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 CaptainAlbator
Joined: 8/26/2010
Msg: 26
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Are we sitting too comfortably ?Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

a guy can put the same amount of effort and one girl will say its not enough the other will say it was too much. it's entirely arbitrary and honestly? its not even usually the issue, its just a smokescreen


Isn't that the problem though?
 SpringsDiver
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 27
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/24/2012 7:47:12 PM

Import- And some have said, that for love they would give up all of the benefits single-dom offers but how do you take that leap of faith from comfortably single and possibly putting obstacles in your own path to keep you single, to deciding someone is worth the risk of ignoring the usual easy dismissal ?

You have let someone in before falling in love and clearly the path. How do you move out of your comfort-zone initially ?


I am really hoping some of the women will comment on these very important questions. I think many people find it difficult to let someone in. The walls are very high and well-built. There is often so much residual pain from previous experiences.

I would say use "baby steps". Just do what you are comfortable doing, but do something.
 mainelyhere
Joined: 11/21/2011
Msg: 28
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/24/2012 7:50:01 PM
captain, yes it IS the problem. any woman that comes onto these boards and even attempts to give a universal truth is either lying or delusional.

Heres the only real truth -when it comes to dating, men are right only so long as women allow them to think they are.
 CaptainAlbator
Joined: 8/26/2010
Msg: 29
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Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/24/2012 7:54:34 PM
Maine, and you ladies as well, at times like these I refer people to something that comic Tracy Smith once said;

http://comedians.jokes.com/tracy-smith/videos/tracy-smith---dating-regret

Offers a great perspective on what we as men are up against.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 30
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/24/2012 7:56:10 PM

... and women always say they want a man with a "sense of humor".

Yes they do. But it has to be something they actually can tell is humorous.
 mainelyhere
Joined: 11/21/2011
Msg: 31
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/24/2012 7:56:38 PM
haha the problem is a lot of the gals on POF stil seem to think their kleenex box has a few more sheets to go.
 CaptainAlbator
Joined: 8/26/2010
Msg: 32
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Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/24/2012 8:00:11 PM
Yes they do. But it has to be something they actually can tell is humorous.


Which is why there's so few female comedians, or at least funny ones! And let's be honest, Bill Gates is as funny as athletes foot. But you'd saw me in half for a date with old wild Bill Gates. Thirty six billion dollars will buy a lot of laughs.

BAZINGA!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 33
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/24/2012 8:10:20 PM

Which is why there's so few female comedians, or at least funny ones! And let's be honest, Bill Gates is as funny as athletes foot. But you'd saw me in half for a date with old wild Bill Gates. Thirty six billion dollars will buy a lot of laughs.

BAZINGA!

If you're looking for laughs, you should go where people are looking for someone to make them laugh - not rocket science. Know your audience.

OT - Unless you want to date someone enough to change what is keeping you from dating, there's no reason to change anything. If you're happy single it doesn't matter. It only matters if you want something different. Men telling you you're missing out is to make themselves feel better - some guys probably find it insulting that a woman might actually be OK with staying single. Makes the dating scene seem tougher....emphasis on "seem".
 mainelyhere
Joined: 11/21/2011
Msg: 34
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/25/2012 8:37:01 AM

It amuses me greatly, that "you've missed the boat" thing. Looks like women these days realise they have better options than settling and that pisses the crap out of guys who thought that after 30 the tide will turn for them and they will get to pick from all the single women suddenly desperate to be with just anybody.


Lol that sentence is laden with a lot of assumptions thats just not true. For the record I see quite a few ladies that are pissed too that they can't find a guy that meets their delusional standards.

The fact remains for BOTH sexes that as we age, our aesthetic value drops. Which is fine and natural. the problem arises when a person (i'll be magnanimous and say both genders) fails to admit to themselves that this is the case and still struts around like they were an 18 yr old hardbody.

Yes - wrinkles, fat, children from a previous relationship, debt, lack of energy and whatever; these are all negatives for a lot of people. at 32, i KNOW i don't look as slick as i did 10 years ago.
 SpringsDiver
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 35
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/25/2012 8:57:42 AM
Many of these posts make me think of my sister. Fifty-five years old, well educated and intelligent, financially set for life, and has never been married. She has told me she is "too set in her ways". She loves seeing all of her nieces and nephews and is a wonderful Aunt. She has no children of her own and prides herself for being independent.

Is she happy? At times, I think she is, but more often than not I think she is lonely. When our mother was still alive, most of my sister's vacations were spent with her. They traveled around much of the world together. She has not experienced the joy of having a child and watching that child develop over the years. She does not have someone to go home to and talk to or cry on his shoulders when she has had a bad day. She does not have one to regularly share the delights of intimacy.

Many of you might say "Well, she must be okay with all of that if she has not done anything to change it.". She has had boyfriends for short periods, but I feel she is simply not willing to share her life and give up the "freedoms" being single allow. So, she is alone for the most part. I can't see that being a good life. No, I don't believe someone should settle for whomever comes along, but when it is at a point where you never can see yourself being happy with someone else, it might be time to do some very intense self-reflection.
 CaptainAlbator
Joined: 8/26/2010
Msg: 36
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Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/25/2012 9:52:45 AM
Speak for yourself darlin


You're from the UK, so I must ask are you familiar with who Landry Fields is?



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZjzpi3nW7o
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 37
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/25/2012 9:53:24 AM

Yes - wrinkles, fat, children from a previous relationship, debt, lack of energy and whatever; these are all negatives for a lot of people. at 32, i KNOW i don't look as slick as i did 10 years ago.

Negatives if you think you HAVE to find someone and pair off. Negatives if you think you have to use a scorecard to date. If you don't, then who cares? We all age, we all go through stuff. So what?

Many of these posts make me think of my sister. Fifty-five years old, well educated and intelligent, financially set for life, and has never been married. She has told me she is "too set in her ways". She loves seeing all of her nieces and nephews and is a wonderful Aunt. She has no children of her own and prides herself for being independent.

Sounds like a good life to me.

Is she happy? At times, I think she is, but more often than not I think she is lonely. When our mother was still alive, most of my sister's vacations were spent with her. They traveled around much of the world together. She has not experienced the joy of having a child and watching that child develop over the years. She does not have someone to go home to and talk to or cry on his shoulders when she has had a bad day. She does not have one to regularly share the delights of intimacy.

All projection. All things you may not understand living without, but others don't prioritize and don't have to have. This is proof (if you allow the thinking process) that it takes all kinds. Everyone lives life differently. Don't wish your sister had something you'd miss if you didn't. She'd probably have said she was lonely or unhappy if she was.

Many of you might say "Well, she must be okay with all of that if she has not done anything to change it.". She has had boyfriends for short periods, but I feel she is simply not willing to share her life and give up the "freedoms" being single allow. So, she is alone for the most part. I can't see that being a good life. No, I don't believe someone should settle for whomever comes along, but when it is at a point where you never can see yourself being happy with someone else, it might be time to do some very intense self-reflection.

I do say that she's OK with it or she would have changed it, while there are drawbacks to EVERY path you take, unless they are so great that you're miserable, they are just part of the package - and that goes for people who have had kids and gotten married as well, they aren't always doing cartwheels either. Just because you can't see that as being a good life doesn't make it so. Total projection.

Oh, she does. Not all of the time, but often enough over the years to give an indication she is not truly happy.

I'll reread your post, but I don't think you ever mentioned what she actually said. And truthfully we all sometimes sit and wonder if we would have been happier doing something else - it's a human thing to do. But if over time it doesn't add up to us thinking we went terribly wrong, then we're usually OK with the "sometimes wonder".
 SpringsDiver
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 38
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/25/2012 9:58:37 AM
She'd probably have said she was lonely or unhappy if she was.


Oh, she does. Not all of the time, but often enough over the years to give an indication she is not truly happy.
 mainelyhere
Joined: 11/21/2011
Msg: 39
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/25/2012 10:50:40 AM
No there are always choices, but as time goes on, you have LESS choices, and many of those choices are not as desirable as you;d prefer.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 40
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/25/2012 10:57:27 AM

No there are always choices, but as time goes on, you have LESS choices, and many of those choices are not as desirable as you;d prefer.

If there are no desirable choices then single is better. What's the confusion here?
 mainelyhere
Joined: 11/21/2011
Msg: 41
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/25/2012 11:14:41 AM
Reading comprehension 101-

I didnt say NO desirable choices i said less.

I feel like some people try toooo hard to convince others (and more so themselves) that they like being single.

I just wish these people had no kids so their genes could be wiped from the genepool
 Infinity_G
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 42
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/26/2012 8:03:16 AM

That seems to be a recurring theme in women's profiles, and there is not much that makes me want to click off of it more than reading something like this. Many women are very successful in other aspects of their lives. Although I like confident, intelligent, and accomplished women, I also would like to find a woman that truly likes the thought of sharing life with a man.


I am thinking women can simply and easily lack the desire to have a man in her life, more so than a man. Men , still to this day, desire women in the form of companionship.

The drive in men is still there, with women, it has dropped off with a lot lately. In the olden days, in some kind WWII dance hall, women would actually be EAGER when bachelor soldiers entered the room, some would make sure to primp up or put on an extra dash of powder to make sure they are presentable for the men who enter the area. Women of the 50's and earlier eras were sometimes about to pop when they'd see just men in general enter the facility.

(I wonder if that explains why during the era of "The Beatles" you'd see women screamin' their bloody heads off to the point of passing out? LOL..but that's another topic)

Now, women are like "Meh....we can go out I guess, where do ya wanna take me?"

The drive and enthusiasm is simply not there anymore with most women, where as with men....it has remained pretty much constant.
 Infinity_G
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 43
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/26/2012 8:12:02 AM
It amuses me greatly, that "you've missed the boat" thing. Looks like women these days realise they have better options than settling and that pisses the crap out of guys who thought that after 30 the tide will turn for them and they will get to pick from all the single women suddenly desperate to be with just anybody.


If you do a Google search parameter on "Is it okay to settle for mr good enough"? Something like that, about the "Fine line between settling and compromising", you'll find some interesting videos and articles through the Today Show. It was pointed at single women these days, and how they're so fixated on what doesn't matter in seeking a mate, and not really focusing on what DOES matter when finding someone.

Even though author, she was in that phase where she didn't care to date a guy simply because his name was a turn off.

Then she realized how silly she had been, and came to terms on what mattered most.


 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 44
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/26/2012 8:34:43 AM
Many men and women know what matters most, finding someone with similar ideas of what matters most is difficult.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 45
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/26/2012 8:47:13 AM

Reading comprehension 101-

Context comprehension 101.

I didnt say NO desirable choices i said less.

I know what you said. I don't see how "just about none" and "none" make any difference here.
Perhaps I should have said "EVEN" if there are none, it's not that big a deal UNLESS you feel that life isn't complete when you're not part of a pair.

I feel like some people try toooo hard to convince others (and more so themselves) that they like being single.

Same thought I had about people posting "hey, you better grab something while you still can".

I just wish these people had no kids so their genes could be wiped from the genepool.

So the thought that someone would rather be single if there's nothing around than force dating with someone they aren't that thrilled with is so horrifying to you as one of the "pair up or die" team that you fear their offspring might do the same and therefore should be prevented? Sure, sounds totally normal.

Bottom line in dating is if you find someone attractive and it's not mutual, you move on. If they do, you see where it goes. All the other radio, level of beauty, statistical stuff is trying to make sense of it all. But in the end it's about two people both wanting to know each other at the same time. That's it.

I am open to it, but I refuse to go on an endless search for it, and put other things aside to search, and frustrate myself by watching the clock and keeping track of how long it's not working. Ick. Chasing stuff promotes stuff running from you. I will be with someone when someone of interest crosses my path and I want to know more. I will not hunt down a relationship like it's prey. To me it should be something that happens naturally. If it doesn't happen naturally for me and I'm not particularly interested in anyone I meet in my travels, then that's how it turns out. It'll be nice if it happens to add to my life, but it won't cripple my life if it doesn't. Sorry.

And no worries, I never wanted kids either, so you can go ahead and sleep through the night.
 CaptainAlbator
Joined: 8/26/2010
Msg: 46
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Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/26/2012 9:05:58 AM

I am thinking women can simply and easily lack the desire to have a man in her life, more so than a man. Men , still to this day, desire women in the form of companionship.

The drive in men is still there, with women, it has dropped off with a lot lately. In the olden days, in some kind WWII dance hall, women would actually be EAGER when bachelor soldiers entered the room, some would make sure to primp up or put on an extra dash of powder to make sure they are presentable for the men who enter the area. Women of the 50's and earlier eras were sometimes about to pop when they'd see just men in general enter the facility.

(I wonder if that explains why during the era of "The Beatles" you'd see women screamin' their bloody heads off to the point of passing out? LOL..but that's another topic)

Now, women are like "Meh....we can go out I guess, where do ya wanna take me?"

The drive and enthusiasm is simply not there anymore with most women, where as with men....it has remained pretty much constant.


Another thing that I've often pondered upon, is that how many women these days would find the personality traits of men of the past "boring"? There's always that tendency of the current generation to reject the values of the previous one.
 Infinity_G
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 47
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/26/2012 9:11:08 AM

Another thing that I've often pondered upon, is that how many women these days would find the personality traits of men of the past "boring"? There's always that tendency of the current generation to reject the values of the previous one.


Good point.

In my parents era....the 60's, where people either stayed conservative, or decided to live the Woodstock lifestyle, I'm the result of my parents having live the straight and narrow. So those old-fashioned values stuck.
 SpringsDiver
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 48
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/26/2012 11:52:57 AM

WIP - All things you may not understand living without, but others don't prioritize and don't have to have. This is proof (if you allow the thinking process) that it takes all kinds. Everyone lives life differently.


I completely agree that others have different priorities. Many couples and singles are happy not having children. What I was trying to address with my post is that even though at first glance it might appear my sister leads a wonderful life, I don't believe she is happy and that is due in large part to not wanting to give up her independence and learn to share with a spouse/partner.

These beliefs are based on what she has said over the years and some experiences she has shared with me. At this stage of her life, I would be very surprised if she could be happy in a long-term relationship either, unfortunately. One never knows, though.

As to the OP, certainly some people can be happy being single. My feeling is they are not likely to be happy for more than five years or so. I do understand your point that being married/having a partner in no way ensure happiness, either. It comes down to balancing your desires at any particular time.
 mainelyhere
Joined: 11/21/2011
Msg: 49
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/26/2012 4:46:24 PM

But guess what women can have babies till their late 40s most times.
So sorry for all the men here who feel betrayed and bitter by this. Have a life!

You know its funny how someone can almost have a good point until they stupid it up and make it about men only.

For the record who wants to be almost 70 when their kid graduates highschool? youll die way too early in their lives. that's sad and selfish.
 mainelyhere
Joined: 11/21/2011
Msg: 50
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/26/2012 4:48:01 PM

Now, women are like "Meh....we can go out I guess, where do ya wanna take me?"

The drive and enthusiasm is simply not there anymore with most women, where as with men....it has remained pretty much constant.
lol i think its just you my man.

I still see woman quite eager to be in a relationship.
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