Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 playfulpete
Joined: 2/23/2007
Msg: 26
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Your butt would be to the curb like last weeks trash.That is so disrespectfull to your current bf that it isn,t even funny
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 27
view profile
History
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 7:39:53 AM
Well the extra bit of information does help. You are 27 years old and if this is a guy you dated at 16 I would assume any chance of rekindling the spark left years ago. But to a new BF, it may be a big deal. Everyone looks at these situations differently.

My Mother (74 years old) dated a guy in Ireland as a teen before she moved to the US in 1959. They kept in touch and are still friends today. He, his wife and his kids visited my parents home and a few times during summers when I was a kid.
My Dad was not too happy about it, but he kept his mouth shut to keep the peace and because he loves and trusts my Mom. I have to give the man a lot of credit for that restraint.
Me? I would get a bent bent out of shape over it. I don't mind my BF keeping in touch with old friends, but when there are motels are in every town there is no need to stay in with you.
In your situation he is not just using your place to crash, but you would be together for the length of the visit. Knowing your self professed sympathies for the guy, you never know if he are going to make a move on you.
It would be nice if we could all be mature about things like this, but Tea and Sympathy can lead to awkward situations.
 Julietsdestiny
Joined: 12/6/2011
Msg: 28
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 7:43:01 AM
Without wanting to bash.....You have been with your current b/f for 3 months yet he is unaware of your 'relationship' previous and current with your ex?
If you current b/f is unable to also stay for a few days at your house whilst Ryan is there then I would have to say it's a NO GO.
Sheeesh I got a text msg from a former ex now friend (of 11 years) whilst my then b/f was around and passed me my phone and I got questioned from here to kingdom bloody come.
All the msg said was "I'm back from New Zealand"
If I was the guy.....Definately find a room elsewhere for him.
If I were you.....Definately find a room elsewhere for him.
The mountain was created when you didn't disclose the fact the Ryan is an ex.
 jt guy
Joined: 12/24/2008
Msg: 29
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 8:08:39 AM
OP:
If I were your bf and you ask me if an ex could come stay at your house, I would say yes, without hesitation, however, when I left your house I would never return.
I think it is disrespectful to even think about having an ex in your house. Just my two cents.
 KingofSnuggles
Joined: 5/17/2011
Msg: 30
view profile
History
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 8:19:35 AM
Well I am glad it worked out, that you were able to communicate the situation with your current and not have it go badly.

Yamaha's reply was about the only worth paying attention to so I hope you were able to read it and appreciate the rose amonst all the sick weeds.


These forums are full of (a) trolls (b) broken individuals who could all use some serious 12 step programming!!!
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 31
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 8:47:47 AM
^^^It's called trust. It takes time to build. Is that what they teach you in 12-step programs? Start every new relationship by straining it to the breaking point by inviting troubled, recently single ex lovers to come and stay in your house for a "visit"?

Sure some of these comments are overly harsh, it's always like that in here.

Let's put it another way, what if it was your buddy who drank too much that your new girlfriend didn't like? Presumably, her "problems" would be reason enough to end it...you wouldn't appreciate her trying to control you...lol But because it is an ex, this somehow makes it different? The difference is that some people really get off on keeping an entourage of potential back-ups on hand, back ups who find you desirable and feed some sort of need of yours that your new partner isn't providing.

I won't bring my exes around and I expect my girlfriend to do the same. You can hang out with your exes all you like, that is your choice. I prefer to put trust in people who won't take that lightly by inviting trouble into the relationship.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 32
view profile
History
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 10:09:48 AM
It's cool honestly but thanks to the ones who didn't instantly assume that i'm a lying cheating individual intent on banging someone else behind my SO's back.



I'm fine with things as are - visit cancelled - everyone understands the reasons for it ... no stress to anyone and no putting unnecessary pressure on my new BF to be cool with something that he might have trouble with.

I've been on the forums a few months now so i knew to expect some backlash from people. Still I appreciate each and every reply. As I said re: exes in general I am fine with my SO having contact with them, wouldn't have a problem with them hanging out although i would probably want to be there. But yea, having them stay over would be a different ball game so there it is.

On a more academic level I disagree with the ones who say that he should dump me for even considering it in the first place. I wouldn't dump him if he came to me and asked that and was honest about the previous relationship status and understood when i relayed my concerns. I'd rather be able to talk honestly in a relationship without the threat of being kicked to the curb every single time I said something that the other person might not want to hear.

I think that fear of an overreaction causes people to lie in a relationship and starting to lie to someone is a very slippery slope.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 33
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 10:18:46 AM
You seem like a nice enough woman. I'm glad you and your BF are happy. Hopefully you can stay happy for a long time together.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 34
view profile
History
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 10:21:29 AM
^^^ Me too (the happy that is) and thank you!

Fingers crossed
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 35
view profile
History
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 10:26:14 AM
If I were asked if I minded that my girlfriend is going to have the guy who used to bang her stay with her, I'd have a huge problem with her for even considering it and not summarily rejecting the idea.

I’ve been thinking about whether I would be particularly happy if my BF had an ex to stay with them and I have to say I think I would struggle.

There's your answer, right in your own post.
 Randal5
Joined: 10/23/2009
Msg: 36
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 11:35:27 AM
I realize it's difficult to include every detail in an initial post, but your age at the time of the former relationship was significant. Having any male stay over night at your home, who is not a relative, is always risky. Glad it worked out.
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 37
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 11:59:00 AM
Since your new bo is in contact and friends with his ex's you may be able to get away with it. This type of dynamic is what i refer to as "intimacy dilluting". Spread it all around with ex's and other opposite sex friends and you never really need to open your heart with one guy and take a risk. Personally when i encounter the dilluting type i sense tons of drama and i get bored very quickly.

If Ryan really gave a ratz azz about you and your well being he would insist on not coming upon hearing about your success with finding such a great new guy. My guy friends immediately back up and back off when i am in that situation because they love me.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 38
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 12:22:13 PM

On a more academic level I disagree with the ones who say that he should dump me for even considering it in the first place.

Well, I wouldn't date a woman who remains in contact with her exes as a matter of principle, so dumping someone for that is perfectly reasonable.

I wouldn't dump him if he came to me and asked that and was honest about the previous relationship status and understood when i relayed my concerns.

Since I don't keep in contact with my exes, I'd never be in that position.

I'd rather be able to talk honestly in a relationship without the threat of being kicked to the curb every single time I said something that the other person might not want to hear.

It's logically fallacious to generalize being kicked to the curb for doing something specific (especia;lly something that ought to common sense to not do), to being kicked to the curb for saying anything the other person doesn't want to hear.
 SeaCatcher
Joined: 9/11/2011
Msg: 39
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 12:28:13 PM
No no no way would I have an exboyfriend stay with me while building a relationship with a current boyfriend. You're only 3 months into your current relationship. You don't need the complications of having two men who are looking for your attention. Yes, feel sorry for the exboyfriend, but you are not responsible for him. Your responsibility is with your current relationship.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 40
view profile
History
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 12:53:52 PM
@ abelian - I always notice your posts and generally agree with a fair amount of your views so i cannot judge you on that one.

All I can do is be grateful that the guy i'm with doesn't see things the same way and has a more similar view to my own.

I'm with my current SO at the moment and have fully informed him on the situation, the debate and the decision and he's no issue with any of it...am a very happy girl right now and realise how lucky I am.

Again - always appreciate the help from the forums
 mustardmoon
Joined: 9/10/2010
Msg: 41
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 12:59:23 PM

These were plans made before I met my current SO and the whole point of this post is because I am now not sure I'm comfortable with them. I asked a friend IRL whether she would just cancel the visit completely and she said to ask my boyfriend what he thought. I wanted some extra opinions hence the forum post.


Rat, you have no obligation to cancel previous plans. If it would make your current man more comfortable, let the ex stay at your place alone. And you stay with your man or a girlfriend. That way you are living up to your end of the bargain with your friend while not upsetting the current squeeze. I don't know why everyone is going so bolistic!! It's not that hard of a problem to solve.
 Randal5
Joined: 10/23/2009
Msg: 42
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 1:17:34 PM
Ratsrule, I checked your profile. I'm not a fan of blue hair , tattoos or piercings, but you seem to pull this off with flair. I think I especially like that the tattoos seem to blend with your appearance.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 43
view profile
History
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 1:32:35 PM
Rat, you have no obligation to cancel previous plans. If it would make your current man more comfortable, let the ex stay at your place alone. And you stay with your man or a girlfriend. That way you are living up to your end of the bargain with your friend while not upsetting the current squeeze. I don't know why everyone is going so bolistic!! It's not that hard of a problem to solve.

I really love this suggestion. But regardless, part of a healthy relationship is trust and giving their partner the space and freedom that includes challenging opportunities. That way you will always know what makes you stay together.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 44
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 1:41:40 PM
I don't get why people think you can't be friends with ex's.
Not all relationships blow up or are hell to get out of. Sometimes
people just drift apart and agree they're better off as friends.

On the other hand, I would be respectful of a current relationship
and not have an ex stay in the house. There are plenty of other places
for them to stay.

There sure is a lot of kicking to curb in these threads.
People must have a lot of trust issues, or self esteem issues.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 45
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 2:45:51 PM
OP: you avoided a sticky situation this time. But there could be other times when this ex-bf pops around your town or you end up passing through his current stomping grounds. If you stick it out with the current guy, how much effort are you going to make to keep the ex-bf out of your life. or are you going to tell your current boyfriend to either accept the ex-lover or kick him to the curb?

What I find a bit troublesome is the ex-bf's reason for wanting to spend a few days with you at your place. Among the reasons is he broke up with his girlfriend. Do you think he might try to rekindle something since he's now available? If I'm thinking it, I bet your current boyfriend will be thinking it if you insist on keeping the ex in your life.

As for the women who said the the OP shouldn't cancel her plans to have the ex stay with her a few days-the OP said she wouldn't feel comfortable if the situations was reversed. So why should she do something that would make her uncomfortable if the same thing was done to her?
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 46
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 4:00:38 PM

There sure is a lot of kicking to curb in these threads.
People must have a lot of trust issues, or self esteem issues.

I agree. Lots of "go see a therapist," too.

However, I would dump someone who insisted on an ex staying at her place. Would I dump her for remaining in contact? No. Would I dump her for hanging out with him a lot (like going out drinking or whatever)? No, but I would express concern and talk about it in depth.

With all the horror stories I read here, though, and all the times I was lied to (and yes, I lied to girls plenty when I was younger), I don't blame someone for having trust issues with significant others early on, ie three months into a relationship...
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 47
view profile
History
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/12/2012 6:09:16 AM

OP: you avoided a sticky situation this time. But there could be other times when this ex-bf pops around your town or you end up passing through his current stomping grounds. If you stick it out with the current guy, how much effort are you going to make to keep the ex-bf out of your life. or are you going to tell your current boyfriend to either accept the ex-lover or kick him to the curb?

What I find a bit troublesome is the ex-bf's reason for wanting to spend a few days with you at your place. Among the reasons is he broke up with his girlfriend. Do you think he might try to rekindle something since he's now available? If I'm thinking it, I bet your current boyfriend will be thinking it if you insist on keeping the ex in your life.

As for the women who said the the OP shouldn't cancel her plans to have the ex stay with her a few days-the OP said she wouldn't feel comfortable if the situations was reversed. So why should she do something that would make her uncomfortable if the same thing was done to her


Honstly there isn't a sticky situation. I showed the entire thread to my BF last night and he was fine. My friend/Ex lives over 5 hours away from me and in the middle of nowhere - There's no way I'd accidentally run into him! In fact since the area he lives is a popular holiday destination me and my BF will pop down there for a few days over the summer and visit - and that way I can catch up with my friend without any of the same concerns that I had about the morality of having him to stay.

My friend will stay in my life, no two ways about it... that wouldn't ever be up for debate. I'd hate to be with someone so jealous that they can't accept a (very long distance) friendship with someone just because I dated them well over 10 years ago.

Fortunately I am perfectly happy that this is also true with my current BF. He sees a couple of his exes and is good friends with them - they run into each other around town and one he goes out with her and her boyfriend for nights out etc, and they are all good friends. I trust him and he trusts me. I hope that at some point he'll introduce me to them being that they're friends and have told him as such, but i'm happy to leave it up to him as to when that is.

This was a useful thread though because we had some really good discussion about it last night and it's stuff that I probably wouldn't even have thought to ask had this whole situation not come up.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 48
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/12/2012 8:05:38 AM

The foolish part of that, is that you might miss out on a really great guy who isn't comfortable with you remaining friends with an Ex, only to find a little further down the road, your friend ditches you to keep his new partner happy...


You must have funny friends.
I wouldn't ditch my friends for someone new, and I wouldn't expect someone I met
to ditch their friends either.

It has a lot to do with trust issues and self esteem. How could it not? There must be
a logical reason why someone couldn't remain friends with an ex, what else could
it be besides lack of trust, either for that ex or for your significant other? Or your
self esteem doesn't allow any friends unless you approve of them? I don't get it.
I know some people have the once an ex they go to the dead zone, but it makes no sense to me.

The foolish part of that, is you might miss out on a really great person that is just
interested in being friends, long after your partner ditches you.



To each their own.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 49
view profile
History
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/12/2012 8:51:54 AM
The foolish part of that, is that you might miss out on a really great guy who isn't comfortable with you remaining friends with an Ex, only to find a little further down the road, your friend ditches you to keep his new partner happy...


Not if I stick with the really great guy i'm with at the moment who's fine with it

Seriously though it's just another compatibility issue. Fundamental beliefs are just that... finding a compatible person involves funding someone whos beliefs are closely aligned enough to your own that a relationship will work. This would be one of those things where being on the opposite sides of the fence would naturally be a dealbreaker - for either side.

If i tried to fit someone else's mold it wouldn't work anyway and for something as vital as trust if we were that far apart in our boundaries then i guarantee there would be other conflicts created by that gap. So I might refuse to date a great guy because i couldn't agree with him controlling who i speak to. But in that case he wouldn't be right for me anyway because our values are too different.
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 50
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/12/2012 1:58:17 PM
Hmmm.... on a very primal level its quite obvious to me that keeping ex's around is the pinnacle of romantic disrespect. My ltr's were filled with deep passion, wild sex and a sense of oneness. They could make the world stand still and take my breath away. Not to mention writing love songs....ahh the list goes on and on.

And that folks doesn't downgrade to casual friendships. And i wager its not possible for any emotionally healthy individual capable of having a great passionate sex life with lots of intimacy.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?