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 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 8
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Am I wrong for this?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Your actions were 100 percent correct. His actions sound fishy, even predatory. I don't like at all that he was trying to get you to come to his house. Probably he's just a loser, but who knows, maybe he had seriously bad intentions. As Yamaha suggested, i think the only thing you need to work on is trusting your own judgements and intuitions. There are predators out there who use a young woman's tendency to doubt herself. Don't be scared to act strongly, or even to sometimes risk beingseen as " a rhymes-with-witch. " Yes you will get some blowback at times from people who have bad intentions and don't like you protecting yourself. They'll try to make you think you're crazy or mean. Who cares? Who cares what predatory people think or bad names they might call you? Of course they will try to get you to doubt yourself. Don't. Trust your instincts. You did the right thing and I commend you. Don't go anywhere non public with this guy. I don't like at all that he tried to make you think that YOU had misunderstood, trying to make you think that you had agreed to pick him up. That's classic predator behavior. Something doesn't ring right here. Be super careful if you do agree to meet him, even in public. If it were me, I would cancel the date. He's already blown it by being dishonest, and it's not worth the risk.
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 9
Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/10/2012 4:02:02 PM
@ msg 6 Mr. Foodie: You are soooooo correct. Relying on a car is pathetic. Walk. Ride the bike. I agree. Long distance driving only. I'm able to live like this at my FL condo. It would be so impressive to meet a woman placing little or no importance on the vehicle.
 pureblisscatch4u
Joined: 3/18/2011
Msg: 10
Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/10/2012 4:03:33 PM
I agree with the last poster. People who are so shallow to say "no car= red flag" are actually worse. Some of us are legally blind and it's unsafe for us to drive everywhere. Now I wouldn't demand my date pick me up and take me everywhere on the first meet, but to dismiss just for this is shallow.
But, I think OP was right for saying no if she was uncomfortable.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 11
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Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/10/2012 4:10:39 PM
The issue isn't whether a man does or doesn't have a car. I have dated many men without cars. They took the bus or we met halfway; later on in our relationship I might give them rides. The issue here is that he was dishonest about it and tried to manipulate OP into picking him, a total stranger, up at his house. That's totally unsafe and very unreasonable and no thoughtful man (or woman, for that matter) would ask that. He's either stupid, lazy, and entitled, or he has actively bad intentions, ranging from seduction (at best) to rape.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 12
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Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/10/2012 4:13:03 PM

no way make plans to allow someone into your car that you really do not know !

yep. this is the primary consideration here. but if it's a reasonable walk from the meeting spot to the theater, there's no reason to rule out the movie option.


Spoke to him earlier today and he for some reason is under the impression that I was going to be meeting him at his home and driving us to the movies and then driving him back home.

were you both clear and specific about the logistics when you set it up? if not, it'll be worthwhile to make sure you nail down these details in future. misunderstandings in this line can ruin first impressions of worthwhile people.

The issue here is that he was dishonest

assumption.

That's totally unsafe and very unreasonable and no thoughtful man (or woman, for that matter) would ask that.

an inexperienced one might. and that's how we all were at one time.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 14
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Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/10/2012 4:19:06 PM
I don't believe for a New York minute this is an issue of misunderstanding. I think this man is trying to manipulate OP by pretending to have 'misunderstood'. What normal person, male or female, thinks an Internet date is going to pick them up at their house and drive them to the movies? For a male to 'be under the impression' that a young woman is going to pick him up--a totally strange male-- and drive him around--seriously? I think it's all bull. There is no misunderstanding here; he's trying to get in her head and make her think she agree to something no sane woman would ever agree to. If you are in NYC, why can't he take public transportation? The bottom line here is: he tried to manipulate her into going to his house. Why?
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 16
Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/10/2012 5:23:28 PM

an inexperienced one might. and that's how we all were at one time.


I agree with this. Several men have suggested coming to my house for coffee, or me going to theirs, or picking me up for our first meet, or a long drive in the country (or ride on their mototbike).

They've all been totally understanding when I've explained why those aren't options, and a couple have been quite embarrassed that they were so naive not to realise that most women wouldn't put themselves in that position.

Back to the OP, I can't see how this can have been a misunderstanding. How could he ask to meet you and arrange what you would be doing on the meet, and when it would happen, and not mention that he expected you to collect him? Is it possible he intended to meet you by driving himself there, but at the time you rang he had discovered that his sister had his car so he asked if it would be possible for you to collect him? I could see why a man might offer that suggestion rather than cancel the date on you.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 17
Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/10/2012 5:25:59 PM
I don't even want men whom I know to pick me up at my house. It means that I am dependent on someone else for a ride.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 18
Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/10/2012 5:40:01 PM

it's the fact he may be lying about having a vehicle.
I had that happen to me once & NO I do not live in NYC. Also, when a woman who drives & owns a car dates a guy who doesn't, it sure makes for a lopsided relationship

That would make an interesting thread, if anyone wants to start it, go ahead, LOL

OP do not go into a stranger's car or vice versa PLEASE BE CAREFUL
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 19
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Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/10/2012 6:02:16 PM
I'm thinking the guy might not want another date.
You're not wrong, just unwilling to help a fellow out. Throw in assuming he's lying about the car, or allowing your mind to feel justified in thinking...well, he could be lying. Who wants someone like that? Geez!
I've picked up guys from the ferry because I figured no use bringing his car over when it's not necessary, save the guy a few bucks, whatever. Not one deviant in the bunch. It's sad to hear of so many rules people place on each other, and so much paranoia.
And yes, there is a chance in a million he might be a deviant, but after chatting with him enough to want to date him, the chances of that are even rarer if you've done your part.
No wonder...
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 20
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Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/10/2012 9:30:38 PM
re: Msg 20 -- "One chance in a million he might be a deviant"--what universe do you live in, DameRight?? I'd like to live there - cuz it sounds much nicer than the one the rest of us are stuck in--you know, the one where hundreds of thousands of women are raped every year, some of them by men they met off the Internet, and usually because the creep guilted them into thinking they were biatches if they 'didn't want to help a fellow out." Don't listen to her OP, trust your gut and not people who try to make you feel guilty for taking perfectly ordinary precautions to protect yourself.
 0ldhag
Joined: 1/8/2012
Msg: 21
Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/10/2012 10:03:08 PM
But guys do this type of thing all the time.

Why is it so much work for us women?

The only thing that'd i'd be concerned about it meeting him at his house..
 Yankee again
Joined: 1/26/2008
Msg: 22
Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/11/2012 3:29:19 AM
smart girl... If he really wanted to meet and greet he would have met you in his area as you suggested. He was looking for a cab ride out .
 ForumsGee
Joined: 2/26/2009
Msg: 25
Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/11/2012 3:56:58 PM
You are right in setting your boundaries ..1st date and all....nerve to even suggest it!!.

I have been a sucker with past relationship where HE never drove anywhere so that he could drink and I could not.... nah, you meet at a public place ..etc.,
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 27
Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/11/2012 4:45:45 PM
He sounds like a wiener to me!.. lol.. its not that he has NO car.. its that supposedly his sister has it.. AND he expects OP to do ALL the work in the meet. (and in an unsafe manner)

And I bet.. if she was foolish enough to pick him up.. he would expect her to pay for the movies too!..

I mean.. come on.. haha
 gentleplus
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 28
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Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/11/2012 4:57:00 PM
Run Forrest, RUN
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 33
Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/18/2012 6:21:32 PM
Hell no, you are not wrong! His sister has his car? This is suspicious to me, either he doesn't have a car, or his license is suspended/revoked. It would be very easy to get the car from the sister for this date, if he had a car. Then he tries to change the plan, saying "he thought" THIS was the plan, uh, no. But nice try. If sure his version of the plan was never discussed, b/c you would have said no to that right away. OP, you are not this guys taxi. I wouldn't waste any more time with him, too many red flags & you haven't even met yet. I would be afraid for your safety if you got into a car w/him.

Edit to add: After I posted I went back to read the thread. OP, be very careful with this guy, & don't get into his car until you know him very well. The poster above me gave some very good safety tips that should be followed, & good luck, I hope things work out for you.
 wvwaterfall
Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 36
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Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/19/2012 8:28:27 PM
Good to hear the first meet went well after a shaky first attempt.

Before reading your follow up post I was going to say that the big red flag to me was that he didn't sound very concerned about you being comfortable with the logistics of your first meet.

I can't speak for other guys but I know my first concern is ALWAYS that whatever form our first meet takes we should both be comfortable. I'm not as concerned personally about who rides in whose car or how private or public the setting is, other than to make real sure that SHE'S comfortable with whatever plan we settle on. There's enough potential stress associated with a first meet as it is without adding any extra discomfort to the situation.

However your guy works out for you, I think it's great that you stuck to your guns and kept everything within your comfort zone. If a relationship develops, that's a good precedent to have already established.
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