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Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > Are we sitting too comfortably ?      Home login  
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 PhoenixTor
Joined: 2/24/2012
Msg: 51
Are we sitting too comfortably ?Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Well, many Western men have no choice because their single counterpart just doesn't exist in the US, Canada, or any "Anglo" nation. This is not my opinion go check out the US or Canada Census. In aggregate in the US there are 85 unmarried women per 100 men. If you just narrow down to the 20s/30s age range that goes as low as 75 women per 100 men--Canada is not as bad but not much better. Millions of men with no options through no fault of their own is nothing to sneeze at. This makes dating sites like this the equivalent of a barrel with a dozen fish and 30 guys with their bait set.

It irks me that men who contribute to this discussion might think they're coming from the same viewpoint and experience as women. Women who are able to sit back comfortably in their chair as their inboxes get flooded and have the luxury to contemplate that maybe they're just too comfortable being single.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 52
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/28/2012 11:27:50 AM
Women who are able to sit back comfortably in their chair as their inboxes get flooded and have the luxury to contemplate that maybe they're just too comfortable being single.


I think this is one of the biggest misconceptions here on POF. Yes, we routinely get messages but that does not make them quality messages. I get a high volume of people who are 20 years younger, 20+ years older or many 100's of miles away. So we might well get the replies but I don't believe anyone under the age of 30 is 'sitting back comfortably'.

In some ways, the spamming as I view it, has hurt us all. I am certainly more wary about the messages I receive and tend to second guess the true intent behind the contact.

Divorce hurts us all financially. It affects our credit rating, our retirement funds, our disposable income. With co-habitation laws as they are, we all have to consider the effects of a second failed relationship. Being comfortable with single-dom does mean that I find it easier not to take the chance. I don't need someone else day to day and I am aware that making a poor choice again, could be disastrous. Having dependent children who have no one on this continent but me, does make me less inclined to take a risk.

It would have to be someone darn special from the offset to drag me out of my comfort zone and that is nothing to do with having plenty of people willing to do so and everything to do with finding a person who has my core values and beliefs otherwise it's one heck of a risk and more then just my well being on the line.
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 53
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Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/28/2012 11:49:54 AM
For me, I wouldn't call it a comfort zone, and I really wouldn't even think of it as a routine. It's more of priorities and desires for where I am in my life right now and where I am going. Frankly, I don't want to "date".

I discovered this three years ago when I bought a house that needed fixing up. I didn't want to be spending my weekends getting all dolled up and going out for dinners or movies or dancing or hiking and biking or any of those other wonderful things that you have to do when you "date". I wanted to be in the home I worked so hard to finally buy on my own, making it my own. And I especially didn't want to go to someone else's home and help him fix his up. Now I'm renting that place out and have returned to another state to be near my family again, and dating prospects are slim anyway, but I'm okay with that. My goal, after I get settled in the job, is to buy another home and fix that one up to be "grandma's house". So, I spend most of my time alone.

Unfortunately, I would like companionship and even romance. But I guess I just don't want to "date" them to get to that point, lol. So, maybe I am in a comfort zone. But I'm content there, for now.
 Cyandigo
Joined: 1/11/2012
Msg: 54
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/29/2012 6:17:08 PM
I do not think so. I don't get a lot of messages on POF, but I have nevertheless deleted my share. The majority of those were due to a lack of physical attraction; some were because our profiles were so radically different that it was hard to imagine why they message in the first place. However, I do not think that demonstrates a lack of commitment to finding a relationship. It does demonstrate that physical attraction (and the sexual behavior related to it) are still important.

There is nothing wrong about looking for a companion. Finding one is undoubtedly easier if you discount physicality. However, while your grandparents generation may have done so, I think you are discounting two important points. The first is that they did not do it as much in their 20's and 30's. Secondly, there was a much greater pressure to marry in their generation. Chemistry probably often took a back seat to that influence. I have some experience with a culture that embraces arranged marriages. It is not uncommon for one or both of those partners to be physically unattracted to their mates. They marry anyway.

To answer your final question, I would say "no."
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 55
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/29/2012 6:24:22 PM

Women who are able to sit back comfortably in their chair as their inboxes get flooded and have the luxury to contemplate that maybe they're just too comfortable being single.

I'm sure it would seem like a luxury to anyone who thinks being single is a death sentence. Some of us will date if and when we ever cross paths with someone who we like, who likes us back, and who we want to know better. Dating until I puke so I meet my quota for the sake of men who may get less attention than me isn't my idea of fun.

I'll agree with import. Messages from a lot of "just anyone" aren't really valid options. They are just spam, really. I don't care how empty or full my inbox is - if the choices aren't there they aren't there. I don't care how many men hit on me offline or how few notice me offline, nothing, or nothing good - same difference.

Hunting partnership down like it's prey doesn't appeal to all of us. A lot of men would agree with me.
 dannynightman
Joined: 2/20/2012
Msg: 56
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/29/2012 7:08:26 PM
i do agree with you almost the story of life but every story has an auther and when we get to meet someone and actually love someone it does make it worth it we are born alone and die alone at least while we are here its good to have help along the way dont you think becayse when you love someone you care for them and learn to work toghether its when you stop caring for each other things fall apart but if it is meant to be it will be i believe that anyways good or bad
 dannynightman
Joined: 2/20/2012
Msg: 57
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/29/2012 7:17:59 PM
i find that was cute and halarious at the same time in a good way good way of putting it buty the femals now are just as bad
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 58
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Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/29/2012 7:30:46 PM
[It would have to be someone darn special from the offset to drag me out of my comfort zone and that is nothing to do with having plenty of people willing to do so and everything to do with finding a person who has my core values and beliefs otherwise it's one heck of a risk and more then just my well being on the line.]

Well said, stick to it...then get out of your comfort zone !

Scary I know.
 dannynightman
Joined: 2/20/2012
Msg: 59
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/29/2012 7:34:56 PM
well first of all you cant only think with your head but your heart as well when you feel the same way other wise if you think only with your head you might miss it and also i guess it has to do with trial and error but your right you never really know until you try used you might get screwed now and then nothings perfect or garenteed but when it works it works nothing easy is worth while but nothing too hard is worth while eathier and i am not talkig if you use the wrong toothbrush but when you get to that point thats not love thats comfortable there is a difference if you respect each other equallyafter a all a man buids a shelter but a women makes it strong inside
 dannynightman
Joined: 2/20/2012
Msg: 60
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/29/2012 7:41:25 PM
well if someone has to drag you out thats probably,thats not the one but if you want to go willingly with pleasure thats the one
 kassi99
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 61
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Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/29/2012 7:57:19 PM
My best friend and I were discussing this the other day. Both of us are successful and have been single for a while after long marriages. The fact is we have our children for unconditional love, God for absolution, great jobs for support and intellectual stimulation, a great group of friends for companionship and, not to be crass but physical release can be obtained via a B.O.B.
It is no longer a matter of thinking we "need" someone. It is a matter of finding someone who compliments our lives instead of complicates them. Finding someone who adds something great and makes us want them.
And yes, I suppose it does make us more picky and more comfortable in our "aloneness" but in a way, I think it makes for a better relationship when we are secure in ourselves and find someone like that because we both have so much more to offer each other when both parties are at that stage in life where they are comfortable, successful and secure and still choose to be with someone special.
If both parties feel that way then perhaps, we are more willing to treat each other well over the long term instead of become complacent and take each other for granted once we do find someone who makes us willing to give up that singleness comfort of just me to become a we with someone else.
 SpringsDiver
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 62
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/29/2012 8:01:50 PM

Kassi-It is a matter of finding someone who complements our lives instead of complicates them. Finding someone who adds something great and makes us want them.


I agree 100%
 dannynightman
Joined: 2/20/2012
Msg: 63
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/29/2012 8:20:31 PM
that i agree with we make things harder than what they are
 dannynightman
Joined: 2/20/2012
Msg: 64
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/29/2012 8:26:57 PM
its not about who gives less or more it depends on the foundation that you build a good foundation you stop counting that doing and want to please eachother instead of destroing each other your not with someone because you have to be but you want to be
 dannynightman
Joined: 2/20/2012
Msg: 65
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/29/2012 8:32:25 PM
so bsically your happy to be byyourself and you dont need someone to be happy and thats the way it should be so when you do meet someone and go with them the only reason is because you want to not because of any other reason thats what its supposed to be i am old fashioned i guess i really am
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 66
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Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 2/29/2012 9:26:02 PM
didn't read the whole thread, so sorry if this has been covered. but i'd be very wary of drawing broad conclusions from the sample that the forums offer.

most people who are equipped and motivated to be part of a couple use the site for the purpose it was intended and get the hell out. the ones who stay behind include the emotional and attitudinal cripples who are simply undateable, b|tching about the futility of love because the guy scratched his nose wrong at the first meet, or the woman wouldn't reply to a first-message demand for a blowjob.

and no, i'm not saying that's everyone here. but more than enough to skew the 'findings.' imo.
 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 67
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/1/2012 11:18:33 PM
I too got very comfortale in my skin. I seems that i would like to meet someone but when it comes down to it I dont do much about it. Used to send an email once a month on avg but didnt do that for more then a few months now. Reading the profiles alot of time i get the feeling it would be too much of a job to keep someone happy. As there are alot of wants and demands i notice in there. Here im all nice and comfy life is going good. things fall in line and It's getting better all the time, Don't want to rock the boat.
Its hard to find someone that you actualy want to be with and they want to be with you. I remember reading somewhere that the over 40 single group is getting bigger. and for the over 50 is even more noticeble. I guess that means its the new normal soon. They also mentioned that being single is more common for the higher edu folks.
 WanderingRain
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 68
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Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/2/2012 9:08:53 AM
I made a mistake in my last relationship that way.
I now know it's more because I felt I needed to have a relationship to complete my life. It was fun, but in the end, fruitless.

Now I know that looking for others to validate your own self worth and happiness is never the answer.
 CinnamonGirl769
Joined: 2/21/2012
Msg: 69
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 12:50:56 AM
I am afraid of that question becoming a reality for me...

I am already starting to enjoy my time with my cats waaay too much..

I am already starting to enjoy my alone time and am choosing to stay in rather than go out more often than not..

I am starting to fear sharing of my life in all its many facets only to find out they have a problem with the sharing aspect because they are set in their ways. And yet I fear the longer I remain single, the more set in my ways I will become.

I do aspire to be sitting comfortably with someone by my side in my old age though...



Carpe Diem
 CinnamonGirl769
Joined: 2/21/2012
Msg: 70
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 1:24:23 AM
songandstory: I admire your succinct honesty! Yet, when I read your profile, I did not get a sense at all of that selfishness, not looking, lack of compromise, control of your emotions etc..you wrote here in this forum...?

I have dated someone just like you who came across in their profile as truly desirous of someone to share their life with. He presented himself as ready for the changes and compromises that are needed it would take to do so. But then found out, they were exactly like what you wrote above and really not ready to make those necessary changes.

The sabotage aspect become the reality and by the end of our journey, there was nothing that could be said or done. It was obvious that any changes or compromises I was willing to make were never going to be reciprocated by the changes or compromises he could have made as well. Even though there were several positives going for us in that potential relationship.

I do understand that I was just probably not the one for him, but the words you wrote above resonate very much with my perspective on what I experienced with him.

btw: I had to look twice at your age...very dapper young looking man you are!


Carpe Diem!
 SpringsDiver
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 71
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 7:46:29 AM
After reading all of these replies, staying single for an extended period is beginning to look better and better. I'm optimic, though. I might still find a woman who shares the view mentioned in my original response that life is meant to be shared.
 CinnamonGirl769
Joined: 2/21/2012
Msg: 72
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 9:33:17 AM
songandstory:

I am of Irish descent too! Good to know these genes will serve me well as I age. With Healthy Mind, Body and Spirit maintained as well of course..;)


Simple truths can knaw away at us (doubts mixed in with the most ferocious of defiances) without ever becoming clear - until they do.


So true as I realize truths about me that I find pop up at the most inconvenient of times..;)

As for the quote thing, I was perplexed as well when reading the little explanation above the emoticons. I then realized you have to actually write out the word
exactly as it is written right before and after the question you want to quote..

Hope that helps!


Carpe Diem
 CinnamonGirl769
Joined: 2/21/2012
Msg: 73
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 9:35:28 AM
Hmmm I wrote out the quote word with the little [ ] and [ / ] and I see an empty box come up..

I think you get the picture though..;)


Carpe Diem!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 74
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 10:09:25 AM

After reading all of these replies, staying single for an extended period is beginning to look better and better.

And this is bad?
 SpringsDiver
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 75
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 10:42:07 AM


After reading all of these replies, staying single for an extended period is beginning to look better and better.


WIM - And this is bad?


The way I feel now, is that I would much rather be in a relationship with someone with whom I could envision growing old with. That is IF I find the woman that does it for me, and she feels the same about me . Obviously, being single is not bad for everyone. Maybe I will grow to love it. I'll have to get back to you on that in a few years
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