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 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 272
55 year old dad with small childrenPage 10 of 25    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)
@274: Yeah, You'll need some. The "gucci bags" from the "all about me " gang should be surfacing soon. Let the Geritol Jamboree begin.
@277 & 78 You guys are right. they're really not for us anyway; I agree. But to come at us with that silly stuff like "looking for a mother". This is 2012 right? More fathers are raising kids than ever before. Joint custody is the norm now not the exception. Some of these elderly folks really need to get up to speed.
 JoseMadre
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 273
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/6/2012 9:09:58 AM
I hear you. I'm 48 with an 8 year old. Most of the women I meet who are close to my age have all of their children either out of the house or the kids are old enough to be but are at university, so I tend to go younger out of necessity. I personally don't care if she's 21 or 61, if we click we click, but most people do not seem to have that attitude. Good fishing!
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 274
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/6/2012 9:20:50 AM
Boys...Boys...nothing's changed for us....women who don't find us attractive...physically, emotionally, with or without our children are a way of life...nothings changed...they probably found us unattractive before children (BC).

So, wadyagonnado???cry about those who aren't interested??? Or pull up yer bootstraps and find one that does find us attractive...all of us-our children included....cause there are women out there who aren't done with it all...and are capable of loving us-our children included...maybe not every one of them...but, it only takes one.
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 275
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/6/2012 12:45:47 PM
Hey (older) ladies what happened to falling in love? Chemistry? Sexual Attraction? So a great looking, well dressed man walks up to you at a party and introduces himself. And you're thinking wow I want some of that! You have a couple of casual dates and the mutual attraction is very strong. He is a solid guy, knows how to treat a woman, is well known in the community, financially secure, etc etc. This has been real life dating, so neither of you have spilled your guts about your private lives. So you finally learn he has 2 small children.

Do you hit the reject button?

Yes, I would if they were under 18 or 20 years old.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 276
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/6/2012 12:52:07 PM

Yes, I would if they were under 18 or 20 years old


OK...that was easy...NEXT
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 277
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/6/2012 1:05:17 PM

Hey (older) ladies what happened to falling in love? Chemistry? Sexual Attraction? So a great looking, well dressed man walks up to you at a party and introduces himself. And you're thinking wow I want some of that! You have a couple of casual dates and the mutual attraction is very strong. He is a solid guy, knows how to treat a woman, is well known in the community, financially secure, etc etc. This has been real life dating, so neither of you have spilled your guts about your private lives. So you finally learn he has 2 small children.
Do you hit the reject button?


Yes.

It isn’t the only thing I hit the reject button for though, if that makes any difference. Many things on my list of non-starters are different from what other people consider non-starters. Isn't that true for all of us? Isn’t it neat how everyone has different criteria? It seems that getting mad about that is like getting mad that the earth turns.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 278
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/6/2012 1:26:40 PM

Hey (older) ladies what happened to falling in love? Chemistry? Sexual Attraction? So a great looking, well dressed man walks up to you at a party and introduces himself. And you're thinking wow I want some of that! You have a couple of casual dates and the mutual attraction is very strong. He is a solid guy, knows how to treat a woman, is well known in the community, financially secure, etc etc. This has been real life dating, so neither of you have spilled your guts about your private lives. So you finally learn he has 2 small children.

Do you hit the reject button?


This scenario is weird to me. What does that mean "you finally learn he has 2 small
children"? There are things that come up in conversations when you're just getting
to know someone and, for me, marital status and children come up in the course
of an ordinary conversation. I wouldn't accept a date with someone who was married
and I wouldn't accept a date with someone who had small children. As said above,
those are definite non-starters. Who gets into these relationships and then all of a
sudden a "whoops...did I mention I've got toddlers or young kids living at home" sort
of conversation comes up?

I don't get why not dating a fat person or an ugly person is perfectly acceptable
because of standards, but refusing to date someone with children puts you in the
mean old biddy, AARP flashing card catagory.

Guess it just depends what YOUR particular non starter is.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 279
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/6/2012 1:37:08 PM
Guess it just depends what YOUR particular non starter is.


One of mine is women who smoke...smoking kills....children can too...they just take longer.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 282
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/6/2012 2:07:58 PM
Not a single one has had a problem with my small children


Who wrote this??


Hello everyone. I'm 55 years old with a 4 year old son and an 8 year old daughter. It always comes up eventually when dating...and the reaction is universally negative. Politely as i can, I tell them my kids don't need a mother..they have one. The subject always ruins what was a fun evening. But I have to be truthful when women ask me casual questions about my children. I don't know another way to handle the situation without answering the question honestly. I'm thinking about focusing my dating energy on younger women with school age children, but thats another can of worms!

Hhhmm....

Anyways...happy you have met someone.
Good Luck...
 Ready_Real
Joined: 12/30/2010
Msg: 283
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/6/2012 2:13:14 PM
For some reason my computer is not allowing me to cut/paste today. However, to answer the question of the moment: "No. I absolutely would not hit the reject button."
In the first place, nobody should consider hitting the reject button to be an appreciative, courteous way of responding to anyone who has taken the time to write a polite message of introduction/interest, but i'm digressing to another topic!

Anyway. I'd consider meeting a good man my own age with young children (as distinct from infants whose needs include feedings, diapering, potty training and daycare) to be a wonderful happening. For one thing, my late husband and I always hoped to have one or two more children, but a disease made this wish impossible. For another, i've spent the past 45 years around kids, and imo, not much feels more wonderful than that. BUT. There is a huge difference among "parenting" styles/approaches. My biggest concern would have far less to do with a man's children (specifically ages 3-18) and nearly everything to do with his own parenting as well as the degree of mutual respect/reinforcement he shares with his children's mom. Frankly, the decades spent in my profession have left me fairly certain that mere biology does not extend to a lifetime's worth of "good parenting."

If anything, 45+ single dads (and moms) should take a minute to respect and appreciate
someone their own age who knows him/herself well enough to recognize that nothing ------ and I do mean absolutely nothing ------ represents a greater challenge for one's lifetime than the one parents are willing to embrace when they choose to bring a child into this world. This sort of self-awareness may well lead a 45+ adult to make the decision s/he is unable/unwilling to embrace fully such a challenge. Even though s/he is currently alone and would sincerely love to find Someone, this person's honesty represents the unselfish act of putting a child's needs ahead of his/her own.

JMO!

And P.S. While I would absolutely embrace any young children of My Mr. Right, there are numerous things I will categorically not embrace, including obesity, a sedentary lifestyle, a regular diet of processed foods and fats, smoking, drug/alcohol abuse, bankruptcy, lack of health insurance, an axe-wielding stalking ex, hunting for sport, a garage filled with motorcycles, hoarding, and several thousand others. So each of us is Who We Are. And vive la difference. The most important thing is to be honest in our communicating to anyprospective LTL (long term lover:) . Again. JMO!
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 284
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/6/2012 2:17:43 PM
I just don't get the difference between meeting someone online, meeting at the grocery store or being introduced by a friend - if you have dealbreakers - it's a dealbreaker. And it's the same for all of us whether we have young children at home or are old biddies with one foot in the friggin grave and the other in our Gucci bags being all selfish and snotty - if it's a dealbreaker, it's a dealbreaker.

My choice/your choice. My dealbreaker/your dealbreaker. My list of wants and needs and your list of wants and needs. Neither is more important than the other and neither is right or wrong. It just is. But some of you guys just want us to change our minds, adapt to your needs whether we want to or not, admit we're wrong and you're right. Ain't gonna happen. And insulting us for being selfish, old, cranky, unmoving, uncaring and on and on doesn't so much reflect on us, just kinda reflects on the stupidity of the remarks.

I am happy to wait to find the one that fits me, the one without young children at home. You should be happy to wait to find the one that fits you, the one that doesn't mind the fact that you have children. Fvck, why is this so hard to figure out. We're not telling you to get rid of your kids before anyone will date you - the vast majority of us have commended you on your child rearing and how you have taken the responsibilty on fully and completely. We're just saying - not everyone wants kids in a relationship at this age....WTF, is it that tough to figure out?
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 286
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/6/2012 2:23:36 PM

WTF, is it that tough to figure out?


Yea, but how do you really feel???
 Ready_Real
Joined: 12/30/2010
Msg: 288
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/6/2012 2:38:00 PM

Most older women here don't have a chance in hell of meeting Mr. Right


YOUCH!
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 289
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/6/2012 2:42:16 PM
^^Irish, you know I love you - you crazy guy.

The thing is, when I get introduced to some guy or I'm being set up with friends, they may well tell me in advance that he has kids at home or that he's been married 4 times or that's he's 300 pounds. I have some background - I can run or play it through. So yes, internet dating may seem like play 50 Questions or an interview - because that is what it is - a getting to know you. If you want to hide something as important as the fact you have children at home and pop that little tidbit on date #6 - go ahead. It just seems disingenuous.

And it is easier online to discard someone because they don't have the qualities we're looking for - we all do it, we delete, we block, we hit the Next button. Nothing wrong with that either - you're not the only one online that is being rejected, we ALL have been and it's not just a once in awhile occurence, it happens weekly/daily. Believe it or not, some guys don't like my attitude - I know...hard to imagine. But I've always tried to be fair, have some common sense and look on the bright side. I'm just afraid that children are not in my future (unless they are my beautiful grandchildren).
 Marken69
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 291
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/6/2012 3:47:18 PM
What would happen if we took all of us online daters, turned off our computers, put us all in a large room where we actually had to talk to each other and learn about each other face to face instead of off a fact sheet? Would that be Armegeddon?
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 292
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/6/2012 4:02:01 PM
I think in all fairness to women over 45 or so who don't wish to date men with small children, this has to be said.

The average woman 45-55 has already raised her children. She's already made sacrifices for years and years and years for them. Some were single mothers, some were married; but they put in the time and effort to do the best job they could.

My son is now 28 years old. I divorced when he was 9 so I raised him for 10 years and he spent every other weekend and one weeknight during the week with his dad. That means I had him the majority of the time. I've lost count of how many times I had to say "no" to afterwork gatherings for Happy Hour, or "no" to dinner invitations on the weekends that I had my son, or "no" to date requests because I couldn't get (or afford) a babysitter, or "no" to friends and/or romantic interests who'd invited me for a weekend to their house down at the Jersey Shore. There were countless "no's" during those years because my first priority was my son.

I'm very fortunate that the kid is a mathematical genius and continually scored in the top 1% of the nation mathmatically; he earned his Master's at MIT and was recruited into one of the biggest and most profitable companies in this country. I have no doubt he'll go on to be a very successful young man.

That didn't happen by accident.

It was years and years of sacrifice, responsible parenting, and always being there for my son. He's an adult now, extremely successful, owns his own home and will go far in life. I did the best job I possibly could with what I had, and my job is now finished.

Those men who've chosen - for whatever reason - to wait until they were 47 or 50 to have kids are just starting out on the journey that many of us have already taken. But the point is, we've already taken that journey and we feel we've earned the right to now enjoy our middle years and be able to start saying "yes" to those impulse invitations after work or on the weekends. We've already sat through the Disney Movies and soccer games and baseball practices and have earned time for ourselves, now.

To those men who are only now having children at 50, what were you all doing 20 or 25 years ago when WE were rushing home from work in snowstorms to pick up our kids at daycare before 6 PM or we'd be penalized $10 for every 5 minutes we were late? Perhaps you were enjoying a solitary night at home, or gathering with coworkers for a fun night of Happy Hour after work? What were you all doing on the weekends when we were home with our kids watching Sesame Street movies or helping them build a makeshift tent in the living room to camp out in? Perhaps you were enjoying sleeping in late and maybe going out that night with the guys, or perhaps going away with a romantic interest (or your last wife) for a weekend in the Bahamas or the mountains?

The point is, while you were all doing things that didn't include hard work and sacrifice every single day for children, WE were.

Now the roles have reversed. We've put in our 20+ years of hard work and sacrifice, and we don't want to spend our weekends hanging out watching Sesame Street movies or Disney movies with someone else's kids. We don't want to be told two hours before we're supposed to leave for a concert that we've been looking forward to all month that you can't go now because your child has the flu. If we decide to invite you over for a romantic dinner one evening, we don't want to be told that the sitter isn't available so it's a no-go. We don't want to hear that you can't accompany us to our sister's/cousin's/best friend's wedding because you've got your kids that weekend and the ex refuses to switch weekends with you.

For those of us who don't want to date men with small children, it's because we've already BEEN there and don't want to do it, again. We've done our part and have earned the freedom to now do what we want to do. We're ready to move on to the next stage of our lives, not revisit what we've just completed doing for the last 20+ years.

And that's our choice because we've earned it. To call women who've worked hard for years and sacrificed many things to bring their children to adulthood, "selfish" and "bitter" and "self absorbed" - simply because they don't want to date men with young children - is absolutely ludicrous and uncalled-for. We all make our own choices, and those who've chosen parenthood in their middle years aren't owed a damned thing from those who had chosen to raise their kids in their youth and are now finally enjoying their freedom after a job well done.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 293
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/6/2012 4:09:35 PM
Golf clap...we get it...here's a virtual pat on the shoulder...

Edit for belows comments:


Jesus, bitter much?


Actually, those were my very thoughts...thank you for expressing them for me.

 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 294
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/6/2012 4:12:23 PM

Golf clap...we get it...here's a virtual pat on the shoulder...

Yes, I KNOW you get it. I'm addressing those who feel they have a right to call women "selfish" and "bitter" just because their idea of a good time doesn't include hanging out with their boyfriend's kids on a Saturday night.

Jesus, bitter much?
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 295
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/6/2012 7:54:14 PM
re: msg 297: You know Jersey, my custody arrangement is what yours was. My x does the every other weekend/ 1 or 2 weeknights. So , I'm not asking for extra points either. You and various others should not have to settle for guys with kids from the "B" lot . Something tells me that's too draconian. As Dads we're all different and our situations differ. By being so rigid; you've grouped us all into one. Well, I guess that's why we're pissed off that we even have to be on this site. We don't want to settle. No worries, we'll be here for a while.
 flashover13
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 297
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History
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/7/2012 2:29:43 AM
wow listening to some of you women, you make motherhood sound like a farking life sentence ,sacrafice, struggle,just got by ,had to work !!!! BFD what the hell do you think guys do ? we do the same stuff an still pay you women maintanence ,what about things like the joy off your kids ,fun , achivement , love , man ive got 3 children 6-8-10 and share custody with the ex ,we get on fine by the way , and i wouldnt give up one moment with them for any women who feels SHE needs to be my priority , i always find it amazing that a man with MONEY doesnt have many female detractors even if his children are young and at home ? they will date you !
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 298
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/7/2012 6:12:26 AM

This scenario is how normal dating and couples got together before the internet. Physical attraction, chemistry, clever conversation etc etc, Does anybody remember that face to face stuff?


Yeah, I do remember the face to face stuff. Things like where are you from,
do you work around here, are you married, do you have kids, do you have
grandkids, did you go to school around here, what do you like to do when you're
not working...etc.

All those normal questions that come up in day to day conversations. Heck, I
have these conversations with customers at the bookstore where I work. Once
you have the answers to this face to face stuff and you're asked if you'd like to
date, if one of the answers is a non-starter, you simply say, no.

Questions like, yeah I was in prison, yeah I've got 5 kids, yeah I've been married
5 times comes up well before you've established a relationship, or it should.
At least it used to in the normal face to face, clever conversations before the
interent.

I'm interested to know, what's the difference between hiding your true age or
weight or how many kids you have and their ages before you actually meet in
person? Most people would totally be turned off by someone that showed up
weighing 50 pounds and being 15 years older than they say, why should failing
to mention you have toddlers (when clearly if you didn't think they might be
deal breakers, you'd be mentioning them anyways)? I guess some people are
figuring that personalities or chemistry will somehow override the lack of
forthcoming details.

Ask overweight people, short people and people who lie about their ages how
well that works for them.

Not sure why people are getting heated defending their children to strangers
who aren't interested in dating people with children. I don't put anyone down
for their choices, why the hatred towards older women choosing not to date
older men with children?
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 299
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/7/2012 6:19:52 AM

wow listening to some of you women, you make motherhood sound like a farking life sentence ,sacrafice, struggle,just got by ,had to work !!!! BFD what the hell do you think guys do ?


Not sure what this rant is about.
Motherhood (and fatherhood) is a farking life sentence, sacrifice and in some cases a
struggle with plenty of hard work. Your kids are in your life forEVA.

What some women are saying (in case you missed it, which you obviously did), is
they are older now, they have raised their kids, they are enjoying their grandkids,
they are enjoying the time they have to spend with friends, family and significant
others, and they aren't really interested (at this point in their lives) in being part of
or helping to raise (and please...if you're married or in a serious relationship and
your SO has young kids...you will help) more young children.

Of course there are women who feel differently and who would welcome young
children with open arms. Why not concentrate on those women and stop worrying
or belittling the ones who choose not to.

Do guys really believe it's all about money these days?
I have my own money. The very last thing I need a guy for is his money.
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 300
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/7/2012 6:28:37 AM
@302: Yeah, Flash, I got the same impression. One woman told us how often the father was present. Not very impressive. Maybe that's it. Also,some women just don't want kids. Some older women had them for financial security. The lame fathers were more interested in careers or other wives and these women got left with kids. Sounds like you and I are the opposite and we have to live with this hatred. And, yes, it might be partially about $. Given the amount of time we have our kids, support is low if any. But I still read some woman complaining about her boyfriend "shorting" her on the dollars. Too much. I personally think it's all about ATTENTION. They want to be #1 in your life. When we say "just dating"; I suspect they are looking for a lifetime commitment. My x just secured a pretty good pension deal with her new hubby. Not before he threw his kid under the bus for her. I think that's what it's all about right there. They want to become the kid. They want all the attention and material assets showered on themselves not your kid. I got it. It's about as much of a turn off as farting on the first date. One positive, re: this issue: Some of types are so adament on this issue that it becomes very well known. Early on in the relationship. Thanks. These types can be weeded out early on.
@304 Well, you're correct about one thing. Your child is your friend for life. Your blood. You will NEVER find a relationship of that scope on a dating site that readily admits "only 20% of these people are even dateable". Good Luck, Ladies. Be careful not to alienate your children in your search for Dr. Kildare.
@306 Whatever makes you think any father of a young child would want to date you? Presumtous? Are we? Preferences, Duchesa, preferences.
 PureSentiment
Joined: 1/28/2012
Msg: 302
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/7/2012 6:51:53 AM
This is a toughy to answer honestly but delicately.

I've done my child raising. One of the criteria on my list is that the persons kids are grown and self sufficient, and gone off and are now living their own lives.

I dont mind family stuff with all the "adults" grown up kids. But, I'm past the stage of scheduled weekends with or without the kids and all the dynamics that come with it.

I'm lookin for something a little bit more like before we had the kids in the first place now, so I don't have to take any of that responsibility into account or even deal with it. I'm looking for someone to settle down with and grow old with. Not raise the kids with.

Saying your not looking for a mother replacement is kinda odd odd to me, because if you do end up meeting someone they would have to be a strong female influence involved with your children. Unless of course your already starting to restrict the kind of relationship with the new woman to begin with. Which brings me to my point of not wanting that kind of relationship with a man and his little kids. It's just too restrictive.

I've been there and done that through my thirties and forties and it was hard!!! I dont' want to do it again.

For the OP: there are going to be some of us in this age bracket that can handle this right now and others like myself that don't. It's not personal its where we are at and what we want in lives now.

Keep looking and eventually you will meet someone that just doesn't care because she cares about you. Its a dealbreaker for me.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 303
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/7/2012 7:01:24 AM

Whatever makes you think any father of a young child would want to date you? Presumtous? Are we? Preferences, Duchesa, preferences.


EXACTLY. I'm glad you finally get it.
It's all about PREFERENCE.

I think everyone could use a little luck on this site.
What's the point of wishing anyone otherwise?
Even sarcastically.

Bitter doesn't make anyone look attractive.
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