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Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 24
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Overcoming Psychological EDPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)

Really? We must live in different worlds because I have never heard or read a doctor say anything of the kind. In fact they've always gone out of the way to say it has nothing to do with the appeal or not of the woman.

I'm sorry, I should have clarified. My "experience" with the "psychological ED" was 20 years ago, and this was BEFORE they had Viagra, Celias, etc. Denying the general attitude (among doctors and men...and WOMEN) 20+ years ago, does not negate the FACT that back then, marriage counciling was almost ALWAYS prescribed...BEFORE doctors even thought of running biological tests on the male.

The OP is seeking positive reinforcement in his theory that ED, in many cases, can be rectified simply by engaging with a partner who is NOT his wife...and he asked for "success stories". LOL! I was merely giving him MY own "success" story as an ex wife....who has lived a much happier existence since I accepted the FACT that my ex's ED was purely and completely "psychological". It is of NO consequence at all that doctors (after 10+ years) changed their story...when the discovered that he had 3 severely blocked arteries in his heart. THAT discovery did NOT undo the "PSYCHOLOGICAL" impact which ED had on ME....having been told repeatedly that during that time that HIS ED....was in fact....MY FAULT.

I believe that the POINT here IS....that it doesn't matter whether the ED is biological or psychological. In EITHER case you have a limited number of outcomes, and the "success" depends on the "psychology" of BOTH people....not just one. IF ED is acceptable by the male and female...then you have a WIN/WIN scenario. If the ED is not acceptable by the male, but welcomed by the female... then you have what is a WIN/WIN to the male... but if the female objects to his use of "other partners" then she will see it as a LOSE/LOSE...and either nag him to death, or divorce him.

While my ex sees our experience as a "LOSE/LOSE" situation, I see it as a "WIN/WIN/NO DEAL" He no longer has to even worry about the cause of his ED...whether it was biological or psychological, I...but rather than accepting that I had to forsake a NORMAL biological and EMOTIONAL need, I that rather than ADDING the additional psychological trauma of the guilt associated with "cheating". In essence, I ASSUMMED the RESPONSIBILITY for MY happiness....and allowed HIM to accept the responsibility for his own.
LOL! Honestly.....we're still very good friends...we just do NOT have sex, think about sex, talk about sex...with each other. LOL! Though...some of my dates get a little nervous when we're watching TV and he just walks in, pours himself a cup of coffee....and goes to the family room to play with the grandchildren!
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 25
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Overcoming Psychological ED
Posted: 4/21/2012 9:15:18 AM
LOL! Well, I don't know how "strong" it is, as I've been told that "quit too fast"! LOL! BUT, the OP has stated:

when in fact they have absolutely no problem with ED when engaging in activities that do not involve their partner. I myself leaned on a physical reason for a long time.

To me, this means that since he ALREADY KNOWS that he doesn't have an ED problem with OTHER partners, then....WHY bother with any sort of discussion with the partner....AFTER the fact? HE has already moved why keep "beating a dead horse"?

I would think that any sincere attempt to have that "open and honest communication" WOULD occur BEFORE discovering that, not AFTER.

I mean, that hind sight is 20/20...I would never recommend to ANYONE that they deal with an unresponsive sexual partner for years! I, in fact, did my final thesis for my "Human Sexuality" course, entitled, "Not Tonight Dear, I Have a Headache"....DEFENDING the MALE'S be disinterested in sex. You can "defend" it all you want...but when 2 people are sexually're NOT going to change EITHER one of them with any "open discussion". People ARE what they are.

As to the comments about "pornography".....I don't think they've really given it a "fair review". I heard a wise man say once that "it doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home". Having myself NOT being into "pornography" just doesn't do a thing for ME.....LOL! I decided once.....ohhh, geeezz, must have been like 1987 or 1988.....when personal camcorders first came out; I had one. LOL! Soooo, I decided one night to set it up and have us make our OWN "porn"! LOL! I do NOT recommend this for amatuers, or those with young children!!! Thinking that....after making this video....that I'd better erase it to keep the kids from finding it......I DID "erase" it....but did not realize that VHS did not always rewind to the exact same place each time! I recorded over the VHS....but...with 2 pre-teen children thinking they were going to watch a all her glory....playing with B.O.B!!! LOL! How embarrassing!!! The homemade "porn" however, STILL did nothing to rectify the "psychological ED" in fact made the situation WORSE. Once someone has it in their minds that "sex" is a necessary "evil", there is NO amount of discussion, or playfulness, or porn, or "therapy" that is going to change what has been engrained into them since early childhood.

I find these "discussions" a total waste of time for anything except trying to heap guilt onto each other, where in reality, there should be NO guilt....but rather just an agreement of irreconsilable differences.

Life SHOULD be dealt with on it's own terms! A is A. Calling it something else does not, never has, and never will change what it is by nature.
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 26
Overcoming Psychological ED
Posted: 4/24/2012 6:50:53 PM
Funny personal camcorders story. I also got a camcorder when they first came out. I had a GF that worked for Sears buyers, she could get almost anything Sears sold at about a 50% discount, she got the price the store paid for it from a wholesaler. This was a betamax, it was that old.

I used the camcorder to record us in bed several times, then when we broke up and I moved to another state, I again made tapes of a new GF. (I had a tripod in the bedroom.)

My idea was when I got to be 70, I could watch the tapes and relive my youth.

Then I broke up with that women, and moved in with a women I later married. I left the tapes on a table by a video recorder, and my finance put them in and watched them. Yikes, I could never be a cheater, I am just too careless.

Sadly, and foolishly, I agreed to throw them into the garbage shoot. I was tempted to go down to the first floor and try and retrive them.

I agree with you, no sense trying to deal with an unresponsive sexual partner, it hasn't worked out for me either. Either accept it or move on.
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 27
Overcoming Psychological ED
Posted: 4/24/2012 7:01:51 PM
But I do think there is Psychological ED. There are 2 things a women can say that always turn me off from sex.

1) Hurry up, I only have 10 minutes.
2) I never do oral.

Sexual chemisty does go a long way towards changing how we interact with each other. I think this is more obvious for a man than a women, since it is impossible for a man to fake a lack of sexual desire.

And no doubt in my mind a lot of men just have a low sex drive, and for other men their drive just declines a lot as they age. Some men have a mental desire for sex, but lack the hormones to really perform like they remember in their youth, and then like most people, they blame their partner for their own problems.
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 28
Overcoming Psychological ED
Posted: 8/27/2012 7:07:07 AM

Thanks in advance for your thoughts, feelings, tips, on the subject.

Psychological happens in your head. Dating happens in the real world. Live in the moment and it will be alright.
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 29
Overcoming Psychological ED
Posted: 8/27/2012 7:33:45 AM
Isn't it natural for a man to have a greater desire for sex often with someone that he feels very comfortable and attracted to? And a woman that he feels is judging him in some way perhaps he can't preform as well?

That said, it is most people's nature to blame their problems on anyone else in site. This goes for sex, getting fired from jobs, gaining weight, just about everyone plays the victum from time to time. Makes you feel better that a fcked up life is someone elses fault.

Like many things, Psychological ED all depends on circumstances, truth is in the details, but for sure as we get older hormones decline.
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 30
Overcoming Psychological ED
Posted: 8/27/2012 1:57:18 PM
^^^ They same applies to women only we hide it better, it's not front and centre, so to speak.

Many women come out of broken relationships, failed marriages, job loss, etc. or they just haven't either been with someone in a long time or the thought of sex with someone new can be daunting, at best. Many are slow to respond, our bodys betray us, we're scared to enjoy and let go and on and on.

So for those that blast men as "this is their problem", perhaps take a good look in the mirror. And really, this is a couple's issue and both need to be open, honest and straight forward and both should have the goal of a successful sexual relationship in their sights.
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