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 AUTHOR
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 2
Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Very well said.

I have felt the same way.
I find it is a negative comment ... and will attract a negative individual.
There is no need to post this.

Any relationship that continues on will become a blended family.
To NOT see that ... like how daft can you be?
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 6
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Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 1/23/2012 12:18:37 AM
I understand that an adult (you) would understand there is responsibility when you are with someone who has children. I just think that instead of blowing them off because of something they wrote, (probably because they thought it something a guy wants to hear or because they feel confident they can do it alone, or they're messed up a bit about how to come across as together), might be too much to expect from a young person. I'd give them a chance to explain themselves first before writing them off. They might even be surprised that with this statement, they come off as sounding arrogant and/or controlling. I've also learned that not everyone says exactly what they mean so I've learned to give them a break, especially when they are young. Saying that, there are a lot of other gals on POF who do understand, and speak this clearly, so... if I had a choice as you do, I'd be messaging those gals first. To me it would be a yellow flag, not a red one.
 venomac1
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 10
Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 1/23/2012 3:35:47 AM
Well, this is my 2 cents for what its worth.

I have something similar to that in my profile and I am a guy. What I take from someone that puts that in their profile is that the other parent is VERY active in their lives and they don't need a fill-in. Having kids myself I completely understand why someone would put that in there, if you don't have children you don't have a clue IMHO. I would also advise that if you hooked up with a woman with children that does have a active father in the picture be VERY cautious about trying to take the father figure role, it could end badly. I know if I ended up with someone that tried to boss my kids around they would be out the door FAST. I am their father, and I and their mother will handle it. When you have kids you have a greater responsibility to them that to anyone you date IMHO.
 Siks6
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 11
Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 1/23/2012 3:47:25 AM
^^^ Sorry dude. Good luck finding a relationship with that attitude... "Hi, kids, I see you running around with knives! I have to talk to your Dad so he can handle it"..."Hi kids, I just fell down the stairs, I need some hep getting back up! Oh wait! I got to talk to your Dad first cause I dont wanna seem like I'm "bossing" you around" You live in a fantasy world man! This is reality. You will be doomed for being single, if you truly see it that way.
 venomac1
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 12
Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 1/23/2012 3:56:07 AM
BruteForce,

Have some sense. But reviewing some of your other post I understand, you are a kid raising a kid. Simple fact is the main parental figure for those children "SHOULD" be the birth parents, we all know that doesn't aways work that way, but thats the way it SHOULD be. But when you have parents willing and able to play major parts in the childrens lives you should NEVER let someone else come in and disrupt that dynamic, its bad for the kids, for the parents, and for the new relationship. In other words, its not YOUR job as a boyfriend OR girlfriend to disapline those children(I guess I have to put in the generic common sense "unless its a safety issue" comment because kids read this forum), its the parents job.
 Siks6
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 13
Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 1/23/2012 4:31:12 AM
^^^ well, from your post, it can be taking either or perspevtive. Now that you put more into it, instead of just putting "bossing" your kids around. I must agree with what you sare saying. OH! And really, thanks for the kid comments
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 17
Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 1/23/2012 7:24:32 AM
re: msg's 15 & 16. Very concise posts. Just about spot on. I think this is pretty much a prevailing attitude in the dating world. Has anyone ever heard of a blended family success story? Truthfully, I have not.
 5150Rivergirl
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 18
Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 1/23/2012 8:02:11 AM
I would never include that in my profile, and I would wonder what the underlying intent is with that comment.

Im a single parent. We all GET that kids are important and anyone we choose to date/relationship will, at some point, be involved in our childs life. However, I keep my daughter out of my dating life.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 19
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Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 1/23/2012 10:36:36 AM
Really, if I see that in a womans profile,it just tells me that she is not really looking for a relationship,a family life, or comes with a hell of a lot of drama!!!
or it could be she is just looking to be 'entertained'
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 21
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Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 1/23/2012 10:55:39 AM
Right, I was not the custodial parent of my son,his mother was, she re married, and we where adult enough to raise him together
he loves his dad(me) his step father, and his mom.... no drama
 atxklown
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 26
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Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 1/24/2012 8:32:13 PM
The way I see it is that going on the assumption of what's posted:
their status is single (not divorced, separated, widowed) shows Yes in Do they have Children, Looking for: Long Term, and somewhere in the post is "I love my child/ren and they come first", "I'm not looking for a father", "I'm tired of games"
My assumption would have to be that A) someone thought they were going to be committed and kept the kid and Daddy didn't want that B) One nighter without condom C) I probably should've met her years ago when she only wanted to date

When I dated a mom, one thing I made sure was what about the kid? and what's the deal with the dad? Is he taking care of both of you or at least the kid? And when those questions came around, we didn't end up dating that much.
 Thnuggaboo
Joined: 7/14/2008
Msg: 30
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Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 1/31/2012 9:28:55 PM
I have it on my profile. Very simply, I'm looking for someone for ME. Not a father for my kids. If a man can be a positive male role model later on, great! And that would make me very happy, but in the beginning, (as selfish as it sounds), it's about me.
 hunnybunny8182
Joined: 12/23/2011
Msg: 31
Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 2/1/2012 1:30:00 AM
I understand everything that you are saying and it's great to hear it from a males perspective. I do believe however ( well for myself anyway), I don't want people to feel that I am just looking for a man to raise my children. I want someone to know that I am a single mother but I am capable of taking care of my children and I am looking for a companion that can accept my package and eventually if everything is right we all love each other. I think some people rush the brush and want a wedding before he engagement.
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 34
Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 2/1/2012 8:04:40 AM
@ msg 33...........Just caught this: "when only one of the partners has kids" What's to blend? Face it. When kids feel alienated, issues begin. Best idea; don't make em feel alone.
 treemanbdj
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 37
Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 2/20/2012 2:21:07 PM
Example number 237,896....

"I have _ kid(s), but I am not looking for a father for him/her/them"...


Why one simple sentence can be what misses someone from a good relationship..

It just means so much to so many. Just one sentence means nothing without asking.

If there is more of a paragraph addressing the topic, one might get a better idea what the profiler is trying to convey. (mine is very clear I think), but ONE sentence is not enough info for me..

If I like the most of the profile, I'll contact and learn more details later.

 hugkiss123
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 41
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Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 2/26/2012 10:09:26 PM
Hi like too talk
 Wullis
Joined: 7/2/2006
Msg: 43
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Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 2/29/2012 9:52:37 PM
I'm a single dad, the women I date don't meet my kid until at least a deep friendship has solidified. At the time that meeting my kid is discussed I tell them that in all areas of general respect and obedience treat my kid as you would yours. If you are relaxed on the enforcement of manners and respect, I will enforce it anyway so don't tell him its OK. Anything else talk to me so we have a united front.

If I date a woman with children I won't socialize with the children until a deep friendship has solidified, and when she is ready to introduce me to them I tell her, dont introduce me to your children UNLESS you want me to treat them as my own. They will obey and treat me (and you) with respect.. All children(combined) will all be treated equal and will participate in each others lives. Any issues we discuss to provide a united front.

I am also always willing to sit down the childrens father and discuss these things as well. A united front amongst all parents just makes life easier for the child

It usually goes 50/50
Some women truly don't want you to say squat to their children, which is fine I'll go my merry way. Some are terrified that you would consider a sit down with their x. And other mothers love it
 Out_of_the_Ash
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 47
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Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 3/14/2012 2:18:47 AM
Probably just don't want to put extra pressure on a guy and don't want to confuse the kids or let them get attached to a man if it doesn't work out. It can come off as ****y when said that way, though.
 vestaceres
Joined: 6/13/2012
Msg: 50
Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 9/18/2012 12:30:00 AM
I'm beyond the stage of my life in the technology age, to care what an online dating prospect thinks about my relationship and schedule with my children, which is why I haven't posted such a hefty disclaimer, on my profile - but that's me. I'm here to find somebody with whom I would have long term relationship, leading to marriage, and with this comes the responsibility of being a responsible adult in the presence of my children (and if possible, me for his children). There is no way around this. I would also disagree with a poster who suggest a parent should lie about having children, when a yes or no or another honest applicable label is all they will require for their needs. There is no replacement needed when a father is involved in the child's life.

On the other hand, when such a person does, it isn't an automatic red flag to indicate that person isn't what they say they are; they could be markedly defensive, as a lot of potential mates assume in their small little minds, that such a (young) mother utilizes the site to find a father for her kids (as if she'll suddenly become an absentee mother). This, of course, in most cases, isn't true. I mean, what normal mum wouldn't want a STABLE and RESPECTABLE partner in their lives, one who'll be a good role model for their children, whilst also serving that way in a partnership with her? To assume that women would not want this, is foolish; and attempting to undermine her wishes, however amiss it may seem on online print, to serve that end, is also amiss.

While my son is with his dad and stepmother, I should hope boundaries were established a long time ago, and rules are enforced regularly, so that he is safe, while he is there. It would be disingenuous of me to state that I don't seek the same from a responsible partner - one who'll respect my children, as well as me. It's my right to expect this when a relationship is established. Though I have posted it here, doesn't mean I need to necessarily broadcast it on my profile, as I feel these things are maturely assumed; it's clear on my profile what I expect, as are my intent and status.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 53
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Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 10/28/2012 10:04:14 AM
I think women state this because some men think all single women are looking for a new "daddy" for their children. Just a way to take the pressure off a new relationship.
 peakbagger7
Joined: 5/31/2010
Msg: 55
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Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 10/28/2012 6:38:41 PM

I didn't know so many guys would run from an attractive lady who's kids have an involved bio dad. : )


Not all guys run, just the ones who have other options.

Seriously, unless you are a single dad yourself, unemployed or you're a delta or omega male then going for a single mom for anything other than easy sex, no matter how hot she is, would probably be the dumbest thing a single guy can do
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 57
Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 10/29/2012 4:34:09 PM

Seriously, unless you are a single dad yourself, unemployed or you're a delta or omega male then going for a single mom for anything other than easy sex, no matter how hot she is, would probably be the dumbest thing a single guy can do


I don't know whether you are making some kind of distinction between a divorced woman with children, or a woman who was never married to her child(rens) father(s)...but I think you revealed yourself as somewhat of an ass and you insulted the many decent men who HAVE entered into committed relationships with "single moms".


Not all guys run, just the ones who have other options.


A lot of guys who THINK they have options really don't, IMO.

Speaking to the topic- I believe that the phrase is another one of those clarifications we women attempt to make in order to allay the fears of insecure men who think that every woman in the world is only just after his wallet. Those of us who attempt to clarify that we aren't looking for rescue or a meal ticket get caught in the same double bind-we're damned if we do, damned if we don't.
Personally, I think that a lot of men who are insecure, believe that women only want them for thir wallets, or think it's OK to "use" women, find themselves with a lot fewer options,they just don't want to acknowledge that.
Yeah, they may get a few dates but nothing ever becomes long term...and when I say "long-term" I mean decades, not 2 or 3 years.( Yes, I know that our social constructs are changing and some of the factors that helped keep couples together for 20,30, 50 yrs have lost effectiveness, but from where I sit I'm still seeing a helluva lot of couples who ARE staying together than long.)
If you don't LIKE children, then don't have them, and stay away from dating women with children. It is NOT ok to use single mothers for sex...a lot of them are single mothers because of some other irresponsible entitlement d*ckhead. Don't tell me that it's these women's "own fault" and that makes it ok to use them.

I don't know WTF has gotten into people,and this goes for more than just dating and relationships!- that they think they can do wrong to to others and justify it that somehow or other it was the wronged persons' "fault", or they "brought it on themselves"-so hey, lets do 'em some more wrong!
That attitude completely DISGUSTS me.
Cindy O
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 60
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Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 10/30/2012 4:05:02 PM
I will never, ever, understand why "single moms" get such a bad rap. Obviously they are the ones who stepped up and are raising the children they brought into the world.
A single man raising children gets nothing but praise.
I dated men and had a longterm relationship with a man who didn't mind that I had 3 young sons. They treated my children and I like treasures.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 63
Have kids, but not looking for a father for them...
Posted: 10/31/2012 5:40:21 PM
Amen bro.

How in Gods name could any self respecting man, (and mamma respecting man), (and CHILD respecting man) live in the same house with a lady and her children and "not" take on fatherly roles? <--Is it even genetically possible?

I think women say that to make themselves more attractive, by appealing to the perceived selfishness and laziness in men.

Like you guy.......I'll pass.


I am their father, and I and their mother will handle it


You just hang out n wait; like a good dog till the grownups take care of the grown up business. <--Really "is" how it comes across.
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