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 ToThySelf
Joined: 2/26/2010
Msg: 190
55 year old dad with small childrenPage 7 of 25    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)

because I can't believe how many posters don't read the thread completely, and then craft a long post that misrepresents most of what has been said. Its foolish.


If its not true and you know its not true then just roll your eyes and let the thread die. I read the thread and I read several posts where you said this is the end yet keep coming back.
 ToThySelf
Joined: 2/26/2010
Msg: 191
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/14/2012 10:23:23 AM

I am officially officially officially out of this thread. Although I need a nice person to defend me here in my abscence!

Oh, so you don't want the thread to die - you just want people to agree with you.
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 192
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/14/2012 10:24:03 AM
Whoa! What a reaction! Yes, I read every one of your posts in your history prior to responding. So something "extreme" did happen. That will matter to your next partner; it will be their business. YOU said you had alt weekends and Wednesdays- not me.

Why would it upset you for me to note that your situation is very different from what I've observed of the majority of older fathers of young children? People do wonder when there are unusual circumstances. And who knows? There might be very understandable reasons why you haven't fit the stereotype.

Your concern was why older women with grown children might be avoiding you. What is wrong with considering that the divorce timing and parenting time schedule might be factors- not solely the ages of the children?
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 193
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/14/2012 10:28:42 AM
" What is disappointing is these women seem to be in " bucket list" mode, and are looking for travel/hobby partners more than anything else....it seems a bit superficial. They are looking right thru me.....and percieving problems that don't exist."

This, in a nutshell, from the OP's second post is what pizzed a lot of us women folk off. The "selfish, all about me, me, me, whiney" oh, plus the "women discrimanate" against men with children. And you wonder why.....

So please don't dump it all on the women responding to your thread, you and the other fellow contributed quite a bit of negativity in the thread.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 194
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/14/2012 11:23:05 AM

"His age" ... what is the limit as to when people should have children? In one breath posts are "its a personal decision" and in the other "OP chose to wait" ...


The POINT is, and the OP made it, is that some women HIS AGE do not want to date him because he has young children! He is the one who brought up the age issue--people were merely responding to his (seeming) complaint that women HIS AGE will not date him. It is a personal decision and apparently, he did chose to wait; because it was a personal decision, there is no reason for him--or other men and women--to bemoan the lack of datable women in his/her age range.

We are responsible for our decisions, eh?


maybe OP waited for the RIGHT person to have children with and didn't have them for the sake of having them and getting it over with to move on. ...maybe OP's financial situation would have been burdensome if he brought a child in the world. ...maybe OP's girlfriends couldn't have or didn't want children. Was it really his choice? Did it mean he should forgo being having a son and daughter because he reached a limit?



The reasons why he waited to have children are absolutely and utterly moot concerning the issue at hand.


Its his personal business not anyone else's. There is no right or wrong. Ask Aaron Spelling.


People who desire to keep their personal business their personal business do not advertise their business in POF forums.

From the truly smokin’ hot Ms Ready Real
Awwww. Come on: Ms. Smokin Hot Gwendolyn. Give the OP a break. Even at our godhelpus 45+ st/age of dating/romance, few of us would deny that SMOKIN' HOT is what we are yearning in our 20something hearts of souls to meet.


I would never deny that looks attract (and I didn’t deny it), but it looks were all that count, I would have been more receptive to the several 20somethings who contacted me in the last couple of weeks!


And most of us continue to beat ourselves up feeing those guilty "God, why do I have to be so shallow about looks at this age? Just who do I think I am to decide that this guy/woman looks soooooo old, wrinkled, flabby, waddling, and hairy/hairless in all the wrong places?????????? Sigh: I'm going to be alone alone alone forever, and it's my own shallow superficial self's fault" thoughts.


I am shallow, too, I have said so many times, BUT when I meet a man who really thrills me (alas, they are few) he is a combination of looks, wit, and intelligence—there have been times when the wit and intelligence outweighed the looks, but not vice-versa..

And dammit, I said that I would never speak of this again.

OP
What is disappointing is these women seem to be in " bucket list" mode, and are looking for travel/hobby partners more than anything else....it seems a bit superficial. They are looking right thru me.....and percieving problems that don't exist.



Welsh
This, in a nutshell, from the OP's second post is what pizzed a lot of us women folk off. The "selfish, all about me, me, me, whiney" oh, plus the "women discrimanate" against men with children. And you wonder why.....


Although Welsh and I sometimes have disagreeing opinions, she is spot on about this! Who is the OP to judge the superficiality of women who choose not to date him? How superficial is he that he wants that smokin’ hot woman? I will BET that there are some quite maternal/matronly 55 year old women who would love to date him (they will even have grandkids the same age as his children), but I also bet that he wouldn’t consider dating them because they are not smokin’ hot.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 195
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/14/2012 12:00:36 PM
OK, so I'm in OP's shoes...55 with kids at home...I re-entered the dating scene 3 years ago and realized, quickly, I'm not everyone's cuppa...and not everyones my cuppa....sigh...so what???

Some may remember threads about how difficult it is to remain in relationships after the age of 50...we've all got soooo many dayum red flags at this age...we look like a hockey ref in an outta control game....so what if a very few of us have one more offense to have the red flag thrown at us...there's enough fish in the sea-that someone will actually find our kids to be a green light rather than a red flag.

For me...having children when I did was a plan...it was something I'd wanted for a very long time...and my spouse wanted, very much, the same things too...never did I imagine that I'd be doing this alone...but, life gives you what it gives and rather than dwell on issues that are out of my control ...I'd much rather focus on the good/great/positive things in my life...if that includes a partner so be it...if it's going it alone...well, that's ok too.

One of my favorite words is balance...I often remark that anything excessive is just too much....so, in a relationship, I think that my partner should have my full attention some of the time without child interference...the kids should have my full attention some of the time without partner interference...and we should all get together some of the time for blended family fun....to a degree, I think that this is just one more set of plates to keep spinning...because...LOL...someone always feels like they don't get enough of my attention....(funny, the two giggler's always feel like the other one is more loved...why is that???)
 FloridaLady46
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 196
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/14/2012 12:48:11 PM
Bigbadirish, I think you nailed it! Trying to keep a balance between children, partners and blended time together is a tough juggling act and you are correct that someone always feels like they are not getting enough attention.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 197
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/14/2012 1:03:20 PM
One small point...
It's mostly men who have small children at age 55+,
(unless a single 55 yr old woman is raising grandkids or adopted).
We, females, would somewhat risk health/life to birth a child over age 50, so not all that many do it.
Plus there's this thing called menopause, lol.
Most of us birth while under age 45... and a lot of us while under age 40.

So here we are at 55+. We've birthed and nurtured and every bit of everything wonderful (and stressful) that goes into our children.. what a ride!

Whew. And those teen years! Double, nah, tripple, whew. Damn straight.


Now... here are these men, (not just talking about the ones on this thread),
who physically COULD wait till their 50's, (unlike us), to have small kids
and you often hear them bemoaning that the women they want to date near their age don't want to participate in 'The Life of Kids'.

But we well KNOW what 'The Life of Kids' IS.
We had 18+ years of it already..
25+ years of it if we've had 2-3-4 kids.

Fantastic, wonderful, stressful, grand, sad, lovely, fun, many years of it.

We're fluckin' tired!

It doesn't look like it...
we may now be livin' full lives ... involved in a lot of things... working jobs.. climbing mountains.. hittin' the gym.. going to meetings.. whatever whatever..

but all of that ^ done on ONE day, over and over and over, is still nothing like the tired you get from 25 years of The Life of Kids.

Come back when you've done 25+ years of it (if you're still alive) and you'll say "ahhh, now I understand".
 Ready_Real
Joined: 12/30/2010
Msg: 198
Offline and very personal:)
Posted: 1/14/2012 1:29:22 PM
Oy! Some people need to go play in the snow today!

 Picelli
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 199
Offline and very personal:)
Posted: 1/14/2012 2:00:29 PM
Well, I hope the OP finds exactly what he wants with his "Smokin' Hot" date. I hope he gets some "action" (no, I don't think that was a typo), in his $18.00 Nordstroms white t-shirt.

Me - I chose to never have children.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 200
Offline and very personal:)
Posted: 1/14/2012 2:04:07 PM
Why did you change the title of the thread right after my post, Ready_Real?
And sorry if you think I should go play in the snow today... I'll just have to happily decline!
No snow, no thanks, I've the beach type things to go play with doing here.
But I went to an REO Speedwagon concert last night.. and the After Show Party.. and I'm just hanging around home today.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 201
Offline and very personal:)
Posted: 1/14/2012 2:39:54 PM

Why did you change the title of the thread right after my post, Ready_Real?


I THINK Ready's title change was about the OP saying he was NOT going to post again, but I could be wrong.

Not that I am wrong very often.
 ToThySelf
Joined: 2/26/2010
Msg: 202
Offline and very personal:)
Posted: 1/14/2012 3:11:59 PM
Yes, Gwendolyn you are wrong because the OP said several times that he was leaving ... and he doesn't care to partake in this thread ... and he's still saying it ... lol!
 FloridaLady46
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 203
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/14/2012 8:28:49 PM

But we well KNOW what 'The Life of Kids' IS.
We had 18+ years of it already..
25+ years of it if we've had 2-3-4 kids.


Excellent points drumming nut! The OP has only been raising kids for the past 5 years, but many of us his age have been doing this for 25+ years. We were busy with our families while they were out having fun and now it's our turn! It's not that we don't love children, but we know the time and investment involved in raising them and why wouldn't we rather have a man that could devote all his time to us.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 204
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/14/2012 10:34:04 PM
^ and I ended that post with this:

Come back when you've done 25+ years of it (if you're still alive) and you'll say "ahhh, now I understand".



ps. Although I am not looking for a man to devote all this time to me!
It's just that him having youngsters to raise means much more than him and I having 'seperate stuff'' we like to do.
 TopSecretUmbra
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 205
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/15/2012 9:37:40 AM
I'm a bit younger than you (47) and my daughters are somewhat older (12 and 10) than your children, but our situations are similar. One thing I eventually did was to place on the calendar all the evenings and entire days that I didn't have my daughters, didn't have to work at the university or attend conferences, and didn't have U.S. Army Reserve duties. For some months, I only had one weekend day entirely free. At most, I had one entire weekend free per month. I was generally free on Monday evening, Tuesday evening, and Thursday evening every week. After mapping all this out, I imagined handing this to a woman I just met and saying "Here are my limitations, timewise".

I'm pretty sure this would be a bad deal for someone who didn't have the same constraints or wanted a relationship that such limitations would render impractical. Then I considered the things that wouldn't be ideal for me, not deal-breakers, but things that probably wouldn't work for me in the long run. For instance, with my girls, I don't have to work around naps, bedtimes (except on school nights), or other things that I had to when they when they were much younger. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't last in a relationship if I didn't have alone time with the woman on a frequent basis and finding this time is vastly facilitated when children are old enough to have some independence. For me, it has proven far too easy to slip into the role of parent when there wasn't much alone time. And, to be frank, I want a relationship more than shared parenting.

I don't have the time to give a woman who wants a serious relationship the in-person attention that she might want. And that's not going to change for quite a while since there's virtually nothing I can do now to modify the situation aside from resigning my officer commission or dropping out of academia. I don't expect a woman to forgo what she truly wants just to be with me.

I'm not hopeful. But neither am I despondent.
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 206
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/15/2012 10:21:53 AM
@ 207 "I want a relationship more than shared parenting" Thanks for being honest and man enough to admit that. Don't you think you could work that out w/ the x? Give her more $, she'll probably help w/ that.

I'm at the other side of the spectrum. But I'm not going there anymore. Waaaaay to ugly.
 TopSecretUmbra
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 207
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/15/2012 10:52:57 AM
I meant to say shared parenting in the new relationship when you shouldn't be in that situation at all at such an early stage in a relationship. Struggling to find time to be together, you end up spending more and more time with the other person's children and to help out, you end up doing tasks that are "parental" in nature. I think it's a big mistake, was a big mistake for me to have done so, and I won't let a new relationship intrude too much into the time I have with my daughters.

So, in other words, I don't want to enter a relationship where I quickly become more a "pseudo-father" than a companion/lover/friend.
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 208
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/15/2012 11:14:58 AM
TopSecret seems to get it. He seems to realize that he would have to give up time with his children, time with his career and time with his extra interests in order to have a relationship. And why should he?

You are a parent and you have activities that you enjoy. Somewhere down the line a full time relationship will fit into your lifestyle, just not right now. Plus you don't seem to be blaming women for NOT giving up their lives for your life choices.

Your children should be your main priority right now. You're a parent. I, on the other hand, want to be in a relationship where HE is my main priority and I his. There will always be blending of family functions, individual interests, time with friends, etc. and mature adults can ususally compromise to accommodate each others activities. But adding young children to the mix changes everything.

It's not that there aren't any women in their 50's that would be more than willing to date a man with young children, there are. It's just that they are fewer in number. You can't change that so it just makes the hunt a little more challenging.
You guys will find someone that fit you. Keep looking.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 209
view profile
History
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/15/2012 11:29:10 AM

, in other words, I don't want to enter a relationship where I quickly become more a "pseudo-father" than a companion/lover/friend.


Well, there is a simple solution. Stay away from women who have children.

My perspective has been and remains that there are loads of women who will fit into a "with kids" lifestyle, and in the long term, if you form a relationship that is bound to last with someone, they will inevitably become involved with whatever children you have of whatever age. That person will be your support in many ways in life, and your life will always involve your children at some level.

For the women who have finished with children for whatever reason, leave them to live their lives. You can always find another woman, but you can't always acquire more children, even if you want to do so.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 210
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/16/2012 6:48:29 AM
I don't know about anyone else, but I want to know how the OP's love affair is progressing.
 FloridaLady46
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 211
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/16/2012 7:24:49 PM
So do I, Gwendolyn! OP....give us the update!
 Ready_Real
Joined: 12/30/2010
Msg: 212
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/16/2012 7:31:04 PM
And. On a totally unrelated related item (itself the focus of many many many threads)
did the lady look just like her smokin' hot photos when you met in person? Here's hoping for a resounding "YES!"
 Becca0711
Joined: 1/2/2012
Msg: 213
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/17/2012 9:46:23 AM
Sometimes you can date someone your age, BECAUSE they were never able to have children, just because someone doesn't have children, doesn't mean that they didn't want them.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 214
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 1/17/2012 10:02:01 AM

Sometimes you can date someone your age, BECAUSE they were never able to have children, just because someone doesn't have children, doesn't mean that they didn't want them.


This is true...let's not forget that there's also some women who've raised their kids and aren't adverse to having youngsters around again...and there's women who are our age who've hadd children post 40...and there's also grand parents raising their grandchildren....who won't mind a kid or two added to the mix.
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