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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Help! He wants to move in.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 mscloverct
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 79
Help! He wants to move in.Page 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
You just told her the truth. I call that tell the truth and shame the devil.
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 80
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/5/2012 8:20:08 PM
Drestin.Red, helping someone out in difficult times is one thing, most decent loving individuals would , but this guy isnt just asking for help, he is demanding he move in with her, loan him money sorry Give him a grant as if she is the Federal Student Loan bank, he wants to take advantage , that isnt right, that is why most are saying kick his ass to the curb.

Being down and out and helping is a good thing being a sucker isnt IMO.
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 81
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/6/2012 8:22:03 AM
To agree with Drestin, I was kinda hoping that the OP would return and fill in some of the blanks.

We don't know the guy, we are ascribing him things we've either seen in person or others on the boards.

This doesn't change my beliefs, that we all have to maintain our lives for ourselves. That she shouldn't allow him to move in, nor support him in school. He can get loans for that.
 Kariann71
Joined: 4/26/2011
Msg: 82
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/6/2012 8:40:48 AM
He's a moocher looking for a sugar-momma. He needs to get it through his head that NO ONE owes him anything. He can and should work while going to school because he's an adult. Dump him fast.
 Kariann71
Joined: 4/26/2011
Msg: 83
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/6/2012 9:00:23 AM
Agree with ShoreLife's post 100%, well said
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 84
view profile
History
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/6/2012 11:21:59 AM
I just think a man should not be living off a woman,call me old fashioned
the only way I think it would be OK IS IF THE MAN(LONG TERM ) became ill, lost his job,
but no, it think it just ugly for a man to take advantage of a woman in any way!
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 85
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/6/2012 1:55:56 PM
Dresden ...


If I have all ready spent a year of my life with this man, it certainly won't hurt to spend a few weeks or even a month figuring out a way to fix this problem.


Why can't he figure it out on his own?

She's not his mother.
 Picelli
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 86
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/6/2012 8:02:28 PM
What is best for him and his personal growth in life?

We as humans are continually growing, learning and changing according to our choices. Our choices have consequences. That is life.

Is it best for his personal growth for you to give him $3,000.00? Is it a good lesson for him to learn that he can live somewhere for free for 4 years, without ever paying a bill so he can get his college degree?

Although life lessons are difficult, he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. He needs to behave like an adult so you can respect him. You enabling him, a man you are not married to, nor are you in a long term relationship with him. (I do not consider 1 year, probably only 1.5% of your entire life to be a long time.) Also, the fact he does not have a savings account suggests to me his irresponsiblity is not a short term thing, but long term.

I suspect OP, by your lack of response, you chose to be co-dependent and take care of him.

You will need friends when you finally reach the bottom. I know I did...
 ParOhmsford
Joined: 12/2/2011
Msg: 87
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/7/2012 12:16:08 AM
When people show you who they are..... BELIEVE THEM...

or try this

Sounds like great guy
Intelligent... kicked out his roommate, and had another plan in place, move in with you
Thrifty... going to START a bank Account.. with a couple of thousand from you, gift of course
Plans ahead.... quit job, go back to school, move in with you, rent free
Intuitive.. knows what you are going to say, answer with, but I don't make much can you take care of me,
Conversationalist.. keeps on talking over your decision
Good listener.... same as above
Inquisitive... loan or gift
Fair... you should help him any way you can, after all you are his GF

And finally you have it backwards of you do this the power does not shift to you... his increases..

You know what to do
 54hollywood
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 88
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/7/2012 9:49:27 AM
Hi; I don't know how you feel toward this guy,But if you and he aren't maddly in love,I would say get rid of him . I would hope you could do better. Sounds like a set-up to live free off you . If you are a sugar momma; can I apply. LOL
 gingerchick30
Joined: 11/5/2011
Msg: 89
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/7/2012 10:09:13 AM
I'm curious how it played out as well. Perhaps she let him move in and she knows the forum would give her grief if she posted what happened? Let us know, OP!! We're curious!
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 90
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/8/2012 10:53:55 AM
to pay far less than what he currently pays That means I would be responsible for everything I let him live rent-free for a few years he could go to school to get a better job.

He wants to use you. You're not his Mommy, if he is looking for this ytpe of assistance. he should move back home. You aren't ready & you told him this, so do not let him move in. He is looking for a sugar mama to support him. If you let him move in you'll regret it, don't do it.

to help him pay for a moving truck, or money for first month's rent. He ultimately wanted a couple thousand without having to pay it back so he could get back on his feet

You're a bank to him. It's not your job to make sure he isn't homeless. He has other options, rent a smaller studio apartment, rent a room, move back in w/parents. This will never end w/him, when is the last time he took you out to dinner, or anywhere & he paid? You need to leave this relationship.
 edjoecdn
Joined: 5/25/2006
Msg: 91
view profile
History
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/8/2012 12:37:59 PM
That's poor.... I like many other "men" have a sense of pride and while we all need help once in a while.. it should be reserved for emergencies .

The guy kicked out his room mate... what he didn't "do the math" before he acted ? didn't /can't find another roommate? WTH ??? Is he stupid ?

Anything after that "choice" of his is ALL HIS OWN DOING !!! So it should be all his own fixing !

If this "man" ( term used loosely) can't take care of his own obligations and commitments then he's not worth the effort... your only getting yourself into worse trouble if you do... allow him to weasel in. IMHO
 erinanne70
Joined: 12/9/2011
Msg: 92
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/8/2012 12:46:48 PM
NO NO NO lol No man would impose on my freedom unless we both wanted it. Whatever u do don't let him move in just for a few days cause he will never leave ..
 good_catch77
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 93
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/8/2012 12:48:05 PM
I don't like the obvious gender double standard on this. I've seen a 1000 times of women almost "forcing" a move like this before. Now that the tides have turned most don't like it and gone to bashing the men.

This specific situation I agree with some of the posters that yes the OP should not help this man. Seems to me he is a user, but I would also say the same if the OP was a guy and his s/o tried the same, not any different IMO.

If it had been discussed before hand that he'd like to quit his job or go to p/t and her take over the bills in whole or the majority of them. So that he can go to college. I would commend him just like I would commend a woman for doing the same. The head of household being solely the man is BS or at least should be. Hey the guy would get bashed as well if he moved back in with his folks to go through college. Even if it was to better themselves. Not everyone is born with a silver spoon in mouth they have to scratch and earn everything they have. Sometimes they have to sacrifice some things to better themselves.

Best of luck to everyone
 MidshipMom
Joined: 7/19/2009
Msg: 94
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/8/2012 2:33:45 PM
Update: Thanks again to all who responded. He came over and asked again to move in, but I stuck to my guns and said no. He was extremely disappointed; we had a heated discussion, and a lot of issues came up.

Thinking back on our relationship, I have made some huge errors and we discussed this. When we go out, I pay. I admitted that this really bothered me. In the beginning we actually play-fought about who was going to pay the check, but seeing as I made more, I just paid. This became our habit, and he admitted that although it was embarrassing for me to pay all of the time, he was relieved that I did so he had enough money to pay for food/gas for the upcoming week. Makes me wonder if two people with such a disparity in income can make it work? I had worked it out in my head that he pays me back in other ways, but the truth is he doesn't. I really have to explore internally why I find the need to keep giving and giving with very little in return. That is the heart of the matter and the lesson I need to learn so I don't keep repeating the same mistake over and over.

In the end, he said he was actually relieved by my decision because he was not ready to move in together either, just felt the angst of his uncertain living situation. He broke down, told me he had been beating himself up over his irresponsible behavior but most of all feared I would leave him for not having his act together by now. He admitted my decision to stand firm made him respect me even more and that he was determined to live up to the man I need, but more so the man he wants to be.

We ended up looking for rooms in the paper; he called a few, and he is enthusiastic about finding a new place to live. Only time will tell if he is sincere or telling me what I want to hear. It's all a learning experience, and thanks to all for your input.
 cocosharnel
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 95
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/8/2012 8:57:50 PM
Lol, Kick that sucker to the curb.
If you want sex and no boyfriend, then
buy yourself some vibrators and dildos.
 cocosharnel
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 96
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/8/2012 9:00:05 PM
Haha, " CURB " side is the answer.
 JoyLovePeace
Joined: 4/1/2010
Msg: 97
view profile
History
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/8/2012 9:14:05 PM
please please do not move in. the guy seem not to get it when you said "no" the first time. this is a red flag already. he is trying to convince you and you would like to be "nice" you OWE IT TO YOURSELF most of all and first of all to be NICE - be true to yourself and take care of yourself first. by giving in and moving in you will be helping him and hurting yourself. In short DO NOT MOVE IN. also, it would help to ask yourself why you are in this relationship and what you are getting and what you really need
 fire_mistress
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 98
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/8/2012 9:48:15 PM
Sorry. I don't buy it.

He found it *embarassing for you to pay all the time* yet he didn't *pay you back in other ways*. I think THAT is the real him.

You don't find it odd that he was embarrassed to have you pay but not embarassed to flat-out ask you to support him while he goes to school? Not embarassed to flat-out suggest that you give him money? Not embarrased to flat-out tell you that if you were a good girlfriend, you'd do that? Because I think THAT is ALSO the real him.

I assume you've had plenty of moments in life where you've helped out someone who really needed it. Of those, I'm sure some of them were actually grateful. Please take a moment to compare the words and action of those who were grateful, with those who were not grateful. In your eyes-wide-open opinion, which group does this guy fall into?

He said everything he wanted you to hear in order to keep the relationship going. And to keep his living, breathing wallet close to his side.
 Akizzej
Joined: 5/1/2009
Msg: 99
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/8/2012 10:17:28 PM

Sorry. I don't buy it.

Me neither.

There's 'caring' for the fellow, and setting yourself up for gaining his 'approval'. You pay, he approves of you and keeps going out with you. As soon as you stop, he stops going out with you.

I was there at one time, I learned to buy my 'own' self esteem and approval and yanno, I have no problem kicking guys to the curb if they even come close to treating me like a doormat.

If you decide to go out with him again, I suggest that you actually refrain from making 'any' effort at all to pay - facetious as it might sound, you might even want to say "This would be a great 'thankyou' gift for my helping you". Then see where the pennies fall.
 lovefun99
Joined: 6/14/2010
Msg: 100
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/9/2012 12:34:10 PM
OP
How old is this guy?
If he is older there are a lot of programs out there to help with education.

My hunch is that he is younger than you by about 15 years.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 101
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/9/2012 2:33:42 PM
My hunch is that he is younger than you by about 15 years.


So?
I'm sure that it has never happened in the whole history of the world, that a younger woman moved in with an older man based much on financial consideration?
Why is it OK for an older guy to use financial support to snare a younger woman-and why do MEN get mad if women point out that this might well be the case ,that she's drawn to his financial stability first and foremost? Yet it's OK to suggest that there is something not-quite-right if a younger man is with a more financially stable older woman?

Personally, its' always been my experience and observation that the most durable and truly functional relationships happen when both people are fairly similar in background, education, and socioeconomic factors. Part of "background" is being close enough in age that each person isn't constantly having to explain viewpoints, cultural references, etc.
However, lets' not ignore the possibility that many people-of both genders who are dating older,are doing so because of their perception that older=greater financial stability. It's either commentworthy of both genders, or it isn't. If men don't want to hear that the younger women on their arms might be there due to socioeconomic considerations, then they don't get to make that claim about the older woman with a younger man. If they want to claim that younger men are with older women based on money, then they are going to have to accept that women will make the same claim when a man dates a woman 15 yrs younger.

I'm sure that both scenarios exist and thats' just fine with me. But I don't like inconsistencies or "double standards". So, if one person makes an age difference a basis for commentary, then they don't get to cry "foul" if the opposite gender also makes it a basis for commentary.
Cindy O
 womannokc
Joined: 8/11/2010
Msg: 102
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/15/2012 8:46:41 AM
Girlfriend... he "dated" you for about a year... and gradually found out your financial worth. All this time, he "acted" in a way to make you think he is golden (or at minimum, "a keeper"). It has all been "a con game." He has been working up to gaining more and more control over you... and since he thinks he has you "hooked" (in love with him), he has come in for the kill (to rob you of everything you have worked so hard for and built for your future). Don't buy into his "act" for another second because it is all a con - it's manipulation!

Look up "narcissistic personality disorder" - you will read all about that type of personality disorder your guy has. No doubt that since he doesn't earn as much as you earn, he has been taking advantage of you (financially) the entire year that you have "dated" him. (During that year, who paid for the dates? Did he apply for any higher paying jobs?... Did he take any classes?... Did he look for a second job so he could save money for school or so he could establish a savings account?)

He has stalked his prey (you) - and now that he has played his game on you (making you think he is a good man), he pushed every button he could think of to "move in" for the kill.

The best thing you can do is to RUN (not walk) away from him. There is no "good" in him - any "good" you have seen in him has taken great effort on his part and it doesn't last - he can only keep the act up for so long.

If he were to move in, it would not be long (maybe another year) before he managed to get his name on all of your property (including bank accounts and life insurance policies and the such). Then, he would find a way to take at least half and leave you or have you bumped off.

Be afraid of those types! He didn't consider your feelings about not being ready to live together... and it will only go down hill from there.
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 103
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/15/2012 9:44:19 AM
Hi Op-well, it definitely sounds like you are being level headed. Thank Goodness! Anyways, I wonder if it might help you to consider that softening the blow, making it easy for or caretaking this guy's basics of provision actually ROBS him of the opportunity to grow and self actualize by overcoming his challenges by himself. He is a full grown adult. As long as he leans on others to be his mommy, he will delay his own maturity. You care about him, don't you want him to be able to stand up on his own like a grownup? Usually in these types of arrangements like he is proposing, what ends up happening is the woman feels needed/in control since he is not pulling his own weight, but she totally loses respect for the boyman. Then boyman resents enabler woman, and after she puts him through school, runs off on her with other woman so he can start fresh. This is an old storyline, and I have never heard of this plot ending well. If I were in your shoes, I would tell the guy I trust he will do what he needs to do to figure it out in the best way. I would not feel responsible to play banker to him, but I might ask if he had thought about getting a loan, applying for financial aid, getting a credit card (ie let him pay off his own debts, not you). Even asking those questions of things he should have considered on his own feels a bit funny though come to think of it. In any case, maybe the words "less not more" should be your motto w/ this guy. As you stated, there are many issues to consider here. Best of luck to both of you OP
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