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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 26
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup? Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Well,,,first things first.

Does he have "energy"????
Is he "interesting"?????
Does he have his "own" couch to just lay around on watching "stuff"????
Does he even give a phuck what you have,,,since most of us men at my age don't seem to have any goals or even the energy to reach those goals,,,if we had em????

I wouldn't worry about it OP. Us old guys die first anyways. Half of us are soooooo out of shape we don't even know we are dying. Just a blob melting into our couches and lazy boys that if ya leave us alone long enough you won't even be able to tell if we are there are not. Seriously. That's what "they" say. I read it. Right here in these forums in fact,so it's gotta be true!!!!!
 starfishgazer
Joined: 8/6/2011
Msg: 27
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It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/30/2012 1:16:56 PM
Yes prenup!
I fell in love with a man who promised he was honest, but it turned out he had massive hidden debts and blamed both his exs for it. But then as time went on & I knew him better he over spent and started to borrow off me ( which tended to be forgotten).
I had to end it for all his protestations of love because the only thing I have for financial security for me and my children is work and good credit rating and my children's security has to come first ( especially with one in Uni).
If he is true he wont mind.
I always say treat others as you wish them to treat you and I know that I would never take advantage of anyone else's money and would feel mortified if borrowed & did not pay back.
If I married a wealthy man I would not expect his money ( as I like my financial independence) and I would sign a prenup if only to prove I love the person not his money.
Good luck
Starfishgazer x
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 28
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/30/2012 1:31:57 PM
Thanks, Starfishgazer. I had a similar experience with my ex-fiance...massive debts, a bankruptcy, overspending, borrowing...fortunately, I knew he had pulled the same thing on his ex-wife and the woman he was seeing before he met me, so I held the title of his motorcycle as collateral against the loan I made him. When he realized I wasn't going to let him live with me rent free and loan him money without a promissory note, I caught him fishing on POF for his next sugar mama...ironically, it is how I learned about the site...lol. Because of covering my tracks legally, I was able to throw his cheating, free-loading rear out, sell the cycle and not lose anything more than 3 years of my life.

And thanks to the good feedback here, Ray and I did talk about this and if I do decide to accept his proposal (it is likely, but I am still a bit gun shy after the last one), there will be a pre-nup.
 carelesswhisper00
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 29
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/31/2012 12:11:37 AM
Yes, do a pre-nup. You have worked hard to get where you are at. Another thing that people may not be aware of, if you are married and get divorced and depending on your age, you can file for your ex husbands social security. I am sure this may vary in some states. Something to keep in mind in case things do not work out.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 30
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/31/2012 1:42:18 AM
^^^ You have to have been married for 10 or more years to get part of his SS, and it doesn't take any away from what he/she gets.
 starfishgazer
Joined: 8/6/2011
Msg: 31
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It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/31/2012 2:02:18 AM
Stevenin2012
You are wrong & very free with your bets, but I understand.
Being practical and protecting your families interests shows responsibility
and love.Hoping that everything will be ok and not setting an agreement could cause resentment in the long term, so knowing that you are loved regardless of wealth would be uniting.
So many women and men end up heart broken because of their so called loves not caring enough to respect healthy boundaries, that taking money and not returning it can cause doubt & mistrust.
How many men come up with the old adage that women are only after their money!
My own experience has been the reverse and its sad.
At the moment my x husband has lied again to his daughter that he could only giver her £5 pocket money this month ( he does not give me any maintenance as he is devious & if its between them I am not involved & she can see for herself),she has seen on face book that his latest girl friend has posted what a fabulous time she is having being spoilt at the 5 star hotel he has paid for , but he will sweet talk her round. And he gives nothing towards his son even though he is at university
I am a romantic at heart and would love it if trust was a given in all relationships, but it means different things to different people.
Take care. Starfishgazer x
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 32
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/31/2012 11:13:15 AM
Stevenin2012-
According to statistics FREQUENTLY cited here in PoF forums-70% of 2nd(or subsequent) marriages fail anyway-for a variety of reasons.

I think it makes sense for both parties in a marriage later in life, to protect themselves against being financially devastated should the marriage fail. I think that the marriage may experience LESS resistance from grown children if their parent has guarded against becoming a financial dependent on one of them,due to having their resources decimated by a 2nd marriage.

Let me ask this-how many here -people of average means/resources-would willingly marry a person who had neither pot to piss in nor window to throw it out of , or a person buried in debt and a horrible credit rating-without doing something to protect the assets they have accumulated, especially if they have grown children/grandchildren that they'd like to leave an inheritance for?
Would you, Steven? Do you have sufficient resources to support a non-producing partner or one that brings serious financial liabilities to the relationship. Would you be OK with it if your credit score got damaged, if you lost a portion of your assets/resources in a divorce?

It's one thing to deal with the financial wreckage of a failed marriage when you are young and have many years(and opportunities) to recoup those losses. When it happens after one has retired, or is close to retiring, and has a lot fewer years and opportunities to recoup, the situation can be catastrophic.

I don't blame the OP one bit for wanting a pre-nup...and if her desire for one delays or prevents the marriage, then I think she should count herself as better off.

Unfortunately, divorce has become a popular remedy for marital difficulties, there is very little SOCIAL disapproval of it anymore-and for people over 45, who do not have a lot of years available to recoup the financial impact of a failed ,or parasitic marriage-I think prenups are an excellent idea. I actually am inclined to believe that many older couples would be better served if they did not marry, but there are many who have strong beliefs about marriage. I don't think they should be punished for their values by financial decimation of divorce, or forced to remain in a marriage that has become severely dysfunctional because divorce would mean an impoverished old age.
Cindy O
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 33
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/31/2012 5:50:28 PM
Stevenin2012- You can protect yourself financially, but let's say you had breast cancer and a double mastectomy after you were married ... does he get to protect himself from that liability, too, and get to say, hey, I am out of here, you had boobs when I married you and now you don't, a dealbreaker!


Seriously? How about if he gets prostrate cancer and can't fly his flag anymore, do I get to say, hey I am out of here because he can't get a stiffy...makes about as much sense.

And place all the bets you like...He was married 30 years and I was married 27 years His ex is mentally ill, mine is gay...neither of us ever thought we would be divorced until it happened. But when it happened, I found out how financially vulnerable I was, so did he. I was made homeless, he was forced into foreclosure.

I have recovered but he has not yet. I have a house and investments, he doesn't. I have no debt, he does. I am healthy, he has some health issues. Love is a splendid thing but after going through a divorce and a failed engagement with a man who liked to borrow my money without repayment, protecting our respective financial futures and the inheritances of our children legally against the unforseen seems wise.
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 34
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/31/2012 7:32:45 PM

<div class="quote"> Just ask if he can wait and see how things look in a year of being together.
It's usually wise to do that anyway!
If he's not all that greatly in love and his purpose is mainly to be married to someone.. he'll let that be known.
I HATE to be a buzzkill or rain on your parade but...I had someone ask me to get married within 2 months of knowing him. I told him that if we are together for a year and still like each other,we could consider it. He showed his true colors within 6 months and was shown to the curb. Besides, if you have a good thing ( for you!), why ruin it and besides, when you hit a certain age, it isn't wise to share assets. Just my 2 cents...
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 35
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/31/2012 8:28:44 PM
Hey 1388SmartBlonde, I wonder how much these nay-Sayers have to loose? In mine and my late wife's wills and our trust we have a clause that's legal in our state, but not in some others, that any heirs that contest the terms of the wills/trust and lose, lose everything in their inheritance. That was put in to keep them from fighting over it. So if they want to contest the wills/trust agreement they darn well better be sure they're going to win the fight.
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 36
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 2/1/2012 8:31:56 AM
Good thought, Behind Blue Eyes 53. My Mom remarried a man with 3 children and had 3 of her own. When they set up their wills, it was arranged that all assets went to their surviving spouse until their death, then what remained was to be split equally among their 6 children with a similar clause that anyone contesting the will did so at their own expense and risk. My mother and step father both have passed and dividing the estate was done quickly and without any argument because of their good planning. You have done a wonderful thing for your children by setting up your estate that way.
 flcruiser
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 37
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 2/1/2012 10:32:09 AM
I think it is necessary in todays world to protect your assets & credit when considering marriage or co-habitation...i know if the time ever came where I was considering marriage I would want to make sure I was legally protected...and would not be the least offended if the man felt the same regarding his assets...in fact I would encourage him to...
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 38
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 2/1/2012 2:21:01 PM
Absolutely! Full disclosure required! Value yourself if you want to be valued.
A prenup stating that what assets you have before the marriage remain yours and vice versa for him. Anything you both accumulate during the marriage can be 50/50.

I'd go so far as to suggest you don't live in your home with him, because regardless of a prenuptual agreement the "marital" home becomes a joint asset when you marry and live in it as a couple. It will become half his automatically.

Rent out your home and treat it as an investment. Rent a property with him, have him pay half and you pay for your half from the rents from your home.

Love is a 2 way street. Someone who loves you, won't want to use you or put you at risk. If he refuses, you'll know that he's trying to better himself at your expense.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 39
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 2/1/2012 2:59:50 PM
I can only speak of the laws in my state. The home you own when you get married, your partner is can only claim his/her share of the increase in equity from the time you're married. You should get a current appraisal of the property when you get married for that reason. Also you don't want to retitled the property in joint tenancy, unless you want them to have a claim against it. Talk to your lawyer about things like this.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 40
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 2/1/2012 9:00:18 PM

hat a darn shame we all have to worry about this, it really does take the romance out . I wouldn't sign anything if I was asked but that 's just me, I would feel so hurt if asked to that I probably would leave him immediately.
Unfortunately it sounds just like a business deal to me, but hey I m old fashion and that's just the way I feel, take your prenup and shove it up your , well you know the rest.

Well sweetchic,
Then I'd have to assume you're marrying me for what I have, not me. The house I live in now will go to our daughter, my late wife and mine. That was her death bed wish and she inherited it from her late parents. If you or any others think I'm going to dishonor her memory by doing anything else, you're wrong.

I may in fact transfer the title to the house now, with a iron clad contract written up that I can live in it till I die. That would take that question completely off the table.

We're not talking about two people getting married in their 20s when neither has much.
 ageisjustanumber
Joined: 6/11/2011
Msg: 41
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 2/2/2012 1:57:50 AM
it sounds like you are not ready. If you love someone you love them unconditionally and enjoy your lives together. Material things come and go , if you cant put the financials aside and are already thinking maybe what if you divorce. you may not be ready for any commitment
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 42
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 2/2/2012 11:29:58 PM
Well its obvious your not going to marry for love..so yeah get a prenup...
 Blue-Eyes-Shine
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 43
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It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 2/3/2012 9:52:10 AM
I think it is wise to protect your assets.
I think the naysayers have nothing to protect and everything to gain.
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 44
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 2/3/2012 11:28:37 AM
Thanks to all who replied, even those who were opposed to the idea.

As for skipping off into clover blinded by love, we both have been there, done that and what it took most of our adult lives to build up was eaten up by the divorce lawyers in just two or three. We love each other enough to never put the other through that again, so we both agree a pre-nup before marriage is the wisest and kindest course of action for our situation.
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 45
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 2/3/2012 11:28:50 AM
Thanks to all who replied, even those who were opposed to the idea.

As for skipping off into clover blinded by love, we both have been there, done that and what it took most of our adult lives to build up was eaten up by the divorce lawyers in just two or three. We love each other enough to never put the other through that again, so we both agree a pre-nup before marriage is the wisest and kindest course of action for our situation.
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 46
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It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 2/7/2012 1:31:49 PM
How sad. This country has made a mockery of marriage on both ends: We can't keep them together at the end, and we set this depressing business-like tone at the beginning. I'm not blameless: My marriage ended. (Two beautiful children, though.) At the time I proposed, she was making good money, and I was in a transition phase. So she listened to all of her Wall Street-bottom-line-chick friends and asked me for a pre-nup. You gotta protect your ass, girlfriend!! I was totally put off. Great, I thought, take all the steam out of our love with your bullshit business deal. If I'd had ANY balls, I would have told her to take her contract and her bulldog lawyer and shove it up her ass. But I really loved her and wanted to marry her. I had NO thought about her money. She was already planning the divorce, it seemed to me. This, I believe, set a tone that we never survived, and we got divorced 7 years later. And the only reason I never say I regret my decision was because of the beautiful sons she gave me. It was all worth it in the end. But for two people who are both in their first marriage, I think it's a piece of shit thing to ask of somebody. That's just my story, and I'm sticking to it. I'm not going to apologize for wanting to believe in marriage for love.
 09HopeCopy
Joined: 9/15/2011
Msg: 47
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 2/13/2012 6:59:40 PM
If you can't get to a lawyer (and you each have to have one), then hand write it out, both parties writing it, like you write a line and he writes that line out. That is the only safe way and by God, if you are talking financials, take notes and date them.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 48
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 2/15/2012 9:53:25 PM

stargazin53:
in my view, if it is a financial contract....it isn't marriage.


Your feelings are all fine and good for you. That side of a marriage is between you and your God. As far as the state and courts are concerned, it's a civil contract between two people. Or in other words, a financial contract.
 8591mike
Joined: 6/15/2012
Msg: 49
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 6/30/2012 10:44:25 PM
If he won't give U a pre-nup I will !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good luck , Mike
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 50
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 6/30/2012 11:05:50 PM
Thanks, I think...LOL!
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