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 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 22
To tell or not?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
If it was an actual friend...someone I have had in my home and such, not just a casual friend...Id tell.

I wouldnt care of she got temporarily angry at me, the messenger usually does get shot...Id be prepared for that. I would feel worse though if she went out and bought a car or something because she didnt know her fiance was now unemployed. And knowing my closest friends-if they found out I had known all along and didnt tell -They wouldnt be my best friend anymore after that. They currently know I have thier backs-if I didnt tell and they found out, they would question that for sure. And I wouldnt blame them.

Doing what is right is seldom what is easy....lots in here seem to prefer the easy peasy way of living, but thats not how I roll.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 24
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To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 6:27:40 AM
If your friend confronts you of course you have to tell her. But when it comes to potential disputes between a married couple it is best to stay out of it most of the time.
 Kariann71
Joined: 4/26/2011
Msg: 25
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 6:28:59 AM
I've learned from personal experience that it's best to stay out of other peoples marriages, no matter how good your intentions may be. If they come back to you with "Did you know about this? Why didn't you tell me?" I'd say... Look, I consider you a very good friend but I don't feel comfortable getting involved in your marriage. I felt it was your husband's place to tell you the truth and I figured he's already told you.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 26
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To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 7:20:16 AM
There is no right or wrong answer to this situation. It is essentially a lose/lose situation anyway you slice it. In the end the original poster must make the judgement call. But unless she has evidence he is fooling around now with his free time it is best not to be tangled up in a potential marriage dispute. If what the original poster says is true, that her friend handles the finances this will surface soon enough.

Some people want to be a hero, but sometimes you have no choice but watch the trainwreck happen. Life isn't fair and the feeling you can do more is there. But being the catalyst for driving a potential wedge isn't good either.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 27
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 7:23:15 AM

OF COURSE the answer is to tell your friend. Anything other than telling your friend is a horrible thing.


Actually, this could be considered disclosing confidential information and create problems for the OP (and her brother) with her employer.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 29
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To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 7:24:53 AM
Yes there may be legal ramifications tied to this as well which is why it is best not to be tangled up into this potential mess.
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 31
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 7:54:54 AM
Ask HIM how the job hunt is going.. and look up a few on the online unemployment sites and tell him about them.

She will notice the lack of income rather soon.. thats my take.
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 32
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To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 8:20:27 AM

I just thought of something, do you really want to deal with " I know this because my brother fired him"
She would probably wonder why you know something after the fact but were unable to offer information before he got canned. It's is going to get very messy if you open your mouth.
Better to pretend your brother was professional enough NOT to divulge this information.


I went back and forth on this. And like Carolann0308 my advice flipped also.

I'm usually in the don't tell camp, but since this guy worked at her place, him being fired is a no-brainer.
But, more info is his whereabouts can be explained by "call outs" and the only way she could have known he was fired would be a manager opening his mouth when he shouldn't have.

Long story short, in "this specific instance", don't say anything.

BTW, the husband is a real piece of work. Way too many people know the the truth that is close to his wife.
Co-worker, that is a close friend of wife and the brother of that friend, fired him and he is lying about still working there?

If I were the OP, I'd mention to the husband what a piece of work he is and tell him his deception has a VERY SHORT shelf life.

Wow.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 34
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To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 8:59:27 AM
If this had happened to me then first and foremost I'd want to know how on earth I ended up married to a man

After that that I'd be angry HE didnt tell me

So as others have said the best course of action would be to apply pressure to the husband to tell her and point out how much better it will be coming from him rather than you or someone else
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 36
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 10:14:16 AM

No, rather the opposite. I DON'T want to tell her her husband is lying to her, but she DOES need to know at some point.

Yes, she does need to know at some point. Has she NOT noticed that he's got NO income? I mean really ~ how "married" are they if she hasn't got a clue??? OP? Stay out of it. Be here friend when she does find out, otherwise ~ it really is NONE of your business. JMO
 charlie_girl_2
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 37
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 10:40:50 AM
I do have to ask you why you posted this? Others know this couple, if they know you, because you are blabbing it on a public forum, and I have to wonder just how many "others" you've told outside of these forums? How many others has your brother (the manager who fired him and who should have NEVER told you) blabbed to?

Mind your own business and remember that people can be hurt by you going where you don't belong.
 OCRebellion
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 39
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 11:21:17 AM
OP...it's a slippery slope and a difficult situation for sure. Perhaps you could go to the husband (discreetly) and tell him that you are aware that he has been terminated from his job and that he has been lying to your friend. Tell him that while it is not your place to meddle and to go tell his wife (your friend) you have no intention of lying to your friend if she brings the subject up to you. I would support that statement by saying that while you don't support the lies, he must have a good reason to not share the info immediately, but that he should tell her before she finds out from someone other than him. In this scenario, you've laid the foundation for the husband to come clean with his wife/your friend but at the same time letting him know that you are not going to lie. That way, if the wife comes to you, you can share that yes you knew, you encouraged him to tell her and that now that it's been dropped in your lap, you are not going to perpetuate the lie.

Question...ummmm...was he at home when he was a no show? If not, where was he? Is he cheating on his wife? Did he have a habit of calling off or being a no show? Because if this was a habit, maybe there is a bigger issue.

It's not your place to go tell the wife, but I wouldn't lie if she brings the subject to you. That's my opinion .... best of luck to you on handling this and to your friend and her husband.
 mrsforums
Joined: 6/14/2011
Msg: 40
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To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 12:43:32 PM
It's not up to you to keep your friend's husband honest.
It's not up to you to have any conversation with him, or with her.
It's not acceptable for you to divulge information about work personnel.
It has nothing to do with you, even if you know the people involved.
If your friend has questions or concerns about your workplace, the appropriate person for her to ask, is her husband.


MrsF
 nikkisenko
Joined: 9/5/2011
Msg: 41
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 3:00:23 PM
If my friend knew my husband was lying to me and didn't tell me, I would no longer consider her a friend. Now, I do appreciate the position that you are in. I agree approaching the husband is the best bet. I really like A gent's advice. But, if he doesn't come clean, a true friend would not leave someone living in deception.
 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 42
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To tell or not?
Posted: 1/26/2012 6:22:47 PM
i agree with silver sparks.
you know one thing. your brother fired him.
what you don't know is maybe the wife knows and is keeping the facade for her own reasons, he has another job, planning on sueing your brother for breech of confidentiality, collecting unemployment, won the lottery and they don't want anyone to know, etc. etc. etc.
and why would anyone think that going to the husband and basically threatening him to tell her is the right thing to do.
it is their business, stay out of it. you may feel your feelings about it, but it is not your business to direct what happens in their lives
kaylee
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 43
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/26/2012 6:48:31 PM
Put yourself in the wife's shoes. Who would you rather hear the information from-the husband or a friend? Being out of a job is not something that's easy to hide from a spouse. If she wasn't told right away. I'm sure she's suspecting what's going on. Let it run its course without outside influence.

I don't understand the women who say they would end a friendship over this or similar situations. If someone makes a judgement call to mind their own business versus sticking their nose into other people's business, why is this a horrible crime? Sticking your nose where it doesn't belong can do more harm than good at times. Many times, stories get totally distorted when someone hears it second, or third or fourth hand.
 nikkisenko
Joined: 9/5/2011
Msg: 44
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/26/2012 7:40:47 PM

I don't understand the women who say they would end a friendship over this or similar situations. If someone makes a judgement call to mind their own business versus sticking their nose into other people's business, why is this a horrible crime?


Why would I end the friendship? Essentially because it is a lie of omission. However she discovered the information, she does know it. And, she knows this will greatly impact her friend. She even mentioned that her friend was making financial decisions she might not be making if she had all of the facts. Yes, I would expect my friend to, you know, actually be my friend. Someone who is worried that it isn't their business wouldn't be my friend. That is called an acquaintance. And, if I was under the delusion that we were close than that, this would clarify things for me instantly.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 45
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To tell or not?
Posted: 1/26/2012 8:32:25 PM
If this continues for a long period of time, you obviously have no choice but to come clean about this news to your friend. But for the time being, I think staying out of it in the short term is the best course of action to avoid major headaches.
 interintwined
Joined: 1/20/2012
Msg: 46
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/27/2012 11:08:10 AM
Don't tell let him tell his wife himself its only been a month right? Not 6 months-1 year and she's struggling to make ends meet besides this is something that shell definitely find out on her own he might be desperately trying to find a replacement job that's why he hasn't told her if it was me maybe I would want to be told but I would definitely not wanna be told by my friend I'd wanna be told by my husband so either way I'd be upset that my friend knew and I didn't and I'd be upset my husband didn't tell me. NOW if this was a question about should I tell on him that's he's cheating I would say helllllllllll yeaaaaaaaa lol there would be no doubt about that lol good luck!
 Texan_Gal
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 47
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/27/2012 12:31:58 PM

Why would I end the friendship? Essentially because it is a lie of omission.

I agree with this. I wouldn't be able to trust that person again. If a guy I'm with has lied to me about something and one of my friends finds out he's lying but doesn't tell me, he or she is now "in on the lie", so to speak. I'd feel like my friend has HIS back instead of mine. It just wouldn't sit right with me.
 _PassionFlower
Joined: 11/27/2011
Msg: 48
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/27/2012 2:14:26 PM
If that was my HOMEGIRL, I would tell, if it was a chick I just "kicked it" with I would still tell....What she gone do? What he gone do? NOT A DAMN THING....
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 49
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To tell or not?
Posted: 1/27/2012 2:22:49 PM
Not your circus, not your monkey!
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 50
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/27/2012 3:20:02 PM

Why would I end the friendship? Essentially because it is a lie of omission.


That's the main difference between men and women. Women live and die for gossip and any juicy tidbits about people. Guys don't give a damn about that crap. Women consider it a crime worse than murder if you know something about someone and you don't share the dirt and tell the person you know what's going on.

If the situations was reversed, guys wouldn't be running around like chickens with their heads cut off stressing about when to tell. Most guys will let the situation play out without adding their own drama. If a guy was to find out that his friends knew before hand what was going on, the guy would ask why didn't they tell him. Most guys would say it wasn't there business, so they didn't want to get involved. Most guys would accept that-maybe not right away, but at some point they will. Guys wouldn't end friendships over this.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 51
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To tell or not?
Posted: 1/27/2012 3:23:20 PM
I would want to know, I couldn't tell you if your friend would want to know. But, since she will know that you knew when she does find out, you might want to say something. It's a tough spot to be in, most times it will be you who gets the flack while they both blame you, it's sucks really, no matter what you do.
 nikkisenko
Joined: 9/5/2011
Msg: 52
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/28/2012 9:18:47 AM

That's the main difference between men and women. Women live and die for gossip and any juicy tidbits about people. Guys don't give a damn about that crap. Women consider it a crime worse than murder if you know something about someone and you don't share the dirt and tell the person you know what's going on.


This is a massive generalization. We aren't talking about just someone on the street. We are talking about her friend. That isn't "sharing dirt". As someone else pointed out, when you help maintain a secret, you are in fact being more loyal to the other party. Again, if they are my friend, I would expect them to be more loyal to me than my husband who is LYING to me.

And, if it really so ok, why would it take guys some time to eventually be ok with it? I wonder if they actually decide to not make a big deal about it, but mentally place this friend more on the outside circle without discussing it.

You cannot generalize all information as gossip.
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