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 HeartOn64
Joined: 2/9/2012
Msg: 67
How can you know if someone is genuine? Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

I lost my control and sent a barrage of texts over the weekend. So I guess it just isn't meant to be.


Own that you thought if you had sex with him he would stick around and didn't!

If it was meant to be,you'll never know as you scared him off for good now.
Listen.I know how it feels to hope that IF you have sex with a man,he will magically want more than just sex.

Problem is,if they didn't want more from the start,having sex with them too soon gives them the excuse to bail."She probably does this on ALL her first dates!" Even if you don't.You are labeled as "too easy" and as much as some men want you to have sex with them,they also seem to want you to have "self respect" and say NO!
Oh...and they HATE when you try to hold them accountable for acting as though they wanted a relationship! That's why most of them run after the fact!

Not to mention,even without insecuritiy issues and depression,we tend to bond during and after sex as women and that's why we HAVE to be careful who we have sex with! Or toughen up when we take the risk and it doesnt' pan out!

See what comes up in therapy for you.BE 100% honest with yourself and learn how to not use your own body as a way to lure men into your life hoping they will be more!

If they are genuine...they will stick around and wait for sex until you feel as though they mean they want more with you!
 onceagain57
Joined: 11/25/2011
Msg: 68
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/20/2012 6:27:57 AM
Genuine!...theres the question of the century!....lol....and if you scare him off...write him off....dating is a crap shoot....sounds dumb but its the truth...enjoy dating .....the right one will sweep you....till then enjoy yourself!...
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 69
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/20/2012 6:43:01 AM

Based on your post, it sounds to me like you went overboard with the texting. You came on too strong, maybe started acting possessive, and scared him away. He wasn't ready for it and didn't know what to say, so he said nothing and avoided you.


Bingo!! My assessment as well.
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 70
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/20/2012 6:59:08 AM

How can you know if someone is genuine?


Read the label.
 HeartOn64
Joined: 2/9/2012
Msg: 71
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/20/2012 7:17:23 AM
'Genuinely 'what is the real question.

Someone can be a genuine a-hole who hits it and quits it after they tell you they want a relationship.
Or someone can be a genuinely decent person who isn't devoid of empathy,have entitlement issues and doesn't play you for sex.

The two can seem the same until the next day.

That goes for men or women and it doesn't matter if it's the first date or the 20th!

You don't know who you are dealing with until they show thier true colors.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 72
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/20/2012 7:51:10 AM

I lost my control and sent a barrage of texts over the weekend. So I guess it just isn't meant to be.


Until you control your impetus to speak before you think--or to think and speak anyway, no matter how much damage you to do yourself--you will always have this problem.

EVEN if the guy were genuine at the beginning, he very likely he reassessed the situation after the first onslaught of texts and now, the chance is gone. Maybe he wasn't genuine, but now, you will continue to wonder.

OP, work on yourself--learn to control you impulsive behavior, work on your self esteem, and sloooooooooooooooow down. You are leaving yourself wide open to those who are not genuine and you will scare away those who might be.
 name_me_Fjord
Joined: 2/6/2012
Msg: 73
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/20/2012 8:50:38 AM
Lets take a look at this from a different reference, say the game of poker, You have wagerred 100%. while holding a 3 as your card. You have the slimest of odds in this scenario of coming out ahead. Have you ever look at your strengths as a person, I can see determination as strong character of yours, good for you, with this character you need to be able to see the end coming before it gets to that point so that you do not get caught by the other characteristic's of whom you are. Sorry, just don't make that bet unless you are prepared to lose, a 1% chance of going in the rite direction are slim.
 name_me_Fjord
Joined: 2/6/2012
Msg: 76
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/20/2012 9:55:16 AM
Early in this thread it was mentioned of counseling, it sounds like you are getting along just fine. It is a daily issue the events we face and I am no exception to the rule but always I look at the end picture of my actions and where it will lead me. Case in point, a promotion will remove me from my normal day, so I will actively create a new normal.
 aylaausten
Joined: 8/6/2011
Msg: 77
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/20/2012 11:56:31 AM
The other guy who maintained contact but then had to decline probably didn't bother you as much because you didn't like him as much as this one that you're so upset about now. It was how you felt about him and not his behavior that was different.

Maybe it's not the fact that this one of the thread is ignoring you and doesn't just come out and say he has no interest anymore and "to leave him alone," but more that you just like him so much, more than any others for some reason. Is it really the fact that you're so physically attracted to him, or did you project some kind of fantasy onto him of where you thought this was going to go? If so, then you have to let that go, that idea of what you want this to be. It's not fair to you or to him.

You keep wondering if it's you that's causing this to go south and if you just tempered or changed your behavior then you could change the outcome. Either that or it's his fault for not doing what he's "supposed" to do according to YOUR standards and needs, and that in turn is causing you to act and feel like you do and keeps you strung along and waiting. Who knows? And it doesn't matter what the answer is or who is more wrong.

Sometimes people get into situations where they have a heck of a lot more invested in someone than you have in this situation now, and then the other one just gets up and doesn't want to do it anymore and never even provides an explanation. It happens. You can't make people tell you why and you can't make them behave the way you want and you can't blame them for your own actions. All you do know is that what you are doing is continually making this worse and worse and you are making yourself miserable in the process. You've already admitted this much. Who cares if he's at fault too? Let him work on that.

And please stop yourself every time you have a thought that no one else will want you if this one doesn't. That simply isn't true, and I think if you look deep down you'll realize that yourself.

If it helps, you already said in your first post that he admitted that you both wanted different things. That's pretty basic and gets to the heart of it. You should have walked away at that point and quit trying to force it because if two people aren't on the same page, it just ain't gonna work. Use that for the next time and get yourself out of this mess now. Work on building up your self esteem cause you're going to need it if you're going to continue to date.
 name_me_Fjord
Joined: 2/6/2012
Msg: 79
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/20/2012 2:00:56 PM
wow, well fineshed. Just allways reflect on those points, remember and make it okay to learn new adventures.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 80
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History
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/20/2012 2:17:27 PM
Until you sort out your insecurity issues it will always be hard work whether its needs to be or not

So just focus on the therapy first
 Mr_Celibate
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 81
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/20/2012 4:39:38 PM

I mean that sounds like a bit of a fantasy but it's meant to be fun not hard work right?

In many ways women are married to the state these days. You go and get a state license and later the state cancels that license for you in a divorce and divides up the property i.e. the woman gets the house, kids, and stipend. During the arrangement (marriage) if things start to break down a single call to the police will dispose of the man post haste.

So the state is your protector and benefactor whereas in the past a woman relied more on fathers, brothers and community.

Your situation is typical. A young woman, on her own, stumbling from one relationship to the next -- fun? You have all the legal and financial protection you need from Daddy Government, but here's the rub: fathers, brothers, community, may have been rendered obsolete for your civil needs but not for your emotional needs.

Choosing a man IS hard work. Step back and fall back, to where you came from, where we all came from. You might find the work easier and results more fruitful.
 HeartOn64
Joined: 2/9/2012
Msg: 82
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/21/2012 12:40:39 PM

But maybe it's not just me behaving badly?


I will validate that thought for you.It's NOT just you who is behaving badly in the aftermath of sex.I have felt "used" by men who I was given the impression by that they wanted more and they bailed on me once they got what they wanted all along.Believe me,there is nothing right about acting as though you want a relationship to get laid, anymore than it's smart to think that putting out too early is a way to lure them into a relationship!

The thing is,he's moot! He's gone and he showed his true colors no less than you did.You might consider working on some abandonment issues that come up for you when you think someone wants you for more than sex.

The only thing you have any control over is your reaction to someone.
What he does or what he lacks in terms of decency isn't your concern.
How you react to him is the only control you have in any of this.

If you can't handle being hit and quit,don't spread your legs the first night you go out with them as there is no WAY to know if they genuinely want a relationship with you until you get to know them much better!

It's easy to think they do,because why else would they want to have sex with us...right?

Some people ONLY want NSA sex and you don't always find that out until afterwards!

I am sorry he hurt your feelings and left you looking like a desparate fool.

It's happened to the best of us!

BTW....He used your reaction as an excuse to stop bothering to deal with you.
He's far from a decent guy for leaving you hanging!

I had a guy do that to me at the WORST possible time in my life...and guess what?
He contacted me a year later and apologized for being a DOUCHE!
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 84
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History
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/21/2012 1:00:38 PM
You know how you always know.

You take your time getting to know them. And over time you learn what their values are and whether their words consistently match their actions. You learn whether they care about other people, including you, or only about themselves.

It's the same procedure every time you meet somebody new.
 SweetMsJag
Joined: 2/10/2012
Msg: 85
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/21/2012 5:55:59 PM
Did you give up the goods on the 1st date? If so, he's not genuine and you sort of played yourself.
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 87
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/23/2012 7:02:28 PM
OP, it sounds like you scared him off, plain and simple. It doesn't sound to me like he was playing games, it sounds like you got too clingy too fast... that will kill anyone's chances.

You're not ready to date. You have issues that need to be dealt with first. After reading your post it's amazing how many people immediately jumped in with these assumptions about how HE was playing games when it was clearly YOUR behaviour that scared him away... at least judging by the way that post was written. Why, People??? Because he started backing off and disappeared??? Doesn't make him the bad guy. Read what she said about getting all weird and sending loads of text messages and attacking him when he came back and admitted he couldn't stop thinking about her.... And about being depressed with low self esteem and insecurity issues..

No offense OP, but you can't blame him for doing the disappearing act...
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 88
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/23/2012 7:19:47 PM
I think the question you should be asking is this:

"Would you date someone who IS genuine; genuinely cruel and difficult to deal with, and who you in no way understand?"

<img src=http://www.plentyoffish.com/smiles/icon_201.gif border=0>

My answer is no; and I would keep them at many arms lengths also
 Mikmik67
Joined: 1/10/2012
Msg: 89
view profile
History
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/23/2012 7:40:52 PM
It could be that he is playing you along with someone else. And he doesn't want to be out in the cold if one doesn't work out.
 Padawan61
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 90
view profile
History
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/23/2012 9:48:18 PM
They will come with a sticky label.

Much like when you buy Microsoft products, there's a "Windows Genuine Advantage" declaration.

In this case, look for the "Prince Charming Genuine Advantage" quality assurance sticker. That's your guarantee of a guy product manufactured to your specifications. Hope that helps, OP.
 AngelofHonesty
Joined: 1/4/2012
Msg: 92
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/24/2012 7:50:44 AM
Sorry but you are just Stupid! Come on the first rejection of him dumping you should have been enough. Hey it's tough enough compromising and trying to work things out with a LT boyfriend or a marriage where I can see you want to try everything to save the relationship, but REALLY someone you just met, F.CK that, NEXT. You deserve all the pain and agony this guy is giving you, because you are allowing it, and he knows it, so koodos to him I hope you are accustom to strings because he is definetly a PuppetMaster....
 HeartOn64
Joined: 2/9/2012
Msg: 93
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/24/2012 12:27:56 PM

Sorry but you are just Stupid! Come on the first rejection of him dumping you should have been enough. You deserve all the pain and agony this guy is giving you, because you are allowing it, and he knows it, so koodos to him I hope you are accustom to strings because he is definetly a PuppetMaster....


Talk about an insulting post.I got my priveledges revolked for 3 days for calling you what you called yourself! Hope someone takes notice of this BS!
 bobbitt123
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 94
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/24/2012 5:45:29 PM
Well first of all you need to be friends first . just meet for coffee or a lite lunch in a public place. To jump in the sack with him on the first date , what did you expect, you gave him what he wanted the first time around. He very well can,t have any respect for you when you put out first time at the bat. (baseball terms).You also need to have more respect for yourself, have some self control . I hope in the future you will take things slow and get to know him first, and start liking yourself.Good Luck.
 aylaausten
Joined: 8/6/2011
Msg: 95
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/25/2012 3:56:46 AM
You're not letting this go and moving on. You're not listening to the advice that people here are giving you, nor are you listening to your own better judgment. What happened to your idea of seeking counseling and working on your self esteem? They were good ideas that you should follow through with. You're still trying to figure this all out and trying to manipulate it into a specific result.

We have all been in situations where we've let our insecurities get the better of us. We've all been in situations where the other has seen sides of us that aren't particularly nice, where we haven't been on our best behavior. But make no mistake, those bad sides are a part of us just as much as what you call being what we're "really like." That IS what we're really like, too, either on a bad day or if we're just not ready to be dating yet.

It is no one's job to reassure you. That's your responsibility. When you're feeling secure and ready to date then you'll be able to do that for yourself. Of course you're smart, funny, and pretty, and one day someone you like will see that and adore you. Believe that. Who cares if he was mean or misjudged you, and who cares who or what he wants to date. He is showing you that he doesn't want to date you. That's all you need to know.

Maybe you did go about everything wrong. Or maybe it wasn't ever going to work out anyway, no matter what you did. You're going to have to learn to deal with not getting the answers to all of your questions. Even if he did contact you and wanted to see you again (for whatever reason), you would be so desperate for it to work out that you would react the same way again because you haven't taken the steps to help yourself.

It's not your fault, nor is it his. You haven't blown anything. I can see that you are clinging to hope here for this to work out, but I have to go with my last post that it's more about what you're projecting onto this and not even about the guy himself anymore. Let this go and do the work on yourself or you're just going to repeat the same thing over and over. If you don't at least learn something from all of this, then that would be a big mistake.
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 96
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/26/2012 3:34:09 PM
""So is there anyway I could ever have a chance with this guy? I feel like I went about everything completely wrong and wish I had the opportunity for him to see what I'm really like, when I'm enjoying my life and being happy in my skin. Or should I just give up? Have I really blown it with this guy?""

Providing he were to give you another chance, in all likelyhood the same thing would happen again. Another guy comes along, the same thing will happen again... and then again. You really need to get that you need to work on yourself before you can be successful in a relationship... it doesn't work to try to fool people that you're really o.k on the inside when you aren't... which seems to me to be your back-up plan... to lure him back and then try to play it cool the second time around while you are still insecure and depressed and with no work having been done to fix those problems.

Do the work. Address your issues, get healthy and don't be in too much of a hurry to have a relationship. You have plenty of time for that. You are very young and pretty, and when you start feeling good about yourself the guys will see that, and they'll be falling all over themselves to get to you. You won't have to chase after anybody... let alone this guy. Good luck to you.
 J_bird61
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 97
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/26/2012 7:50:40 PM
I loath texting.
My advice - stop.
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