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Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 2
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Why deny?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
I can't tell you why HE is, but I can tell you that the single most common recommendation given to would be cheaters has always been...deny, deny, deny.

It's in at least one movie, and a couple of comedy routines I've seen by famous comics on TV. The movie was A Guide for the Married Man, starring Robert Morse, and Walter Mathau (1967). It's worth a viewing, when you feel better.

Divorce lawyers that defend cheaters also recommend to deny, deny deny, from what I've heard, because to admit, at least used to cause the cheater to lose most of their money.

But at the bottom of it all, I suspect it boils down to the fact that most cheaters are immature, selfish three-year-olds at their core, and when asked, will ALWAYS claim that anything they did that might be seen as wrong was someone else's fault.
Joined: 11/22/2010
Msg: 6
Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 3:53:35 PM
Cheating is one.of the most hurtful.things.than can happen in a marriage. So sorry this happened to you. Its been just over 10 years for me and when I think about it, which I, I can still feel the pain.
Joined: 3/22/2009
Msg: 7
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 3:57:14 PM
1) why is he denying it?

"Why Deny"? Well short answer is, some people (i.e. your husband) wants to have his cake and eats it.

2) either how do i work things out, as he says he wants me back or how do i get him to move on.

If you truly love him and you are someone who puts "love conquers all' into practice, well give him another chance? Otherwise, instead of getting *him* to move on, you are the one who needs to break free from the whole thing. And you know what you've got to do to end things already.
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 9
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 4:15:58 PM
If youre convinced you "know" he was cheating you would be better served by asking yourself whether or not thats a deal breaker

if it is then none of this is even relevant

If on the other hand you DONT have enough proof to "know" he was cheating, but enough to suspect it then he could be denying it because he wasnt cheating

But then you would have left him based on assumptions and supposition. So personally I'd be classing it as a lucky escape

If on the other hand (yep, I do have three hands (dont ask)) you did have enough proof to know he was cheating and are STILL considering taking him back then yet again none of this is really relevant unless taking him back is conditionally based on him answwering one of both of the questions

2) either how do i work things out, as he says he wonts me back or how do i get him to move on

That is just insanity incarnate

Pick one THEN try and formulate a plan
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 10
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 4:31:09 PM
You don't "get" him to move on. You just move on yourself. Ignore him. Block his calls or get a new number, have no contact with him, make your own life without him. Just move on.
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 11
Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 5:15:58 PM
If you were in his shoes, would you not be asking yourself,,,"why not"?????? It can't hurt him,,,he's already in big ca ca. Or is he???? Why do you care why????? Have ya asked why he cheated to?????

The only thing my ex got when I found out about her cheating was her suitcase on the front step,and directions to her new boyfriend's place. Boy was HE mad.
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 15
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 5:41:54 PM
Ok, ok, I did it, but it was just the will you get your fanny back home, I'm hungry.
Joined: 9/15/2011
Msg: 18
Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 6:26:36 PM
ok, first off. there are many reasons why a person would lie, but i am going to narrow it down to 1. fear, either he is afraid of losing you, or afraid of hurting you. When a person is going to cheat, they dont clearly think the matter through. But when caught, fear makes them hide. As selfish as cheating is, at least he cared enough to lie, than admit the truth. i am guessing that at this point he didnt want to hurt you further, because lets be honest. Even if he told the truth, he'd still be hurting you. But the real question isnt why did he cheat, rather, what are you going to do about it? Yes you left him, is that truly what you want. If so its not your job to help him get over it, he made his dirty bed, now he has to sleep in the filth that is his reality. Now if you want to make things work. you have to forgive him, he needs to get some type of professional help that will help him admit the truth. If it isnt willing to admit it than he isnt willing to fix it either.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 19
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 6:29:32 PM
You are wondering why a liar would keep lying?
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 20
Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 7:57:07 PM
Who cares why he denies; that's irrelevant

I'd have to second Landras comment.

You know what and how he is; now do you still want him after that info is yours?

If yes: do your thing and coddle the man and let him pay you back in the "I'm sorry" stuff that cheaters pay to lessen guilt.

If no; divorce or separate from him.

There's your simple answers to a complex information.

Thank Landra; she summed it up real tight and real fast.

Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 21
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/24/2012 9:14:03 AM

It's in at least one movie, and a couple of comedy routines I've seen by famous comics on TV. The movie was A Guide for the Married Man, starring Robert Morse, and Walter Mathau (1967). It's worth a viewing, when you feel better.

I love that movie! The best part is where the wife catches the husband and woman in bed and he is denying it the whole time while the woman is getting dressed!

Chris Rock had a routine where wife keeps saying she won't get mad, just admit you cheated. The man finally admit he is cheating and the woman gets even madder. The guy says why you getting mad? And the woman says she wasn't completely sure, but now he's admitted it.
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 23
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/24/2012 9:39:02 AM
Does the why really matter now? Somehow I bet you are a part of the why, and all that will do is add to your problems, his, and the situation.

It takes two to make a relationship and marriage, and it takes two to break one up. I hear over and over and over about how "I did nothing wrong", I did not know or deserve this, on and on, and while I feel for everyone that had someone cheat on them............deep down inside they know that they had a part in it somewhere.

People do not go elsewhere if absolutely happy where they are...........people do not look elsewhere unless something is wrong with the situation they are in. Does not make it right, and if knowing the whole story will help you to look at yourself as much as you are looking at him, then I say go for it. But if all it is for, is to somehow find more blame with just him, or the woman he cheated with, it will accomplish little.

Good counseling for each other you, with an understanding that cheating is a mutual responsibility, and knowing that it happens for a reason, even if that reason is that you two never should have tried to commit to each other that way, it does exist. I can look in the mirror and point at myself when I think about a significant other cheating on me, and know, I was a part of the problem, and they chose the worse way to solve it for them, but not for us.

If you want him, take him back with an understanding of getting counseling and talking it all out and why the both of you allowed this to be a part of your life, and if you both can change it, and if not, then move on and let time help you heal.

Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 24
Why deny?
Posted: 1/24/2012 9:50:09 AM
A trait I have no tolerance for is stupid mind playing garbage. I'm not talking about the guy being accused of whatever and denying it. I'm talking about people who ask questions that they know the answer to, like the OP was doing. What's the purpose of this nonsense? No matter what the guys says, nothing will be acceptable or believed because the accuser has already made up her mind of what the "facts" are and nothing will change the person's mind. Any answer, no matter what it is, will only make matters worse than they already are. So why play stupid, retarded games of trying to force an answer you don't want to hear? A person has nothing to lose by denying any wrongdoing. In fact it's encouraged if the accuser is going to freak out and go all psycho if the accused gives an honest answer to stupid questions.

And what is the purpose of asking someone the same question multiple times and then go completely nuts if you hear the same answer as the other 100 times you asked the same question, unless the accuser has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and dementia and doesn't remember asking the same question countless times before?
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 25
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/24/2012 10:14:31 AM
Come on now "C Deacon", you know that ain't the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

There are plenty of cases where both contribute to the cheating, but there are just as many where the other party doesn't deserve it.....whether you look in the mirror or not.

I know, because I've been tempted more than once by a very sexy female making herself very available, persistent and seductive. Personal integrity comes into play here, and you better have a sh*t load of it. I've damn near cracked several times, but the fear of my kids and wife finding out saved the day. The performance of my wife in any area was not in fault or question here........just pure old male DNA up against temptation and curiosity. Weakness is a fault, and many times just one person in the relationship is guilty of it, or has been exposed to the temptation. It might take two to tango, but just one can trip on the dance floor.
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 28
Why deny?
Posted: 1/27/2012 3:07:44 AM
its not a lie....if you truly believe it...(from seinfeld) lol..
Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 33
Why deny?
Posted: 1/27/2012 12:36:45 PM
Who are you gonna believe??? Me? Or your lying eyes?

Although it's a little off topic, ditto to what Maleman999 said.
 part deux
Joined: 11/11/2008
Msg: 36
Why deny?
Posted: 1/27/2012 7:32:12 PM
Rent The Sopranos. Watch how the characters deny everything.
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