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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious      Home login  
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 Ashburnguy99
Joined: 1/16/2012
Msg: 101
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxiousPage 5 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

Men if you have a problem you can address it upfront, in a way that preserves your dignity and allows the woman to make the decision that she wish to continue seeing you.


Fair enough Giggles, but how exactly would a guy do that, and when? IMHO any talk about sex (favorite positions, what you like, what you will and won't do, etc) prior to the relationship actually reaching the physical stage, comes off as premature, presumptuous, creepy and a turn off. You may have appreciated the guy e-mailing you to let you that he doesn't do anal, but if I had a girl send me that same message, I would not go out with her. Not because I do or don't like anal, but because I would think it's just downright odd and out of place for her to bring that up in e-mail when I've never even met her.

Likewise, if a woman started talking to me about her sexual "problems" on our first date (or even sooner via e-mail), that would be a turn off. If there was any “vibe” going on, that would kill it for me. The funny thing is, if I got to know that person, and I was comfortable with that person, and there was enough of a mutual attraction and affection, perhaps I would be willing to work through those issues, or work around those issues. I wouldn’t know that until I got to know the person.

I just don’t see any reasonable, rational, mature way that a man tells a woman up front that he has ED.
 SuperRomantic
Joined: 2/12/2012
Msg: 102
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/19/2012 11:04:29 AM
That may be viewed as an ice-breaker but, if such a topic were ever acknowledged, they have a much more serious issue with priapism (an erection lasting more than four hours). Nothing pleasant or funny about that condition. There's no need to embarrass or make one feel that topic is the "only" thing that will suffice when the moment arises. If the gentleman is aware and has 'any' sensitivity or heart about himself and the one he's involved with (and from the sound of the initial question - to this poster, it doesn't appear that sensitivity was used getting to know those particular individuals), he will come to terms of what his limitations are well before that golden opportunity arises (no pun intended). Remember, communication is ALWAYS the key to any relationship. If the topic is THAT important to you, then YOU will have to approach the subject on your own terms. You both need to be mature about it and know that there are other ways around either the inability to sustain or even produce an erection. There are many things that can contribute to the same symptoms of ED as have been stated prior and probably after this posting. Words to the wise, folks. That's my two cents...

~ SuperRomantic
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 103
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/19/2012 7:00:12 PM

Medically speaking, the vast majority of ED is psychological, not physiological. So, in this context, you weren't the one who get past what are most likely his issues. And, yes, most likely they are his issues.


If this were true then there would be the same percentage of men affected in younger groups.This is old thinking.Apparently before Viagra some docs were still hooking men up to a device which would measure penis response to visual erotic stimulation?Who said the inquisition ended a few hundred years ago.Sometimes I have so little respect for the medical establishment.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 104
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/19/2012 7:29:38 PM

Fair enough Giggles, but how exactly would a guy do that, and when? IMHO any talk about sex (favorite positions, what you like, what you will and won't do, etc) prior to the relationship actually reaching the physical stage, comes off as premature, presumptuous, creepy and a turn off. You may have appreciated the guy e-mailing you to let you that he doesn't do anal, but if I had a girl send me that same message, I would not go out with her. Not because I do or don't like anal, but because I would think it's just downright odd and out of place for her to bring that up in e-mail when I've never even met her.

Likewise, if a woman started talking to me about her sexual "problems" on our first date (or even sooner via e-mail), that would be a turn off. If there was any “vibe” going on, that would kill it for me. The funny thing is, if I got to know that person, and I was comfortable with that person, and there was enough of a mutual attraction and affection, perhaps I would be willing to work through those issues, or work around those issues. I wouldn’t know that until I got to know the person.

I just don’t see any reasonable, rational, mature way that a man tells a woman up front that he has ED.


Well anal has a completely different sexual connotation than ED, I wasn't offend and he was sincere and had even made statements on these forums to that effect.

If a woman acted in a mature manner and advised you ahead of time of her sexual preference that would be a turn-off. I can get a woman saying she owns stock in lube being a bit crass but aren't all of us on here hoping for a relationship to go to that next step so to go thru all the steps up to it and then go...OH BY THE WAY...causes so much more pressure and ill will than whatever crass element a mature person might inject in a conversation about abilities. Anal is mostly a preference and I can see the turn-off factor; but to not disclose to a person that you might have trouble in general can be a bigger issue.

The one guy I met who flew in to see me a few days before we were to met just calmly said in the course of the phone conversation, I have had issues in the past with Ed, it is something I have addressed and do not feel there would be a problem if WE decide we wish to take that next step. I told him I was interested in meeting him and getting to know him and we could cross that bridge when the time came. When the time came there wasn't a problem...but if there had been I was forewarned and wouldn't have been upset.

It's part of life and when we keep the ADULT part of maturity and accept where we are it is easy to view things in their appropriate place. When individuals get upset is when they think everything is going great and then something happens and they weren't advised, then they feel taken advantage of. People feel making a good connection with someone before you tell them something will help but imho it just makes the person wonder what else you might be hiding and especially on such a sensitive subject...if you aren't going to disclose that to me...what else might you not be telling me?
 Ashburnguy99
Joined: 1/16/2012
Msg: 105
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/19/2012 11:08:38 PM

If a woman acted in a mature manner and advised you ahead of time of her sexual preference that would be a turn-off. I can get a woman saying she owns stock in lube being a bit crass but aren't all of us on here hoping for a relationship to go to that next step so to go thru all the steps up to it and then go...OH BY THE WAY...causes so much more pressure and ill will than whatever crass element a mature person might inject in a conversation about abilities. Anal is mostly a preference and I can see the turn-off factor; but to not disclose to a person that you might have trouble in general can be a bigger issue.


I believe you meant that first sentence to be a question, and yes, it would be somewhat of a turn off. I don't need or want to know a woman's sexual preferences during our first or second date. For that matter, I'm perfectly happy if you wait to tell me about your sexual preferences until we have come to the mutual decision to be intimate.

Having said that, I completely agree that sexual compatibility is important in a relationship, and I also agree that most everyone is hoping to meet someone and be with someone that we can ultimately be intimate with. We don't disagree at all about these points, but the question is, when do we start talking about sex? You want to know and discuss things up front, and I prefer to discover things. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. Everyone does what they are comfortable with. And I suspect that circumstances very often dictate how and when we interact with our partner about sex. There may be times that you end up waiting to talk about sex, and there may be times that I end up talking about sex right away. It doesn't mean that we both don't want what we want, but it just means that circumstances may have altered our perspective.
 DRFK
Joined: 2/4/2012
Msg: 106
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/22/2012 6:00:29 PM
Is that Educationally Deficiant??
OH NO......!!!!!
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 107
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/23/2012 2:00:57 PM
Assume if the man has a belly bigger than a woman who is 9 months pregnant.....that he has ED and probably cannot even SEE his stuff unless he looks in a mirror and hefts his gut.....
 lacalli
Joined: 1/12/2012
Msg: 108
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/23/2012 2:11:28 PM
^^^Oh, lord.
 Bostonia2012
Joined: 2/11/2012
Msg: 109
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/23/2012 8:43:48 PM
blacklady1953, if he can't see his stuff that means he's a member of the**** Do Club.
To join, your belly has to stick out further than your**** do!
 Plenty_of_FreeTime
Joined: 10/26/2011
Msg: 110
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/25/2012 6:50:45 PM
This thread rocks,I need to peruse the Forum more often!

As far as ED goes, I guess I'm one of the lucky ones who's never dealt with that,not being arrogant just honest.
But I think diet and having an active lifestyle helps the wood work,so to speak,
and I'm over 60.
Also supplements like Arginine , Nitric Oxide tend to increase blood flow,
and so does laying off the booze.
Give it a try ED guys,got nothing to lose and a bunch to maybe regain!

But as far as bringing up the dis-function subject,that can be a little tricky.
Same goes for the woman,how do you tell your new partner things don't function like they used to?
I guess it all boils down to communication and what's REALLY important in your relationship.
 TryAgan
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 111
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/25/2012 7:47:21 PM
I'm not sure that the ED is as prevalent as some sources quote. I'm not the same as I was, but fortunately I get by without any kind of pills (white or colored).

Healthy diet combined with some walking, swimming, and not to forget frequent sex do wonders for you and your loved one.
 Trevork52
Joined: 1/2/2007
Msg: 112
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/26/2012 6:41:17 AM
Giggles suggested "I think if I slow danced with a guy and he got excited I would be overly concerned especially if we had just met and not known each other very long"!

I consider myself a very "ordinary" sort of fella with all the normal reactions and responses to situations! I'm also " mature" in years but like to think I'm still fully functional and fortunate for that! However, if I was in a bar or at some sort of dance and an attractive woman I'd never met before ended up in a close slow dance with me then, as sure as it will get dark tonight, I will respond/react/get excited every time! This is not to cast any sort of slur or disrespect on a woman at all. I would suggest that its one of lifes "involuntary" reactions! I don't think how long I had known that particular woman would have any bearing on that at all!

Trevor
 Delta23879
Joined: 5/6/2011
Msg: 113
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/26/2012 3:31:24 PM
You missed out the main ones - Diabetes and medication effects !!
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 114
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/28/2012 1:25:11 PM
I think at this age it should be a muture discussion between the couple and should include what is expected and what may be issues. Men and women should both be up front, maybe not the "I don't do anal" conversation over dinner but a guy should be able to state freely what he expects, if he has issues and even frequency of sexual relations. Women should be up front about their issues as well or menopause related issues as well as frequency of sexual relations.

Personally, I don't have an issue with a guy who uses the little blue pill, what I do have an issue with is frequency - I might be a twice a week person and he is a once a month person - ain't gonna fly. And after reading some of the forums if I were a man I'd be wondering about whether the woman in question was up for sex as there sure are a lot of women on here that could take it or leave it...especially leave it.

There is a time and place for this conversation and more importantly, a need for this conversation.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 115
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/28/2012 5:48:28 PM

I think at this age it should be a muture discussion between the couple and should include what is expected and what may be issues. Men and women should both be up front, maybe not the "I don't do anal" conversation over dinner but a guy should be able to state freely what he expects, if he has issues and even frequency of sexual relations. Women should be up front about their issues as well or menopause related issues as well as frequency of sexual relations.


The bs could still fly over what constitutes "hard".The only way to really tell is the Brinell Scale.And then the test.
 TryAgan
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 116
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/28/2012 5:57:09 PM

I'm wondering why it's on the women to find out this important info

It's not so much WHY, but HOW they do it.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 117
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/29/2012 7:09:14 PM

I never intend to go through this humiliation again, yet how can one ask about such a personal thing? And what about the liars? This isn't about being on special meds that make erection impossible, or medical conditions, this is about the natural lessing of testosterone production in many men as they mature. And the men not dealing with it. Denial? Or thinking the "right woman" will make it stand at attention again?

^^^^ Sending you a big hug, because I know all too well what you're talking about.
Supposedly though...things are more open these day than they were 23 years ago. At age 36...my intimate life came to a screeching halt because my 46 yr old husband had begun to develop a whopping case of ED. For over nearly 10 years, he denied that their was a problem, refused to discuss the "problem"....while I took midnight showers so my tears were drown out by the sound of running water. NOBODY...and I mean NOBODY has ANY empathy for the women in these situations. When I was told that it was "my problem"...and that I should solve it....LOL! I DID....I filed for divorce. At that point, he decided that maybe he should get himself checked out. There was no viagra or any of those drugs at the time but they "surgery". While going through pre-op tests, they discovered that he had 3 blocked arteries. 100%, 100% and 90%. He was a walking time-bomb. So, instead of getting his "picker" fixed (as one so cutely put it), he had a triple by pass. Me being a "oversexed b1tch" saved his life. As for his "picker"....I don't know, and don't care. After all those years of feeling guilty and responsible for something that was in no way my fault, I totally lost interest in any sort of physical relationship with him.
We are still today very good friends (divorced nearly 15 yrs) but the thought of an intimate relationship makes my stomach upset. What really ticks me off is that he still tells everyone how much he loves me ( a lie) but yet allowed me to really suffer physically and emotionally for a decade rather than jeopardize his pride.

LOL! Here's how I'm handling NOT having to have that awkward conversation: I'm not dating again until it's a complete non-issue. When I'm ready to get rid of Battery Operated Boyfriends, and just consign myself to a rocking chair and a companion across the dinner table, I'll think about finding a partner. The disappointment is bad enough, but being called all sorts of unkind things just because you have normal biological needs and desires is completely unacceptable.
 Plenty_of_FreeTime
Joined: 10/26/2011
Msg: 118
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/29/2012 10:15:55 PM
GrandmaBooBoo

WOW quite a story there,you sound like a saint of a lady,you deserve to find happiness!
 Dancing_4_You
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 119
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 3/1/2012 1:15:06 AM
there are many different causes of "ED" and different degrees of it. a good number of contributing factors are solvable. there is a link with prostatitis, meds, and like women who have had lack of feeling traditionally, just fear of a new relationship can interfere--especially if the man has been with just one woman for a long while.

being from nyc, i have no problem discussing it after a while. i just ask how they address their sexuality given their single status and discuss viagra, ED, in general first. some need it, some don't know they need it, some think they need it and after they get rid of their anxiety, they don't need it.

we've discussed this amongst men and women in groups here where i live in CA, as well as in nyc. most guys i know have no problem discussing it and what they do if they have it. there are many old forum threads on ED if you search it or by it's full name.

also, there are special physical therapy techniques for men with prostatitis to relieve the pain that in turn, causes the ED from the inflammation. i know about this, because my lymes physical therapist has studied this and people come from afar to see her. these techniques also help women with severe pelvic pain. i once saw a medical tv show on the latter and boy was that scary. with that kind of pain, i don't think i'd even look for a mate, but this was about a younger woman in love and so she "endured".

i think the hardest part is ED from certain drugs (heart, depression, etc.). my friend's husband has thisproblem, but has gotten very creative. he loves her and takes care of her needs. she, in turn, gives him a lot of nurturing. also, for men, they can orgasm w/o an erection. some need to train in this technique in tantra classes, etc.

so, for those home alone with their vibrators, if a good man is willing, i imagine you can figure it out for the most part. just like the women who could not orgasm at the drop of a hat when men were younger. takes a bit of patience and creativity :)

as for screwing a young boy cougar fashion, i personally need something between the ears as well as the legs! plus, i cannot help being a mom. these young guys irritated the heck out of me when i was single. if one approached me in a dancing venue, i'd sit him down and create a college education plan for him and lecture him on safe sex. usually, they end up sobbing about the little girlfriends who left them, etc. plus, having cougar notches on their belts makes them popular with their guy cronies. this to me is such a turn off!! i'd rather figure out the ED issue if needed.
 GASailor
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 120
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 3/1/2012 4:18:03 AM
Reading through this thread I didn't see anyone admitting they had an ED problem so I guess it is up to me. I have had ED for several years but through the miracle of modern chemistry and a little imagination I do not get any complaints. There is no excuse for a man to ignore the problem and totally inexcusable to hide it from a prospective partner. It only requires swallowing your pride in the doctor's office for about 5 minutes (and a $5 pill).

BTW, I accidentally found a way to bring the subject up as innocuously as possible. As a bonus it can comfortably turn the conversation to sex. We got on the subject of hair. (I have been told that I have "good hair".) I joked that Rogaine is at least ONE pill I don't need. She picked up on it immediately and the subject quickly turned to a comparison of Viagra and Cialis. It may not work every time but it is worth a try.
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 121
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 3/1/2012 4:34:08 PM
Are you saying all 5 men you met, 5? only 5? they couldnt perform?
Men like to feel desirable and sexy, like they know they turn us on, not like its an experiment and everyone is watching them perform.
I dont think its the men who have the problem.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 122
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 3/1/2012 6:48:24 PM

and.....well....why not both? BOB and a companion???


I would say this position might be evident to the male,they could either treat you like you are not important in that department,or simply decide that a relationship should take quite some time to develop physically as the woman can always go home to her plastic piece.I do believe you have taken this position previously....most men will move on if they don't feel the woman is actually interested in them physically.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 123
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 3/2/2012 8:32:22 AM

I would say this position might be evident to the male,they could either treat you like you are not important in that department,or simply decide that a relationship should take quite some time to develop physically as the woman can always go home to her plastic piece.I do believe you have taken this position previously....most men will move on if they don't feel the woman is actually interested in them physically.
LOL! If I have explained this once...I've explained it a thousand times...and I am NOT Dr. Laura dammit!

Men and women are DIFFERENT. B.O.B. is not a man's enemy....NOR does the existence of B.O.B lessen a woman's desire for the man. Quite the contrary. While long periods of abstinence cause men to orgasm more quickly, for women it works the exact opposite. Long periods of abstinence increase the time it takes for her to be aroused to orgasm. B.O.B....or "practice sex" as I call it....just keeps her ready and anxious for the real thing...when and if it ever happens. LOL! Hope I cleared that up for you....and saved Stargazin the embarrassment of having to go into "detail"! :-)
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 124
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 3/2/2012 9:03:04 AM
BooBoo! Spot on with that last post g/f! Also if a man is not offended by the use of BOB when the couple is together, (mind you not all the time), then it shows me a maturity and an understanding/openess that we can both give and receive to achieve a happy end result!

I seriously would hate to be a man though and have the pressures of this...but hopefully the parties involved can work through it
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 125
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 3/2/2012 9:09:51 AM
Ah but moonie....when all is in working order and working often......the parties are as happy and content as they can be......and using all the toys and tools at your discretion is but an added pleasure and adventure.........

cd..........
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