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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious      Home login  
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 tbicon
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 151
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxiousPage 7 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

I never intend to go through this humiliation again, yet how can one ask about such a personal thing


Haven't read any of the responses on this thread, so excuse me if this has already been said, but your complaint is almost a narcissistic venting. You are not the one who is humiliated, its the guy. I have no idea how many guys have this problem above 45, but if you have met so many guys with the problem, I am willing to bet that you have something to do with it.
 Lionesse19
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 152
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 6/4/2012 6:22:28 PM
Paderic

Getting a stiffy is one thing but being able to sustain it, can be the problem as one gets older and less fit. Also the woman is generally older too and the sexual attraction may not be there. If they can attract a younger person that may well be the answer and of course many go for it. I dont see why the woman should feel humiliated really, it is the guy's problem. If he lies about it all then I would just move on.
 Got_bait
Joined: 6/1/2012
Msg: 153
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 6/5/2012 4:02:41 PM
I think if you're dating someone in their latter 40's or 50's, it is something that is fair to talk about with a potential partner. I think as adults we should be mature and be able to discuss the more common issues that men and women face in this age group. Alternatively, I've heard stories such as men complaining that the women don't want as much sex and they do. My friend who is 54 says the last thing she wants to do is have sex. The fact is we are all different and I don't see an issue to just come right out and talk about it.

I faced this type of situation for the first time in my life and did not know how to handle it. Since then, I've read up more on the common issues that men face in that department (just in case!). I usually date my age or older so I need to know this information.
 harlydavis
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 154
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 6/6/2012 8:44:53 PM
that's not HER responsibility. It's HIS to bring the blue pill. Come on, he knows if he has that issue...
 Bikada
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 155
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 6/19/2012 5:19:19 AM
What I'm curious about is if men with ED masternate and achieve orgasm? Can that happen if it doesn't get hard?
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 156
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 6/19/2012 6:59:28 AM
^^Funny you mention that? Most men don't have an issue coming right out and asking women if they are into sex or not, so I am guessing we can turn the tables and ask if they have ED issues?
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 157
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 6/19/2012 7:12:26 AM
All men have ED issues, some more than others. No need to ask, unless you can be quite specific. There are so many things that can affect male sexual performance that the question itself can be pretty meaningless outside of conditions related to physical causes, which, last I read, account for only about 10 percent of the cases.

Might be simpler just to ask how he feels about sex, or ask if he has any serious or chronic medical issues.

What I wonder is if a person does not like sex, why date at all? Plenty of other options for doing things with friends.....
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 158
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 6/19/2012 8:36:29 AM
Readguard, I think I have a better than average familiarity with this subject. I gained this familiarity by being able to adjust my libido to suit what I find most works the best. And dating women that have a strong desire or absent real desire, they are willing to accommodate on demand. So I can also judge my own reaction to them in various situations.

I have never had ED, which is defined as “inability to get a good enough erection to achieve satisfactory intercourse.”

I have had lower libido, which can be caused from lower testosterone, which causes a reduction in my desire for frequent sex. (As a teenager, sex with any moving object.) There is a reduced frequency of masturbation. There was an increased time between erections But I could easily have intercourse, just not multiple orgasms in a single day.

Increasing my libido through increasing testosterone beings me back to the same level as in my 30s. But even in my early 20s I was never into poor sex just for the sake of an orgasm.

Many people think all performance failures are ED, not at all true. I don't have a desire for sex with someone that I don't have good chemistry with. The first time in bed, sure I will be eager, but after the newness of a woman wears off, then I lose interest if she isn't at least ~80% compatible with me. Which many women likely interpret as the man was a player, when actually he discovers they don't have all that much in common and just feels uncomfortable with talking about his disappoint with her as a mate.

Performance abilities in most men without ED are related to anxiety and desire. Masturbation is easy for those with performance anxiety, since we can't disappoint ourselves, no one is there to judge us, there is no pressure to perform.

Lower libido and performance anxiety combine to cause most problems, which can affect a man at any age, though lower libido is common over 50. True ED is more like 10% in those without definite health problems. Obese, diabetic, drug interactions, etc, cause a lot of ED.

To answer another poster's question, I have had women discuss this before I met them, but they brought it up in a round about way, by talking about past problems with others.

I post about this because maybe it can help some men that are concerned about these issues.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 159
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 6/19/2012 9:42:24 AM
Well, Dragon, I think that you are splitting hairs here. To me, if you ever have tried to make it and failed, for whatever reason, you have had an ED experience. All the rest of the discussion you present is just a rationalization.

I do agree that the variations in hormone level changes the level of desire. Also the many factors that affect performance are real and ever present, and its certainly true that emotional involvement with and the physical characteristics of the woman have a large effect. You can be with a great woman in every way and still find that physically you just don't fit somehow, and when that happens, you just don't want to continue with her, unfortunately.

What appears to me to be a big issue is that people disassociate the physical aspects of sex from the emotional ones. Understandable in that nobody wants to think of themselves as being an unsatisfactory sex partner because of the way they happen to be built. However, its a simple as if you don't like peanut butter and jam sandwiches, you just don't want to eat any.

Saying you have never had an ED experience is to me rather strange. I am not particularly suffering from ED, but I have been too drunk, too stressed, to tired, and even too sexually exhausted at times in my life to the extent that I had to beg off, even while in solid relationships. Its been rare, but it has occurred, and I find it hard to believe that other men have not had similar experiences.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 160
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 6/19/2012 10:00:17 AM
rearguard
Saying you have never had an ED experience is to me rather strange. I am not particularly suffering from ED, but I have been too drunk, too stressed, to tired, and even too sexually exhausted at times in my life to the extent that I had to beg off, even while in solid relationships. Its been rare, but it has occurred, and I find it hard to believe that other men have not had similar experiences.


Men like women don't always have an orgasm, women cetainly more often than men, but men also.

A man cannot have sex at anytime under any circumstances, that isn't what ED is defined as. I know my limit even when I am "hungry" is 5 times in one day, I couldn't go beyond that even if I was paid 10,000 for the effort. If you want to call that ED, you are miss using the term, and of course that happens to me as well.

For men with ED, they can't have intercourse at any time, or at most rarely, like once a month, that is ED.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 161
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 6/19/2012 12:12:30 PM
I think DragonBits did a very good job in message number 192. He provided a solid answer to the question posted by Bikada in message 188, about masturbation. I found his post to be factual, and on point.


Moonchild51
Most men don't have an issue coming right out and asking women if they are into sex or not, so I am guessing we can turn the tables and ask if they have ED issues?


That is a very fair question, and I think you should ask. Women have asked me about that very thing, and I am always grateful that they asked. It saves me from having to ask them if they’re interested in sex, because now I know they are.


harlydavis
that's not HER responsibility. It's HIS to bring the blue pill. Come on, he knows if he has that issue...

You are quite correct. As I sometimes have a problem with performance anxiety, I always have the blue pill with me, right along with a condom.


TheloniousMink
People misunderstand ED.

for instance, many times I have to get to know a woman better to perform properly. That is why one night stands never really worked for me. With my last girlfriend, I couldn't perform the first weekend we were together. She was just too new for me . But after that weekend, we ended up making love for 4 hours every night for the next week. Once I felt comfortable, there wasn't any problem, but until I felt comfortable, it wasn't going to happen.


Sounds like performance anxiety to me. The blue pill cures that. Marvelous invention, better living through chemistry, as we used to say back in the 60’s.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 162
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 6/19/2012 1:12:14 PM
TheloniousMink


for instance, many times I have to get to know a woman better to perform properly. That is why one night stands never really worked for me. With my last girlfriend, I couldn't perform the first weekend we were together. She was just too new for me . But after that weekend, we ended up making love for 4 hours every night for the next week. Once I felt comfortable, there wasn't any problem, but until I felt comfortable, it wasn't going to happen.


This is almost exactly the way I feel about it also, and one of the biggest reasons I was never into one night stands. Though usually I can "perform" it's nothing to remember. I really need to get to know someone before it can get intense.
 PaulPow52
Joined: 7/19/2011
Msg: 163
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 3/15/2013 11:54:32 AM
MEN WITH ED NEED TLC FROM WOMEN! I Love to please a woman in whatever way that works! (especially in recent years with ED!) BUT nothing kills a man's self esteem like a women criticizing the man-if he goes limp! You want to climb under the bed and die! Here's a Thought Guys, Older Men get ED, Older Women get Frigate! Now if that happened to my lady, I would do all I could to make her feel like a Woman again! I AGREE with the man that women should help the guy with the Little Blue Pill for Mutual Satifaction! GREAT COMMENT!
 PaulPow52
Joined: 7/19/2011
Msg: 164
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 3/15/2013 12:00:23 PM
And for those who can't keep it up! Read what I said! Paul Pow52
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 165
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 3/15/2013 3:03:07 PM
A man does not have to be OLD to have issues with ED. If you describe your self as an extra few pounds and have ED lose the weight. If the hydraulics are suffering - can't get erect or can't stay erect, then you've probably got other bad stuff happening and shouldn't be putting all that effort in to sex. LOSE the weight. That belly protruding past the chest or sagging over the belt ain't doing you or anybody any favors. MOVE.

I've said it before and I'll said again, that big belly is from the visceral fat laid down all around your internal organs. It is metabolically active and if left alone will kill you or make you wish you were dead. MOVE it, LOSE it.

You might be surprised to findout what happens. Not only will your hypertension abate or disappear, so will you ability to breathe easier. You'll be able to enjoy the rigors of physical intimacy and go longer. You'll pee less at night, you'll sleep better. Likely your snoring will go away.
You know, I'm sure you could add a few reason of your own. (Oh, how 'bout this one: you could enjoy those grandbabies more!)

Anyway, not all ED is related to the belly. Men with diabetes have issues and it did not have to be from type II. Other physical ailments can also affect the hydraulics. Certain drugs. BUT, don't use those realities from the number one reality: Big Belly Disease.

TK
[yeah, I'm a little passionate about this one]
 Archiver
Joined: 3/10/2013
Msg: 166
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 3/15/2013 4:14:39 PM
The best lover I ever had was functionally impotent. He could get it up and enjoyed BJs and hand jobs, but could not stay up long enough for intercourse. However, he had a wonderful imagination, a dirty mind, and marvelous fingers and tongue. And then there were the toys and other accouterments he introduced to me. Oh my! For the three years we were lovers no one else could compare. I was in my thirties and he in his sixties. We still keep in touch thirty years later. He's around 85 now and in an assisted living home on the other side of the country, but I would bet the randy old goat could still put a smile on my face. Hmmm, I think I'll send him a letter with a copy of this post.
 domainfullduplex100
Joined: 12/21/2012
Msg: 167
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 3/16/2013 5:01:52 PM
wonder why men put themselves under so much duress to please women? it's silly...if you can't...you can't..pack it in, get help for any underlying issues... very inadequate women suddenly are given enormous power over men, even being abusive. Nobody should put up with that.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 168
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 3/21/2013 8:39:59 PM
domainfullduplex100 ~~ not that easy, Bunky. ED is a plumbing problem, NOT a libido problem. They *may* manifest together, in which case, he's likely not looking, and happy as a clam.

Where I have problems with it is if he's not taking care of himself, refuses to see a doctor, and blames me or other ladies for being deficient in the the "enticement" department. Both childish and counterproductive.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 169
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 3/24/2013 6:40:43 AM

That would be like a woman telling you, why don't you just jack off.


More like telling him she gives great head, and is willing to do handjobs, too. . . . . Perhaps there are more than a few fellas out there who wouldn't be adverse to such tradeoff?
 GL165
Joined: 11/12/2012
Msg: 170
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 3/25/2013 6:48:44 PM
Lol. a good trade as long as everything else is there.

Got a buddy that absolutely freaks out when he runs low on blue pills. He asked me one time, and I said no I have the other problem. Finding a girl who will put up with a bit more activity than normal.
All of them say they are tired of minute men and ED guys but when they actually get the other end of the spectrum they usually don't want it at all.

Kind of a different problem. How do you bring up the fact that they may have lost the drive to keep up vs what they imagine they can, post menopause.
 15111958
Joined: 12/6/2011
Msg: 171
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 3/25/2013 10:11:28 PM
What I'm curious about is if men with ED masternate and achieve orgasm? Can that happen if it doesn't get hard?


Yes. It still feels good whether the penis is hard or not. Sometimes when I masturbate it's soft 80% of the time. It will usually get hard just before I reach climax. Usually it's hard most of the time while I masturbate, depending on how horny I am.
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 172
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 3/26/2013 1:01:40 PM
Tarnished Knight spoke of "Big Belly Disease." He is so right. Generally, if a man has to stand in front of a full length mirror in order to see his penis, his belly is WAY TOO BIG!
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 173
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 3/26/2013 1:18:00 PM

Got a buddy that absolutely freaks out when he runs low on blue pills. He asked me one time, and I said no I have the other problem. Finding a girl who will put up with a bit more activity than normal.


It's true, 90% of men that post online don't have ED.

100% of those that post about it have several friends that do have ED.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 174
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 3/26/2013 3:36:31 PM
Do women actually "criticize" a man when he has ED? I'm just wondering about that. Certainly if a woman hasn't been told and the non-event happens at a very untimely moment, she is going to be surprised--dismayed. This is not criticism of you. This is a natural reaction to an entirely unexpected turn of events. If a guy doesn't want to surprise a woman, he'd better prepare her for the possibility/likelihood of a failure to launch. And if she cannot imagine working around that, she has very little imagination or very specific needs. Either way, you just aren't a good match.

I think part of the challenge involving this issue-and it was mentioned in an earlier post--is that it really is a "couple's issue," one that husband and wife work through together when it happens in their marriage. In the dating world, however, many are not coupled yet--so how does a guy go about becoming coupled--matched with a loving person who is willing to work through it with him--when he already has the problem?

I guess I see it somewhat like the weight issue. I'm overweight and can choose to do something about it to make myself more desirable/attractive. A guy with ED can choose to do something about his ED and overall health (because many times, as has been pointed out, the two are related). If he chooses not to deal with it--or if I choose not to lose weight--then we are choosing to narrow our options.

Because it is hidden, however, men can get away with not revealing it. If they choose to do that, then they are choosing to let the chips fall where they may--and if a woman reacts negatively, it is because he has put himself in this situation. I am not at all saying that he deserves to have ED--but if he ends up with a woman upset or mad b/c he can't function and he *knew* he couldn't function, well, he was the only one with the power to prevent himself from ending up in that situation.

The OP does not want to end up in that situation again, so she is willing to ask--and I would bet she's the exception (not among us nosy, outspoken forumites, of course). My advice to men is either (a) only date women who post in this forum (hahaha) or (b) just be upfront about it. The ED is a lot less of an issue when it isn't sprung on someone (no pun intended) as a big surprise.
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 175
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 3/26/2013 5:04:35 PM
Wouldn't know much about ED .But last girlfriend I had always seemed to have a headache so I went by the old rule. Since I am not into platonic relationships the old rule is , put out or get out .
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