! Shacking up with a guy you wanted to marry is a death sentence to the relationship!
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 64
view profile
History
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 10:05:06 AM
well, really this is a non issue , you do not want him to move in, you say you are not ready, that is honest!!!
just tell him you do not think you are ready
you do not have any obligation to him!!!!
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 65
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 10:48:52 AM
But when she does it, it's cool? http://www.theonion.com/video/nations-girlfriends-unveil-new-economic-plan-lets,14339/


Dude...that was hilarious! I like the list of suggestions from boyfriends of other ways to save money:

- Cancel subscription to vegetarian cooking magazine
- Give up the cat
- Get normal soap
- Girlfriends' lawyer friends are nice and all, but maybe we could not go out with them every weekend, since they always want to do something expensive, that's the only reason
- Not taking that trip to Vermont to see the leaves change
- Not going out for extraneous brunches

Then the Girlfriends' chart of what the "saved" money could be used for:
- Dinner parties
-(c)ocktail parties
- Book club
- Game nights
- Housewarming parties
- Just having people over sometimes
- Finding some nice furniture

I wonder if OP considered any of this ... ????
 Viper1E
Joined: 11/30/2011
Msg: 66
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 10:53:58 AM

Dude...that was hilarious! I like the list of suggestions from boyfriends of other ways to save money:


Did you notice how the reporter decided to double team the poor guy? So much for objective media..
 BadBoyScout35
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 67
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 1:50:55 PM
Wow! I'm with most of the fellas on this one. No self-respecting man would EVER ask his girlfriend for financial help. Maybe to help pick out a new suit or something (I'm color blind, so I do this frequently), but never for monetary aid. I'm curious what your relationship has been like over the last year. Is he younger than you? Not to brag, but at 21, I was working 2 full time jobs and a part time on the weekends while in nursing school and taking care of my sick mother and never asked anyone for a dime in 3 years of busting my ass. Don't get me wrong, a relationship is about taking care of one another's needs, but not when one is doing the taking care of while the other is doing the taking advantage of. Tell him to move into a smaller and more affordable place, do NOT quit his job, pick up 10 - 12 hrs of courses, and you'll cook him dinner a couple nights a week (that's plenty of help from a girlfriend). However, if the shoe were on the other foot and you needed financial help, I would expect him to man up and give you anything you needed, but I'm ol' fashioned like that and make more money than I know what to do with. Do what feels right, if your heart AND your head are in accordance, then it's the right thing to do.
 911love
Joined: 11/27/2011
Msg: 68
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 2:39:36 PM
I love when people say stuff like that...

Oh I worked 4 jobs had a part time one on the weekends, took care of 6 kids, and my husband. Plus I cleaned the house had dinner made every night and I run marathons too! All while I went to night school, and held a 4.0 GPA! Come on! Really?
 Viper1E
Joined: 11/30/2011
Msg: 69
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 4:09:24 PM

Oh I worked 4 jobs had a part time one on the weekends, took care of 6 kids, and my husband. Plus I cleaned the house had dinner made every night and I run marathons too! All while I went to night school, and held a 4.0 GPA!


And it's all because I take Geritol twice a day...
 QueenBeeSweetness
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 70
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 4:38:44 PM
There are only 3 scenarions in which i would carry a man financially, & it would only be AFTER we have an established marriage or long term living together relationship in which we have full trust in each other & have operated as equals.

1. He gets laid off of work, & is actively looking for a new position. No problem, it happens all the time.

2. He becomes ill or injured to where he cant work. Would totally stand by my man in this situation.

3. We have a child or children together, & he wants to becomes a full time SAHD (Stay at Home Dad, male equivalent of a Housewife)), and it becomes his job to care for the children fulltime, keep house, manage the household & family, cook, do the 2 am diaper changes, help with homework, drive kids to school & activities, etc. I would happily support a man as a SAHD if we were to have a family together & he wanted to be one, but just like any other homemaker, he would be working his ass off, just not at an outside job.

Anything else, forget it.

As i said, if he was truly worried about being homeless, he would be busting his ass to find work & a place of his own.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 71
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 5:05:25 PM

I will help him in every way possible, except financially, that's where I draw the line.

From my comprehension of the OT-financial help is ALL the guy wants.

I'm sorry to have to say this, but the general scenario of a middle-aged man having a tenuous living situation,unstable income picture, is having "problems" with a room-mate or the relative he's living with, is not as uncommon as people think. I recognize that sometimes this has happened due to circumstances beyond the mans' control,but unless its'a person one has known a very long time (so as to know the truth of the misfortune),it just isn't worth the risk of co-habiting and intertwining lives.

et me make it quite clear, I for one absolutely do not blame smart men who also avoid situations of becoming entangled with a financially challenged woman! For men that allow themselves to get drawn into a financially exploitive situation, I can assure them that this does also happen to women-and the situation that the OP describes sure as hell looks like a financial exploitation plan.

his idea was to pay far less than what he currently pays so he could use the rest to start a personal savings account. He also wants to go to school full time which means quitting his job altogether. That means I would be responsible for everything.


Yes you would-and he sounds like the kind of guy that will take a mile if you give him an inch.

I realize that many people of middle age have got caught up in financial/employment devastation due to circumstances they could neither foresee or control. But-sorry-if the guy wants to add to his education, then let him do it around his work situation, just like tons of other mature adults manage to do without sucking resources from a SO or shortchanging their families.


My theory is the red cross lifesaving theory- if you go out to rescue someone, do not let them pull you down with them. That can be emotional or financial.


Precisely. In fact,to stick to the red cross analogy,the recommendation is that the rescuer, if at all possible, to NOT get right in the water up close where they CAN pull you down.IMO, the OP has offered the guy help that will not endanger her, and he doesn't want that-he wants her to risk her own financial safety. The guy is NOT "drowning", and I seriously doubt he's really in any great danger of becoming homeless.


I find it just as much of a turn-off when it is women doing it as well.


Agree with this, too. People should be raising their children to understand that working-to earn money to live on-is as basic an expectation as being housebroken and eating with utensils rather than fingers.
Cindy O
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 72
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 5:48:20 PM

This sounds like a typical younger guy dating an older woman situation...Maybe I am wrong


OP didn't address this.I think you're right.This guy considers himself a prize....
 NolitaFairytale
Joined: 10/4/2011
Msg: 73
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 6:29:53 PM
He's totally becoming a financial sponge on you. You, responsible for everything?! That's insane!! I wouldn't move in with him, he'll probably start taking more and more financial advantage of you until he's got like all your money!!
 musical_turtle
Joined: 3/11/2011
Msg: 74
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 7:24:24 PM
No, don't let him move in with you.
If he loved you...he would respect you...if he respected you then he would take your first 'no' as the final answer, and would stop pushing the issue any further. You know what's going to happen right? If you let him move in, and he 'goes to school'...he'll finish with his degree, and then ditch you for a younger lady. Plus, you're not his mother...you shouldn't solve his problems for him. He's a grown man...let him do it himself. You can find someone else that's better.
 UniquelyPassionateCandy
Joined: 8/6/2011
Msg: 75
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 7:38:14 PM
OP unless you wanna be a sugar momma it just just be O-V-E-R ...Obviously this guy is looking for you to take care of him. If it was me I wouldn't even stop to consider it, I would be walking in the other direction in a hurry. And to expect you to just give him 2grand without having to pay it back is disrespectful.
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