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 AUTHOR
 forumzfishonly
Joined: 12/17/2017
Msg: 48
Standards, Preferences and other foolishnessPage 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I guess jojo in post 2 also decided his mind wasn’t enough either..cuz she’s still here fishing :D TESTING TESTING..(her headline) :D:D
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 49
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/5/2018 3:09:36 PM
"I basically contact any woman in my area I find remotely attractive and who doesn't dismiss me in my profile"

>>those are still preferences :) But the point is, some of us are veterans not b/c of OUR preferences, but the preferences of others.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 50
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Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/5/2018 4:27:47 PM
gtomustang

What you say is quite insightful. Hugh Hefner is an extreme example though and was just a man whore in essence playing with bimbo whores loL! As for what is average or not is in the eye of the beholder. I have come across a very good looking man who was looking for the older woman with money to support him but that is rare in my experience. He would soon be looking around for someone sexually desirable and as they say "they who marry for money earn every cent."
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 51
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Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/5/2018 4:30:42 PM
from site to sight
so you are saying that familiarity breeds contempt...... some truth in that and "distance lends enchantment."
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 52
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Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/5/2018 4:33:14 PM
Hawking
what always bemuses me is that attractive intelligent people feel they will succeed on sites like this, free and full of fakes and flakes and will persist for years. What are they looking for?? Women in particular who have it all going on dont have to be here or similar sites...
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 53
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Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/6/2018 12:01:29 PM

LetitiaLeGrande
what always bemuses me is that attractive intelligent people feel they will succeed on sites like this, free and full of fakes and flakes and will persist for years. What are they looking for?? Women in particular who have it all going on dont have to be here or similar sites...

Hmmm…. Point by point here.

“Attractive intelligent people feel they will succeed” – I am definitely intelligent, as is Hawking. Attractive is in the eye of the beholder. And I have succeeded. I have met many women, I have been on many dates, and over the last 8 years I have had 2 real relationships. Possibly you think it isn’t success unless it is “happily ever after”?

“Women who have it all going on dont have to be here or similar sites...” -- Once again, I disagree. I have met women from all walks of life here in the OLD community. From total losers to complete winners. People who have their lives together can be found here. They come here because they don’t know where else to meet singles. It’s your job to separate the wheat from the chaff.


LetitiaLeGrande
as they say "they who marry for money earn every cent."

Once again, I disagree. It would not be difficult to find many, many examples of women who have become trophy wives, lasted a year or two, and then retired on the divorce settlement. I think a year or two of discomfort (sleeping with a man you’re not attracted to) is not the same as “earning every cent” when it comes to never having to work again, to living comfortably if not luxuriously for the next 50 years.

It’s a matter of degree, really. If you marry a man you don’t love because he makes 100k and you can have the house in the suburbs, no, not a good idea. But if you ask Melania, I doubt that she is unhappy with her bargain.
 KJ521
Joined: 1/3/2018
Msg: 54
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/6/2018 4:32:52 PM
^^^Some people choose to be the victim and play a supporting in their own lives.

They live in fear of being The Star! Just the way it is. :)
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 55
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/6/2018 5:22:57 PM
"Hugh Hefner is an extreme example though and was just a man whore in essence playing with bimbo whores"

>>>thanks for the compliment, LLG, and i'll add...I think the type of women HH was attracting, are also "extreme examples". by that, I mean a woman willing to take pay to pose naked so that every creep back in her home town can drool over her...pr0bably has a different view on her sexuality and what can get in return from it, than the average woman on POF :)

"attractive intelligent people will persist here for yeas...women who have it all going on don't have to be here."

>>>Assuming the first person described is a woman...I think that's a contradiction :)

as for women marrying for money...again, I guess its how they view their sexuality. A year of "honey, I have a headache" may be tolerable for the money. People go to war for less money.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 56
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/6/2018 5:31:57 PM
While I didn't read the entire post.......

I personally have found out here that OLD is like shopping in a catalogue.

It seems everyone has their preferences, what they want - is s/he tall, thin, have blue eyes, educated, professional, etc. What they will and won't tolerate, what they will and won't do, etc. I have perused many profiles out here and the "lists" seem endless.

Basically, when these "standards" aren't met......we wind up being disappointed over and over again because "all the boxes weren't checked", and in all reality......there is no such
thing as a perfect person.
 KJ521
Joined: 1/3/2018
Msg: 57
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/6/2018 5:37:02 PM
"there is no such
thing as a perfect person."


We are all perfectly imperect...if we would only embrace the imperfections...knowing that those....are the good things...we would all find what we are looking for. :)
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 58
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Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/6/2018 6:15:24 PM
^^^^ kj
so nice to see you !! ... :)
thought I heard somewhere on here , you were gone ...
so sad .......
a single " teardrop " ~ fell slowly from my eye ...
" feathers on my breath " ...

TEARDROP by JOSE' GONZALES

> turn it up ^
heart / sun
 forumslady
Joined: 12/7/2016
Msg: 59
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/6/2018 7:09:42 PM
magicallaroundme- What if we got out of our own heads and stopped such foolishness, all together?
Probably something really great.
I've been working on that, a lot, for a while and that is key.
It wasn't much fun when I was in the habit up getting in my own way. Once I realized it, I started an effort toward change.
Please, no one take this to an extreme and make out like I'm saying that we shouldn't think at all, that isn't what I'm saying.
We have to think some, because there are bad people in the world, but there are also a lot of good people and making an effort to concentrate on the latter, as much as I can, has helped.
We are all unique individuals, each with our own hopes and dreams, our own personality's, our own way of thinking, etc.
What if we stop thinking in terms of "What is wrong with this person?" or even "What is right with this person?" What if, instead, we come into it with NO expectations at all?
I'm not just talking about online dating, or meeting people IRL for the purpose of becoming a couple, I mean adopt it as a general mind set.

Over time, I have come to realize that listening to listen, not listening to respond, is the ONLY true form of listening that exists.
If someone else is talking and we automatically start in (in our heads) with some kind of filter, they might think they have our attention, but do they?
Let me be clear, I mean when we actually meet people, face to face, because we ALL know nothing else counts that leads up to that until we ARE face to face with someone.
My favorite way to meet people is IRL and unplanned, it changes the dynamics. Not only for meeting an SO, but meeting people for that reason, as well as meeting new people, in general. Neither person comes in expecting the other person to be one way or another, it just happens and all of a sudden, BOOM! There is a connection.
This brings to mind one of my best friends. She and I have been friends since we were children. Back when we first met, she was a real wild child and I was so shy I barely spoke. She spoke to me first, of course, but she was so open, so friendly and so freakin' funny, she got me to open up.
I swear, she had a hand, as wild as she was, in changing me for the better. She helped me find my voice, she accepted me. I love her like a sister. We have been there through it all for each other, she is one of my rocks and I am one of hers.
Would we have each other had she not taken a chance and reached out to me, even though we were opposites back then? No, we wouldn't and I am thankful that she did beyond words.

Which takes me back to the question the OP asked.
I think they have something, they have the right idea. (I know it's from 2012, but it's still relevant now)
We want to think we know what we want and need and to a certain extent, we do, but if we carve it in stone, or have a "type", how many people are we passing by that might be the best thing that ever happened to us?

I'm always a work in progress, that is intentional for me. I won't always get it right, but as I approach 50, I'm darn sure going to try.
I'm going to be braver and speak to people I might not have before and see what happens.
I might get my feelings hurt, but it won't kill me. I might also meet someone wonderful and with luck, we can enrich each other in ways that make us both better people.

My 40 year friendship translate's just as well into meeting someone for us to possibly become a couple.
Only now, it's my turn to reach out to someone I might not have before.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained and taking a chance on something new and unexpected could very well lead to the kind of happiness that makes us VERY glad we took the leap. :)
 whosmeow
Joined: 10/19/2017
Msg: 60
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/6/2018 9:42:36 PM
Sometimes life just happens all unplanned, and unexpected just like two people falling in love :)
No recipe to follow, potions to swallow, or manuals needed.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 61
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Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/7/2018 7:10:13 AM
Personality matters to some; who would have thunk it☺ I have flexible preferences for looks, but not so much for personality.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 62
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/7/2018 10:20:34 AM
what is the most important feature in a new partner....depends upon what we want from the relationship. If we want arm candy to impress others, then looks matter. If we want a booty call with a hottie, looks matter. If we are a narcissist, then we seek a certain type of victim (ie, a certain type of receptive personality). and so on.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 63
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Posted: 1/7/2018 10:28:55 AM
Mustang, I know one such narcissist. He seeks out women that are in a bad place and seem helpless, then he stalks them and tries to intimidate them into relationships (not thru pof). He's had numerous restraining orders filed on him.
 forumslady
Joined: 12/7/2016
Msg: 64
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/7/2018 11:17:50 AM
Newyorker58- This person doesn't sound like a narc, they sound like a psychopath. ^^^^

My ex is a narcissist. Only malignant narcissists make themselves obvious, but they don't stalk, they think they are God's gift to women and mankind in general and automatically assume women will fall at their feet and some do.
The type my ex is, a covert narc, are the ones you don't see coming. The wear a mask of geniality and fool people into thinking they are good people.
They are perceptive and somehow know what it is people want and become that. They keep it up until they have you and then slowly reveal who they really are, but keep you off balance if you say something about how they treat you with passive/aggressive, mind fvck type moves-Denial (I don't know what you are talking about, don't be so emotional, you are over reacting)Projection (You are crazy, you are controlling, you are trying to keep me from my-fill in the black-usually friends or family), there are others, but I think you get the idea.
They are VERY dangerous because of how good they are at fooling people.
I didn't know my ex was one until I left and got into counseling, he was that good at convincing me that I was the problem.

You are right about the targeting though, they have a a few types they look for, but I won't get into all that, it's complicated.
 MsSkeezix
Joined: 7/1/2017
Msg: 65
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/7/2018 11:23:40 AM
sussex11 wrote in part:
I read once: We don't get what we want, we get what we are.

I don't get what this means at all.
Sounds like whoever wrote it was trying to be 'profound'~
Is there some context to this assertion?
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 66
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Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/7/2018 3:10:47 PM

Personality matters to some; who would have thunk it☺ I have flexible preferences for looks, but not so much for personality.

Personality affects looks/visual-attraction, and looks/visual attraction Does affect one's read on personality, too. Much the same as if you found out a regular on the forums looked Nothing like their photos in their profile, IRL.

If we are a narcissist, then we seek a certain type of victim (ie, a certain type of receptive personality). and so on.

I wouldn't say that. I think a narc is going to tend to want someone who's more "bendable" and is going to go Their way with less effort VS others, and give them the praise that they feel they deserve. Doesn't mean the SO is a victim, but of course, their chances of a failed relationship and treated like sh!t down the line becomes High if it's not an ideal "match". And of course, a Narc or Psychopath can be that way in general, but in certain gears, not be. Like with a solid GF & mom they're not, but at work and amongst people in general in life, they are. And the other way around, we all are going to have our moments being narcissistic or even psychopathic (both are on a spectrum), and non-narcs & non-psychopaths can end up being one in particular isolated environments, but rightfully not labeled as such as a person.

The Narc and psychopath isn't terribly different. It's cut from the same cloth, but it's just an Observational variance. One key difference is that the narc wants attention & validation as their ends. The psychopath sees it as a means to an ends. There's many many attributes they share -- a key requirement being having very little empathy toward other people. Pretty much dysfunctional. Almost like treating people IRL as if they're folks living on the other side of the globe behind their computer, in a random online computer game.

One example I read to see how you can differ them: Take a narc & psychopath. Both married. After work, each goes home to a younger gal from work's apartment to shag. After porking said gal, they're driving home to their wife... and hit a stoplight. Both have no guilt. The narc is thinking "Yep yep yep, I still got it. Hell yeah," and is happy for his validation. The psychopath, yeah, that's there some of course, but, she didn't have to be some young hottie. It wasn't that much out of validation. It was the dominance that he could Get them -- more of a Power control thing. And when they both get home -- the narc is going to be, if anything, a little more pleasant to his wife, he's happier for sowing some oats. The psychopath isn't, and is more apt to be more of a d!ck to her, as she's not good enough.
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 67
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Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/7/2018 3:58:16 PM
“Hawking what always bemuses me is that attractive intelligent people feel they will succeed on sites like this, free and full of fakes and flakes and will persist for years. What are they looking for?? Women in particular who have it all going on dont have to be here or similar sites...”

I agree that “women who have it all going on” don’t stay on dating websites for any extended period of time. “men who have it all going on” often don’t have relationship motives so they may continue on OLD indefinitely, piling up conquests, but few women think that way. The women that fall into that “have it all going on” do tend to just drop in and quickly drop out, either because they’re great catches and meet a great guy really fast, or they quickly discover that OLD (or POF specifically) is a terrible experience for them. That’s why guys who “don’t have it all going on” have to be highly persistent on these things: great women are fleeting and if you drop out for a month, you might miss that 2 week window the love of your life was on there. Personally, I’m still actively involved on the dating site after 11 years (EGADS) because... why not? What else am I going to do while killing time during lazy spells at work? I’m a realist. I know at this point anything I do on this site is 99.9% chance of failure. But doing absolutely nothing is 100% chance of failure.

Whenever I have the upgrade (like I do currently), I’m always surprised to discover just how long some women have been on this site. I go through thousands of profiles every year, so it’s not like I’m going to remember most women I contacted from 2014. So there have been multiple times lately that I’ll come across a seemingly awesome woman’s profile and prepare to message her, then discover that I already messaged her, 3 or 4 years ago, or that she looked at my profile back in 2015. And I’ll be like... what the hell is THIS woman still doing on this site? And that’s when you realize that “awesome woman” is likely a very serious flake. I mean, it’s not a mere matter of her being on the site 3 or 4 years later, but of her CONTINUOUSLY being on the site for 3 or 4 years. Everybody “normal” will likely eventually meet someone, then delete their profiles and disappear for a few months/years/whatever, then maybe breakup and return with a new profile to find somebody new. But to be an attractive woman with it “all going on” and on here continuously with the same profile for years suggests that maybe said-woman doesn’t have it “all going on” and is missing something. In her head, that is.

All forums-regulars excluded from above paragraph. Because quite frankly, I don’t think any forum regular (besides myself and maybe ohenry) is actually seeking dates with his/her profile, so being here continuously with the same profile for 5-10 years is meaningless for them. Which is not to say there isn’t something wrong in the head with most forum regulars.
 forumzfishonly
Joined: 12/17/2017
Msg: 68
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/7/2018 4:39:42 PM

sussex11 wrote in part:
I read once: We don't get what we want, we get what we are.

Sounds like whoever wrote it was trying to be profound

Probably some dude who ended up attracting a tranny...:0 shudder!
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 69
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Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/8/2018 1:38:46 AM

I agree that “women who have it all going on” don’t stay on dating websites for any extended period of time.

I don't agree with that, though. Some working women who are good catches are like guys, hold a high requirement to get tied down, and like to be single & dating. But I'll more agree with you if they've active on pretty much forever... and not more-or-less active for a good while, then fizzling away... then a long while later seeing them on again for an extended period. Not to say the great catches also won't be taken in a relatively short period of time -- but when gone real quick, there's a much better chance they got scared off (or were just playing around on it).

That’s why guys who “don’t have it all going on” have to be highly persistent on these things: great women are fleeting and if you drop out for a month, you might miss that 2 week window the love of your life was on there.

I agree that guys have to be more persistent, but I think when you Do get out there in the dating field and stuff, you find it's not Mars & Venus: Don't follow what female friends say about what girls End up doing. :) Many gals, notably city career gals, are a lot more like guys than we're led to believe (by parents, female friends, etc). Not as crude as guys usually of course.

What else am I going to do while killing time during lazy spells at work? I’m a realist. I know at this point anything I do on this site is 99.9% chance of failure.

Then do something Different. Go on Bumble, btw. Has older women than Tinder and it's more relationship-oriented. Gals write YOU first. And you don't have to put height down either. Also -- what else are you going to do? Do something Different, if there's a 99.9% chance of failure in what you're doing... even if it's failure rate still seems high.

I’ll come across a seemingly awesome woman’s profile and prepare to message her, then discover that I already messaged her, 3 or 4 years ago, or that she looked at my profile back in 2015. And I’ll be like... what the hell is THIS woman still doing on this site?

Maybe she came back after she broke up with her BF, and she never deleted her profile like many don't (but goes into zombie mode).

But to be an attractive woman with it “all going on” and on here continuously with the same profile for years suggests that maybe said-woman doesn’t have it “all going on” and is missing something. In her head, that is.

Good chance of that. Or situationally + not really looking for an LTR, no matter what they put in their profile. If/when you Do start meeting gals, you realize what they say they're "looking for" in their profile is not necessarily the case IRL. :)
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 70
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/8/2018 6:10:52 AM
"we don't get what we want, we get what we are"

>>ask a person who wants to live in a mansion, what they really live in. Or who wants a Ferrari or a Mercedes, what they really drive. That's what they are willing to work for, sacrifice for, to have. Or maybe they were born with the brains or drive or inheritance or whatever else it took to get that material thing.

I know, that's going to ruffle some feathers :) but we do make some choices in life.
 legitgenuine77
Joined: 1/5/2018
Msg: 71
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Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/9/2018 11:42:07 AM
personally and realistically women and people and general just need to grow up and stop living their high school college life styles and really pay close attention to what truly is more important out of life to end up being happy.. for exsample
GREED VS LOVE
PASSION VS SHALLOW
 legitgenuine77
Joined: 1/5/2018
Msg: 72
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Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/9/2018 12:36:52 PM
and second thing i wanted to point out is
the main majority of reason why women are still on the site is not because of forgotten to delete their accounts it mainly because they want to secretly keep it active incase a dumper needs to be done ( those who i personally call are a players heart breakers ) go figure and that a no brainer
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