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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Help! He wants to move in.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 101
Help! He wants to move in.Page 6 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
My hunch is that he is younger than you by about 15 years.


So?
I'm sure that it has never happened in the whole history of the world, that a younger woman moved in with an older man based much on financial consideration?
Why is it OK for an older guy to use financial support to snare a younger woman-and why do MEN get mad if women point out that this might well be the case ,that she's drawn to his financial stability first and foremost? Yet it's OK to suggest that there is something not-quite-right if a younger man is with a more financially stable older woman?

Personally, its' always been my experience and observation that the most durable and truly functional relationships happen when both people are fairly similar in background, education, and socioeconomic factors. Part of "background" is being close enough in age that each person isn't constantly having to explain viewpoints, cultural references, etc.
However, lets' not ignore the possibility that many people-of both genders who are dating older,are doing so because of their perception that older=greater financial stability. It's either commentworthy of both genders, or it isn't. If men don't want to hear that the younger women on their arms might be there due to socioeconomic considerations, then they don't get to make that claim about the older woman with a younger man. If they want to claim that younger men are with older women based on money, then they are going to have to accept that women will make the same claim when a man dates a woman 15 yrs younger.

I'm sure that both scenarios exist and thats' just fine with me. But I don't like inconsistencies or "double standards". So, if one person makes an age difference a basis for commentary, then they don't get to cry "foul" if the opposite gender also makes it a basis for commentary.
Cindy O
 womannokc
Joined: 8/11/2010
Msg: 102
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/15/2012 8:46:41 AM
Girlfriend... he "dated" you for about a year... and gradually found out your financial worth. All this time, he "acted" in a way to make you think he is golden (or at minimum, "a keeper"). It has all been "a con game." He has been working up to gaining more and more control over you... and since he thinks he has you "hooked" (in love with him), he has come in for the kill (to rob you of everything you have worked so hard for and built for your future). Don't buy into his "act" for another second because it is all a con - it's manipulation!

Look up "narcissistic personality disorder" - you will read all about that type of personality disorder your guy has. No doubt that since he doesn't earn as much as you earn, he has been taking advantage of you (financially) the entire year that you have "dated" him. (During that year, who paid for the dates? Did he apply for any higher paying jobs?... Did he take any classes?... Did he look for a second job so he could save money for school or so he could establish a savings account?)

He has stalked his prey (you) - and now that he has played his game on you (making you think he is a good man), he pushed every button he could think of to "move in" for the kill.

The best thing you can do is to RUN (not walk) away from him. There is no "good" in him - any "good" you have seen in him has taken great effort on his part and it doesn't last - he can only keep the act up for so long.

If he were to move in, it would not be long (maybe another year) before he managed to get his name on all of your property (including bank accounts and life insurance policies and the such). Then, he would find a way to take at least half and leave you or have you bumped off.

Be afraid of those types! He didn't consider your feelings about not being ready to live together... and it will only go down hill from there.
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 103
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/15/2012 9:44:19 AM
Hi Op-well, it definitely sounds like you are being level headed. Thank Goodness! Anyways, I wonder if it might help you to consider that softening the blow, making it easy for or caretaking this guy's basics of provision actually ROBS him of the opportunity to grow and self actualize by overcoming his challenges by himself. He is a full grown adult. As long as he leans on others to be his mommy, he will delay his own maturity. You care about him, don't you want him to be able to stand up on his own like a grownup? Usually in these types of arrangements like he is proposing, what ends up happening is the woman feels needed/in control since he is not pulling his own weight, but she totally loses respect for the boyman. Then boyman resents enabler woman, and after she puts him through school, runs off on her with other woman so he can start fresh. This is an old storyline, and I have never heard of this plot ending well. If I were in your shoes, I would tell the guy I trust he will do what he needs to do to figure it out in the best way. I would not feel responsible to play banker to him, but I might ask if he had thought about getting a loan, applying for financial aid, getting a credit card (ie let him pay off his own debts, not you). Even asking those questions of things he should have considered on his own feels a bit funny though come to think of it. In any case, maybe the words "less not more" should be your motto w/ this guy. As you stated, there are many issues to consider here. Best of luck to both of you OP
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