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Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > He doesnt like SEX? really?      Home login  
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 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 26
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He doesnt like SEX? really?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

We use to have a very healthy active sex life, it was never 7 days a week as I always wished but I was happy to settle on 2 or 3x a week at best. It has gradually declined to the point it is almost non existent.


This is the critical piece of information I was just about to ask for. It makes a HUGE difference whether sex has always been weak, or has seen a decline.

In the case of the decline, I think jt_guy is on the right track, and I can identify with it myself. My ex was (is) bipolar. It meant that she would go through periods where her sex drive was through the roof...however, when it did, I was not turned on or excited by her at all.

I was turned off.

Because her sex drive was 1000% about her physical hungers, and had nothing whatsoever to do with me at all. I was essentially a cheap, remote-control dildo for her, nothing more.

Despite the boorish myth that "any sex is great sex" for guys, or that we are thinking of sex every ten seconds, or that all it takes is a set of knockers, and enough room to get an angle, it's all hogwash. Men are no different from women, in wanting to be the reason the other wants to have sex. Even the egotistical players of the world, you will notice, talk about how the reason they have lots of sex isn't because the women are loose, it's because they are so good.

OP, I would say that there is probably not a physical cause for this change at all. I would not be in the least surprised if you came back next week, and reported that he refused to see a doctor.

I would suggest instead, that you go yourself for therapy, and find out why your sex drive is so one-sided. You yourself have admitted that it isn't that HE turns you on, at all. It's that you just plain want lots of sex. It could even be something physiological with you, or it might be psychological only, but until you fix the fact that you actually don't want to have sex with your mate, things will just get worse.
 jt guy
Joined: 12/24/2008
Msg: 27
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 2:51:59 PM
Thanks, Igor, for supporting my post. I dated a lady like that one time. Every time I would get in the same room with her she wanted sex. Not a bad thing in itself, but one does begin to think do they like me or just the sex. I know it is a fine line people in a relationship must walk, in order to make both people happy.
OP: I don't have the answer for you, but what I did after a long relationship, I ended it with my gf. Why ? One might ask. My answer to stop the ideal relationship, some would call it......I wanted more than just sex. I wanted to be married. I wanted to love her with all my heart and she me the same way. I wanted to have her back and she mine. I wanted to make memories, we could talk about when we were so old we could do nothing else. In the relationship with her every thing lead to sex. Every day is fine with me, but I knew I wanted more form a relationship than just sex.
 addsomesparkle
Joined: 3/3/2010
Msg: 28
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 2:59:45 PM
I appreciate your advice and help, but I do not understand exactly what you are trying to say.

I do not treat him like a sexual object, nor does he cook clean work etc, now you are sort of turning me into a monster when I am not. I work full-time also, I leave after him and get home before him, therefore, I get up with him every morning at 5am cook his breakfast, make his lunch and always send him out the door with a kiss. I cook supper and sometimes when time permits we cook together with a drink or two because we love spending that time together and its a great way for us to unwind.

I love, respect and value his presence in my life like no other. He is my best friend and if things were different how easy would it be to just go out behind his back and have sex. There is a multitude of men out there more then willing to have casual uncommital sex.

However, I only wish to have sex, make love TO HIM and he is who I desire and think about on a sexual level and many other levels too.
 damsel19
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 29
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 3:02:49 PM
He may not just fancy you anymore after 4 years. He may be a closet gay. He may have someone else.

I wouldnt be so hard on yourself. Find a lover that can fulfil your needs if he wont. Men do it all the time. No one person can give us all we want, after all. Are you married by the way??
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 30
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He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 3:17:17 PM
OP, you are missing what I'm saying. I'm not accusing you of being a monster. I'm pointing out that in your own story of things, you describe repeatedly that what drives you to want sex, literally has nothing to do with how he is behaving at all. It comes entirely from inside you.

The fact that he is the only one that that you are pushing to have sex with, doesn't mean that you are displaying any affection or desire for him, at all. You describe yourself only as wanting sex a lot, and expecting him to oblige y0u, simply because he is a guy, and guys are supposed to want a lot of sex. I fear that you will still not perceive what you have actually said in your own posts here, because you are earnestly thinking right past your own words.

Go back and read your own posts. You say nice things about how you honor and value him, but that's not how you describe yourself behaving towards him. Instead, you describe yourself as pushing him to perform, and when he doesn't, you don't back off and turn into a loving helpmate, trying to ease his lot in life, you instead switch yourself onto a higher gear, and start playing dress up.
 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 31
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 3:53:26 PM
Igor ..I think your full of crap on this one ..she needs to get him to a doctor even if she has to knock him out and drag him ..I'm telling you this story sounds just like what we were hearing from my aunt in the three years before my uncle died ..insist he sees a doctor and make sure the doctor knows the problem he might be embarrassed to tell the doctor himself ..his life could depend on it
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 32
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He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 5:08:16 PM
Tell him that you love HIM and that you miss HIM. And that you are feeling a shift in the relationship and that you want to talk about it. That while SEX is the overt/tangible issue the real issue is that something is changing (in the relationship) - you don't know why and you'd like to talk about. Depending on how the conversation unfolds you might want to say that you miss the intimacy you once had and you are concerned about it. Is it a health issue? Has he lost interest? How does it make HIM feel when your libido is so high? (pressured, objectified, used, ....) Convey that you are bringing this up because you WANT him in your life and you feel somethings is slipping away and you are willing to WORK at whatever it is to make the RELATIONSHIP work. (vs a conversation about how you can get him to be more actively sexual with you).

If you want to preserve your marriage I urge you to get out of your comfort zone and take the risk to get to the bottom of this...so to speak. A good couples therapist should be able to help with is. All the best.
 Destination__Unknown
Joined: 12/8/2011
Msg: 33
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 10:15:07 PM
If sex becomes a chore, or a duty, it becomes a bother. Plain and Simple.
 Skippenthru
Joined: 2/14/2012
Msg: 34
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 10:39:56 PM
Quote -( We have learned he is definitely more Dominant and likes to initiate and really is turned off when I do, so that makes it helluva hard to get things started. )

Sounds to me like your man is of the passive / aggressive behavioral trait. Its very common for them to be perfect in the beginning of a relationship but then they start acting out the more comfortable they get. mainly as a way of indirect control. This often at times includes with holding sex as a control method over the partner. Causing the partner to act out and take any relationship blame so "they" the passive / aggressive can seem like the victim. .May be something to read up on besides the health concerns.
Just an idea , but its so hard to tell from only getting one point of view on a situation. I'd be looking for a new partner. Good luck!
 kja71
Joined: 12/21/2011
Msg: 35
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 11:33:51 PM
Dump him. Why would you want to be with someone that constantly makes you feel like crap? Even if you love him, love yourself more.
 therealradovan
Joined: 8/29/2009
Msg: 36
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/3/2012 11:50:30 AM
He's not attracted to you sexually.
I'm sorry to tell you that.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 37
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He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/3/2012 12:00:19 PM

He's not attracted to you sexually.
I'm sorry to tell you that.
.

I wouldn't assume this, it could be he is not attracted to her style of initiating. Maybe a more innocent approach in some cute jammy's or his T-shirt is more his thing.

Try a different approach, he may just be feeling intimidated.
 therealradovan
Joined: 8/29/2009
Msg: 38
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/3/2012 12:52:24 PM
Possibly.
I've never heard of a guy that doesn't like lingerie though?
 riuser
Joined: 8/31/2010
Msg: 39
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He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/3/2012 1:01:51 PM
First thing is to get him checked out and make sure there is not some medical problem. After that, if everything is ok, you can pick and choose whatever other advice you want. Also, I am assuming he does not use alcohol and drugs to any significant extent. I am also assuming that there is no excessive amount of financial, home, or work stress or recent big event (deaths, cancer, etc.)

I have to disagree with some of the posters, this is not about your attractiveness. This is a problem with him. So if there is no physical problem, then you have to talk to him and find out why he does not want sex anymore (if he knows at all). If he does not, consider counseling. If that does not pan out, you have to determine if this level of physical intimacy is something you can accept (in my case it would be a no).

But the first thing is to get him to a doctor and make sure there is no physical abnormality (e.g., thyroid disease, kidney, liver disease, low testosterone, etc.).
 casual240
Joined: 12/13/2011
Msg: 40
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/4/2012 9:05:40 PM
I would slip him the little blue pill. Without him knowing it. Then when he moves in. Shit him down. Play hard to get then finally give in... Just so he knows how it feels...
 HeartOn64
Joined: 2/9/2012
Msg: 41
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/5/2012 6:08:38 AM

Needless to say this all leaves me feeling very "ugly" undesirable and all around really shitty. It is hurtful and the frustration of the situation has put me into silent tears more nights then I can count. It makes it very difficult because I do love him so much, respect him and try to give him the space and time to get into the mood.. but it just happens so rarely.



Don't take it so personally and don't forget that love isn't about sacrificing your sexual needs.
 addsomesparkle
Joined: 3/3/2010
Msg: 42
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/6/2012 5:37:24 AM
Guy 763, great answer. I really like to hear a point of view from a male who has experienced the same thing. I know we have gotten to that "comfortable" point in our lives and we are settled and happy. He still gives me butterflies when I look at him and I have no doubt whatsoever for the amount of love he holds for me. I would never leave him for this reason alone.

Things on the sexual side of the relationship have shifted, which has been hard on me but I never forget how hard he works and the hours he puts in. Maybe he does need a guys night out or a gift of a couple tickets to his fav hockey team. Good idea. Thanks!
 Helloitsmeyourlookingfor
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 43
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/6/2012 5:51:07 AM
Guys night out and tix to Hockey games ain't going to fix the sex. Unless your content sing the BOB (battery operated boyfriend) you have to either come up with a solution, move on, or just accept it.

Obviously seeking a Dr. is the primary goal to see if there are medical issues behind it. My friend gets testosterone shots and he and his wife have found a new life.

or...... you can slip some Viagra into his drink.....

If not, its gonna be a long lonely road for your sex life.
 SaluteYourShorts
Joined: 2/12/2012
Msg: 44
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/6/2012 7:42:17 AM
Is his day not complete if he misses the view?
Does he take baths
Low sex drive is one thing, 3 weeks? and can i take a guess here and say that youve gone longer than 3 weeks w.out.

gay. easy
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 45
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/6/2012 9:46:03 AM

OMG what.. you are a dude.. seriously?? Dont you do most of your thinking with that thing.



Jesus H Christ, people will say anything.... Is he gay, is he cheating on your, is he this, is he that...
Like f*ck, hello? Anyone? Is that ALL life is about, how many people you can screw, if you dont screw yo gots a problem?
I'm like that. Like, REALLY. Not as bad as that, but bad enough. I dont think about sex. I don't think with my d*ck. I don't get a hrd on without physical stimuly. I dont partcularly enjoy the whole experience anymore than I enjoy washing the dishes or visiting Nepal.
I learned long ago that FAR from being a problem, I just have a problem with intimacy. With TRUST, to be exact. And there's only one remedy for that; start trusting. And that takes 2, and it takes TIME.
With one of my exs (she was a wild nympho) it used to be about 4-5 times a day. First time I ever really enjoyed sex, because she was open, honest, and trustworthy. Showed me crazy stuff.
People nowadays? Theres a reason I been single this long; most people I wouldnt trust with giving me the time of day, much less get them naked.

OP, you should sit down with your guy and deal with it. Either you love him enough to deal with it and respect it, ask him more frequency and he loves you enough to fulfill, or leave each other and forget about it.
Either way, when something doesnt go like we thought they did, its not because there is necessarily a problem; something there IS no problem to deal with except the ones WE have.

Peace out
 HUMHUMA
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 46
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He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 11/6/2018 3:00:10 AM
I dated a woman that constantly put herself down both physically and in looks....we dated approx. two years and while I kept trying to get her to feel good about herself it didn't do much good. I wasn't on a mission to do that because I liked her the way she was but in saying that she at 55 was very sexually introverted even to the point of passionate kissing which I like....I was patient as she asked and this went on thru our relationship.....right up to the end....she was the first woman who didn't reciprocate in most sexual activities if not all. She was also the first woman I loved massaging from head to toe because I loved her soft skin....sounds weird but its what I had I guess. What I'm getting at is I don't push myself onto women sexually...I have more coooth and was taught better while I like to romance a woman...TOTALLY.... She did control that which most women do.....talk to your partner unless it's fruitless and or move on....
 Fascinator123
Joined: 12/22/2017
Msg: 47
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He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 11/16/2018 11:12:10 AM
Hi, when one partner feels they are going with a begging bowl it's so bad. A relationship is only successful and healthy to the degree it meets the needs of BOTH partners. This is not going to get better by itself, if anything it will get worse because it's now such an emotionally charged situation. I'd say ask yourself if you can live with it like this if it never improves.
Everyone has their own 'Love language' and some people need the physical demonstrations of love, not just to get pleasure but to give it too and he should know that your reasons for wanting to be close are many, not just the physical drives. Some people need loving as much as they need food and if they don't get it from their loved one it's a kind of inner starvation and hunger that can become unbearable. I'd say you have a big problem, your tears are proof of this and it must feel very lonely for you a lot of the time.
I hope you can work it out by following some of the suggestions people have made. If not,I'd say cut your losses, it might hurt like blazes but nothing worth doing is ever easy. How can you feel fulfilled and loved when one of your deepest and most basic needs is not being met by this man? A man should look after his woman and vice versa...he is not looking after you in the most painful way. He doesn't have to be in the mood to give some of himself, more than one way to please a woman and if he doesn't care that you are emotionally starved for love this way then he is not showing much love or understanding. It's not like you haven't told him how you feel. Take care and I really hope you can get it sorted out.
 _Cinnamon__Girl_
Joined: 3/28/2016
Msg: 48
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He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 11/19/2018 9:57:32 PM
Sounds like the OP is dating my ex-husband. He was super fit and healthy, he would hike 20 miles with a heavy pack on his back, and kayak for miles. Just was not at all interested in sex. Post divorce, looking back on it, I think he was gay, but in denial about it.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 49
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He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 12/24/2018 7:36:17 AM
Just because a person does not want to have sex does not mean they are gay.......but it's one possibility. Other possibilities are asexuality or he's got a low love level or he's not in love with you.

Walk out on him and stay in a motel or with friends/family for a few weeks.......see if the fear of him loosing you makes him change his tune. Sometimes they only truly love you if they know you can leave.

If you want a relationship that works, both partners have to be willing to give sex and affection anytime, as a rule. If you are not willing to do that, please don't try to have serious relationships.
 dondea
Joined: 12/10/2007
Msg: 50
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He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 12/25/2018 11:48:26 AM
Reading way, way, back. I guess the OP never watched TV such as Married With Children. There are a lot of Al Bundy's and Jane Smith's out there with low libidos. My wife is one of the Jane Smith's, but we still love each other and there is more to life than sex as long as there is affection towards each other.
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