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 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 431
55 year old dad with small childrenPage 15 of 25    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)
People please, try and understand things from the aspects of a person who made the decision never to have kids themselves, if others can find happiness now with said *baggage wouldn't that make it like a double whammy on them?

See some have to hold on to their convictions cause at this point in life that is all they have...no pitter patter of tiny feet to ever be heard!

Is there anything wrong with that as a choice of life...NO! and i dont feel any on here would ever try and say so...what is causing the problem is them trying to say it is a superior way of life is a preference..it isnt superior and for as many men who are rejected from having small kids at home there are equal number of men rejecting these women for their life choice and so they have this need to lash out...why feed the hostility?
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 436
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/19/2012 6:13:08 PM
Darling...trust me, is the wisest way to avoid a confrontation.


Well, since children are such a red flag for you and you obsess so much about it...one would think that this would be a discussion you would bring up in the first emails or in the first phone call...not at the dinner table as an excuse to show such childish rudeness...this type of behavior lacks the maturity of your years.
 tinkerbellcgy
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 437
view profile
History
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/19/2012 6:17:11 PM

Why is so difficult to understand...and to accept...that other people would find such "arraignment" not interesting?

Freudian slip???? Thanks for the chuckle.


Why most of you want to impose your way of thinking, your likings, on other people?

Often times, this is done by people who realize the bed they have made for themselves and now lie in ain't all that it's cracked up to be and by imposing their skewed way of thinking on others is their way of attempting to gain control of a less than ideal situation they have chosen for themselves. But, hey, that's just my opinion from observing as I sit on the sidelines of life.
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 439
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/19/2012 6:45:14 PM
I just don't know why some folks seem to be a little daft and seem to want to run on and on. The FACT is still - some women won't mind children in a relationship and some won't mind children in a relationship. What is the point of going back and forth and spouting bits of nothingness. Geez, there are some folks on her I wouldn't intoduce to my cat let alone my son or grandchildren.

Pretty much everyone on here, including the OP and the couple of other male posters with children, have agreed that this whole topic boils down to choice and preferences. Why do some have to suck the marrow from the bone. Please be advised - not a damn person on here is going to say "you're right and I'm wrong".

There is not a damn thing wrong with being 55 and having children and looking to date. They (both genders) will find someone that fits them. Those that choose not to have children in their life will find someone that fits them.

And although I personally do not want to be in a relationship with a man with children I don't want anyone, especially the above poster, to speak for me because I don't like what you have to say nor how you say it. And I'm sure other women posting on here feel the same way....so don't speak for us.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 440
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/19/2012 6:57:09 PM

especially the above poster, to speak for me because I don't like what you have to say nor how you say it. And I'm sure other women posting on here feel the same way....so don't speak for us.


Ditto..not sure why it isn't sinking in that the majority of women aren't going to make a big deal out of ...it works or it doesn't but really sneaking out of the bathroom shows a certain level of immaturity that you would expect in a child...just put in your profile that you have found that you work better with those with no children in their home...

but you said you asked the guy if his kids were in college...what if you meet someone and they have grown kids, the kids have kids and they are a grandparent...car wreck happens and now granddad is the only one who can care for the grand kids...it happens ..so you might wish to include grown kids as well as part of your restrictions.

But please understand in NO uncertain terms...those are simply your preferences on the limits you wish to live your life...YOURS ALONE...they aren't better and they aren't worse and to come on a thread and continue a downward spiral debate like you have done shows everyone on here a good glimpse in what you feel is wrong in your life...we aren't fooled...that is one of the benefits of being this age...we can call bull sh1t when we see it.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 441
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/20/2012 10:19:47 AM

In the past three years I have dated lots of women I've met in normal social situations. Not one of them had a problem with my children. Granted this was mostly casual dating, FWB stuff etc..but I was never turned down for a date or multiple dates because of my kids. Its only been a problem with internet dates, which in most cases is a resume/interview scenario.

Original OP-thank you for the clarification. Especially
Granted this was mostly casual dating, FWB stuff etc
-which backs up something I commented on in a prior post....


but unless the thing STAYS at something different than an ongoing relationship-


You can't pick and choose when it comes to love. There is no logic, rythme or reason to it.

that is certainly a valid observation,on its' face. However,ESPECIALLY with people over 45-it IS possible to have strong feelings for a person while accepting that this person isn't a good match for a serious intertwining of lives. At that point,one must choose
-whether to take a pretty apparent RISK and pursue the LTR-

-halt the interaction short of LTR and remain in a casual dating/FwB involvement with the person

-end the involvement so as to keep looking for love in a package that doesn't have serious conflicts with ones' personal vision of the pursuit of happiness.


Unless you're just looking for a male friend/companion, which might be the case with many older women here who've lost the spark.


Nope-I think many older women here are looking for the spark- AND reasonably compatible lifestyles.


The subject always ruins what was a fun evening.


OP I guess it does not matter now as you are in a relationship, but I was wondering when you did date were you up front about your kids before you went out? I mean they knew you had kids before you took them out didnt they? Just dont see how it would ruin a fun evening.


Again, this-IMO-goes back to that
It always comes up eventually when dating...
the key word here being
eventually. I'm presuming that this happens in dating scenarios that the OP is hoping will develop into a significant relationship-the OP reports that he has little trouble setting up" casual dating,FwB stuff,etc." I'm making a guess of sorts here-but apparently the OP has come to internet dating believing he's more likely to find women seeking serious LTRs. He's partly right-much of the original basis of online dating sites,as well as genuine "matchmaking" services was to balance "practicalities" like compatible values,goals,worldviews,lifestyle, vision of the future, etc. Nobody is saying that these things have to be an exact perfect match. And dating and matchmaking services are not meant to take attraction, chemistry, "love" OUT of the equation, but to balance that equation so that those seeking LTR/marriage are making optimum use of the time and energy they allot to dating/finding a pair-bond partner.

If the man of your dreams walks into your life you arent gonna give a rats ass about the details!

Sorry-have to disagree-details are a part of the dream! That doesn't mean that people simply choose partners as a result of emotionless,calculated study, but for a lot of people-details are a significant part of the dream!

It's also tough if you're fat, homely, have a nasty disposition, been divorced 4 times, are bald, smoke, drink too much, hate football and dogs....

Well,I don't have multiple divorces,don't smoke,or drink to excess,and I love dogs...so maybe there's SOME hope for me,LOL.

I've often likened finding a suitable mate to be like finding: nirvana, bigfoot, the holy grail, and Atlantis...all in the same day.

Ah, I dunno- I believe the bigfoot thing could be negotiable, and maybe even let the evaluation go into a 2-day event-look how long it took to build Rome...


For most normal woman, when a great guy walks into their life, with the promise of making them happy and fulfulled....


Nope-really astute normal women know that they make their own happiness and fulfillment. Having a pair-bond is great!- but people who believe that the Universe must cause some OTHER person to dispense out happiness and fulfillment to them,are probably their own worst enemy.


My impression is female internet daters my age might have a built-in agenda they are trying to follow...

Ummm-ANYBODY who in some way makes a particular point of looking for a pair-bond partner,has an agenda they are trying to follow. Hell, people who use internet dating just to hook up have an agenda!
If you are having so much success WITHOUT using internet dating sites-why are you here COMPLAINING about it?

I still say that the core of the problem outlined in the OT may well be "the comes out eventually in dating". The fact that women are not asking about the kids ages in emails indicates to me that these women are probably PRESUMING that the kids are getting close to the age of majority...

But the inconsistency I'm having trouble with is that the OP reports getting lots of dates from real-life situations where he doesn't have "father of young children" tattooed on his forehead...and that dates from the internet feel like job interviews, but yet these dates are in fact taking place and the age of the children is something that comes out "eventually in dating" and immediately turns a "fun evening" "negative?
As other posters have mentioned, it can be quite difficult for the over 45 ,average,unattached adult to find a GOOD relationship. Perhaps the OP is unfairly blaming the existence of his young children for the "fits and starts" pattern that tends to be the norm for the average 45+ relationship seeker?
Cindy O
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 442
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/20/2012 10:38:36 AM
I believe the bigfoot thing could be negotiable, and maybe even let the evaluation go into a 2-day event-look how long it took to build Rome...


Negotiable..ok...exchange bigfoot with finding the fountain of youth
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 443
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/20/2012 10:46:02 AM

hat is certainly a valid observation,on its' face. However,ESPECIALLY with people over 45-it IS possible to have strong feelings for a person while accepting that this person isn't a good match for a serious intertwining of lives. At that point,one must choose
-whether to take a pretty apparent RISK and pursue the LTR-

-halt the interaction short of LTR and remain in a casual dating/FwB involvement with the person

-end the involvement so as to keep looking for love in a package that doesn't have serious conflicts with ones' personal vision of the pursuit of happiness.


That is the simple reason so many people over 45 are single! We want someone but we aren't willing to RISK it unless everything is just perfect, it is truly sad that people will prefer to be alone vs understanding that the key to happiness is compromise; and most if they had that perfect person drop from heaven wouldn't recognize them as such and if they got their perceived vision of happiness would end up not wanting it.

Until we are willing to risk we do not deserve the happiness
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 444
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/20/2012 11:43:40 AM
From my profile:

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.” Erica Jong
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 445
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/20/2012 11:50:06 AM

We want someone but we aren't willing to RISK it unless everything is just perfect,

No, I'm not looking for perfect. I doubt that anyone is looking for unequivocal prfection.
But I agree, when one gets to be 45+ there is a tendency to have a greater degree of risk aversion when it comes to how the rest of whatever time we've got left plays out. And yes,its' quite common for people 45+ to have formed strong opinions and beliefs, to have built a very satisfactory life and want a relationship that enriches it, not one that requires major re-engineering.
IMO,people DESERVE to PURSUE happiness as they see fit(within the bounds of legality and common decency)-and for some, absence of a significant other does not equal unhappiness. Compromise is good-but when it becomes total abandonment of one's own values, principles, goals and dreams in order to appease a society that believes that one's happiness hinges on being 'with someone', IMO, that is also very sad.
Geez, if all it took to ensure happiness was to have a pair-bond, divorce lawyers would be all standing in line to get food stamps!
Cindy O
 seki1949
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 446
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/20/2012 12:30:58 PM

Geez, if all it took to ensure happiness was to have a pair-bond, divorce lawyers would be all standing in line to get food stamps!



 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 447
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/20/2012 4:30:23 PM
I admire you CindyO....If you are not a therapist...you missed your calling!!

You stick with the program to get your answers..get your point across in a rational...cajoling way but never give up or cave in to the "one sided" thinking of others!

I wish we could all find what we are looking for but ...for some...it's not a do or die thing to pair up again.
I was lucky once....probably pushing it for another go around...meh!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 448
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/20/2012 5:44:22 PM

I was lucky once....probably pushing it for another go around...meh!

Precisely the thought that crosses my mind quite often.

If I was to actually encounter the question under discussion, I honestly don't know what my decision would be-but I think it would definitely be something I'd consider quite carefully. But then, my preference in relationship styles leans AWAY from intense closeness and interweaving of lives...
Therapist? Me? Oh, Lord-the mind boggles...
Cindy O
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 449
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/20/2012 7:36:23 PM

Compromise is good-but when it becomes total abandonment of one's own values, principles, goals and dreams in order to appease a society that believes that one's happiness hinges on being 'with someone', IMO, that is also very sad.


It's odd that when one brings up compromise then the extension of surrendering oneself to compromising ones core values becomes the logical extrapolation....while, I'm sure it happens sometime, I'm equally sure that it doesn't happen sometime.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 450
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/21/2012 10:14:11 AM

"Ah, the Bitter party please. Table for one."


Pot...meet kettle.

@Lady, my point was simple, you can say your core value is A B C and someone else is F G H; that isn't or shouldn't be an issue if in the interest of finding true love if you are willing to risk.

However, to state something to the effect that you had it once and so you might be "pushing it for another go round" shows the lack of desire inside to find someone, it is like an OH BY THE WAY if it happens GREAT!

Which imho is the way most in this age bracket feel and the difference between them and a younger person. When you are in your teens and break up and think OMG my world is ending without this person in it anymore but then you grow and move your life forward and eventually find someone else cause deep inside there is this desire to risk the hurt to have that love again. Most on here have no desire to do that ( I just wish there was a stated intent to that effect so I wouldnt waste my time and energy on someone who feels like that).

I believe in love, I believe my life is awesome as it is but OMG so much better with the RIGHT person and so I am doing everything in my power not to exclude someone on non-issues.

See my second husband taught me how great real love is, and after everything I have been thru I realize I DESERVE that second go at it....
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 451
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/21/2012 11:38:00 AM
I have kids.
I LOVE kids.
I'm looking forward to being a grandmother.
I'm not interested in someone else's kids though.
I choose not to date men my age with young children.
I can do that.
Just like someone else can choose not to date me.
It's all about choices and preferences.
If it wasn't all about choices and preferences, there
wouldn't be any single people.
I don't get what the big deal is here.

People who make choices and have preferences aren't
risk takers and have no idea what real love is?

I'm on the side of people defending the right of choice.
I'm really not interested in the epiphanies or philosophies
of others, as I have my own, especially in this regard.

Seems pretty simple to me.
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 452
view profile
History
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/21/2012 1:12:28 PM
This thread reminds me of someone I met in another country a couple of weeks back. He was teasing me and said that if he had of known me when I was 30, he would have been more than happy to have given me 3 of his chillens!

I truly cannot believe this thread is still ongoing. Some men/women will date those with young kids, those without, those with dogs/cats, etc etc. No two people are alike and I am thankful for that every day! We choose who we choose for many different reasons. And Miss Welsh? Some you wouldn't intro to your cat? God, I love you!
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 453
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/21/2012 2:00:20 PM
I sometimes hate football and will not be considered fat later on this year, so YIPPEE, there is hope for even me in POF land.....although my cats have to give the final approval if a man is a keeper or not, and they are a tough duo to charm. People seem to take so many things personally and seem insulted and sometimes act insulting if someone does not wish to date them. Some people are pots with lots of lids and some find few lids to match. It does seem that some people are seeking someone impossible to find, but that is another topic. I prefer to not date a man with small children, but as I have not dated a man with small children at this stage of my life, I really cannot base my preference on facts.
 wasillaman
Joined: 5/6/2009
Msg: 455
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/21/2012 5:43:40 PM
i sent this out last night to about twenty local women 30 too 50 years of age .
with and without children
so far i have three replys

what will i learn from this ???



hi

i dont require a working mate, as much as a mate that can work together at home .
we live in wasilla , near the go-cart track, palmer-wasilla hy.& hyer spur rd.
lived here 13 years , 15 in anchorage, a couple years in homer.
single dad 9 years now, my girls are 10 and 11 my son is 14.
we ride motorcycles in the summer go to the lake alot, birchwood rifle range for target practice we shoot a lot of 22 cal. some archery ,camping every where we can,
band equipment drums keyboard guitars saxophones trumpets and something else i forget.
you might say i give them what is needed in life. well spoil them yes i do.


I would just like a hang with a mother that can understand what it takes to raise children and still enjoy life and have fun as friends just doing stuff .
we are kind respectful family ,, i was raised on a farm so you can expect a bit of redneck humor.

we are home body's in the winter but its getting warmer longer days :) ,we watch movies from our collection or buy a new one
our home is kind happy and respectful.


i keep busy, Professional Home Repair Man
Specialist Carpentry-Plumbing
mortgage,gas,electric paid thanks to my retirement, bus stops across the street great school, nice neighborhood cul de sac close to lake. well water clean air
library of arcane esoteric knowledge.
a very rare collection of what the
human spirit is to our flesh and the cosmos

very possible home business for a woman,
stocked with information and excellent equipment


thank you ,, michael


maybe we can ask other questions about where and what our dreams are
how to get there.

oh yea we have a mommy doggy and male cat,,for eating mice.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 456
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/21/2012 5:53:26 PM
I think:

1) You should be sending out emails to women closer to your age 54...30 is waaaay too young
2) The first email should be reflective of something you read in the woman's profile...it should be light, funny, and much shorter.
3) Your profile is where you should mention your children...not in a first contact email
4) You should write in word then cut and paste to the email...because capitalization, punctuation, grammar, and spelling do count.
5) 3 replies from 20 messages is better than average.


Good Luck!
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 457
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/21/2012 6:01:03 PM
To Michael on your extremely long letter to prospective women...JUST DON'T!

You want someone who connects to you...who you are, what your goals and dreams are and here you are offering up a ready made family and business to anyone who would accept...please do not try and make this about anything else but your insecurities about where you are in life. This letter reeks of you need a woman and you need one now and you don't care who they are. A woman wants to feel special that she is the one who makes your heart sing...not the one who can chip in and help out around the house.

If I was a single woman in your age:

A. you would have excluded me cause Im older than 50 but still younger than you.

B. I would think you offering the business from home was a bit over the top. It sounds like you want a maid and/or a business partner or that you are renting out a room in your home for chores!

C. Any answer you get AREN'T because you have 3 children but how you approached the concept of dating and having three children! You give a woman no reason to want to know you since you have solicited exactly what you wish for her to be to your family..but not to you.
 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 458
view profile
History
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/21/2012 6:08:11 PM
i agree with giggles on the letter being sent.

especially c.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 459
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/21/2012 6:45:51 PM
Sorry Riptide but see when someone does A. (in the case sends out unasked for letters of intend) and then B. makes assumptions of the reason he isn't getting the responses that are not realistic as a way to bolster a case about how Women are this or Men are that..it just doesn't serve a good purpose. It is almost bait food for the haters!

It is like the fat lady with the bad attitude screaming men are shallow cause no one wants her cause she is fat...no they dont want her because she has a bad attitude. The women who do or don't reply is not an indication of the fact he has children as a cause, it could be they just didn't find him appealing.

Basically he was reloading Ms. Pizzy gun with more ammo which we really don't need on this thread.

I agree with Irish (dont faint :P). You have to use logic when you are online, to assume someone wish to read all that as an introductory email shows a sense of desperation that most women will be turned off by and it further can show a con-woman an opening to take advantage of both him and his kids.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 460
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/21/2012 6:57:13 PM

I agree with Irish (dont faint :P).


Where's my first alert button?? Fading fast here.
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 461
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 2/21/2012 8:48:12 PM
I laugh when I hear the "A list" and "B list". I don't put myself on the "B list" because some men don't fancy me - it just that some men don't fancy me (and I don't fancy some men).

Again, SOME women won't mind a man with children and SOME women don't want a man with children. One is not better than the other - there is no A or B. Some men don't want fat women, some don't mind. Some women don't want bald men, some won't mind. Some men want blondes, some hate redheads. Geez, can it be any simpler. We are not everything to everyone we come in contact with.

The mass email the fellow sent out reeked of desperation. It wasn't a good first contact email at all. I understand the frustration of sending emails with no response because I've sent them and everybody else on here has as well. Irish's post regarding this was bang on. I don't care who you are, we all have been rejected on here and nope, it doesn't feel good but it's just the facts jack. "You can't always get what you want"..."you can try try try" - with apologies to the Rolling Stones.

Get rid of the "A list" and "B list" - it's just wrong and silly.
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