Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 550
55 year old dad with small childrenPage 20 of 25    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)
and I would never advise any woman to get involved with a man over 55 with small children.
Over 55 is not the time to be raising kids, let alone someone elses.


Thank goodnes you aren't the last word on the subject.


It was actually a celebration of epic proportions !!!! because he supported them and now they get to support themselves


Gads, most people would think he was just taking care of his responsibilities.
 BostonWolfhound
Joined: 1/28/2012
Msg: 551
view profile
History
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 5/1/2012 7:53:04 PM
I must admit I found the replies to this post rather discouraging - I understand the responses - but had hoped for a few more "positive" ones - for my own selfish confidence boost :)

I am 50 yrs old and recently adopted two children - ages 12 and ......yikes 3! The 3 yr old wasn't exactly the scenario I had planned on - but sometimes in life we have to take chances - and this was a chance I was willing to take. I am still learning how to manage this all - but have the time, and desire, for a relationship and hope to meet someone who isn't scared off by the kids. I know most men my age are at a different stage but hope that the right one is out there - willing, and happy, to be a part of my "different" scenario. -

Best wishes to DoubleEagle - thank you for starting this post and giving me some insight into my possibilities and challenges in this dating (with kids) venture.
 BostonWolfhound
Joined: 1/28/2012
Msg: 552
view profile
History
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 5/1/2012 8:12:17 PM
bibbadnirish - LOVE this quote from your post "....my kids are my greatest asset...they keep me young, involved, and grounded....and sometimes drive me insane." That describes exactly I feel about my kids - I'd love to "borrow" it -

Thanks
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 553
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 5/2/2012 1:13:07 AM
I wonder how many of these woman condemning men for having children would throw stones at Brad Pitt if he was single and interested in them (yea he is 49 so in six years if he and Angelia split he would be one of those 55 year olds with children) --isnt it funny how some people are so set in their requirements but along comes someone they are willing to tear down their own walls---and isnt that really what we all should be after--someone who is so exceptional that requirements arent necessary any longer--it is simply THEM that will be what we want.
 Hippiekinkster
Joined: 1/7/2010
Msg: 554
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 5/2/2012 1:57:23 AM
Riptide (way back on page single digit):
"I guess the big issue with me is we're just dating here folks"

Maybe that's all YOU'RE doing, dude... I'm lookin' to go long-term. It's either the last one or FWB, no in-between "dinner and a movie" High School Confidential BS for me.
 Hippiekinkster
Joined: 1/7/2010
Msg: 555
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 5/2/2012 2:19:40 AM

Who should be able to exercise our ability to think about (as in "mull over", "carefully consider", "ruminate") what someone else has just posted (in reference to the above excerpt, "CdnIceman") without jumping to the conclusion that s/he is deliberately bashing or being negative!!!

Or, oh gee golly, be completely unable to recognize a serious post disguised with humour and call it "trolling''. I know that could NEVER happen on an "Over 45" forum populated by soi-disant "adults", could it?

So, anyway, I'm gettin' the vibe here that OP's last marriage wasn't his first. A whole range of possibilities become probable if that is correct. The "DoubleEagle" nic is a potential clue. ('Cause I don't look at guy's profiles. I'm not "homophobic" or anti "TG" or whatever; I just think, based on experience, that most adult-sized males got stuck in the "Terrible Twos" developmentally speaking. If I want to read fiction, I'll read Breitbart)

"Mr. VonRothRand in the Fed with a Red Corvette" or something like that.
 Lionesse19
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 556
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 5/2/2012 4:36:56 PM
You were agreeable to having children in later life I imagine and to a younger woman naturally. Young children can present problems with their parents dating for all sorts of reasons and I can imagine potential dates being turned off.

Women can afford to be picky especially on dating sites such as these but it can be that they are using your children as an excuse not to see you again in all reality. After all many people your age are grandparents including women and some have a lot of access to them. I think that you have to support them at your age for years to come and finances would be limited as a result may also be a problem especially if a woman is looking for a serious relationship for the future.
 notdating-forumsonly
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 557
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 5/2/2012 5:22:53 PM
Holycowwow- I tried to write you but you're not taking messages. I live in the same general area as you and just wanted to say hello.

It's a personal thing, but most older men with children have usually married twice- hence the 'second' family.
I don't want to date anyone who's had more than one marriage.
I also chose to date my age or younger when I was dating, so it's not happening here. js
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 558
view profile
History
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 5/3/2012 12:47:03 PM
I love kids...I just don't have the energy for them full time.....
 summer333
Joined: 1/15/2011
Msg: 559
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 5/3/2012 8:51:26 PM
I guess I"m just different. When I see a man's profile and it says they've never had children, I think that's kind of sad. I envy an older person that has young children, my two sons are grown and living away and I've enjoyed being a mother so much - that's been the best part of my life. I'm sure you will find an unselfish woman that doesn't mind younger children even if she's your age. I"d be more leary of the mother of the children maybe running your life through your children- I dated a man that had a young daughter and his ex. was very manipulating, controlling both our lives through their daughter. I finally ended it with him... anyway, sorry to ramble, just wanted to say, there are women out there, I'm sure who wouldn't mind children. Good luck to you.
 JustMe2940
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 560
view profile
History
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 5/4/2012 11:30:49 AM
You have hit the nail on the head. Women don't see it in the same light, and when the roles are reversed they change their position. You need to find women with kids that are closer in age to your kids.

Just jump into younger age category and women with kids will post that their kids come first ...and will let you know if you don't like it to go find a different profile. Basically you need to have the same attitude. You are not asking your date to be a mother (you don't have full time custody), and their role is little more than what a Grandmother would normally take on as responsibility. You don't need someone who refuses to handle that small level of commitment.

I have a older brother who was in the same situation a couple years ago. I was in a less dramatic situation 15 years ago when, my son was 5 and I just got divorced. Multiple dates wanted me to accept their children and treat them as my own ...but my child (who did live with me full time) ...they wanted me to send him to his mom's house to live. (ironic because they had never met his mom, knew nothing about her, and had no idea why I had custody).

I would NOT put their ages on your profile and definitely wouldn't post their photos. You have young kids - enjoy them! If a date dumps you because of them, you didn't want her anyway. If she like you she will stick around.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 561
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 5/4/2012 2:37:53 PM

I sympathise,

I have the same issue. Arent we entitled to be happy too? After all I didnt put this situation on myself, my partner cheated and left me. I just want to be happy with someone else, and no one seems to wnt to give you a chance.



there are many who won't; but there are some who will adore them; not put up with them.

But yes, there are better odds if they have young or at least not fully grown kids themselves; (and a lot of people started later in life so it's not only young people hwo have young kids). In my group the ages of the parents in it range from 25 -60s; and their kids range from infants to mid 30s. There are many older parents with younger kids. If you go to parenting groups, divorce groups, divorce care, single parent groups, or look online for people who have young kids or at lesat not all kids over 18, you may be surprised by how many there actually are. I know just in my immediate circle, I know a LOT. And I'm only one metro area of one state; I'm sure we're not the only place.

Best of luck.
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 562
view profile
History
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 5/24/2012 7:54:41 AM
For the record: I'm 53, have two sons, 10 and 9. No, those kids are not from some second trophy wife, but from my first (and now ex-) wife. She now has a steady SO, who's much older, but whenever they need a vacation or time together, I cover for her. I have an active dating life. She covers for me.

I get plenty of interest from women my age--especially once they realize:

--that I'm NOT looking for anyone else to mother the boys;
--that I'm available to her probably more than she needs;
--I never cancel a date because of kid shit;
--they never have to meet the boys until they're ready to--or never, if they choose not to;
--I never combine parenting time with dating time (e.g. "hey, you mind if I bring the kids along?");
--I never oblige her to sleep with me under the same roof as the boys, i.e. on the same night;
--I don't natter on and on about my kids--I focus on what SHE wants to talk about;
--I show an interest in her kids, if she has them;
--in short, I keep my life with her separate and distinct from my life with them.

Do I have it covered? Does this eliminate that knee-jerk fear that you will have to "raise children all over again." Who's asking you to?

But if not, you're right: Preference are preferences, and there are millions of women out there for me who take it things as they are. So I'm not going to complain about the few who don't.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 563
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 5/24/2012 9:59:26 AM

I get plenty of interest from women my age--especially once they realize:

--that I'm NOT looking for anyone else to mother the boys;
--that I'm available to her probably more than she needs;
--I never cancel a date because of kid shit;
--they never have to meet the boys until they're ready to--or never, if they choose not to;
--I never combine parenting time with dating time (e.g. "hey, you mind if I bring the kids along?");
--I never oblige her to sleep with me under the same roof as the boys, i.e. on the same night;
--I don't natter on and on about my kids--I focus on what SHE wants to talk about;
--I show an interest in her kids, if she has them;
--in short, I keep my life with her separate and distinct from my life with them.


What happens if you find someone you want to be in a committed relationship with?Will
you never have kid shit that involves cancelling plans with her, are you able to keep
your life separate and distinct from your life with your kids as well?

I think a lot of people have no problem dating someone with young kids as long as they
know it's not going further than that. But once you're in a relationship, she is going to
meet your kids, she is going to have to combine parenting time with "dating" time, she will
be sleeping under the same roof as your kids on the same night, unless you ignore them
totally, you will be talking about your kids with her and she will be a mother role model for
your kids.

And that...is the problem and the issue brought forth in this thread.
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 564
view profile
History
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 5/24/2012 12:19:00 PM

I think a lot of people have no problem dating someone with young kids as long as they
know it's not going further than that. But once you're in a relationship, she is going to
meet your kids


A fair point, browneyes. If the relationship continues and gets serious, she will have to address the issue of my kids. But I have been counseled long and loudly by the ladies on this site not to dare look too far ahead. So I don't.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 565
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 5/24/2012 1:41:38 PM
A couple of thoughts-


Arent we entitled to be happy too?


If you live in the US, its' territorries or protectorates, the Declaration of Indepence entitles you to the PURSUIT of happiness.

The Universe doesn't OWE anyone anything.

In the US and most other "western culture" countries, individuals are entitled to PURSUE happiness. If one has at some point made a committment to something permanent( which children are),they may have to work around that committment in their pursuit of happiness.

This "aren't we entitled to be happy too" mindset is not a valid one. Nobody is entitled to happiness itself, they are entitled to pursue it.
This is true even if you are old, sick, broke, have multiple ex-wives and a baseball team-worth of children-you are entitled to PURSUE happiness,but it is not OWED to you.
About the only case I can think of where "the pursuit of happiness" is constrained would be those who have also forfeited their liberty because of a crime(or crimeS) against their fellow man or society.

That said, there may be factors in any given individuals life which may limit the directions that their pursuit of happiness can take. Unfortunately, it seems in todays' over-45 dating environment,(except for extremely old-fashioned people who regard pair-bonding as a requirement), that various factors may impose limitations on ones' across-the-board romance/pairbond appeal. That doesn't mean that anyone is "stuck", that they are universally undesireable/unloveable-but there are factors that may impact someone's "dateable" rating.

Age, body type/weight, having a shaky financial/employment situation, health limitations...I've noticed that all these can tend to affect one's dating activity. And I'm reasonably certain that at one time or another people with one or more of these limitations has said "aren't we entitled to be happy too?"

What we are entitled to is to PURSUE happiness. And yes, I realize that people "can't help" some dateability limitations, especially age and health issues. I also realize that people over 45 with small children can't help it that their children exist-and NOBODY here is suggesting that an older parent of small children should distance themselves from their kids. But it may impose some constraints on your dating pool. It may make that PURSUIT of happiness(which you ARE entitled to) more of a challenge.

I also agree with browneyesboo,one can present an appearance of too much distancing from one's children. It's all very well to say(and do) keep your kids out of the picture if you are just going to date around-but if a relationship forms-the kind where lives are shared a bit more than casual dating, then the kids have to come into the picture. Trust me, if women perceive a man who seems to be overly distancing from his kids, all kinds of doubts and suspicions may cross their minds.
Cindy O
 jonabella
Joined: 2/19/2012
Msg: 566
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 5/26/2012 5:42:42 PM
...the focus is all about the two of you..if U feel a connection, especially the fact that you value their mother and you are confident in ur skills as a parent as well.. relax..nothing negative..take the drivers seat.. kidz shouldn't b viewed as either circumstance or compromise they are a gift just like her..it's going to happen.. believe it!
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 567
view profile
History
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 9/25/2012 9:59:44 AM

--that I'm NOT looking for anyone else to mother the boys;
--that I'm available to her probably more than she needs;
--I never cancel a date because of kid shit;
--they never have to meet the boys until they're ready to--or never, if they choose not to;
--I never combine parenting time with dating time (e.g. "hey, you mind if I bring the kids along?");
--I never oblige her to sleep with me under the same roof as the boys, i.e. on the same night;
--I don't natter on and on about my kids--I focus on what SHE wants to talk about;
--I show an interest in her kids, if she has them;
--in short, I keep my life with her separate and distinct from my life with them.


I have to wonder if this comes down to how men and women have different ways of looking at family and responsibility in a lot of cases. How anyone can make this sort of list about their children and how they interact with their lives is beyond me. Any man that really believes that life with children can be "managed" like this would be someone that I would be very wary of.


Do I have it covered? Does this eliminate that knee-jerk fear that you will have to "raise children all over again." Who's asking you to?


Are you asking a woman to get serious with you, for her to make plans with you, to spend significant amounts of time with you, are you asking her to commit to you and see a future with you? If the answer is yes to any of the above, I find it very difficult to understand how you think you can compartmentatlize your children away from someone who is pretty significant in your life. Sort of bizarre really. I think that any man that doesnt realize that having a person in their life in any way other than casual dating will create a scenario for feelings and responsibilites to arise is fooling himself, or is giving an indication of his emotional capacity.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 568
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 9/25/2012 4:50:24 PM
OP, I am 55 yrs old,, lost my wife 12yrs ago to cancer,, I adopted my son after my wife passed away,,there are many reasons why I chose to do that,, but that is not important,, I really have not had any issues at all with women wanting to date me,, I don't hide my son from my dates, and most of my dates do meet my son,, ( that is not a topic here so I will not defend my beliefs on that) I guess my point is, everyone knows I have a son,, as many women have children, young or older. in my openion,, it's just a one more topic of discussion on a date,, I figured this out a long time ago,, I don't worry if we are accepted or wanted or needed,, or even loved,, I never feel rejected,, as that would just turn in to anger for the little boy I love,,meaning blaming him for what I can't have,, I am a proud dad,,I chose that role, well knowing the sacrifices I would gladly make.. there is someone out there for all of us,, chin up,, ^5
 Lionesse19
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 569
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 9/25/2012 5:23:06 PM
You decided I imagine to have children at a late age and you have to deal with it. You are really at grandfather stage and it can be a dealbreaker for some women to have such young children who are typically time consuming and who are over all that themselves. I think that perhaps they are making excuses not to see you again for other reasons and I wonder if your phone is going off a lot when you are dating? YOu do have to be truthful and I would say that if you had pots of money and a lot going on for you, the issue would magically disappear. Funny that!!
 Indysweetpea
Joined: 9/10/2012
Msg: 570
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 9/25/2012 5:33:41 PM
I am 44 and I have a 5 year old. Having little ones around keeps you young at heart. If you were in Indiana I would date you. I am sure there are women in your area that will feel the same way too.
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 571
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 9/25/2012 10:07:34 PM
Grizzelda (Message 604), I totally agree. That would be a HUGE red flag because A) He obviously does not understand that his children should not be compartmentalized and isolated from other aspects of his life and B) he has no intention of having a deep and meaningful relationship with a woman if he will not include his children in their relationship. What is he going to do? Spring them on each other after the wedding?

Sounds to me like he just wants a female escort and pillow-fluffer, and what self-respecting woman wants that?
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 572
view profile
History
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 9/26/2012 7:29:50 AM
Ah, well, I continue to be amazed at the number of people out there who prattle on about things they no nothing about, especially the effects of being a parent on the dating scene.

Indeed there are many who just don't want to get involved with another person's children, but there is no paucity of people who are only too happy to connect with a parent of just about any flavour.

As with the fact that pregnancy is not an illness, have a child is not a limitation in the broad scheme of things, and opinions aside about different styles of child rearing, Norm's experience is a reflection of the reality of being a dating parent. There are loads of partners out there. You can't possibly even date all the available prospects who would like to join with you in a new family experience.

What I found in my day was that if you look for problems, issues, red flags and any other negative aspects of a date, you will find them easily, but you can also look for the positive things, be an optimist, and live happily ever after...........
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 573
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 9/26/2012 8:59:28 AM

Ah, well, I continue to be amazed at the number of people out there who prattle on about things they no nothing about, especially the effects of being a parent on the dating scene.


Why does one need to know the experiences of being a parent in the dating scene to know they don't want to
date someone with young children?
Anyone who seriously thinks their children have nothing to do with the people they are dating, are apparently
clueless about dating.
People have all sorts of criteria for dating. Physical attributes, interests, geography, long term goals...they're
all things people look at when searching for a mate.
Like a lot of other things, sometimes having younger children in an older relationship is just a deal breaker.
What's the big deal?
As you say, there is no paucity (snicker) of people looking for and interested in parents with young children,
so why not just focus on them and not worry about the people who are prattling on and obviously not interested?
Doesn't make the ones not interested any more or less clueless than anyone else.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 574
view profile
History
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 9/26/2012 6:00:33 PM
Well, boo, I only reflect on those who are not interested being so opinionated about others who are. If you read my post you should have understood that I say nothing about people's preferences. That you made up all by yourself.

Those who are not interested in taking on a life with children don't. Here, however, they have a lot of opinions about the lives of people with young kids, most of which I find to be completely uninformed......
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  >