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 WanderingRain
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 68
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Are we sitting too comfortably ?Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I made a mistake in my last relationship that way.
I now know it's more because I felt I needed to have a relationship to complete my life. It was fun, but in the end, fruitless.

Now I know that looking for others to validate your own self worth and happiness is never the answer.
 CinnamonGirl769
Joined: 2/21/2012
Msg: 69
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 12:50:56 AM
I am afraid of that question becoming a reality for me...

I am already starting to enjoy my time with my cats waaay too much..

I am already starting to enjoy my alone time and am choosing to stay in rather than go out more often than not..

I am starting to fear sharing of my life in all its many facets only to find out they have a problem with the sharing aspect because they are set in their ways. And yet I fear the longer I remain single, the more set in my ways I will become.

I do aspire to be sitting comfortably with someone by my side in my old age though...



Carpe Diem
 CinnamonGirl769
Joined: 2/21/2012
Msg: 70
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 1:24:23 AM
songandstory: I admire your succinct honesty! Yet, when I read your profile, I did not get a sense at all of that selfishness, not looking, lack of compromise, control of your emotions etc..you wrote here in this forum...?

I have dated someone just like you who came across in their profile as truly desirous of someone to share their life with. He presented himself as ready for the changes and compromises that are needed it would take to do so. But then found out, they were exactly like what you wrote above and really not ready to make those necessary changes.

The sabotage aspect become the reality and by the end of our journey, there was nothing that could be said or done. It was obvious that any changes or compromises I was willing to make were never going to be reciprocated by the changes or compromises he could have made as well. Even though there were several positives going for us in that potential relationship.

I do understand that I was just probably not the one for him, but the words you wrote above resonate very much with my perspective on what I experienced with him.

btw: I had to look twice at your age...very dapper young looking man you are!


Carpe Diem!
 SpringsDiver
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 71
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 7:46:29 AM
After reading all of these replies, staying single for an extended period is beginning to look better and better. I'm optimic, though. I might still find a woman who shares the view mentioned in my original response that life is meant to be shared.
 CinnamonGirl769
Joined: 2/21/2012
Msg: 72
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 9:33:17 AM
songandstory:

I am of Irish descent too! Good to know these genes will serve me well as I age. With Healthy Mind, Body and Spirit maintained as well of course..;)


Simple truths can knaw away at us (doubts mixed in with the most ferocious of defiances) without ever becoming clear - until they do.


So true as I realize truths about me that I find pop up at the most inconvenient of times..;)

As for the quote thing, I was perplexed as well when reading the little explanation above the emoticons. I then realized you have to actually write out the word
exactly as it is written right before and after the question you want to quote..

Hope that helps!


Carpe Diem
 CinnamonGirl769
Joined: 2/21/2012
Msg: 73
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 9:35:28 AM
Hmmm I wrote out the quote word with the little [ ] and [ / ] and I see an empty box come up..

I think you get the picture though..;)


Carpe Diem!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 74
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 10:09:25 AM

After reading all of these replies, staying single for an extended period is beginning to look better and better.

And this is bad?
 SpringsDiver
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 75
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 10:42:07 AM


After reading all of these replies, staying single for an extended period is beginning to look better and better.


WIM - And this is bad?


The way I feel now, is that I would much rather be in a relationship with someone with whom I could envision growing old with. That is IF I find the woman that does it for me, and she feels the same about me . Obviously, being single is not bad for everyone. Maybe I will grow to love it. I'll have to get back to you on that in a few years
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 76
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 11:26:48 AM
As I continue to follow this thread and read the views of other people, I think my comfort level is based on my past relationships.

I do understand that in the past, I have chosen those who give less of themselves then I do and who ultimately, take from my life rather then add to it. I have known for sometime that I have usually ended up trying to put in the effort of two when things haven't gone well, and that I know resolves nothing.

Much of my comfort at being single arises from knowing in the past I have not chosen wisely. I have historically not focused on finding someone with core values with whom I can work with to achieve common goals. Rather, we have been two individual who lived in the same house but were each running on our own agendas.

I am also fully aware that I have always been someone who has treasured her own space. I am not an inter-dependent type and feel suffocated and trapped by those who are - yet I'm strangely drawn to the highly affectionate side of those individuals.

Perhaps much of my comfort level is based on the fact I have made poor choices and in staying single, I am able to avoid testing the self-knowledge I have gained regarding what I need in a relationship and partner. Despite undertaking the self-analysis after the end of my marriage and owning my part in it's demise, perhaps I'm simply too afraid to rock-the-boat and test what I have learned. Having minor children in the house is certainly a convenient shield to wear in terms of protecting their home environment from disruption and justifying, at least to myself, why the risk of a new relationship is too great a chance to take.

I know I am a loving and giving person and with the right person, I know a relationship would be full-filling for us both - but taking the step off the edge to confirm that, is still a big step.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 77
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 1:17:58 PM

If I could say it a little less long-winded - when past relationships are remembered as more negative than positive, then their absence, banishment...becomes more positive, less negative.


And therein lies what I consider to be my biggest conflict.

My last relations WAS many more times more negative then positive. Don't get me wrong, I own my part in it. My marriage lasted for 11 years. It really should have ended at 3. Situations were such that I didn't just feel trapped - I was. I am sure, given the chance to discuss it with my ex, he likely felt the same way too but that's something I will never know.

Eight years of trying to put in the work of two of us, of being literally trapped looking at the same 4 walls, of having nowhere to turn and no one to confide in and begin shot down when I tried to explain my views and feelings have certainly outweighed the three mediocre years we had.

And now, in single-dom, I have control - which in itself scares me in terms of never before having felt the need for control. I am naturally a very compromising person. I naturally look out for others and don't do things which have a negative affect on others. The need for control has never been one I have had. But being in a situation for an extended time of having zero control and zero say followed by the situation I am now in where I have full control, I am nervous about relinquishing that again. I guess I fear I will again choose someone who again will take control rather then share it.
 CinnamonGirl769
Joined: 2/21/2012
Msg: 78
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 4:05:42 PM

Eight years of trying to put in the work of two of us, of being literally trapped looking at the same 4 walls, of having nowhere to turn and no one to confide in and begin shot down when I tried to explain my views and feelings have certainly outweighed the three mediocre years we had.

And now, in single-dom, I have control - which in itself scares me in terms of never before having felt the need for control. I am naturally a very compromising person. I naturally look out for others and don't do things which have a negative affect on others. The need for control has never been one I have had. But being in a situation for an extended time of having zero control and zero say followed by the situation I am now in where I have full control, I am nervous about relinquishing that again. I guess I fear I will again choose someone who again will take control rather then share it.


We are soul sisters with what you wrote...I experienced and felt the exact same way plus a few more years. Add to it, that I find myself excited and happily talking about my views, feelings, opinions and feeling a need to share sooo much so, that I have been accused of talking toooo much..lol Like the newly freed bird from her cage chirping away about anything and everything as I fly and soar into my new life.

I am working on the balance of control, my voice being heard, and my desire to share versus my desire to relish in my alone time reflecting, evolving and 'discovering' myself.

What I do know is that I take none of it for granted anymore now having experienced very close loved ones of mine die.


Carpe Diem!
 CinnamonGirl769
Joined: 2/21/2012
Msg: 79
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 4:18:19 PM
Note:

I am ok with the I talk too much or write though...I just need to come here to the forums and find solace in the fact that I am not the only one...It's a virtual Party in here anytime I want to share...

And the day will come I am sure, where I will feel heard by a real live man with potential for my next Big Love of My Life..;)


Carpe Diem!
 SpringsDiver
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 80
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 4:26:20 PM

I am working on the balance of control, my voice being heard, and my desire to share versus my desire to relish in my alone time reflecting, evolving and 'discovering' myself.


Interesting, statement, Cinnamon. I think the key word is balance Every relationship requires compromise at some level. Everyone has to learn to balance their needs and desires with those of a partner, once they decide to commit to a relationship. Some seem happier not having a partner to figure into the equation, at least for periods of time.


And the day will come I am sure, where I will feel heard by a real live man with potential for my next Big Love of My Life..;)


Very nice sentiment! Your poetry is good for the heart, also.

Import - That all sounds reasonable. You have had difficult relationships in the past. You're enjoying life without strife, and that makes it hard for you to take the plunge and commit yourself fully in another relationship. Having children to think about makes it that much harder. Eventually, I think you will trust your instincts enough to open your heart and mind to possibilities. It may take awhile yet before that can happen. Does that sound right?
 mrcs84
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 81
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History
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 4:30:40 PM

This is simply a discussion I have had with forum friends and real life friends but I am wondering – Are we simply too comfortable where we are, to be committed to actually changing our situations?


That question suggests that there is something fundamentally wrong with being comfortable with where you're at. It's possible that many of us have found that our lives go a lot smoother without all of the unnecessary stress of trying to find a new special someone. I don't know how much the forums have contributed to my personal mindset, but I have been quite liberated in the idea that I really don't have to answer to anyone other than myself and the United States Navy. Relationships can come and go on as little as a whim. Sometimes it isn't worth the hassle. I am happy with where things are going in my life, and I personally am just fine with or without any unnecessary alters to my situation.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 82
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 4:47:39 PM
SpringsDiver :

That sounds exactly right. I am theoretically ready to open my heart and mind to another relationship - but it's about learning to trust my instincts which have failed me in the past. Of course, those warning signals were being received by a far younger woman who perhaps did not know how to listen to them and I know that woman is so much wiser now. But I do think having had children who truly did suffer directly as a result of a poor choice previously, I am rather concerned about testing my instincts with them on the line with me.
 CinnamonGirl769
Joined: 2/21/2012
Msg: 83
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/3/2012 5:05:42 PM
SpringsDiver:

Eventually, I think you will trust your instincts enough to open your heart and mind to possibilities. It may take awhile yet before that can happen. Does that sound right?


I have opened my heart and mind to the possibilities hence why I decided to try online dating as well as IRL. It is the listening to my instincts and then trusting that they are the right ones that I am experiencing the process of, while dating. Quite the learning experience I must say...

I have 3 older teenage children and one who is grown and on her own. They support my journey and only one potential has met one of my children as I strive to keep them out of it until such time I know there is a serious committed effort to move forward.

I thank you for your sentiments on my poetry. I find that to write poetry frees me to express what was suppressed for too long. For some reason I didn't write much while married..Now I write ALL the time..lol

Everything worth something takes awhile and I am in no rush. I have made many observations through my dating life and many have been made of me and then shared by those willing to impart their observation about me. I do my best to take note of what I have observed, learn from it, make changes when needed and go forth with a sense of peace knowing that no matter what, I am responsible ultimately for myself and myself only.

To one day share that responsibility and combine our two worlds, will be to add to my life and not to take away from it. As I hope I would be the same for him too.


See! There I go again writing novels...


Carpe Diem
 SpringsDiver
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 84
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/4/2012 11:33:08 AM
Import-I am also fully aware that I have always been someone who has treasured her own space. I am not an inter-dependent type and feel suffocated and trapped by those who are - yet I'm strangely drawn to the highly affectionate side of those individuals.


Looking back at your posts, Import, I found this interesting. What characteristics of a man's behavior might make you feel "suffocated and trapped"? I took a little quiz online and the results said I have a interdependent personality. That's what I expected. I do consider myself to be highly affectionate.

Do other women reading this consider themselves more independent, interdependent, or codependent? How does this affect relationships?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 85
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/4/2012 11:41:44 AM
Import...

I am also fully aware that I have always been someone who has treasured her own space. I am not an inter-dependent type and feel suffocated and trapped by those who are

This spoke to me - it's a good description of how I feel. I also agree with you on the control thing; for different reasons. I had a childhood where I felt powerless, so once I gained control of my life as a young adult I decided I wasn't going to give it up - I doubt I ever truly will.

Do other women reading this consider themselves more independent, interdependent, or codependent? How does this affect relationships?

I consider myself to be independent most of the time. To me interdependency may make me feel like I have to do a lot of things with someone else I'm used to doing alone. It also makes me feel like I may get grief for wanting space at times. I have no problem working together with someone else to create a life, but I can't do it 24/7 - we have to be able to go off and do our own thing and not feel resentful when the other one wants to do their own thing.
 pasmal
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 86
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/4/2012 12:31:04 PM
I used to think I was the type that needed a relationship. After a few very bad wake up calls I weaned myself off my dependency issues and faced myself and slowly started putting myself together, and still feel I'm not there. I often don't want or feel any desire to date or feel ready.
Hearing some of the garbage on the street about women, seeing mating behavior these days--it's even less appealing than pre-online dating, where there was some innocence and mystery left.
The idealistic me is an optimist but looking back, I expected way too much of men--they are just little boys with their own problems. They don't fix what is broken in me.
I think each of us are in the world for reasons aside from a love relationship.
If I had to choose a man whose only purpose was to find a mate, blah about his job, etc. vs one who had a mission, was happy in it and open to deeper bond, the latter is appealing, the other is so not.
My fulfillment is more abut me, what impact I what to make on the world--that brings happiness and peace, and has to be there first.
Companionship is nice but even that alone isn't enough--I need a real connection.
If he is of the same type and we like and work with each other as a team, it's great, and ideal.
If it doesn't pan out, there are other beauties in life one shouldn't ignore, ways to contribute.
I'm sure I've been semi-introverted and this makes solitude and quiet, lack of conflict pretty necessary and easier for me than more extroverted types.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 87
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/5/2012 1:15:03 PM
Springsdiver What characteristics of a man's behavior might make you feel "suffocated and trapped"?


Neediness - as in needing me to validate them and making me feel like it's my responsibility to do that. Expectations that I justify my movements, surely the simply statement that I'm going grocery shopping is sufficient. And getting in my space - A prime example would be someone I dated who liked us to shower together. Sure, I could live with that occasionally but not every time I turned the water on to get beneath it.

I can handle the affection and like it but not 24x7. I don't like someone sitting so close to me that I can't move and am pinned against the arm of the sofa. And I don't like it when I can't go somewhere for a few minutes to myself without someone getting p1ssy about not being invited and following me around like a puppy dog who I end up wanting to turn around and kick ! LOL


Springsdiver Do other women reading this consider themselves more independent, interdependent, or codependent? How does this affect relationships?


I am independent. I am not used to having people do things for me, especially when I am able and capable of doing them myself. Sure - help if you want to, if it's the sort of task that two can work at but don't take over a task I am currently doing and leave me twiddling my thumbs because then I feel redundant.

I have always been independent - I had to be. As a child, my sister who is 13 months older then me was diagnosed as having learning difficulties as they were then called. She needed more help then I did and although her condition is far less extreme then many and she can function as an adult (married with kids now), as a child, much of the focus was on her and so I needed to get on with looking after myself. I left home at 16. Not because there was any conflict but because I was ready and able. I never went back. I simply didn't need to.


WomanInProgress To me interdependency may make me feel like I have to do a lot of things with someone else I'm used to doing alone. It also makes me feel like I may get grief for wanting space at times. I have no problem working together with someone else to create a life, but I can't do it 24/7 - we have to be able to go off and do our own thing and not feel resentful when the other one wants to do their own thing.


This, I can whole heartedly relate to. I know some people consider me aloof at times but I can't deal with people in my space 24x7. I need to be able to go for a walk on my own. Have a shower on my own. I'll always come back but interdependent people make it seem that they fear I won't and so it feels like they don't want to let me out of their sight. I don't understand that need some people have to be always together all of the time and because I don't understand it, I view it as a foolish and selfish trait to have. I don't want it to be my responsibility to constantly validate another person.

It's one thing to support your partner and speak openly and to work together for common goals but I don't want to lose my individualism too. I don't want to be defined as one half of a pair - I want to be defined as a person who hopefully is part of a couple too.
 SpringsDiver
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 88
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/5/2012 1:28:35 PM

Import - ...A prime example would be someone I dated who liked us to shower together. Sure, I could live with that occasionally but not every time I turned the water on to get beneath it.




I can relate to that . It can be difficult taking a shower without knocking your SO with your elbow or some such thing. It's also can be a refuge when you need a few minutes alone.

I don't like someone sitting so close to me that I can't move and am pinned against the arm of the sofa.



When I was married, I would sometimes go to the movies alone, when we had not been able to do it together. I just felt a need to get out the house for awhile. I would do it after everyone was asleep (my wife at the time knew I was going). I am a night owl, so that worked. Still, I would have preferred company.
 Jaimes004
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 89
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/5/2012 1:49:16 PM
We do become comfortable in our situation. Living alone is pretty nice actually. Relationships take a lot of energy to maintain, and I am loving using that energy in another manner right now. It will take someone special for me to change that.

I leave in the morning, house clean, and favorite food and drink in the fridge. I come home that night, and guess what? Its still there and the house is still clean! And no one is in my favorite spot on the couch with my d.a.m.n. remote! I don't mind having to do it all because I'm a neat freak and I like things a certain way anyway.

Would I like someone around? Sometimes, maybe. If I had to give up what I have now, then no. I choose to be alone.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 90
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/5/2012 3:38:38 PM

We do become comfortable in our situation. Living alone is pretty nice actually. Relationships take a lot of energy to maintain, and I am loving using that energy in another manner right now. It will take someone special for me to change that.

I leave in the morning, house clean, and favorite food and drink in the fridge. I come home that night, and guess what? Its still there and the house is still clean! And no one is in my favorite spot on the couch with my d.a.m.n. remote! I don't mind having to do it all because I'm a neat freak and I like things a certain way anyway.

Would I like someone around? Sometimes, maybe. If I had to give up what I have now, then no. I choose to be alone.


Exactly!

I don't need anyone. I have coped perfectly well in the big bad world since I was 16. Sure, it would be nice sometimes but at what cost ?

I don't want someone materializing next to me each time I turn the shower on. I mean really - can;t a girl wash sometimes without shuffling back and forth for turns under the water. Just get the F*** out of the way - I'll be a couple of minutes and then you can have a turn all by yourself at your preferred temperature !

I don't want someone getting p1ssy because I've taken myself off to another room to read a book rather then watch the mindless drivel which is on the TV.

I don't want to feel sleepy and ask someone if they ready for bed. I mean, I don't understand the reasoning for such foolishness. If the other person was ready for bed, then surely, they'd be up there !

I guess, mainly, I'm simply used to being on my own - and as yet, haven't met the person I'm willing to change that for.
 SpringsDiver
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 91
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/5/2012 4:57:18 PM

rather then watch the mindless drivel which is on the TV


Here is a definite "deal-breaker" for me. If someone needs to watch Dog The Bounty Hunter, as someone who shall go unmentioned insisted on doing continually, FORGET it! Worse yet, she did it when the children were in the room, as much I tried to get her not to. I'm all for someone who rarely has the desire to watch T.V. Let's get outside and make memories. Let's go places where the children can actually learn something new.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 92
Are we sitting too comfortably ?
Posted: 3/6/2012 4:06:53 AM

Ah.............so it becomes a matter of preference, etched deeper in the ether than relationships past.
If I read that right, then I understand.


Upon considering this comment, I wonder if indeed that the root of it all.

I married a lovely man at 20 - likely willing to commit a such a young age because it was the norm and almost an expectation within my family and because he worked nights ! This arrangement was comfortable to me as I had the ability to have my own space, to operate daily as an individual but also to have the comfort of another on my own selfish terms. To this day, I am the only divorcee and 22 years later can still vividly recall the confusion and disappointment of my family when we split barely two years later. I was content in the status quo, he was inter-dependent and wanted to work during the day and I couldn't adjust to that change in arrangement.

I stayed as long as I did in my second, abusive marriage, mainly through circumstance but there was an element of shame in having failed yet again. This time around, despite being on a separate continent to my life-long friends and family, the events of the marriage were such that even those in my family who have the strongest belief in marriage, agreed that it was the only option - perhaps had I realized that support would be there, I would have reached out for help sooner. But that's something I will never know.

I do know that I regret neither marriage. Not because of the happy memories for they are few and far between however hard I search, but for the fact they confirmed my personal strength. I have come such a long way in finding myself again and in facing the difficulties which resulted in my divorce.

Perhaps all of these factors contribute to me being content in where I am now. I do fully understand that much of it is gratitude for simply not being where I was.


And so our "comfort"....becomes more than just the absence of conflict.


Absolutely, I think it is more then that. I guess some of it is contributable to the awareness that I know I can rely on myself. Historically, that is not something I have been able to say about others who have, to date, entered my life in the role of a partner.

I know these people exist - those who support without suffocating. Those who don't need to be constantly attached to me. Those who are balanced enough in themselves not to 'cost' me more then they give. I see these attributes in my friends. I am lucky, I have good friend. Many of whom have been a constant for me for over 30 years. People who have gotten on a plane and flown thousands of miles to offer their support and love and for whom, I too would do the same.

It was interesting to hear just last night from a friend who thought for me, the balance I seem to need, would be better found in someone who had time away from home - a service man, for instance. Someone who I could reconnect with periodically, who would know I was loyal and capable in their absences and who would be in a position to allow me the best of both worlds until such a time where I had slowly adjusted to the thought of another in my space daily ! Again, information which I will consider.
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