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Show ALL Forums  > Off Topic  > Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?      Home login  
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 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 26
Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I agree with motown and U_make_it_entertaining.


Personally the idea of getting money from the death of my mom makes me sick inside. I know my younger sisters feel pretty much the same way.

If that's the case, then give your share to your older brother, who has no such qualms.

I'm sorry that this has had such a negative effect on your family. It sounds as though your dad is willing to take steps to ensure that your older brother IS taken care of just as much as any of the rest of you, but your brother is not satisfied by that. I think it's good that you stand up for your big bro on "getting his share" - but if that's not an issue any longer - then he is out of line.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 27
Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/12/2012 8:59:43 AM
If that's the case, then give your share to your older brother, who has no such qualms.
If doing that would solve the issue then I would gladly do it. God knows I wish it was that simple.



When one of them passes, the natural progression is for all belongings to be passed to the spouse.
By your brother asking for his fair share (financially?), that is out of line.
In all fairness to my older brother this only became an issue after something happened with my younger brother. About 9 months after my mom passed away I got a phone call from my older brother saying I needed to talk to my dad out of doing something really stupid with my younger brother. I called my dad only to find out my younger brother had talked him into buying a bread and breakfast business for my younger brother to run with his wife. Needless to say I put a stop to that before my father signed the papers. I also explained to my dad that he should not be making big decision like that without talking to all of us first and he agreed to this. But since then my older brother is convinced that my younger brother will eventually talk my dad into doing one of his business ventures without the rest of us knowing about it. Thus he now wants his part of my mom's assets before my younger brother can squanders it with one of his goofy ideas.




Bring in another party to mediate this for you all.
This could actually work and it's something I think I can talk my older brother into doing. But it would have to be a binding arbitration. Anything else and we would just come out of it in the same place we are now.

My niece called yesterday and said enough time has passed and that I needed to start communication again and try working our differences out. For the most part I seem to be getting the same advice here. That advice I think I will take. Not sure how this will work itself out eventually, but hopefully there is a resolution to be had in there someplace.




The easiest way to handle it is to make a will that assures that all the children get a equal split upon the death of your father.
My dad does have such a will actually. And the vast majority of assets does get split equally 5 ways. Which I think is fair and just. But that really does nothing to ease my older brothers fears after the stunt my younger brother pulled. which might go further to explain my unhappiness with my younger brother because it was his actions that set about this chain of events.

 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 28
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Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/12/2012 11:50:53 AM
My Moms family lives in California
Her aunt, was really, very rich
her family was dividing up her estate, 20 years before she died!!!
of course she knew this, and only left a couple of thousand to the relatives she liked
all the rest went to various charities!!!!
 frijolera_ninja
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 29
Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/12/2012 12:34:17 PM
First off your brother allienated himself from the family secondly and sadly you followed with your blackmail and ultimatums. How much more could you guys piss on your mothers grave? Your mother left everything to your father he I am assuming is living off of whatever it is. What a shitty way to live out your last years knowing your boys are all about money. He now knows how he failed as a father! Now is the time to talk to your dad hopefully he will have a will or advance directives if not your sisters can help him, or everyone can buy your brother out. lol he knows not to make either of you 2 the power of attorney youd prolly pull the plug 1st chance! Hopefully it gets resolved quickly and you can somehow repair the damage done with your siblings. Good luck to you!
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 30
Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/12/2012 1:09:36 PM

. I miss my father every day I would give any amount of money to have him back healthy.


My dad passed away 30 December. This thread is the first time I've even thought about what might be happening with his belongings. I'm assuming it is all passing to my stepmother. I will be very surprised if any of it comes my way.

Why should it? It's their money. It should now go to give her the best possible life she can have until her passing (which sadly will likely be within a year or two as she has cancer).

I can not imagine having a discussion with any family member about what I might get from my dad's estate, what my entitlements are and what will happen to the money after my stepmother dies. I just don't get this.

It seems like your older brother is the one that is creating the difference between himself and the rest of the siblings.

Interestingly, I have the same situation in my family. My younger sister is my half sister only. My older brother and I have always considered her to be a full sister though - that's how we were raised and it was never an issue for us. It has always been an issue for her though and she has used it to create such disharmony that my brother has now not spoken with her for 15 years and I haven't spoken to her for two years. All because she went out of her way to prove that we treated her differently because she had a different father. We didn't, but in the end she has alienated herself from us and thus achieved what she was always afraid of.
 gingerchick30
Joined: 11/5/2011
Msg: 31
Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/12/2012 2:11:26 PM
OP, like several people have said, as far as I know, your brother can't touch his part of the estate until your father passes. He will need some of the funds, so as far as I know there is nothing that any court will do until both spouses have passed. I think you DEFINITELY should try and patch things up with your father as I'm sure you don't want to have this situation be the last thing you speak to him about,should something happen to him.

Money and wills can CERTAINLY bring out the worst in some people. My grandpa died a few years ago, and my cousin was asking about his will the very DAY we buried him and she rifled through his things the day of the funeral and took what she wanted like it was a fun shopping spree. I told her that nothing would be done until my grandma passes because she needs the money for her own welfare and in the event she would be hospitalized or need some kind of care she would need any money they had for that. I think my cousin had seen one too many movies and TV shows where the relative dies and leaves tons of money to their granddaughter/daughter/son/grandson.
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 32
Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/12/2012 2:48:49 PM
How illogical.

It's your fathers money now and its none of your brothers business, ethically and legally.

Have dad create a living trust that goes to the 5 kids.

Anything else is simply bizarre and hateful because its breaking up the family.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 33
Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/12/2012 3:15:22 PM
People grieve and react to bereavements in different ways. Despite being brought up with his siblings your older brother clearly feels vulnerable with his only direct blood link to the family gone. Your younger brother's behaviour no doubt heightens his concerns that he may not be treated the same as the rest of his siblings should your father die with preferential treatment being given to your father's blood children.

This concern is probably what prompted your older brother to want his 'share' of the estate while your father is still alive. He may also have concerns that your younger brother could influence your father to change his will so that he received a larger share of the estate by having your older brother cut out.

As the only sibling with no direct blood tie to the family, it maybe that your older brother believes your younger sibling's behaviour is an indication that the loss of your mother could lead to further loss and is making a pre-emptive strike. If your older brother hasn't shared his concerns with your father this may be a starting point to finding a resolution. Along with your younger brother finding independent funding (a bank loan?) for his business ventures.

Without everyone sitting down together and discussing how your mother's death has affected them and the concerns they now have it just appears like your brothers want to get their respective shares of/dip into the estate regardless of how this may affect your father and their other siblings in the short and long term.
I think you pretty much hit the nail squarley on the head.

Here is the thing about our family. Over the years my younger brother has gone to my parents with these wild ideas and they have put money out to help in his ventures. But these ventures never work and no money ever gets paid back. Not that any of us really care for the most part.

About 5 years ago while my younger brother was still in the military he called me up to borrow a nice bit of money. So before agreeing to "lend" it I casually asked when did he think he would be able to pay it back... his response was." ***** You know the great thing about borrowing money from family, you never have to worry about paying it back?". We both laughed and I transferred the money he requested to him. I never bothered asking for it back because he is after all family.

My younger brother doesn't want my mom estate divided now mainly because that would mean he would actually be investing his own money in his wild ventures. But if he gets my dad to front him money and he loses it, he will only be investing 1/5 of that loss and the other 4 kids will be taking 4/5 of that loss with him.

I know that might sound weird to some people but that would be how it goes. It's always been that way in our family and doing it different would just be weird. If a family member need help we help without wanting anything back. If it's my parents that helped a child the other 4 kids don't keep tabs or worry about it getting paid back. Over the years it's been my younger brother who has gotten 90 percent of that kind of help from the rest of the family.

But my mom always knew how to reign him in. If she said no then he knew better than to press his luck. My dad on the other hand is a very soft touch when it comes to his kids and my younger brother do tent to take advantage of the situation at times. And it's that I think that's got my older brother concerned.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 34
Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/12/2012 3:48:03 PM
Sorry ... double post.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 35
Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/12/2012 3:49:50 PM
Well TDH ...

I think it is time for your younger brother to grow up and accept responsibility.

For your family to condone this behaviour is WRONG!

I can then understand why your older brother would be upset.

And ... for you to lend your younger brother money???

Do you want me to come over and boot you in the ass?

Come on!
Your dad is old.
He doesn't need this crap from his kids.

Fix it.

All of you, get some mediation going.
Find a method that your younger brother doesn't get ANY more funding from anyone within the family unit.



Off topic ...

xlmagboy ... You with your questions ... go find a place to polka.
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 36
Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/12/2012 5:09:31 PM
maybe I am misunderstanding this:
your older (half) brother wants some of the money that he feels he should have gotten from when your mom died?
and he wants it now?

and then...he wants the remainder to be split between the 5 of you?

i must not be getting it.
besides,..it is up to your father to decide who gets what. dividing it equally between children is a good idea imo. to avoid jealousies and hurt feelings.
but there are so many situations within families that this is a major issue.
(i think I will be involved in one myself but I pray not)

no matter what OP: I think it is important to be back in close contact with your father, he is old,..he needs to be with all of his children now more than ever.
and you need him too.
please try to work it out,...overlook the money part for your dads sake and get a professional mediator as soon as you can.

I have liked your posts very much and would hate to see you have bitterness between you and your dad at the end of his life. dont let that happen. dont let any regrets come up that you would have to live with forever. He is your only dad.
 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 37
Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/12/2012 5:44:53 PM
I think you're in a unique position to make peace here. You understand your older brother's side; you personally don't gain one way or the other. I don't think you're helping your older brother by letting your dad's calls go to voice mail. Tell your older brother that the pain you're causing isn't worth it. You'll advocate for him, but not at the cost of shutting out your family.
 OMG!WTF!
Joined: 12/3/2007
Msg: 38
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Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/12/2012 7:00:50 PM

In all fairness to my older brother this only became an issue after something happened with my younger brother


So just to recap, the original story was that the older brother was worried he wouldn't get his fair share because he was a half brother and he wanted his inheretance now as his only blood relative is gone. Marginal but slightly understandable.

Now however, the older brother wants his money simply because he doesn't trust his "half dad" who raised him or his little brother who might spend it all before he gets his share.

So you're supporting a sibling who, on one hand, is crying about not being a full blooded member of the family but on the other is not willing to stand with his other siblings as a full blooded member of the family come hell or high water. That's a pretty miserable indictment of your brother and I can't imagine why the hell anyone would support such blatant selfish irony. Big bro' would be off my xmas list tout de suite.
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 39
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Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/12/2012 8:20:02 PM
I think you are making a huge mistake.

You say he's 75. What if he died tomorow, with two of his sons not talking to him, and the family bickering over getting their fair share of his money?

What Dad should do, IMO, is have a will prepared with everything divided equally between the five of you, have it signed and sealed. Legally, your mother's estate reverts to him and it is his to do with as he wishes.

People need to put their greed away and treat the man with the love and respect he deserves for raising the older brother as his own for the rest of his years instead of emotionally blackmailing him after the death of his wife and ignoring him like petulant children because you can't have what you want when you want it. You should be supporting the man as he grieves the loss of his wife, not demanding that he fork over Mom's money because she's dead now, and then treating him like crap because he doesn't want to yet.

Frankly, I think you both should be ashamed of yourselves.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 40
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Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/12/2012 9:03:32 PM
I think your line early on in this post, that he's just a half brother shows how he was treated in your family and why he thinks he will be cut out.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 41
Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/13/2012 5:58:25 AM
I think your line early on in this post, that he's just a half brother shows how he was treated in your family and why he thinks he will be cut out.
Where exactly did I say my older brother was JUST a half brother? Please stop making things up.


I have 2 brothers and two sisters in my family. My older brother is only a half brother on my mothers side. My older brother was never adopted legally by my dad, honestly I guess he saw no reason for it and my brother was treated just like the rest of us growing up.
Here is what I wrote and obviously it was relevant to my story. In EVERY other post I wrote I called him my older brother to make my point nothing more. Nobody in my family view my older brother as a half brother we ALL just view him as our brother. There isn't ONE time while growing up that I can ever remember my dad introducing him to anybody that he wasn't introduces as "my son ***" so stop trying to make up imaginary stories.




I think you're in a unique position to make peace here. You understand your older brother's side; you personally don't gain one way or the other. I don't think you're helping your older brother by letting your dad's calls go to voice mail. Tell your older brother that the pain you're causing isn't worth it. You'll advocate for him, but not at the cost of shutting out your family.
I called my day yesterday and spoke to him for quite awhile catching up. neither one of us mentioned anything about the situation with my older brother we just talked about pretty much everything else.

After that conversation I called my younger brother and pretty much did the same thing. I am going to suggest the mediation thing that sweet polly made at some point when the topic comes up again. After I discuss it with my older brother and get him on board. I think the mediation should just be done between my dad and my older brother. As long as they both agree to it being binding then the rest of us kids will be perfectly ok with whatever results come out of that. We just want the damn thing settled one way or the other so we can move on. And this goes for my younger brother also once a final decision is made on the matter he too will just go along with it. It's the back and forth yapping by everybody with no decision being made that's causing all thing conflict.



I think there is something I need to clear up also. My older brother isn't concerned about my younger brother influencing my dad to change his will and drop my older brother out. I doubt very much if such a thing even crossed my older brothers mind because my younger brother would never do such a thing. But he is concerned about my younger brothers hair brained ideas that cost a lot of money to put in play. That I know is his only concern. If we could figure out a way to guarantee him that my dad will not be investing big sums of money into those then we would all be one big happy family again.

 OMG!WTF!
Joined: 12/3/2007
Msg: 42
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Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/13/2012 6:55:34 AM
He thinks that since my mom was his only true link to the family that he is entitled to a part of her estate because he isn't so sure about the future with him not being legally adopted by my dad and all.



But he is concerned about my younger brothers hair brained ideas that cost a lot of money to put in play. That I know is his only concern


Sorry, but the guy's a piece of work. Crying about how he's not adopted and his mommy's money should go to him because he's not part of the family. Then whining about being equally included as a part of the family when it's not convenient for him. Why would you support a guy who's willing to throw you and the rest of your family under the bus?
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 43
Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/13/2012 7:02:36 AM
Ask your dad to consider officially, legally adopting your brother. It is never too late for some things. Adults can be adopted.
This is actually brilliant and I think it would solve the problem. When my older brother called me about my younger brothers latest hair brained idea I asked him if he had told my dad not to do it? at which point he said no he thought it was a better idea if I or one of my sisters stopped it. When my mom was alive my older brother had no issues with voicing his opinions about things concerning the family. With the death of my mom I think he somehow lost his voice.

If it's possible for my dad to legally adopt him, he will once again feel he has a voice in what goes on in the family. MrsPolly your a genius. Thank you so much.

I am off to call my dad and older brother to tell them the salution to our problem. Hopefully it's legally doable and we can put this behind us and move forward.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 44
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Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/13/2012 7:12:38 AM
Talk to a notary, it might be possible to have each family member sign a statement agreeing that no matter what, your brother is entitled to a full sibling inheritance share. Sign it, get it witnessed by the notary, pass it on. If anyone doesn't sign it, then you'll know their agenda, and that a trip south may be necessary to makes sure his will reflects in legal terms the divide by 5 clause.
 moonwalkerman
Joined: 2/19/2008
Msg: 45
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Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/13/2012 8:05:27 AM
You know, I have seen a lot of nasty stuff, but your post tops them all. Even in nature, the vultures wait until their prey is dead before they pick the bones. How would you feel if your kids would start tearing themselves apart about YOUR money while you are still alive ? It is your father, for God's sake, and you all circle him like great white sharks while his heart is still beating. If I were him, I would move to Vegas and gamble everything away, so NONE of you would get ANYTHING. I have honestly only seen this kind of behavior on shows such as 'Dynasty', but it was not even close to what you are doing. What usually happens when people are like this, like you and your family, is that life pays you back. It is that simple.
 frijolera_ninja
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 46
Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/13/2012 8:18:10 AM
The adoption idea... that is soooo sweet! Thats worth more than money!
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 47
Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/13/2012 12:44:34 PM
I agree,....the adoption idea is very sweet..
indeed.
 OMG!WTF!
Joined: 12/3/2007
Msg: 48
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Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/13/2012 3:25:46 PM

with him not being legally adopted by my dad and all


I don't get the adoption idea at all. If you're in the will, you're in. I'm leaving 33% to the humane society and I don't have to adopt them to do it. If Dad does want him included equally with the rest, he can do that. If he doesn't, then even if he's adopted, he can still be excluded. It's a weird notion to assume that adopting equates to equal inheritance.
 RichenLosAngeles
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 49
Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/13/2012 3:26:44 PM
This post would make for a great movie. I hope some of my Hollywood writer friends are paying attention.
There are just a ton of family dynamics at play here, and I don't see "sweet" as relevant.
Perhaps if there were a family "peacemaker" a meeting could be held and these things discussed out in the open, but there's no guarantee that anyone would abide by those decisions, or be satisfied either.
I think if this was my family I would try to put together such a meeting. This calls for some real diplomacy and patience, and possibly some sacrifice as well.
OP, I've read a bunch of your stuff, I think you are a good and decent man - I wish you luck with this, there is no easy solution, but family is very important, it's worth the effort to bring your people together.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 50
Family issue weighting pretty heavy on my mind. how do I handle it?
Posted: 2/13/2012 6:41:32 PM

OP, I've read a bunch of your stuff, I think you are a good and decent man.

I agree with this 100%. I think your intentions are good but I'm not sure you have gone about things in the best way.

I really hope you can find a resolution as family is very important and life is much harder with those connections broken.
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