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 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 67
do rebounds heal hearts?Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I don't believe a rebound helps you heal. You're heart is still broken, & you're not ready to move on & date someone new. It's not fair to the other person who is your rebound, as they are being used. After a failed relationship, it's better to heal from that relationship before you date someone else. There is a saying, "The way to get over someone is to get under someone new", but I don't agree w/that.
 wvwaterfall
Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 68
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do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 2/12/2012 8:41:43 AM
So long as we're being as open and honest as we can be with ourselves and whoever we get involved with I don't see a problem. We're all the product of our life experiences. I don't think anyone ever really puts a past relationship behind them to the point that it's like it never happened.

I think we tend to define "rebound" in different ways. I've always thought of it is going into a new relationship primarily because it's part of your healing process, not at all the same as making an honest effort to embark on a new relationship and only discovering once you're into it that you may not have processed your last relationship as much as you needed to before fully committing to a new one

We're all adults. Not only do I take responsibility for restoring and maintaining my own emotional health I also strive to be sensitive to the same process in whoever I'm involved with. If she's had significant emotional trauma in her past I take that into account as I assess how involved I choose to be with her. Maybe I can help her get through a tough time. Maybe she's already in pretty good shape but I need still be sensitive to not duplicating behavior that might trigger a reaction based more on her past than our relationship.

I figure we all do the best we can. Sometimes we misjudge ourselves or others. For me the best way to proceed is to do what I need to do to take good care of myself while being considerate of anyone close to me. Honest communication is the way to minimize the harm we might do to ourselves or others, but there are no guarantees.
 therdtymesachrm
Joined: 7/17/2011
Msg: 69
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 2/12/2012 8:52:09 AM

I don't believe a rebound helps you heal. You're heart is still broken, & you're not ready to move on & date someone new. It's not fair to the other person who is your rebound, as they are being used. After a failed relationship, it's better to heal from that relationship before you date someone else. There is a saying, "The way to get over someone is to get under someone new", but I don't agree w/that.


I can only speak for myself, but I certainly didn't go into a new relationship with anything but the best intentions. In my head I heard " It's been 8 months, time to move on". I thought I was ready to let someone new in. And things were fine when we were just hanging out or going out and having fun. But as he tried to get closer to me I pulled away. Initially I thought I just wasn't ready to be that deep in a relationship with him. I was being cautious, didn't want to go too fast. But then I realized that my heart was saying"No, no no! Someone else is still occupying this space. Can't let anyone else in." Once I realized that I broke things off right away. It was so difficult for me to explain to him that as much as I liked him, thought he was great, I was not yet over my ex. He felt used. I understood that. I probably would have felt the same way if I were in his position.

My point is I didn't go into this looking to get over someone. I thought I was over it. It was only afterward that I realized that I wasn't. I agree that you shouldn't use someone else to get over a failed relationship. You need to be ready to open your heart again. There is no timetable..some people take a few months, some take years. Ultimately I do think that it helped me in a way. It made me recognize that I needed to take more time to get my ex out of my system before finding someone new.
 adora71
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 70
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 2/12/2012 11:23:20 PM

We're all adults. Not only do I take responsibility for restoring and maintaining my own emotional health I also strive to be sensitive to the same process in whoever I'm involved with.


Thank you for these wise words. Sometimes when relationships become difficult, it is easy to point fingers. For me, I tend to momentarily forget that I am ultimately responsible for my own emotional health. I also occasionally forget that my partner is processing his issues as well--which I may have triggered. If both people are coming out of long and troubled marriages, sometimes the skin can be pretty thin.


I think the phrase is 'transitional' rather than rebound. The next person who you have a relationship with after a bad breakup is going to take on some of the unresolved negative feelings - no matter how long you leave things.


If only I had thought of that word in my OP...
 se1300
Joined: 2/12/2012
Msg: 71
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 2/15/2012 9:24:43 PM
Adora,

I fully believe that rebounds do not heal hearts. Because, in my experiences I needed the time to re-cooperate, or "recover... if you will" from the previous relationship. I tried the rebound thing one time, and ya know what I found out ? All I did was drag past problems with me into a new situation. And when new problems came up from the new relationship, the past problems that followed me just crept up and compounded the new problems making them bigger.

But, when I took the time to take some "time off" from the relationship scene and worked through problems that could have been lingering from the old relationship. I was able to face those problems, work through them for what it was worth. And when I KNEW it was time to date again, I was able to go in clean, fresh, whole, transparent etc..
 RunningFool7
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 72
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 2/15/2012 9:28:09 PM
I applaud you for waiting 18 months...a lot of girls like to jump from one relationship to another. It's all a matter of taking time to let your heart heal...can be accomplished with or without a rebound.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 73
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do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 2/16/2012 9:23:53 AM
No, time heals hearts. FWB's can help you cope while satisfying urges. The plus of this is that you aren't leading anyone on either.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 74
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do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 2/16/2012 11:47:42 AM
Not sure about healing the heart, but it does wonders for healing the ego....go figure....

cd.......
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 75
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do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 2/16/2012 12:03:42 PM
Nah but if someone doesnt have any "issues" with recreational sex, doesnt fall madly in faux delusionary love with everyone they hump and doesnt linger in flawed relationships long after their sell by date they can be a fun distraction until you are ready to start healing

Where any of those things ARE the case though rebounds will tend to leave someone with even more healing to do as a result and with some people they can find themselves in an endless cycle of redounds


The best approach though is generally to just stay on your own until youre ready to heal, do your healing and THEN do some random romping until youre ready for something serious again. Any other order tends to be far more problematic
 ataex
Joined: 5/5/2011
Msg: 76
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 2/16/2012 3:25:37 PM
There's been quite a few good points brought up throughout the pages.

As for my personal experience, I was dating this gal a while back that was rebounding and I did not know it. If she had been upfront with me about the whole situation, things may have turned out differently, but since she did not I was left in the dark for close to 8 months, and was strongly attached to her.

The breakup was rather bad, I felt like I had been used and then essentially thrown under the bus. I've since recovered from that and have gone dating again, I would not consider my next relationship as a rebound, I know I have made mistakes, and I've learned from the whole process. I know what I can do and not do.

I think though, there would really not be a rebound situation if everyone sits back consider what happened, recognize mistakes, and use the experiences as a learning tool.

Just my 2 cents
 FreschFisch
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 77
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 2/16/2012 5:05:13 PM
exactly as the femaleconnection said.. you are visiting your pain on another!

I do not however see it as objectionable if you tell the person you are trying to date in just a few non-sappy words that you are moving on and not to expect anything. If they agree well then fine. They is fair game!
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