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 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 393
55 year old dad with small childrenPage 14 of 25    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)
Choices choices....Let me add that I don't find angry obsessive women attractive either.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 394
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/17/2012 10:25:54 AM

Nope...wome who wanted to date me, accepted the fact that I have children, and I found attractive and interesting...made my A-list.


That is exactly MY POINT...I concede that there are certain factors in MANY peoples' lives that will limit the number/range of people that would be interested in them romantically. This does not mean that any of these people has been relegated to some perceived "B"list, or that they have to date people that they would regard as "b" list.


The argument COULD be made that men with this degree of good character and values would still be with their childrens' mothers.
**************
I know, sometimes things happen that can't be helped
.


Now that would be problematic in my case...wouldn't it.


Interesting that you failed to include my whole comment-which I added to your quotation of my post,in italics-so as to make me out to be insensitive? Just off the top of my head,I see there are 3 older fathers of young children here whose children still have a mother that is alive and seems to be in the picture-vs 1 older widowed father who is raising young children. I know that it has not been touched on a lot,thus far, but I think I remember a couple of women mentioning that a man having small children would mean that there was more contact with the childrens' mother and therefore,POSSIBILY,a potential cause of more drama.


Why would you WANT to date a woman who "summarily dismissed" you?


I wouldn't give it another thought and I wouldn't waste my time.


That was a RHETORICAL question.

this is why it's so difficult to find someone-regardless of the children issue

EXACTLY! THANK YOU!
When any person gets to be 45+, there are going to be factors in his or her life that will make it more difficult to find someone if they are single and looking.


DE you tell smokin hot she gotta go back into the pond and I'll tell my g/f she's done...cause the ole gals say we're undatable...and they gotta win the argument yanno.


The ONLY thing that makes ANYBODY "undateable" is chronic negativity and its' byproducts.


Just noticing a double standard; that's all.

You've described you're(sic) preference. I've described mine.

How is this a double standard? I'm beginning to think that the double standard here is that some people think that only he or she is entitled to preferences, and others may only have preferences that the "entitled to preferences" people ALLOW them to have.

I have tried to be as open and honest as possible in my profile.

I'm pretty sure I read a thread about you being a toker...hmmm...not honest there....
just saying!!
KETTLE...

Lol...Oh...I see you hide it in your rhetoric...half way down....


Hmmm-good catch. And the reference to "legal in MI"- will raise questions in the minds of anyone who is really paying attention. Suffice it to say that I am a MI resident and I have watched with(mild) PHILOSOPHICAL(not personal) interest, the ironies of the whole medical marijuana issue here.More than that I will not go into here,simply wanted to point out that the way that information is presented could raise a question or 2.
Cindy O
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 395
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/17/2012 10:53:50 AM

Interesting that you failed to include my whole comment


Sorry Cin...I'll admit to not reading the whole point you were making.


That was a RHETORICAL question.


I did realize it was rhetorical...yet, I was responding to some of the other viewing audience...they seem to not realize that not everyone is everyone else's cuppa tea...thus the OPost



DE you tell smokin hot she gotta go back into the pond and I'll tell my g/f she's done...cause the ole gals say we're undatable...and they gotta win the argument yanno.


The ONLY thing that makes ANYBODY "undateable" is chronic negativity and its' byproducts.


That was a SARCASTIC and IRONIC statement.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 396
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/17/2012 12:09:46 PM

The ONLY thing that makes ANYBODY "undateable" is chronic negativity and its' byproducts.


That was a SARCASTIC and IRONIC statement.


I probably should have qualified that comment with "IMO"-or "in my experience and observation".

Or were you trying to re-state the OBVIOUS-that YOUR comment
DE you tell smokin hot she gotta go back into the pond and I'll tell my g/f she's done...cause the ole gals say we're undatable...and they gotta win the argument yanno.

was sarcasm?

I don't think its' the women here that are trying to "win" this "argument". The actual OP(DE) posted the topic to get some ideas, opinions, etc-I got the impression that he was actually trying to find a way to gauge whether there is a huge percentage of the over 45 unattached women that are unequivocally anti- small child.

I don't think that this is the case, but I do think that women who have worked themselves into a position to have more discretionary time and income for leisure and their own postponed dreams, may be looking for men in the same position.

Why this is a double standard, why it is supposed to be OK for men to have preferences but if women do, its' a double standard?

Good grief-do men really want to get into a dating situation where their small children are a bone of contention?? Do they really think that allowing the ages of their children to come out "eventually in dating" is something that women should take in stride?
How the hell many threads do we get up in here, from people who just had something SIGNIFICANT "come out eventually in dating"-and are upset about it?
Cindy O
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 397
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/17/2012 12:13:47 PM

I don't think its' the women here that are trying to "win" this "argument".


Then you and I must agree to disagree on this point....unless you feel you must win this difference of opinion...in which case I concede.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 398
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/17/2012 12:50:52 PM
Cindy O..

I don't think its' the women here that are trying to "win" this "argument


This is where the men get po'd..because they think it is an arguement...to win.
IMO...The women were simply trying to clarify and/or reason their"choice"that they do not want to be with someone with small children...for whatever reason!!
For one thing...Why do we have to justify ourselves???
...
I do have to say...the few that have taken it so personally or literally..certainly have a whole lot of "must not haves" on their profiles....speaks for itself!
Oh right...that's their CHOICES.....tsk..tsk...
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 399
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/17/2012 1:25:01 PM

Why do we have to justify ourselves???


Yes, why must you...over and over and over and over and over again...is it:


...to win


I think so...so...ok you win.


do have to say...the few that have taken it so personally or literally..certainly have a whole lot of "must not haves" on their profiles....speaks for itself!
Oh right...that's their CHOICES.....tsk..tsk


Let's se what's on my profile that's so to tsk tsk about:


I see a lot of profiles that say "I know what I want in that other person." But, I find that, I know some of what I want, some of what I'll accept, and exactly what I do not wish. So, there's a lot of grey area there...No married, cheating, deceptive, man hating, drug/alcohol abusing women need apply (please be over your ex.) I'm looking for someone to complement, and to complement me. I'm also looking for a mature woman, healthy lifestyle, no crack whores.

TSK TSK Irish!!!
 seki1949
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 400
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/17/2012 2:14:48 PM

btw Smokin Hot and I are officially together!


Congratulations! Probably time to make the appropriate changes to your PoF profile.

Happy, Seki
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 402
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/17/2012 2:36:33 PM

You can repeat "that is their loss"


Funny thing is I never say that...I just say NEXT
 seki1949
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 403
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/17/2012 4:00:00 PM

...but as part of the weeding process.


I feel so plucked.

Hoed, Seki
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 405
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/17/2012 7:00:51 PM

This is where the men get po'd..because they think it is an arguement...to win.

Yep. Its all about winning, not understanding.
And the undercurrent is, how dare someone- or is it only, how dare some woman- choose by any criteria other than the criteria I want them to?
Its pretty clear that there are only a few traits that the PC police consider acceptable bases for selecting a date or mate.
 FreschFisch
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 406
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/17/2012 7:33:42 PM
I wouldn't necessarily change my position in life for yours however..

You are having the wrong argument with these people..

Here is a reality. Women DO search for men with children! That range of women is probably your biggest field dude!! and you fit.. That range is from early 30s to late 50s (late bloomers) believe it or not with a huge concentration in the mid to upper 40s with kids your kids age! Seeing as you like them younger I'd call it advantage YOU!! Oh I almost forgot.. Of this huge concentration in this range most of them actually think they are old!! haha how ironic! but make them not feel that way...

Your life is different now.

You no longer have the freedom to up and go as you choose. Or Id lose respect for you if you did.. Thay are same..

It appears also that you are active and fit for a dude your age. ACtually for a dude 15 years your junior..Keep that up! You're in..

Yeah change the profile to be what reflects your life most accurately. Leave your kids out and you shrink the field! Better yet spend 20-30 a month on a dating website... Sorry everybody but I've found a better quality of women will pay. POF is mostly a hook-up place or you have the forums.. and the search tools are better for narrowing them down to your own expectations...

Just the facts man :)
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 407
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/17/2012 9:02:12 PM
and I wasn't talking about you.


Let me splain how this works to you...you post we comment....you wanna chat with one poster only-go use personal email.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 408
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/18/2012 8:57:27 AM

Here is a reality. Women DO search for men with children

The handicap here is that the real OP did't mention how the majority of these disappointing dating situations were coming about-whether he was dating women that he contacted via online dating sites,whether he was dating women who contacted him,whether it was women he meets IRL-or any combination thereof. However, there was nothing in the OT or the few subsequent posts by the original OP, to indicate that he was dating women who had contacted him based on a "search"generated by the women.

The OPs' profile indicates that he does have children-its' not something that he answers "no' to in the basic info portion, then alludes to in the narrative of the profile. I'm inclined to think that any dating arising from online contact would have HAD a conversation about children and their ages-as I've mentioned before, ones' family is a common "social conversation" topic where I come from,in a variety of settings where casual/social conversations tend to occur. I can't help but wonder if the OP is meeting these women IRL-and simply allowing them to PRESUME that his children are at least high school age. Their chagrin at themselves for spending time on another "potential" relationship that isn't going to comport with their vision of having someone to share the achievement of long-postponed dreams of a more spontaneous lifestyle.

I'm sure there ARE over-30 women who won't mind young kids, may even have their own young kids still at home. But I for one am NOT loking for a man whose responsibilities to young children are something that he reluctantly reveals "eventually in dating".

I'm sorry- but if your life includes younger children, or a lot of responsibility to grandkids, if your work involves regular month-long dogsled expeditions in Siberia, if you expect a military deployment in the near future, if your life includes twice-weekly kidney dialysis,if you are about to relocate 1000 miles away-stuff like this should NOT be "comes out "EVENTUALLY" in dating, unless you make it very clear that you are NOT available for anything but casual/social dating-yes, you DO need to make that clear,because many people PRESUME that an ongoing dating involvement is the prelude to a serious, committed LTR.

I actually DON'T see where either the OP- or the guy who has picked up the topic ball and run with it-have said that they "like them younger".

Hello everyone. I'm 55 years old with a 4 year old son and an 8 year old daughter. It always comes up eventually when dating...and the reaction is universally negative. Politely as i can, I tell them my kids don't need a mother..they have one. The subject always ruins what was a fun evening. But I have to be truthful when women ask me casual questions about my children. I don't know another way to handle the situation without answering the question honestly. I'm thinking about focusing my dating energy on younger women with school age children, but thats another can of worms!

doesn't sound to me like an unequivocal statement of "liking them younger".

Y'know, I HATE this-but oftimes when I return to the OT and study it- I see yet another possible angle...


But I have to be truthful when women ask me casual questions about my children. I don't know another way to handle the situation without answering the question honestly.


Is it possible that the OP is seeking support/permission/ some kind of "concensus" that it would be OK to NOT answer the question honestly? Personally-I just can't imagine someone denying the existence of their children-but is the OP perhaps asking if it's OK to give the impression that his involvement and responsibility to his young children is nominal? After all,"They HAVE a mother...", right? My personal viewpoint on 'downplaying' is that at best it is just shooting yourself in the foot-but in slow motion.
And might not some women think-"what is a man who claims NOMINAL involvement with his young children REALLY not telling me?"

But overall-the fact remains that older fathers of young children, while hardly being relegated to some 2nd or 3rd string of dating-are going to have to realize that it is a factor that may limit the numbers of fish in their dating pools. This is not to say that these smaller numbers also means a markedly less desirable selection. Geez-if you have young children,why would one even WANT to date people who are looking for a relationship with someone who is out of the child-rearing phase. Yeah yeah, I know, spending time with you may cause them to modify that position for a time, but unless the thing STAYS at something different than an ongoing relationship-it would seem like that eventually there is going to be a serious conflict of purpose-or an undercurrent of resentment.

To speak to the last few posts before this one-it can sometimes be difficult to sort out whether a comment or response is directed to a specific other participant,or as a general discussion inspired by a specific comment in another participants' post(s).

I think we all are guilty of tending too much, to think that a discussion is all about ourselves. Perhaps we'd be better served to PRESUME that the comments are directed to a universal, collective,plural "you"-unless it is otherwise specified.
Cindy O
 Justmyslf
Joined: 2/12/2012
Msg: 409
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/18/2012 3:42:10 PM
Well you can say "they have a mother" until you are blue in the face. What are you going to do when they come around, make the girlfriend leave her own home? Truth is eventually you will be living together and how do expect the new partner to handle things. Ignore the kids, then you will be pissed and the kids will be hurt, force the new partner to do something she doesnt want to do and put her in a position she has already made clear she doesnt want to be in, she will and mark my words, be angry and resentful towards you and eventually that will pour over into how she treats your children. Believe me, been there and done that, everyone will suffer because eventually she WILL leave because she cant stand you or the kids. Sorry but its true, I have done it.
 4ever4real
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 410
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/18/2012 5:45:18 PM
I have a 4 year old and I am 47. I dont mind that its hard for guys to take this into account. The ones I cant stand are those who want to get with ya so they tell ya its ok. Then later they use it as an excuse to back out. Just get with it! If ya dont like older chicks with you young children then dont date them!
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 414
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/18/2012 7:11:43 PM
Best motivation I know...it is called LOVE.

Seriously the selfishness being expressed by some on here would make me exclude them if they did or didnt have children!

Some people do not like kids, some people do. I personally find them delightful and have no issue relating to them, and eventually I hope to be a grandmother...why would I limit myself by excluding a man who might be everything in the world I want just cause at this moment in the his life he has a child?

So yes, some women it doesn't bother; some women it does. I think the issue is more how SOME women have to feel SUPERIOR for their choices and don't understand that most men don't want them at all for that reason and aren't just going to take a bunch of flak from them about it...no one wants to hear it...
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 417
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/18/2012 10:02:18 PM
^^^What YOU fail to understand is that many ladies will not want a man with children but many women will. Lots of women would thoroughly enjoy a man with children, some women still have children at home and some don't. But SOME, maybe even MANY, will want to be with a man with children and not run for the hills. It's a choice, maybe not my choice or your choice but the OP and other's in his situation don't have to find many women, they just have to find one. It's the same way with me looking for a partner, I don't need a bunch of men, I only want one that fits me. It gets tougher as a woman ages, just as tough as it is for a guy with a child or children. It's also tough for women this age with children at home. It's also tough if you're fat, homely, have a nasty disposition, been divorced 4 times, are bald, smoke, drink too much, hate football and dogs....we all have our lists of what we're looking for and what turns us off.

What I find is that having common sense, a sense of humour and a willingness to keep an open mind helps too. Some build walls, don't think outside the box and stay with what is familiar. Sometimes you have to let go and just live.
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 418
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/19/2012 8:25:54 AM
@msg 431.........I just removed my response to your monologue. Too inconsiderate of your feelings.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 419
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/19/2012 9:27:50 AM
What you all fail to understand is that many ladies...when meeting / being introduced to men with children at home...they (the ladies) walk away because the these men being fathers shatters any possibility of them being the men of these ladies' dreams.


I think that anyone, man or woman, who meets someone who is so obsessive about...anything...walks away...and it ain't shattering anything...it's called a choice...most of us don't want to be around anyone who's obsessions are so blatently obvious...people like that suck the life out of ya.


So yes, some women it doesn't bother; some women it does. I think the issue is more how SOME women have to feel SUPERIOR for their choices and don't understand that most men don't want them at all for that reason and aren't just going to take a bunch of flak from them about it...no one wants to hear it...


Yanno Giggle's...you might be on to something here....perhaps, it is some combination of superiority, obsessive behavior, and the need to win...that keeps people's saying the exact same thing over and over and over and over and over again again again and again....
 4ever4real
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 421
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/19/2012 11:52:18 AM

The subject always ruins what was a fun evening.


OP I guess it does not matter now as you are in a relationship, but I was wondering when you did date were you up front about your kids before you went out? I mean they knew you had kids before you took them out didnt they? Just dont see how it would ruin a fun evening.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 423
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/19/2012 2:21:12 PM

people's saying the exact same thing over and over and over and over and over again again again and again....


And over and over and over and over again again again again
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 425
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/19/2012 2:50:32 PM
"As you said, the ladies you met were "occasional dates" ...they never had any intention of having a real relationship with you." So now you know the intentions of the women the OP dated??? You must have some special insight or powers.

The thing is - SOME women won't mind a man with children and SOME women don't want a man with children.

See how easy that was to admit and type. And it's 100% accurate, no bullshyt, just the facts. No hidden agenda, no having to be right, no going on and on and on. Nothing nasty. No unkind words. Just the truth. Others should try it as it's very liberating.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 426
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/19/2012 3:08:06 PM
Yanno, it often amazes me when people who've never truly had an LTR councels those of us whom have...and do so with such an air of superiority...


As you said, the ladies you met were "occasional dates" ...they never had any intention of having a real relationship with you.


Well, now...I'm no rocket scientist...but, it's not rocket scientry to know that most dates with new people go no where...and it takes either luck or large numbers to actually find someone who resembles the one....I've often likened finding a suitable mate to be like finding: nirvana, bigfoot, the holy grail, and Atlantis...all in the same day.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 429
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/19/2012 5:37:44 PM
Even more amazing is the fact you "seem to know" those advising you never had a LTR.


lol...I believe I've just been served the "so am I but what are you" slam.

Big edit:


I would have excused myself to the ladies room....and I wouldn't have returned to his side.


Ahhh...the ultimate mature way to say "I'm not interested"
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