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Joined: 1/12/2011
Msg: 76
Help! He wants to move in.Page 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

So we talked about the finances, and his idea was to pay far less than what he currently pays so he could use the rest to start a personal savings account. He also wants to go to school full time which means quitting his job altogether. That means I would be responsible for everything. Of course, I said no, but then he countered with I knew from the start that he doesn't make a lot, and if I let him live rent-free for a few years he could go to school to get a better job.

He was a man living on his own. It was his responsibility to do what he had to do to jump start his future. I am a single mother who has a family, who goes to school, works, and maintains my OWN place, without the help of any man. If I can do it, he can do it. Simple.

Don't make it your own business to see that his future is bright. The beautiful thing about all this is that he tries to make you feel guilty about not shouldering all the responsibility, but would be the first one to shake the dust off his shoes when he is financially stable again. Meaning? Your azz is out on the curb when he is good to go again.

I think this is the beginning of the end,

It was over the moment he opened his mouth and told you to take care of him while he went to school. He is not your husband. A real man would handle his business to HELP provide a future, should the both of you decide to marry. Forget about that now. He screwed it up.
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 77
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 7:51:05 PM
NO no NO. don't do it. NO one should live together for financial reasons, it is doomed to failure.
Joined: 8/5/2011
Msg: 78
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 7:53:03 PM
I don't see him OFFERING to do anything for himself..and as u stated you are not his mother!!!! I have seen the legal shows show when women help men and then men claim it was a gift. Unless ur rich and can afford to give and not get it back..other than that it's not a win-win situation.

If he loved you to move in and it was something where both are giving and getting or if you got married and then he wanted to go to school there are certain sacrifices you do for your spouse..but it doesn't seem so based on your statement.

Help him with the roommate situation..anything else and ur begging to be dumped or used... DONT do it!
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 79
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 8:13:13 PM
You just told her the truth. I call that tell the truth and shame the devil.
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 80
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 8:20:08 PM
Drestin.Red, helping someone out in difficult times is one thing, most decent loving individuals would , but this guy isnt just asking for help, he is demanding he move in with her, loan him money sorry Give him a grant as if she is the Federal Student Loan bank, he wants to take advantage , that isnt right, that is why most are saying kick his ass to the curb.

Being down and out and helping is a good thing being a sucker isnt IMO.
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 81
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/6/2012 8:22:03 AM
To agree with Drestin, I was kinda hoping that the OP would return and fill in some of the blanks.

We don't know the guy, we are ascribing him things we've either seen in person or others on the boards.

This doesn't change my beliefs, that we all have to maintain our lives for ourselves. That she shouldn't allow him to move in, nor support him in school. He can get loans for that.
Joined: 4/26/2011
Msg: 82
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/6/2012 8:40:48 AM
He's a moocher looking for a sugar-momma. He needs to get it through his head that NO ONE owes him anything. He can and should work while going to school because he's an adult. Dump him fast.
Joined: 4/26/2011
Msg: 83
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/6/2012 9:00:23 AM
Agree with ShoreLife's post 100%, well said
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 84
view profile
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/6/2012 11:21:59 AM
I just think a man should not be living off a woman,call me old fashioned
the only way I think it would be OK IS IF THE MAN(LONG TERM ) became ill, lost his job,
but no, it think it just ugly for a man to take advantage of a woman in any way!
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 85
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/6/2012 1:55:56 PM
Dresden ...

If I have all ready spent a year of my life with this man, it certainly won't hurt to spend a few weeks or even a month figuring out a way to fix this problem.

Why can't he figure it out on his own?

She's not his mother.
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 86
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/6/2012 8:02:28 PM
What is best for him and his personal growth in life?

We as humans are continually growing, learning and changing according to our choices. Our choices have consequences. That is life.

Is it best for his personal growth for you to give him $3,000.00? Is it a good lesson for him to learn that he can live somewhere for free for 4 years, without ever paying a bill so he can get his college degree?

Although life lessons are difficult, he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. He needs to behave like an adult so you can respect him. You enabling him, a man you are not married to, nor are you in a long term relationship with him. (I do not consider 1 year, probably only 1.5% of your entire life to be a long time.) Also, the fact he does not have a savings account suggests to me his irresponsiblity is not a short term thing, but long term.

I suspect OP, by your lack of response, you chose to be co-dependent and take care of him.

You will need friends when you finally reach the bottom. I know I did...
Joined: 12/2/2011
Msg: 87
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/7/2012 12:16:08 AM
When people show you who they are..... BELIEVE THEM...

or try this

Sounds like great guy
Intelligent... kicked out his roommate, and had another plan in place, move in with you
Thrifty... going to START a bank Account.. with a couple of thousand from you, gift of course
Plans ahead.... quit job, go back to school, move in with you, rent free
Intuitive.. knows what you are going to say, answer with, but I don't make much can you take care of me,
Conversationalist.. keeps on talking over your decision
Good listener.... same as above
Inquisitive... loan or gift
Fair... you should help him any way you can, after all you are his GF

And finally you have it backwards of you do this the power does not shift to you... his increases..

You know what to do
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 88
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/7/2012 9:49:27 AM
Hi; I don't know how you feel toward this guy,But if you and he aren't maddly in love,I would say get rid of him . I would hope you could do better. Sounds like a set-up to live free off you . If you are a sugar momma; can I apply. LOL
Joined: 11/5/2011
Msg: 89
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/7/2012 10:09:13 AM
I'm curious how it played out as well. Perhaps she let him move in and she knows the forum would give her grief if she posted what happened? Let us know, OP!! We're curious!
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 90
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/8/2012 10:53:55 AM
to pay far less than what he currently pays That means I would be responsible for everything I let him live rent-free for a few years he could go to school to get a better job.

He wants to use you. You're not his Mommy, if he is looking for this ytpe of assistance. he should move back home. You aren't ready & you told him this, so do not let him move in. He is looking for a sugar mama to support him. If you let him move in you'll regret it, don't do it.

to help him pay for a moving truck, or money for first month's rent. He ultimately wanted a couple thousand without having to pay it back so he could get back on his feet

You're a bank to him. It's not your job to make sure he isn't homeless. He has other options, rent a smaller studio apartment, rent a room, move back in w/parents. This will never end w/him, when is the last time he took you out to dinner, or anywhere & he paid? You need to leave this relationship.
Joined: 5/25/2006
Msg: 91
view profile
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/8/2012 12:37:59 PM
That's poor.... I like many other "men" have a sense of pride and while we all need help once in a while.. it should be reserved for emergencies .

The guy kicked out his room mate... what he didn't "do the math" before he acted ? didn't /can't find another roommate? WTH ??? Is he stupid ?

Anything after that "choice" of his is ALL HIS OWN DOING !!! So it should be all his own fixing !

If this "man" ( term used loosely) can't take care of his own obligations and commitments then he's not worth the effort... your only getting yourself into worse trouble if you do... allow him to weasel in. IMHO
Joined: 12/9/2011
Msg: 92
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/8/2012 12:46:48 PM
NO NO NO lol No man would impose on my freedom unless we both wanted it. Whatever u do don't let him move in just for a few days cause he will never leave ..
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 93
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/8/2012 12:48:05 PM
I don't like the obvious gender double standard on this. I've seen a 1000 times of women almost "forcing" a move like this before. Now that the tides have turned most don't like it and gone to bashing the men.

This specific situation I agree with some of the posters that yes the OP should not help this man. Seems to me he is a user, but I would also say the same if the OP was a guy and his s/o tried the same, not any different IMO.

If it had been discussed before hand that he'd like to quit his job or go to p/t and her take over the bills in whole or the majority of them. So that he can go to college. I would commend him just like I would commend a woman for doing the same. The head of household being solely the man is BS or at least should be. Hey the guy would get bashed as well if he moved back in with his folks to go through college. Even if it was to better themselves. Not everyone is born with a silver spoon in mouth they have to scratch and earn everything they have. Sometimes they have to sacrifice some things to better themselves.

Best of luck to everyone
Joined: 7/19/2009
Msg: 94
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/8/2012 2:33:45 PM
Update: Thanks again to all who responded. He came over and asked again to move in, but I stuck to my guns and said no. He was extremely disappointed; we had a heated discussion, and a lot of issues came up.

Thinking back on our relationship, I have made some huge errors and we discussed this. When we go out, I pay. I admitted that this really bothered me. In the beginning we actually play-fought about who was going to pay the check, but seeing as I made more, I just paid. This became our habit, and he admitted that although it was embarrassing for me to pay all of the time, he was relieved that I did so he had enough money to pay for food/gas for the upcoming week. Makes me wonder if two people with such a disparity in income can make it work? I had worked it out in my head that he pays me back in other ways, but the truth is he doesn't. I really have to explore internally why I find the need to keep giving and giving with very little in return. That is the heart of the matter and the lesson I need to learn so I don't keep repeating the same mistake over and over.

In the end, he said he was actually relieved by my decision because he was not ready to move in together either, just felt the angst of his uncertain living situation. He broke down, told me he had been beating himself up over his irresponsible behavior but most of all feared I would leave him for not having his act together by now. He admitted my decision to stand firm made him respect me even more and that he was determined to live up to the man I need, but more so the man he wants to be.

We ended up looking for rooms in the paper; he called a few, and he is enthusiastic about finding a new place to live. Only time will tell if he is sincere or telling me what I want to hear. It's all a learning experience, and thanks to all for your input.
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 95
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/8/2012 8:57:50 PM
Lol, Kick that sucker to the curb.
If you want sex and no boyfriend, then
buy yourself some vibrators and dildos.
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 96
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/8/2012 9:00:05 PM
Haha, " CURB " side is the answer.
Joined: 4/1/2010
Msg: 97
view profile
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/8/2012 9:14:05 PM
please please do not move in. the guy seem not to get it when you said "no" the first time. this is a red flag already. he is trying to convince you and you would like to be "nice" you OWE IT TO YOURSELF most of all and first of all to be NICE - be true to yourself and take care of yourself first. by giving in and moving in you will be helping him and hurting yourself. In short DO NOT MOVE IN. also, it would help to ask yourself why you are in this relationship and what you are getting and what you really need
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 98
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/8/2012 9:48:15 PM
Sorry. I don't buy it.

He found it *embarassing for you to pay all the time* yet he didn't *pay you back in other ways*. I think THAT is the real him.

You don't find it odd that he was embarrassed to have you pay but not embarassed to flat-out ask you to support him while he goes to school? Not embarassed to flat-out suggest that you give him money? Not embarrased to flat-out tell you that if you were a good girlfriend, you'd do that? Because I think THAT is ALSO the real him.

I assume you've had plenty of moments in life where you've helped out someone who really needed it. Of those, I'm sure some of them were actually grateful. Please take a moment to compare the words and action of those who were grateful, with those who were not grateful. In your eyes-wide-open opinion, which group does this guy fall into?

He said everything he wanted you to hear in order to keep the relationship going. And to keep his living, breathing wallet close to his side.
Joined: 5/1/2009
Msg: 99
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/8/2012 10:17:28 PM

Sorry. I don't buy it.

Me neither.

There's 'caring' for the fellow, and setting yourself up for gaining his 'approval'. You pay, he approves of you and keeps going out with you. As soon as you stop, he stops going out with you.

I was there at one time, I learned to buy my 'own' self esteem and approval and yanno, I have no problem kicking guys to the curb if they even come close to treating me like a doormat.

If you decide to go out with him again, I suggest that you actually refrain from making 'any' effort at all to pay - facetious as it might sound, you might even want to say "This would be a great 'thankyou' gift for my helping you". Then see where the pennies fall.
Joined: 6/14/2010
Msg: 100
view profile
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/9/2012 12:34:10 PM
How old is this guy?
If he is older there are a lot of programs out there to help with education.

My hunch is that he is younger than you by about 15 years.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Help! He wants to move in.