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 AUTHOR
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 22
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
@ msg 27: Mr. Start, Your story is my story. She is still the mother of my wonderful daughter. Forgive and forget. Move on. Fresh start.
 Senab
Joined: 12/10/2011
Msg: 23
view profile
History
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 6:33:06 PM
Help with the child because that is the only responsibility really. But as you said...she chose her path and he owes her nothing..only the child.
Karma
 aboutgettingby
Joined: 2/18/2011
Msg: 25
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 9:51:14 PM


I think if my ex husband called and told me he had cancer I would be very sorry for him and his family (he is my children's father after all) and ask if I can help in any way.

Needing moral support does not mean she wants to reconcile or still loves him, nor should her past infidelities give him reason not to do the right and moral thing which is to reach out and help. Taking the low road is not an option for me no matter what.
As the father to her child he needs to know exactly what is going on, anything less would be hiding information from him in case he does need to step it up. Offering a ill person a ride to the hospital or a shoulder to lean on is hardly a huge imposition.


+++++++++

I would hope at the most basic level this would be true not matter what your relationship was/is, great response.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 26
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 11:07:58 PM
Maybe I'm overdue for my nap but I fail to see what the problem is. Exes, one gets sick and comes to the other for some kind of support...and what?

Aren't we pretty much all in agreement that we'd help someone we were close to when called upon to do so? Is anyone suggesting the sick ex should be turned away?

Did your friend get back together with his ex? Is that the part I missed?
 Former_Yamaha650_Rider
Joined: 9/4/2011
Msg: 27
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/13/2012 3:46:28 AM
OP,
I don't think your opinion was non-compassionate. Your friend has to make his own decisions and it's up to him at what level he wants to render support.
I don't know the full story about their relationship but it sounds like she didn't pay him much respect when they were together. If I was her I wouldn't expect much help and support from him and rightfully so.
He needs to live his life and not get too involved in someone elses. If he feels in his heart that he should help out, for no other reason that humanitarian ones, then he should. But he should be careful to become someone she would rely on completely.
Should he find himself in that situation it will severly hinder him in fullfilling his own goals and his on quest for happiness with a new woman, if that is indeed what he's doing.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 28
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/13/2012 5:00:13 AM
This one is a tough one,,,but even tougher when children are involved. I know I've gone thru a couple things in the past 2 years,but, the LAST person I would be asking or even telling my story to would be my ex. But, that's me. Plus,my daughter is at an age where she knows bits and pieces,and knew what the "potentials" could have been,and WE were dealing with it,without the ex.

Now,,,I don't even know "if" my ex would come towards me with this kind of information????? I'm guessing she would more than likely send the message thru our daughter,because of the ex's second child and her future.I'm a big part her "other" daughter's life,and if anything did happen to the ex, one of my "jobs" would be to make sure that one had me around during her growing up years. That would not change if my ex dropped dead tomorrow, in fact,it would only increase.

I guess what I would do, is to make sure my ex KNEW that I would stay around and keep an eye out on the little one. But,my ex already does KNOW that. It really doesn't even have to be said.
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 29
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/13/2012 5:11:13 AM
OP you shouldn't be beating yourself up for what you told your friend .......... he came to you and asked for your opinion and you gave it to him.......perhaps since you've had a change of heart you should talk to him again since you seem so close........

It is a tough situation..........in my case I don't believe my ex husband would come to me with that kind of information, however, if he did, I imagine I would try to help out in any way I could.
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 30
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/13/2012 5:58:47 AM
@ msg 40: Hey Walt, Getting involved with the "other" daughter is too cool. You're the man. Well, from your responses to previous posts we can see you "do the right thing" as Spike Lee would say. Hope the last 2 yrs. were not too rough. More than that, hope it's all cool now. You're right the x already does KNOW that.
 4everRadiant
Joined: 1/16/2011
Msg: 31
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/13/2012 7:07:42 AM
"I'd rather die knowing I loved fully and completely, than die knowing I let pride or past hurt kill any compassion for someone who once meant the world to me."


^^^^I agree with what Landra said, 100%.

I think in your friend's situation, despite whatever his ex did or didn't do, he, in essence, has both the human and spiritual opportunity to decide "Okay, my ex has cancer, and when together my ex's behaviour was ___________.
Given this, who or what am I going to decide to BE in relationship to all of that?"

Anyone of us could say "I will be love and compassion." We could also say "I choose not to be love and compassion because _______." Yet whatever the "because" is, IT just may kill us. We may not be clear about how we are eventually going to die (the disease or the circumstance), but we can be clear about how we are going to decide to live, today.

In my experience, how people die (the process) will very much be a reflection of how they chose to live. When I worked with the dying, many people I knew in my personal life would ultimately state, in one way or another, "I wonder how I'm going to die."

My current response would basically be the same as it was then: "That's easy. Ask yourself how you're currently living, for that is how you will most likely die. If you're happy with how you're living, then don't change a thing. If there are certain things you'd like to change, do it now. Now is all you have. Now is all anyone of us have.
Yet, that is everything."
 Savona
Joined: 11/22/2010
Msg: 32
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/13/2012 7:32:55 AM


I would still do anything I could for someone I loved or once loved.
Even if it was to my own detriment.
We're all fragile, in one way or another, and we don't always make choices that ensure a secure future-- if there is such a thing. I'd rather die knowing I loved fully and completely, than die knowing I let pride or past hurt kill any compassion for someone who once meant the world to me.

Too many people in my world have been lost to cancer. One day it could be me, and I'd want (need) all the love I can get.


Great post Laura. I agree.
 Savona
Joined: 11/22/2010
Msg: 33
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/13/2012 7:33:14 AM
Sorry double post
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 34
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/13/2012 7:49:05 AM
Cdn_Iceman:
There is compassion for your fellow human being and there is nothing...


If you have compassion for you fellow human being, were you upset when Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein or any other anti-American world leader were murdered? People won't admit it (especially Americans), but most people have very selective compassion. Very few people have compassion for the entire human population.

So it doesn't surprise me when people say the wouldn't have compassion for a sick ex. Chances are even the people here who say they would have compassion for a sick ex, don't really have any. They are only concerned how it will affect their kids. If you were to take the kids out of the equation, people would be singing a totally different tune.
 4everRadiant
Joined: 1/16/2011
Msg: 35
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/13/2012 8:25:28 AM
^^^^ Cdn_Iceman did say that, yet he also said:

"I don't know what I would do in that case I really don't know ( Ive never been married)I would like to think if she called me because she trusts me still and I can help her and I would."

^^^^ that is honest, and beautiful.


While it may be true that some would not admit their compassion is selective, some, if not many, like myself, do not readily admit, for obvious reasons, that YES, when Bin Laden and Hussein were murdered I had compassion and wept, for a wide variety of reasons.

I do have compassion, by and large, for the entire human population and I know I am not alone here. It IS possible to be in the world in this way. This is not to say I am compassionate 100% of the time in my interactions with others, given my humanity.

But, by and large, I/(we) can be exactly what I/(we) choose to be, in terms of my/(our) thoughts, emotional responses and behaviours.
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 37
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/13/2012 2:50:17 PM
@ ICE msg 50. Gotta tell ya; When you're right, you're right. Well put.
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 38
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/15/2012 4:07:55 AM
My ex husband made a point of being as nasty as possible over the last 14 years since we split up and for several years before we split up. If he got a life threatening illness the only reason I would even be interested is to give support to my children..
 sushisue
Joined: 8/8/2009
Msg: 39
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History
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/15/2012 11:35:30 AM
My ex husband was diagnosed with lung cancer on what would have been our 28th wedding anniversary. We had been divorced 7 years when it happened. He was in a serious relationship at the time but the diagnosis threw a real wrench in that relationship. He and I were on good terms and throughout his 16 month battle with the disease I was there for him, our daughter and my two stepsons. I did whatever I was asked including being by his bedside in the last weeks of his life. It was terribly sad and the last thing on my mind was his behavior during our marriage, although I have to say that he did apologize for that behavior (unsolicited),during one of our bedside chats. He was my daughter's father, at one point the love of my life and a human being going through a frightening, painful and devastating experience. It was not a chore to be there and if I made anything easier for him or my children then I'm satisfied that I did the right thing.
 SpanishhhSugarrrr
Joined: 9/25/2011
Msg: 40
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History
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/15/2012 11:55:12 AM
Jaime,

i think u gave the right advice, better to err on the side of compassion than to be selfish n cold hearted, even if this woman was a loser... maybe his kindness will teach her what it is like to truly love someone, sounds like she needs to learn that. just don't let ur friend get back together with her, someone needs to look out for him
 moutainbreeze
Joined: 10/19/2011
Msg: 41
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/15/2012 11:08:32 PM
If my ex came to me and told me he had cancer I would tell him I am not the person for him to come to, that he needs to go to his wife, family and friends (if he has any) and work hi emotions out with them. Then I would wish him well and tell him I will pray for him. But I had to go because this is not something that I need to be involved in. I would also remind him that the court would not find it particularly okay for him to be using this to excessively frighten or upset the kids.

Next I'd actually pray for him and ask YHVH to use these circumstances to help my ex repent and actually become a good and loving father to his kids and to bless this enemy who has caused so much evil and havoc in our lives.

Then I'd sit my kids down, tell them that their father was sick, that he had to get help for it and that they are to make sure they are not being left alone with people they do not know. I would prepare them for whatever drama he was about to unleash in our lives via another financial or court attack on me, so that they were not emotionally scarred by his attention-seeking, control tactics and need for creating constant drama in our lives (all that would soon follow to try to get and keep me engaged in his life). My kids are my concern and responsibility, not him.

Yes really. No joke. Best I could do. I forgive him and wish him the best; but I cannot and will not allow him to embroil my life in his life issues.

So Viper1E... I totally understand what you are saying; when it comes to someone who hurts your kids and your dog it's hard to have much compassion for such a person. But you do need to forgive them and not stay angry or be vindictive.


 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 42
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/16/2012 7:07:18 AM
@ nr. 63 "As long as people hate,They don't cry" Plan on me stealing that from you ,Viper.......Thanks
 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 44
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/19/2012 12:36:31 PM
u did everything right..and ur friend did as well if he listened to you. Breast cancer is not necessarily a death sentence..i know a lady that came back from stage 4..and 10 years later she is still cancer-free and living the good life.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 48
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 2/7/2012 10:26:18 AM

Yeah? WEll she hurt me as much as she hurt them. Everyone tells me I should just "let go of my anger", and give her a free pass. I LIKE my anger. I NEED my anger. I embrace my hatred of her. For one thing, it makes it possible for me to get up in the morning. To know that at least today, she's NOT going to break me. I've wasted enough tears on her. And she wasn't worthy of those either. My anger keeps warm at night.

I could watch her get robbed and raped and not lift a finger or waste the energy to dial 911.

As long people hate, they don't cry. Funny how that works huh?


Every day that you keep that anger inside of you, a bit of you dies and she wins, see that anger is her breaking you...it shows you still have feelings for her cause the opposite of love is indifference not hate. So by continuing to hate her you are still showing feelings toward her.

When my ex was diagnosed with Hep C, I helped him with everything until I realized he was using the illness to come back into my life and I was with my second husband. The next year I had cancer and was at a great risk of death than he had ever been and he then did try to be more responsible with our children but I was still the primary care giver.

He eventually completely checked out of his kids life, basically out of life, he was on a liver transplant list and start smoking so he went to the bottom of the list, he would call them rarely and I think he saw my youngest daughter once in the year before he died and that was to meet her boyfriend. I had to force both of them to go visit him the Christmas before he died, neither wanted to be around him, but now both are glad they went.

I think the most important part of life isnt the anger we all have the right to feel toward someone who did us wrong but showing that no matter what they did we can be the better person. I know that I want when someone thinks of me for it to be with a smile on their face and a warm spot in their heart. (It makes them regret being a****to you and maybe helps them see their path as wrong and change their actions toward the next person, if you keep fueling the fire you both just end up alone with the anger).
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 50
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History
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 2/10/2012 1:52:27 PM
She wasn't my "ex", but I'm inclined to say..I'd be supportive.

My wife was diagnosed with cancer, and 27 days after her first doctors appointment, I held her in Hospice as she slipped away to be with our daughter.

In dire times like that, I'd like to think that if you loved someone (referring to the "ex"), that one would at least be supportive as possible.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 51
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 2/10/2012 8:08:27 PM
My ex had a case of Grass-is-greener-on-other-side-itis, and left me and moved in with a secret lover in the same day. There has been no contact, so I have no idea where she (and he) lives and I don't care where they live. Once she made the move to live with someone else, and since our divorce, I have no responsibility to her. If she gets sick, it's her boyfriend's responsibility to take care of her. If he bails on her, that's not my problem. Luckily, we didn't have kids, so there are no kids to be concerned about.
 russell5417
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 52
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 3/6/2012 5:47:53 AM
My ex had an abortion behind my back after we were married three years. I didn't find out about it until one her "friends" (the friend who help her arrange the abortion) called me and told me about it a week before my divorce was final, thirteen years later.

Had I know about the abortion......or the circumstances that made her feel as though she had to get an abortion, (I never have had ANY explanation of any of it), I would have been divorced thirteen years earlier.

So...........no.......although I wouldn't wish for her to die or have cancer.......my days of supporting her on any level have long since past.
 qualityl
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 55
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 3/7/2012 8:29:49 AM
I would always be there for anyone, even my ex. Always help others in life. It will only come back to you. God don't like ugly! Prayer works.
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