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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?      Home login  
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 mustardmoon
Joined: 9/10/2010
Msg: 51
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

Hmmm.... on a very primal level its quite obvious to me that keeping ex's around is the pinnacle of romantic disrespect. My ltr's were filled with deep passion, wild sex and a sense of oneness. They could make the world stand still and take my breath away. Not to mention writing love songs....ahh the list goes on and on.

And that folks doesn't downgrade to casual friendships. And i wager its not possible for any emotionally healthy individual capable of having a great passionate sex life with lots of intimacy.


Lotus, every great relationship involves good sex and lots of special romantic moments. The fact is if you have loved someone deeply, it is very hard to cut all feeling for the person off like a bathroom spigot. I'm friends with all my ex's and would do most anything to help them just as I would a girlfriend. What is with the bizarre idea that a person can't be friends with someone of the opposite sex? I call BS on that one. Anyone who can't handle such a friendship must be terribly insecure and to be pitied:-(
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 52
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Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/12/2012 2:34:39 PM
You're not for real with this are you? Not for 1 minute would you be okay if the tables were turned; i.e. your bf's ex was gonna spend some overnite time with him in his shack. Right??
[quote}

Actually - following on from what me and my BF have discussed and the way things have transpired with the making and reading of this thread - together ( i.e i made it, then we discussed - then he wanted to read the thread so i handed my computer over).... I find myself much less worried about what would happen should he ever reverse the tables and say that an ex of his needs to stay with him.

I trust him more following this, not less, and it was his very unbiased response to my discussing the whole situation and my decision to not have my friend visit that has made that possible.

Were the tables reversed and were the ex one of the ones he keeps in contact with that we discussed following this thread -I would be fine with it. But only becaus eof the things we talked about last night, prompted by this thread.

A pretty good result I think :-)

And @ Lotus - I didn't feel the need to share the details of my relationship with my friend/ex with the posters in this thread- in fact I deliberately kept them out of this thread in order to have the widest variety of natural responses. In all honesty we were 16 - we lived five hours apart. The relationship lasted 6 months and mostly consisted of terribly dramatic phone calls where we thought we were in love (you do at that age).... not what I would call true love or indeed a significant relationship given what I have experienced since. That is why when we got back in touch a few years ago - to me he is a friend, at most, a childhood sweetheart,,,, and most definitely an ex .... in the past tense, not the present.
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 53
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Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/12/2012 2:41:07 PM
Hmm, no wonder I am single because I don't see what the issue is. He was her boyfriend at 16. To me it seems they are more friends than ex's. I have a few of these. If we were going to get together again, it would have happened by now...
If it was someone she was hot and heavy with recently, I could see the concern.

Anyway, I am glad you and your boyfriend were able to have a deep discussion due to it all.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 54
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Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/12/2012 2:43:44 PM
^^^ thank you - and also thanks to browneyesboo who has provided an excellent balance to the thread :-) I did want to message you privately borwneyes to thank you but your settings don't let me.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 55
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/12/2012 4:05:38 PM
^^^^is that ur new man in your new pic ?


if so,, then you will be able to get away with it...



go for it.


then come back at us in a few months complaining why you can't seem to find anyone who really gets you..
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 56
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Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/12/2012 4:33:01 PM
Yep thats my guy :-D

I cannot comment on the rest of your post - apologies but i think we are viewing this from such different viewpoints that I don't think there's anything worth saying. I hope that things will continue to go well with my new fella, and I hope you find someone who shares your views and makes you happy. I look forward to sparring with you in other threads as i'm sure we'll clash again :-P
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 57
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/12/2012 5:19:55 PM
The fact is if you have loved someone deeply, it is very hard to cut all feeling for the person off like a bathroom spigot.


And this lovely response mustardmoon clearly states you have little respect for your past relationships and/or they were quite superficial.

Sorry but that which was beautiful and profound is just that, whether you let go of it or not. You can't go back and rewrite history. I let mine go but with deep gratitude and respect. They get a wide berth.

You can't change laws of nature but you can understand them.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 58
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/12/2012 8:32:29 PM
You're dating Edward Cullen?

I'm glad you guys sorted things out on your terms. I'm also astounded with the way you deal with harsh comments - you show great maturity by not allowing yourself to be baited. I admire that quality because I am terrible at it.

As for the exes dilemma, my problem with it stems from my beliefs about love itself. For me, when I fall in love, I fall in love forever. That woman carves a place for herself in my heart and it stays there. Yes the intensity of the passion fades over time but the love is always there, it can't be undone, especially when you want it to go away.

Exes already have keys to my heart so it would be so much easier for them to sneak back in. We've already shared the most intimate of intimacies and she knows what works on me like few others do. My defences are down and I am vulnerable.

Someone above mentioned something very important. I think it was Igor, but I can't recall. The idea being that if exes move on and find other people to fulfill their needs, it certainly is possible to have a friendship. All of my exes that I still know are married with children now and their husbands are among my closest friends. Some of them came to my wedding.

I have never had "comfort sex" with someone I've broken up with and I have never gotten back together with an ex. I don't like to back-track. Life is too short for being indecisive. I also understand that makes me pretty much unique. Just about everyone I know has done these things and some of them do it quite often.

The stronger someone argues against my point of view, the more they seem to be hanging onto something from that past relationship - whatever that "something" is, it's a threat to any future relationships they may have.

I suppose it's kind of like a raging alcoholic who insists that there is no good reason why they shouldn't be allowed to hang out at their favourite drinking hole. Yeah it's a nice bar with old friends and the bartender is a registered psychologist and they serve plenty of non-alcoholic drinks...but really, is anyone here that naive and foolish as to accept that as an excuse?

It's not a control issue. It's about trust and the perception of impropriety.
 ponygt
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 59
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Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/12/2012 8:46:42 PM

You want to honour a promise to a friend. That speaks volumes of your character. You obviously feel comfortable to talk to your BF about this. That speaks volumes of the kind of relationship you have. Both in a good way.

Speak to him, don't lay out all the possibilities you've mentioned here. Simply say something like "Hun, before I met you, I made this promise to my friend (details about the promise) but I'm not sure I can stick to it now that I have you. I feel bad letting him down since he needs to get away. How do you think this should be handled?"

Once the conversation is going, listen to his suggestions and concerns. Ryan should not stay at your house, unless you vacate it and stay with your BF during his stay.
If he is comming to visit, it's paramount that your BF and Ryan get to know each other and that the three of you do things together.


BEST response in here..Hands down.

First off, anyone that thinks you can't be friends with an Ex is either A) stubborn, B) immature, C) insecure, or D) any combo of the three. Secondly, I second this post with a big HELL YES!!. Either you stay with your BF (which may not be an option being only a few months), or Ryan stays at the B/B as he suggested. ALso, when/if you talk to your B.F I would let him know (on top of what was suggested here) that Ryan himself understands and is willing to stay at a B/B because he respects him (your B.F) and the relationship. I would also be upfront and explain he is an Ex. Don't want that to come back and bite you in the rear later by not telling him now.


Good luck in whatever happens.
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 60
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/12/2012 10:07:29 PM
if he's that important, he should get his own hotel room and if new bf is ok w/ this and only if he's ok with it (his feelings deserve first place in this scenario, not the other guy-if you want to keep him), then suggest the 3 of you could meet for lunch or breakfast. Don't have any alone time with this ex to the exclusion of your new bf unless he is totally ok with that. Even then, I wouldn't do that to a guy, but, if thats your plan,most of all, be sensitive and respectful to his feelings, and keep him informed all the way at every move. I would think if your ex has no ulterior motives, he would be a standup guy and tell you hes NOT coming and just wants you and new bf to be left alone, out of respect for your life moving forward.
 peech12
Joined: 7/25/2010
Msg: 61
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/12/2012 10:20:34 PM
I say bring it up to your current guy. Explain the whole situation with your ex. If it was years and years ago that you guys dated and you truly are just friends now, it is different than if it was a recent relationship.

Then tell your current bf you want his opinion and respect his feelings on the situation and want to know what he would be most at ease with. Does he mind if the friend stays in your house? Does he prfer he stays in a hotel? Or not come at all for an extended visit?

There is no reason not to be mature, respectful, and trusting adults all the way around. You are trying to be a good friend and a good girlfriend, and you should be commended for that- not bashed.
 ponygt
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 62
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Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/12/2012 10:23:28 PM

if he's that important, he should get his own hotel room and if new bf is ok w/ this and only if he's ok with it (his feelings deserve first place in this scenario, not the other guy-if you want to keep him), then suggest the 3 of you could meet for lunch or breakfast. Don't have any alone time with this ex to the exclusion of your new bf unless he is totally ok with that. Even then, I wouldn't do that to a guy, but, if thats your plan,most of all, be sensitive and respectful to his feelings, and keep him informed all the way at every move. I would think if your ex has no ulterior motives, he would be a standup guy and tell you hes NOT coming and just wants you and new bf to be left alone, out of respect for your life moving forward.
I agree with some of your post, but disagree as well. There should definitely be open and honest communication between everyone. I always promote that. I agree with being respectful to his feelings, but that doesn't necessarily mean she has to do whatever he wants. You can respect feelings without bowing down to ones wishes, wants, or commands. I don't agree with putting his feelings first and the line of thinking that her ex should stay away and leave them alone. He is an ex, but he is also one of her closest friends. My friends are the ones that have been there through thick and thin, not ex-GF's. Sometimes that can be one in the same, but not usually. Any time someone thinks they should cut ties with a friend for a new BF I completely disagree with. Ex or not, they are still a friend and they were there long before the new BF. However, my experiences in life are what lead me to that belief. And not everyone shares it. So, please know my disagreeing is with respect. :)
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 63
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/12/2012 10:26:12 PM
It has a lot to do with trust issues and self esteem. How could it not?

I don't know why those of you who remain friends with exes always want to project self esteem and security issues on those of us who want nothing to do with you. It as nothing to do with self esteem or insecurity. My fiancee has male roommate and that doesn't bother me in the least. If my fiancee were to spend the night on her ex's couch, I'd feel confident she did exactly that and nothing else, but I still do not want her ex in our lives. He's an ex and he can go out and find new friends.

If you're so secure why did you also say:

On the other hand, I would be respectful of a current relationship and not have an ex stay in the house.

After all, if you trusted your partner, it wouldn't matter where the ex stayed. What's up with that? Do you only trust your partner as long as your partner and the ex aren't sleeping in the same house alone? I have no trouble trusting my fiancee with her male roommate and I wouldn't have a problem trusting her with her ex. I just don't think it's normal for people to remain friends with exes and as a matter of principle, I wouldn't date a woman who does. I come baggage free and I expect the same from a woman who wants to date me.

The foolish part of that, is you might miss out on a really great person that is just interested in being friends, long after your partner ditches you.

I'm not that desperate for friends and I wouldn't want to date someone who is. I personally think remaining friends with exes for any reason other than children is a character defect in people whose self esteem depends on having everyone like them.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 64
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Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/13/2012 2:14:12 AM

You're dating Edward Cullen?

I'm glad you guys sorted things out on your terms. I'm also astounded with the way you deal with harsh comments - you show great maturity by not allowing yourself to be baited. I admire that quality because I am terrible at it..


Ha ha could be! It's not a great one of him I know... but it's a nice one of me so female vanity kicked in at his expense :-P

And thank you for the comment about my responses - in all honesty were this real life and someone shouting their opinions in my face that would be a whole other story, but here I asked for opinions and that's what I got. Can't really strop because they differ from mine.

I can see what you mean about if someone were to argue back they might seem like they were unnecessarily holding onto someone or attaching a bit too much emotional significance to them... and to an extent I agree.

However first and foremost I do have exes that I feel nothing for.... I am not someone who holds onto emotions for their own sake and when something is done, it's done. The history is always there true because you cannot change the past, but I have no special place in my heart for someone JUST because they are an ex.

Also -I do believe these things are a control issue. That's from my own experience.... they don't like one friend, then they don't like you hanging out with any male friends.... then all of a sudden they're making it difficult for you to even spend time with your female friends without some trouble/argument kicking off and after a while you realise that you have been systematically cut off from all your friends, and you're in a deeply unhealthy relationship. Which is why for me I would stick to my guns on the first friend... so that I don't have to fight for everything else.

I know this is not necessarily how ever relationship goes, but it;s one of those forming experiences that means I'll never be willing to go even a step down that route again.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 65
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/26/2012 4:10:36 PM
(Ratsrule) Honstly there isn't a sticky situation. I showed the entire thread to my BF last night and he was fine.


Why do people these days have a mania for showing their play-by-play drama as it develops, to others? It seems that virtually *NO ONE* these days has the character to make a decision ON THEIR OWN as to what constitutes decent, respectful behaviour, but that they should base their moral decisions on vote-counting?

On a related note, why do some younger people think that they should get some Brownie Points for coming clean about piddly, trifling little stuff? (especially stuff they're likely to get busted on anyway?) This ain't some Morality Play, OP, but a squalid little situation that you should have resolved in less time than it took to write your first post, and not gone running to your current BF with "See, see? I'm such a good girlfriend!", like a three-year old proud that he made boom-boom on the big potty...


(from a later post) Not if I stick with the really great guy i'm with at the moment who's fine with it


I can tell you're young, because you don't recognize the difference between a guy who *SAYS* he's OK with a situation because he loves his woman, and a guy who *IS* OK with the situation...

Arlo...
 playfulpete
Joined: 2/23/2007
Msg: 66
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 4/23/2012 10:17:03 AM
How would you f ee if your current boyfreind had an ex stay with him.It doesn t matte if Ryan is a freind,he is still an ex.
 gudda45
Joined: 4/11/2012
Msg: 67
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 4/23/2012 11:33:08 AM
i agree thats some trflin shit women these days got the game all messed up lmao i wish a **** would ask me that lol
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 68
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 4/23/2012 11:41:37 AM
Some people just can't resist taking a krap on their b'day cake!

You have already undermined the relationship with your new BF by not being honest with him about the fact Ryan is your "ex."

Let the new BF go so he can find a woman who respects him!
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 69
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 4/23/2012 12:43:59 PM
Ratsrule,
Go with your gut. If it's telling you it's wrong. It's Wrong
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 70
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 4/23/2012 1:26:29 PM
""The problem with asking your boyfriend about this is that it puts him in a no-win situation. He will say yes and mean no. But if he says no, it comes off as though he is insecure or doesn't trust you.""

Good answer... so true.

The first rule of entering a new relationship... leave past lovers in the past. Nothing good ever comes of having an ex sniffing around.
 marcus_biggs
Joined: 4/2/2011
Msg: 71
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 4/23/2012 4:19:43 PM
Ffirst and foremost, I will say bbravo for wanting to inform your potential man. Bravo for asking, and braavo for recognizing the potential forr you to ruin a good thing with this option..

Ssecondly. Your a ****in ***hole.. With all due respect.
Why are you calling this duude a friend to yourself and yyouur man, and informing us of what he really iss, an EX.
Doesntt really matter what you consider him to be, it's what hhe is.. A dude you used to ****, and now he's beinginvited into your home, at a time where he's having a rough time????for a break??

Get real with yyour man and say what he is. An ex.

Thirdly, the ex gave you another option of staying somewhere else. I'kd suggest you take that one.
Becauuse if he's in the state he is, he's coming to you for some lovin. Period. Support him with words, not a 3 day stay ovver in youur spacce.

Tthiss is a test on youur relationship with the neww guy and your ex. I ihope youu choose well.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 72
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Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/28/2019 10:17:37 AM
I would never date someone that hangs out with their ex. Why would I if I can date someone that doesn't hang out with their ex?
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 73
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Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 2/1/2019 7:22:51 PM
Give your new BF full disclosure. Say you would like to invite your friend over when the BF is there. Be on the lvel. The ex also needs to not stay in where you (or your BF lives, if he lives w/ you). No alcohol, and during daylight.

Enjoy the visit.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 74
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Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 2/1/2019 8:16:05 PM
^^^ The situation has long passed since this thread was started 7 years ago...
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 75
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Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 2/1/2019 10:55:19 PM
Yeah, Cool, but got to read when cant sleep. lol
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