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 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 32
55 year old dad with small childrenPage 2 of 25    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)
I would definitely not tell someone on a first date, especially if they have grown children. Chances are, they're done raising kids and probably have grandchildren. I met a man who "forgot" to tell me he had a 3 year old son and told me on our first date. Considering we'd spoken on the phone and he mentioned 2 grown children, I was very annoyed. Not that I'm a small child hater, I just choose to not date someone with minor children. Like most people in our age group, I have grandkids the age of your kids.

You could focus on younger women with young children, but then you run the risk of looking like grampa out with his daughter and grandkids.

As an afterthought, even though you only have your kids every other weekend and maybe once during the week, the fact of the matter is that if something comes up and your kids need you at any time, no matter what you're doing, it's kinda like you're on call. Women with grown children probably won't put up with that for very long. As a mother myself, I absolutely understand that kids need their parents. And that comment wasn't meant to be inflammatory. I've dropped what I was doing many times because my kids needed me when they were younger. I actually tried dating a guy with young kids one time. We were going to go out of town for the weekend and he had to cancel because one of his kids had a soccer tournament and mom couldn't be there, so it was left to him to support their son.
 TryAgan
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 33
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55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 7:09:29 AM

I would not put this on your profile. There should be plenty of time to bring it up while emailing or messaging a potential date.

I agree that not everything must be revealed in the profile. However, with the children it's much simpler to lay the cards on the table and avoid wasting lot ot time . Then you deal only with prospects who don't mind the situation.

You could also mention that the children are going to receive large inheritance. That would create a lot of unexpected action.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 34
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55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 7:22:48 AM

I'm not going to change what I want in life just because someone thinks I'm selfish - what a stupid idea that is. And really, it is all about me, about what fits into my lifestyle, my wants and needs and I don't need small children


Well, I can't think of a clearer statement of a selfish attitude than that. Indeed, it certainly would be stupid for someone to think you are selfish.......

And I suppose that if some guy you were interested in happened to not want to be involved with you because of your children or grandchildren he would not be selfish either?

I have no problem with people having whatever preferences they like. I do get going about people who try to tell others that their life is limited because of who they are. We all have families. Most have children and some grandchildren. They are part of who we are. Its not limitation unless we choose to think of it that way.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 35
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55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 7:29:42 AM
OP, all I can suggest is that you disclose you have two young children, and even state your custody arrangements. Most women are not going to want to deal with your situation, but some will - let them find you based on what they read in your profile.

You will probably have your kids with you until you are 70. A woman you age may not want to deal with young children and teenagers when she's in her 60's and thinking more about retirement, travel, and quiet times with a man who is available for her and free to do things spontaneously without having to plan around visitation schedules.

While your situation will make for far fewer prospects, it does not mean you don't have any. It may also mean that you will have better luck with more casual relationships (which can still be long term), and less with finding a marriagable prospect.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 36
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 8:14:36 AM
Seems to me this is just another dating preference.
Some people don't want to date overweight people, short
people, skinny people, ugly people, unemployed people,
homeless people, or people with kids. How is that shallow?
It's preference and people want what they want.

It's interesting to see the people that will call something
preference or attraction on one forum and then will yell
shallow on another. I guess it depends on which shoes they're
wearing.

Just like anyone with the above mentioned issues, you're
just going to have a smaller pool to fish from. Quit whinning
about it.There is always going to be something about someone
that someone else doesn't like.

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa



 seki1949
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 37
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 8:59:00 AM

I met a man who "forgot" to tell me he had a 3 year old son and told me on our first date. Considering we'd spoken on the phone and he mentioned 2 grown children, I was very annoyed.


Wasn't there a marathon thread on this situation way back when that exploded into page after page of heated acrimony?
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 39
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 9:08:39 AM
OP
I'm with those who say that you need to mention that you have very young children in your profile. While not totally unheard of, a 50+ dad with kids younger than teenagers is somewhat unusual.

I have no checklist, to me it's about the person. However, when it comes to loneliness, imagine a mature woman who ends up doing a lot of things by herself because there is a scheduling conflict with an obligation to the young children. I don't know about anyone else, but I would never put the man in a position of choosing me over his kids.

I'm not a person who is bothered by doing stuff I want to do by myself-but I can certainly comprehend that,having to go solo to events where it would have been NICE to have the company of your relationship partner, a lot of women will decide that they'd be better served to return to singlehood and look for a relationship opportunity that is a better fit in terms of availability.

And here's something that hasn't been touched on yet-and I'm surprised!-is that young children entail a financial obligation on your part. This is simply an observation and I think I'm PLEASED that "financial obligation" has not been brought up as an issue.

However, it may be something running across the back of women's minds when they decide to stop seeing you. Questions about whether you will be able to retire comfortably, matters of funding college educations, things like that, may leave women with a vision of a financial disparity a few years down the road. Especially for women who chose to have children at a young age and get them self-sufficient while there was still time to make building some retirement security a focused phase of their lives.

Bottom line, for whatever reason, it is a preference and people are allowed to have them. Signing up for PoF membership doesn't create an OBLIGATION to find a relationship ASAP.

Again, I agree with the posters who say you need to make a specific statement in your profile that you have very young children, because they are a very material fact of your life.
ETA

I guess the big issue with me is we're just dating here folks.

Then why don't you change your profile to reflect that you are interested in "dating" rather than the "long term" you have now? That way you would be meeting more women who were interested in " we're just dating here folks".

Cindy O
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 40
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 9:24:05 AM

OP: I would not put this on your profile. There should be plenty of time to bring it up while emailing or messaging a potential date.


I think it should be put on his profile. That way he can focus on those that might not mind having young children about. Why waist your time writing to the wrong person?
 Ready_Real
Joined: 12/30/2010
Msg: 41
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 9:24:39 AM
Most parents would say their children are the greatest blessing of their lifetime. And they would also echo "Rearguard's" post (sorry: I tried to cut/paste it, but for some reason my old computer isn't fully cooperating today!) which affirms that children represent a parent's lifetime committment. It's also common knowledge that the years from birth to age 10 of any given child's life are most strongly influenced by the quality of nurturing provided by parent (or primary caregiver). This parent/child interaction is (and of course exceptions exist) generally the single greatest factor in the (on average 90% formed by age 12) development of a child's character and personality.

I'm sure your referencing caring for a dog and caring for your children in the same plane was meant in jest. And also sure that you are not "there" for your children only on Wednesdays and every other weekend.

It is far far easier to bring a child into this world than to parent that child into adulthood.
Recently I met a gentleman with four children (two under 16) who is still suffering the hearbreak of his last relationship (and only one since his divorce). After nearly 3 years together, the lady (in her 40's) ended it saying,
"I guess I didn't realize what time and energy I needed to do my best for your children even though I'm not even their mom."

I think that from the getgo you should give any woman (of any age) the choice whether/not she is willing/able to embrace the role that she would absolutely play in your young children's lives. And as with any other choices to be made by any two people contemplating a lasting romantic relationship, you should appreciate the honesty and respect she has for your children in making a conscious decision about pursuing a serious long term relationship with you regardless of her decision.
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 42
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 9:26:29 AM
@ OP msg nr.1 Well,so much to say. I'm nearly 53 and raise an 11 yr. old. First off, let me compliment you on your choice of shirts. KUDOS to your fashion consultant. 2nd KUDOS to you for being a cool DAD. However, I do think you should change that custody arrangement to joint. Face it, relationships come and go. Your kids are your BLOOD. Maybe that's where a lot of these issues begin. I'm not going to be caustic. It's gotten pretty nasty on here over the same issue before. I guess the big issue with me is we're just dating here folks. If a woman was 50 with15 kids ; had a hot body,pretty face and good attitude we would LOVE to date her. It probably would be cool to hang with the kids too. Some women have my open minded attitude. Others do not. Truthfully if I was 20 and childless I still would not be impressed by the "all about me" gang or the "tough love" gang. You will find what you are looking for, and as weird as it sounds, it is here on POF. You just have to sift through a lot of refuse. One thing I get a big kick out of is guys who chime in to beat the hell out of single DADS. I think they might become cheerleaders for the "all about me gang" to some way score points with the narcissists . LMAO. Good Luck. Godspeed. CHILDREN FIRST!!!!!!
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 43
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 9:26:35 AM
Msg. 37 -- you are correct. There was a marathon thread about this situation. I think I was branded as a "hater of small children" ...
 SpringsDiver
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 44
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 10:20:13 AM
I haven't yet read all of the replies. While true that having young children is likely to limit the number of women in your age range, there is a good chance you will eventually find someone who cares enough about you and believes a relationship with you has great potential. Especially since the children are with you are a very limited basis, it may not be considered by her to be an issue.

As mentioned, you may also find a younger woman with a child or children. She may see that you are a loving, caring, responsible father and someone she could envision in her children's life, as well as her own.

It's a recurring theme that someone does not see them being able to give up a lifestyle they have grown accustomed to such as traveling on a whim or relaxing around the house and enjoying their hobbies and pursuing their interests.

Ultimately, everyone must decide how important it is to them to be with an adult that loves them and whose love they can reciprocate. They must decide if there are certain freedoms they are willing to live without if need be, in order to enjoy what might be lasting love and companionship.

Best of luck to you and your children
SpringsDiver
 Houston_Realtor
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 45
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 10:48:38 AM
Please, please, please.....can we all just state on our profile how many kids we have and how old they are...would save me a lot of wasted time and email. I will not date a guy with kids younger than 17. I have a room mate who is 56, he will not date women with young kids either. So it's not only women that have learned the lesson.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 46
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 10:49:30 AM
What the heck is the "all about me gang"?
People choose different roads and paths in their lives.
Some choose to have children earlier in life and some choose
to have them later. Doesn't matter why.

People who chose later for whatever reasons would probably
not be interested years ago when women such as myself had kids.
Lots of guys are not interested in meeting women with children
when they are in their 20's and 30's.

So now you have kids in your 50's. Doesn't make you special.
Just means you were doing other things with your life when people
such as myself were raising our kids.

I'm looking forward to having grandchildren and doting on them.
I'm not looking for the daily responsibilities of young children and
their various activities. That doesn't make me a member of any
"all about me gang". This isn't even us against them. It's differences
of opinions dealing with choices people make for themselves.

 astrosky
Joined: 2/6/2005
Msg: 47
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55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 11:27:30 AM
I really see no difference between this and any other preference issue. But like any other likely "dealbreaker" issue, if you leave it off your profile, its wrong to come crying that someone rejected you when they found out about it. That's YOUR fault for wasting everyone's time by leaving that little detail out.

Someone who has no interest in hanging out with someone else's kids is no more selfish than someone who refuses to have sex with someone who doesn't attract them. We are all entitled to our preferences. You chose your situation - realistically you know most women in your own age bracket have no interest in participating in your situation - you can choose to stop pursuing this type of woman and seek someone who wants what you want...or you can sit there and cry because nobody wants to spend their golden years raising another person's family and life is so unfair.
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 48
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 11:56:18 AM
""Well, I can't think of a clearer statement of a selfish attitude than that. Indeed, it certainly would be stupid for someone to think you are selfish.......

And I suppose that if some guy you were interested in happened to not want to be involved with you because of your children or grandchildren he would not be selfish either?""

Get a grip. Why would I alter what I'm looking for, what my preferences are. This isn't a compromise situation as to where to vacation - it comes down to "I don't want to raise anymore children so don't "lie" or mislead me regarding having kids at home". And if this seems "selfish", so friggin what - it's my life, my choice - you do what you want and I'll do what I want. And that last sentence of your's makes absolutely no sense at all - if a guy doesn't think I fit the bill he is free to look elsewhere. We all reject folks daily for less than the fact we do or do not have children at home.

Someone's dating choices/requirements/needs/lifestyle is not selfish, it's realistic and just plain common sense. To think otherwise is stupid.

My cousin married a fellow three years ago, he had 3 children under 10 (my cousin had none). My cousin was more than happy with the every second weekend visits with his children, she liked his kids. Then the children's mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and died. Now all three children live with them full time, she is enjoying "motherhood" but it just shows how things can change for unknown reasons and to be prepared.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 49
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 12:07:51 PM
I'm 55 years old with NO children of ANY age (except me ), and I'm not having any better luck. I get negative reactions, too.

All you can do is answer the question honestly.
If you don't fit in the pigeonhole most people seem to have for everyone else, well, then, virtue (honesty) will have to be its own reward.
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 50
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 12:57:30 PM
I am 52, have never been married, and no kids and have been seeing a 54 year old guy with a 7 and 10 year old that he has custody of...the ex is a flake, but lives near by. I told myself that I'd NEVER date a guy in such a situation, even though I do like kids and have several in my life. We had several great phone conversations before agreeing to meet and after the initial shyness (both of us) wore off, we had a nice evening together and an even better phone conversation later that evening. We have been seeing each other for about a month now.

He told me after our first date that he realized that his situation would not make him very marketable in the dating world, but he felt very comfortable with me and assured me that he would make time, and he does. Even though I said that would freeze over before I would do this, I am seeing him because he has many good qualities and values that I admire and we are comfortable with each other.

He does want me to eventually meet the kids, but I told him that there is no rush and to introduce me when they are ready. It also helps to have boundaries, as we each have our own homes, and even though I plan on seeing where things go, I do have my own life.

I'm actually looking forward to meeting the kids, but I told him that I'm not thrilled about meeting the ex because I don't need Jerry Springer stuff in my life.

The bottom line is OP, is to find someone who likes YOU and your kids. On the flip side, as one who has never had kids nor married, I've been subject to prejudices too.

Good luck, OP!
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 51
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 2:37:39 PM
I have no problem with the OP having kids at his age, I have an issue about something that important NOT being mentioned upfront. He is putting himself thru a lot more trouble than he needs to; and that is making his situation appear worse than it is.

I was a twinkle in my fathers eye until he was 40; I think people should have children at the age they feel they are the best to be a parent.

No matter who has custody of a child, both parents should be there 24/7 for the child so to give the impression that you aren't is imho more a turn off than a turn on. I would have more respect for a man who is upfront, knows that there are definitely certain women who will exclude him because of it but vs hiding the fact he has small kids...embraces it.
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 54
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 5:16:16 PM

After thinking about it overnight, I'm going to add my kids to my profile. It's going to kill 99% of my action though. So internet dating is probably on the way out...as it should be. It's not working. I've always done very well with women in person. So I'm going to get more proactive with attending social events, charities, banquets etc


I think your plan is excellent, and am sure you will not have a problem on or off the internet.. I imagine killing the 99% of the action you get, that you will still be on the run to catch up with it..

nativerock
 Lolita_LeBron
Joined: 1/12/2011
Msg: 55
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 5:44:45 PM

It's going to kill 99% of my action though

What action? Wasn't this the whole reason behind the post?

I personally do not want to date anyone with small children. I have two big boys (23 and 14) and I have done the work and paid my dues. It is hard for people to find someone they can date that will accept small children, but at an age past 40 or 50, that is an age when most parents can relax, somewhat.
 BrookfieldGentlemanTom
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 58
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 6:55:22 PM
i think it's great you have young children.

you may have to find a younger woman who is ok with it and they are out there.
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 59
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 7:30:57 PM
@ OP Damn You! Be ashamed ! You met a hottie. Cool. Al (my daughter) has met every woman I've dated. They both always have a blast. I happen to be very attracted to women that like kids. As I find a caring mother so much more attractive that a member of the "all about me gang". Which brings me to my next point. @ browneyesboo. This is straight from the no whining zone. The most unattractive ingredient in a profile (m or f) is the statement: "I've raised my kid; I'm done: It's all about me now; me time" . Pathetic. Why have any offspring at all then? Sorry, parentcy does not end when you outsource the kid at 18. It's life long. Hence, "the all about me gang". Your 20's are gone. Just like Elvis they're not comin back. Which brings us to the next group of narcisists the "tough love gang" . I don't think an explanation is needed there. Trust me, if they turn on their young; they will for sure chump out a bf in a heartbeat. Not the woman for me!!! Not even gettin close!!! Oh and OP; be cool to the kids; your future is in their hands. Nice chattin with ya!!
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 60
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 7:33:10 PM

There are several females close to your age that have small children who probably love the opportunity to interact with you.


How many 55 year old women have young children?

OP, there was a forum about people who put on their profiles that their children always come first. Although you refrain from even mentioning your children on your profile, there are women in your age range who will not date you because of the sheer attention that young children need--and that they should have.

You don't need a mother for your kids, you made that clear, but your children need a father--how much time per day, week, and month does that entail? How much time to you have to devote to a relationship? Do you plan to let your children know a woman in your life? When you have custodial weekends, or weeks, does that mean a woman would not be able to see you?

AND what is the possibility of you having full custody of your kids? By default, whether your ex wife is a very competent mother or not, a woman in a relationship with you would either be "shunned" and not know the children OR would, by default, so some mothering.

Those are some reasons!
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 61
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/11/2012 7:56:24 PM
I just don't get why someone that is 55 with small children at home would not be able to comprehend why other 55 year olds don't want to raise another family. You made a choice to become a parent in your late 40's/early 50's while some of us made the choice to have children in our 20's. Nothing wrong with either way of doing it, it's a choice.

Me, or others, not wanting to do the family thing again is not being selfish, whiney or all about me. It is a choice we have made regarding how we want to live our lives. It's a choice just like getting a dog, going on a cruise, changing jobs, moving to another city, buying a sports car - all choices that fit into our lifestyle. There are other things I don't want - I don't want to live further north than I am now, I don't want a pickup truck, I don't want to go bungee jumping, I don't want to go out with a fat guy and you can never make me eat parsnips. My life, my choice. I want someone to fit my lifestyle and what I like to do plus have someone teach me a few things and roll with the punches. And I don't want children to raise. I've raised my children, I love my son, daughterinlaw and can't wait to see my grandchildren cause I think they are fabulous. I just don't need to do the whole thing again, I enjoyed every minute of it the first time around and I'm ready for new adventures.

The OP and others in his situation will find someone that fits them as well. Someone that likes children - they are out there. Yes, you limit the numbers - the OP said 99%, I don't think it's that high but it's high. The OP is not the only one with this dilema, go read the Single Parent Forums. But to demand that women date you or to say we are selfish - just not cutting it and makes YOU sound like the whiney selfish ones. It is what it is - your lifestyle choice and my lifestyle choice, both are valid but probably won't blend well.
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