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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??      Home login  
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 SweetLR1
Joined: 4/21/2011
Msg: 19
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Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I agree unless it was a horrible divorce. We marry someone because we are strung to that person, ha. We married them because they were from us. It's sad that divorce exists, but it does. One out of two marriages ends this way.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 20
Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 2/14/2012 10:44:57 AM
One way of answering is asking: Is there no concept of friends BEFORE divorce? If people are true friends during a marriage, divorce is less likely. But too many people have other reasons and agendas for wanting to get married instead of wanting a true friendship. A lot of people treat marriage like a business transaction, which in part it is a business deal. But people go in with the attitude of : I'll give YOU this, this, and this, if you give ME this, this, and that. People take the "we" aspect out of the deal. If a couple were never true friends in a marriage, they're not going to be friends outside of a marriage.

I don't believe in the "falling out of love" nonsense. When someone says their marriage failed because one or both of them fell out of love, I interpret that to mean there never was true love and friendship in the first place. Living together for a while, then wanting to leave just proved it.
 CarKam1
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 21
Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 2/14/2012 10:58:26 AM

One way of answering is asking: Is there no concept of friends BEFORE divorce? If people are true friends during a marriage, divorce is less likely. But too many people have other reasons and agendas for wanting to get married instead of wanting a true friendship. A lot of people treat marriage like a business transaction, which in part it is a business deal. But people go in with the attitude of : I'll give YOU this, this, and this, if you give ME this, this, and that. People take the "we" aspect out of the deal. If a couple were never true friends in a marriage, they're not going to be friends outside of a marriage.

I don't believe in the "falling out of love" nonsense. When someone says their marriage failed because one or both of them fell out of love, I interpret that to mean there never was true love and friendship in the first place. Living together for a while, then wanting to leave just proved it.


When I met my ex-husband I was 18 and he was 11 years older. As I grew up and matured, things that were fine and normal to me at 18 were no longer fine and normal to me in my mid-twenties. Smoking up everyday was not my main goal in life, I wanted to travel and he didn't, I wanted to go out and do things with him and he preferred the TV. People change and it is possible to grow apart. He never really changed, it was me because I grew up. When we seperated it wasn't because he was a bad person or else I would have never dated him to begin with so why would I have ill feelings towards him? I can't fault him for not changing and he doesn't fault me for growing up. He has the utmost respect for me up to date and I am there for him when he needs me. We do not feel love towards each other but we respect each other. Shit happens, why is there a need to point the finger?
 BeeRad82
Joined: 1/27/2012
Msg: 22
Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 2/14/2012 11:38:15 AM
I get along well with my ex-wife.

I fail to see how/why love, hate, or indifference are somehow mutually exclusive to the "life", beginning and end, of a romantic relationship. How about acceptance? Practicality? Logic?

It hurts when someone you love no longer loves you, but the feeling you get when someone reciprocates your love is 100x greater than the hurt/anger. Choose to focus on that.

No regrets, as the saying goes, "at one point it was exactly what you wanted". Just accept that's no longer the truth, reality.
 Hopeneverdissapoints
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 23
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Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 2/14/2012 5:10:07 PM
A theology professor once taught me that the opposite of love is not hate... Hate and anger are perversions of love. The true opposite of love is indifference.

That's what I'm trying for with my ex-wife. Indifference. I don't want to hate her, I don't wish her any ill. In severing the lives that we had bound together, I no longer care one way or the other whether she is happy or sad.

Another way of thinking about this for me is this: I don't want her to be unhappy, if nothing else because I paid such a high price for her happiness. If she were to be miserable after our divorce it doesn't make me any happier.... In fact it would mean that the misery I paid for her happiness was utterly wasted.

But that is her choice. And if she wastes all that misery that she inflicted upon me in the name of her "happiness" I'm not going to lose any sleep over that either.
 abee_normal
Joined: 12/6/2011
Msg: 24
Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 2/14/2012 7:27:39 PM
I was married twice.

first marriage ended without kids, and last i saw of her, was her giving me the finger from the courthouse parking lot.. thought of her only when I heard her brother died of an overdose.

Second marriage, ended after 6 years and a son. Last night was my ex wifes birthday, and I was invited to go out with her and her friends at a local pizza joint at the request of my son. It has taken us a little over 2 years to put the venom aside and be friendly with each other. she is dating up a storm. I see one person at time. I dont share details, but she feels like sharing, and we both joke that its TMI.

If you are divorced with kids, and there wasnt abuse of some kind, it only benefits the kids to be on as friendly terms as possible.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 25
Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 2/15/2012 12:19:32 AM
I think it's natural. there are a lot of feelings and emotions behind it. In fact I worry about people that go through divorces and really act like nothing happened. In time you can be friends but don't look down on others that don't wish to be.

Doesn't make a person better or more mature to be friends with their ex. Maybe someone disrespected them, or cheated, or burned them.
 Hopeneverdissapoints
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 26
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Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 2/15/2012 9:22:51 AM
Ummm... I said that... Earlier on this page... (see Msg. 56)

But thanks for the compliment!
 venomac1
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 28
Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 2/16/2012 3:46:51 AM
"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. I sense much fear in you." ~Yoda
 Hopeneverdissapoints
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 29
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Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 2/16/2012 8:51:51 AM
Wtyl... I agree what you are saying is completely reasonable. I have tried to imagine what I would need to do if/when one of my sons faces a major emergency. And yes, I could see spending long hours in the same hospital waiting area with my ex and her family. (shudder!) He would need both his MOTHER and his FATHER there.

I think it was IgorFrankensteen (Msg 9) who rightly pointed out that "friendship" is a gradient and different people have different definitions. So too is the grief and pain that comes from divorce/separation. Time and how things happened have everything to do with how friendly you can be with your ex. At this point (2 years from the end of the marriage) I have no trouble "being friendly" with my ex; I do not scowl at her, try not to be short with her, etc. (FWIW, yesterday I picked up my youngest from school and had to stop by her office to get something. When we were leaving she said "I love you guys..." which almost provoked an angry retort upon my part, but I simply waved and walked out. I hope it was a slip of the tongue...)

As time goes on, I hope I come to greater and greater peace on the issue. Indifference does not mean "ignore." I don't want to ignore my ex, I simply want to get to a point where she doesn't affect me to the point of angering, hurting, or dominating my mood.
 venomac1
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 30
Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 2/16/2012 7:37:46 PM
"There's a difference between what manginas *SAY* in the hopes of gettin' in good with the ladies, and how men feel about this."

You definition of "Men" is sooo twisted and arrogant and self-centered it is amazing to be honest. You REALLY need to grow up. I personally have EVERY reason to hate my Ex, simple fact is were knew each other 6 years before our marriage and were best of friends then and we have both gotten past the hurt enough to be friends again, sometimes that wavers but we both suck it up for the kids and try not to say hurtful things which in turn helps us become closer friends. Will it ever be like it was before we got married, NEVER. But we do ask each others advice from time to time. And consult on the kids constantly. IF you care about your kids and want to teach them better than we have learned we must teach them to let go of hurt/anger/hate (indifference to another human is no different) or they are destined to walk the same path. Set an example for them to be better.
I would have NO PROBLEM with a girl I dated being friends with an Ex, as long as she wasn't "involved" with them, and to be honest that could happen be it Ex or stranger.
 venomac1
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 31
Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 2/16/2012 7:49:07 PM
Why would you "hang" on to an Ex? Do you "HANG" onto all your friends? They are just that afterwards, friends or not. I don't "hang" onto anyone in my life except my children, the others come and go like the wind, some stay a lifetime, others a day. I enjoy their friendship while they are in my life and let them go when they leave. Never mistake care for someone and love of a friend to be intimate, you women above ALL should understand that difference. In my opinion you can't turn off your ability to care for someone, friend or otherwise, if you ever TRUELY cared in the first place. To many people in this world confuse loving another person as a human being as intimacy. The ONLY thing that keeps people from being friends is bad feelings after something like a break-up. if you have children you don't have that luxury.

DISCLAIMER: Not all situations are the same, it depends on the maturity of the one hurt as to if you can let the pain go or not, sometimes it takes people a longgg time, others don't hold grudges and can move on easily.
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 32
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Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 2/17/2012 5:03:23 AM

I guess I've looked at men who get along with their ex wives as someone who has perhaps made peace with the past.

I look at it as a character defect in people who can't let go of their past and live in the present. If you want to work on a relationship with your ex, do it before the person is an ex so that you don't split up.


Abelian, this is silly. Since when is making peace with the past the same as not being able to let go of it? The OP said one thing and you twisted it. She's praising people who demonstrate the sort of spiritual maturity to accept what has been and live with it peacefully. And you call that a character defect? I don't get it.

I had a GF for a year who ****ed incessantly about the time I was required to spend with my ex-wife due to various obligations involving our two boys, ages 10 and 9. School plays, parent-teacher conferences, sporting events, birthdays, Christmas, you name it. And neither of us wants to miss any of these key parenting moments. There's none of this, "Ok you go to this event, and I'll go to that one" type of thing. We both want to be at all of them, so we both show up. We never do anything socially together; it's just about parenting.

Let me add that, since I don't live with the boys, I had plenty of time for my GF. We got together all the time. So she was WAY out of line to complain. She just couldn't seem to handle it. In her belief system, you HAD to hate your ex, or you were weird. "Why don't you just remarry the b**tch?" she would say.

Because of this fundamental difference in our outlook, I finally had to break up with her (among other reasons). I simply refused to feel guilty for doing the right thing--and doing it cheerfully. I pray my next SO is more grownup about these things.
 xlmagboy
Joined: 6/28/2010
Msg: 33
Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 2/17/2012 6:15:08 AM
All depends which family wins the children or kids. If innocense isn't involved who cares.
 Hopeneverdissapoints
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 34
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Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 2/17/2012 12:55:11 PM
LOL... Welcome to the internet on a slow day!

One trend that seems to happen on these threads is that things will go quiet and then...poof!... we spasmodically go around the circle again.

You're good... we're just going 'round the cycle again...
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 35
Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 2/17/2012 9:04:51 PM

I divorced my husband this past December and we decided to remain friends. I'm still living with him and sleeping in the same bed...


I'm waiting for the punch line. Is it coming soon?
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 36
Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 2/18/2012 10:17:49 AM
It depends on the circumstances...
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 37
Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 2/21/2012 7:24:19 PM

I divorced my husband this past December and we decided to remain friends. I'm still living with him and sleeping in the same bed...

I'm waiting for the punch line. Is it coming soon?



......he's DEAD! Been decomposing in the same bed for 6 months, we're still friends, he doesnt talk much...
How's that for a punchline
LOL


Funny. I thought somebody was going to say "We sleep in the same bed, along with his girlfriend and my boyfriend".
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 38
Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 2/22/2012 11:15:18 AM

Since when is making peace with the past the same as not being able to let go of it?


For myself, they are not at all the same thing.

Making peace...sending them off with all of your well wishes and hoping they find someone more suitable than you were...and telling them you forgive them. THAT is making peace.

Planning on shared vacations, meeting for drinks after work....that is the 'not letting go' part....to me.

You do not have to allocate your valuable, personal time to someone from your past in order to prove you have moved on.

You, actually moving on and forging new relationships, is the moving on part. Saying you have moved on, and still making plans to see your ex is contradictory to that.

There are not a lot of people who are willing to move on with folks who still allocate thier valuable time to exes. The action of allocating time is what most people object to.

Just because I can forgive someone for hurting me, doesnt mean I have to prove it by spending time with them afterwards. And personally, I avoid people who dont follow the same principle. They are too wrapped up in being seen as 'nice' to actually be who they really want to be...and thus, not my type of people. We only get 1 life-Im not wasting my valuable time proving to people I dont care much for, that I can be a bigger person and share a drinky-pooh with my ex. It doesnt prove anything other than I can share a drink with people I dont respect. That is not going to help me in the long run.
 Becinala
Joined: 6/9/2008
Msg: 39
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Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 2/22/2012 11:29:23 AM
I was married to my ex for 20 years and with him 22. I left him for a highschool sweetheart..Now I realize that what I did was wrong, but he was no saint and I will leave it at that..Well here it is 15 years later and we live 2 blocks apart.. He and I both date when we find someone to date us, and we see each other everyday. He is a good man and I would give anything if he would find a woman to love him, but mine and his ways jsut do not mix...I love to travel and love music...He wants to stay home and never go anywhere...we have 3 children and 9 grands . We can actually be at the same birthday party at the same time....I love him for being in my life, but I could never live with him again...
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 40
Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 3/8/2012 10:54:22 AM

Becinala (msg 112):
...we see each other everyday. He is a good man. We can actually be at the same birthday party at the same time....I love him for being in my life, but I could never live with him again.


For many-probably most guys, saying that you still love your ex and see him everyday is a red flag. Everybody is wondering if you still love him so much and love being with him, why can't you work out the differences that drove you two apart? If travel and music are the issues, why can't you travel on your own or with a friend or relative, and get an i-pod or mp3 player?

If you were to start dating someone else, start going steady and the guy isn't comfortable with you being so cozy with your "ex" (I use that term loosely), would you be willing to cut contact with your ex? If your answer is no, there's no need to be on a dating site or even contemplating having another man in your life.
 Hopeneverdissapoints
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 41
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Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 3/8/2012 12:27:14 PM

I love him for being in my life, but I could never live with him again...


My ex-wife tends to say things like this and I just don't get it... She'll say things like "Some part of me will always 'love' him... [me]" and all I can say is that sounds like a helluva lot of waste to me. She, like you, left me for an old high school flame.

After all the hurt, I can safely say that I...not even a small part of me...loves her. If we didn't have children together, I would be completely unmoved if she left the area and I never crossed paths with her again. And after it all, I have to say that part of the reason I don't love her and won't be "friends" with her is that I have finally seen the true person inside. The woman I loved never really existed. That's pretty much true for the woman I thought I knew before I fell in love.

What is it about certain people that they feel like they have to strike some sort of a noble pose? She didn't love me (or I believe whatever she calls "love" is nothing of the sort) and for my part I wish she would drop the pretense... But then again, she is quite a liar...even (especially???) to herself.

Not saying that you are a liar, Bec, but I just don't get the whole "I love him for..." thing. Whatever happened, love failed or died or whatever... Hence you got divorced. Why hang onto it?
 Sussieee
Joined: 2/28/2012
Msg: 42
Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 3/8/2012 2:23:28 PM
Everyone is different, but I am friends w/ one of my x's and would be friends with the first... if he wasn't such an ignorant, dumbass, sloth of a man lmao.
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